An American Professor

Erin managed to slip away from the Weasleys after arriving back at the school. The trip to her room seemed much longer on this night. Resolving to forget all about the Weasleys and get a good night sleep she stepped to the entrance of her room.

Sliding silently into her room she was startled to find Sirius sitting stiffly in one of her armchairs. “How did you- Oh, nevermind, I don’t care. Why are you here?”

“Nice to see you, too,” he said sarcastically.

“Don’t even start with me.”

“Ok, ok, truce for the night. I need a place to sleep, and I’m tired of sleeping outside.”

“Fine, you can have the couch. I’ll get you a blanket.” Lugging her bags into her bedchamber she dropped them next to the bed. Erin was so tired, she glanced longingly at her bed, but she walked to the wardrobe and pulled out a blanket and extra pillow. Striding back to the sitting room she deposited the items carelessly on another chair. Nodding curtly to Sirius she turned on her heel and walked back to her room.

“Good night,” he called out dryly.

“Yep,” she muttered over her shoulder, shutting the door separating the bathroom and bedchamber forcefully. Erin heard him grumbling through the door, but decided not to pay him any mind and quickly put on a pair of plaid pajama pants and a tank top before climbing into bed, asleep before her head hit the pillow.

A burst of light awoke her after what felt like minutes, “Is it morning already?” she muttered.

“No, Erin, wake up.”

Erin rolled over and blinked several times before focusing on Severus’ face. “What are you doing here?”

His face looked pale and he seemed to be favoring his left arm. “Erin, I’m being called.”

“Well, tell them to call back tomorrow,” she groaned and rolled over before, “Oh!” she bolted upright. “Are you sure?”

Pulling up the sleeve on his robes he showed her the mark he bore; it was black and ominous. “Erin, I don’t have time for questions. I have to go, and I came to say good-bye, and to get that thing we talked about.”

She couldn’t figure out what 'thing' he was talking about, but she did know she was feeling very distraught about the fact that he was being called back to that monster. “Severus, are you sure you have to go?” She asked, her voice catching as she stood to face him.

He looked down at her and his black eyes met her blue. Staring at him closely, she saw fear, hope, and something else she couldn’t pinpoint. Trying to convey silently how much she admired and believed in him she looked at him searchingly and touched his hand tentatively.

It was all the contact he needed. Before she knew what had happened, his arms were around her, her hands were on his shoulders, and his face was inches from hers. “Erin, I won’t kiss you unless you want me to. I know you promised, but it wasn’t fair of me to ask the way I did, it’s your decision.”

Unable to find her voice she merely nodded silently, unwilling to break from his gaze. He closed the space between them instantly and took her lips in his in a firm kiss. Erin closed her eyes and felt his tongue run along her bottom lip. Without thinking she parted her lips slightly allowing him entrance. As his tongue explored her mouth, she was glad that his arms were around her when her legs suddenly felt as if they had disappeared. He tasted like chocolate and she met his tongue with her own, eager to continue the sweet kiss.

Erin didn't have a chance to onder why her body wasn't filled with the electric shocks that seemed to partner with Sirius' kisses. Her mind was blank as an overpowering heat flooded her from head to foot. Her body hummed with a mysterious aching vibration she missed immediately when Severus pulled away from her. Looking deeply into his eyes, she wondered about their 'too-bright' appearance befroe she felt her tears welling up. Wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug, he returned the gesture after a moment's pause, holding her so tightly she labored for a breath.

“Severus, please don’t leave. I’m so scared,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s going to be fine, don’t worry. I have to go.” His voice didn't do much to convince her.

“Wait. I need to tell you, that is I need you to know that you are the best friend that I have ever had. I don't know what I'll do.. I mean..if anything happens to you, I will personally hunt down the offender and kick his ass,” she added in a weak attempt at humor.

He chuckled, but his eyes remained somber, “I don’t doubt it. I’ll be back soon. Go back to bed. And Erin,” his voice lowered to a whisper, “you’re the best friend that I’ve ever had as well, and I love you for that.”

The tears she’d been holding back began spilling down her cheeks and she wiped at them furiously with the back of her hand, and he turned without another word and strode purposefully out of the room. Still recovering from the void he’d left with her she realized with a sinking feeling that the doors through the bathroom had remained open, allowing Sirius to witness their good-bye.

His face was red, but his expression was black. “Well, well, well,” he began and waited for Erin to jump at the bait. Instead she just stared back at him wondering what her feelings for him were. “May I ask just what that was all about?” he continued.

“Seems like you just did,” she answered flatly.

“What?”

Erin sighed and joined him in the sitting room, now fully awake. Realizing sleep was probably an impossibility at this point, she answered his first question slowly, “He was called.”

“Oh. So, why did he come here?”

Her sadness was quickly melting into anger and she turned to Sirius with an expression matching his. “What’s it to you?”

He stood and began to pace, “What’s it to me? What’s it to me?”

“Yes, that’s what I asked. It doesn’t change the question if you keep repeating it.”

“Don’t get funny with me!”

“Quit being an ass with me!”

“I’ve got every right to be an ass! I mean, dammit! I’m not being an ass. Why are you always so damn infuriating?”

Leaning back in her chair, Erin crossed her arms and answered with a shrug, “It’s a talent.”

He glared at her and she glared back. “I have a right to know.”

“What right would that be, Sirius?” she asked him gazing at him levelly, the challenge in her voice apparent.

He glared at her a moment longer before plopping into a chair and crossing his own arms. “I guess I really don’t have much of one, do I?”

“No, not really,” she admitted honestly.

“You’re not helping this.”

“Fine, what was the question? Why did Severus come here? He came here to let me know he had to go. He didn’t want me to worry about him if I found out some other way he had gone, and about a month ago he asked me if I would kiss him good-bye, just in case. I think it’s the only thing he’s ever asked of me.”

“Oh, so that was a sympathy kiss.”

Erin exploded, “No!” she ranted as she shot to her feet and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. “For your information, it was an excellent kiss, an incomparable kiss, and absolutely no part of it was a sympathy kiss! I would never have been able to forgive myself for not kissing him before he left for such a dangerous mission, especially since it may have been his last…nevermind, I guess you wouldn’t understand.” She turned away from him and stared into the fire, willing herself not to cry again.

She heard Sirius stirring behind her. He put his hands on her shoulders, she pulled away, and turned while crossing her arms to face him. Sirius’ face had softened, his features looking once again the way she remembered them, not at all the harsh face he’d had when she entered the room that night. “Erin, I think I understand, or at least I want to, and I’ll try to. In a way, I feel like that every time I have to leave for a mission. I really don’t know if I’ll be coming back. So, I think that was a um, nice thing you did.” Unwilling to argue with him, she stared at the floor. An uneasy silence hung in the air before a sob escaped Erin’s throat and Sirius pulled her into his arms. She sobbed and he held her tightly stroking her hair, “Sshh, it’s going to be ok. Sshhh, Erin, you’re going to make yourself sick, come on, let’s sit on the couch, come on, honey, ssshh.”

Allowing herself to be led to the couch she didn’t let go of Sirius. He didn’t seem to mind holding her while she cried. After a few minutes she let go and leaned back, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry. It’s just been a confusing week, and I’ve been dreading the day when he’d be called. I kept trying to tell him that he shouldn’t go, but he wouldn’t listen. There’s no telling what could happen to him.” Erin realized that her voice was quickly going from semi-calm to a wail, and so she stopped speaking abruptly.

“Erin, I know nothing I can say is going to help right now, so just let me hold you.”

She nodded silently and slumped against Sirius once again. He put his arms around her and she allowed her tears to flow freely down her face until she had no more tears left to cry. He held her patiently until she pulled away again.

“I’m glad that you were here,” she said, and she meant it. Erin looked up at him rubbing her eyes clear. “I’m not tired anymore, but you should probably get some more sleep.”

Instead of answering he pulled her back into his arms and hugged her firmly. “Erin, I’m sorry about the way we left things. I shouldn’t have left that way. I did it to hurt you, and that was wrong. And then when you found Harry, I shouldn’t have left. I should have-”

Erin interrupted, “Sirius, there’s a lot of things we both should have and could have done differently.”

“I know, but dammit, will you just let me apologize without trying to take over?”

She pulled back and looked up at him indignantly, “I wasn’t trying to ‘take over’, Sirius. I was trying to say that it wasn’t completely your fault, ok? Sheesh.”

“Why do we always end up disagreeing about something when we’re together?”

Erin shrugged noncommittally, “I think it’s because we’re just too much alike.”

He smiled down at her and she attempted to smile back feebly. “Oh, that’s a pathetic excuse for a smile. You have one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen, and you are definitely not doing it justice there.”

“Forgive me for not having a lot to smile about, Sirius.”

“Well, let me help you out.” He grinned devilishly and began to tickle her.

“Sirius,” she gasped, “I’m not in the mood for- stop tickling- I mean it!” He laughed at her attempts to push him off, but he stopped tickling her and instead put his arms around her and hugged her tightly.

“Now, like I was saying. I wish that we hadn’t left things like we did. I can’t help but think that this whole conversation might have been different if I hadn’t left so abruptly.” He looked as if he were going to continue, but changed his mind after watching Erin’s ill attempt at disguising a yawn. “Erin, I think you need to get back to sleep. You’ve had a long day,” he said, suddenly serious.

“I told you before, I’m not tired, quit mothering me.” Her voice was muffled as her head was still in his shoulder.

“Let’s not argue.” Sirius kissed her on the top of her head, and loosened his hold on her allowing her to lean on him freely. He was so comfortable and warm that she snuggled up against him, and despite her best efforts, soon found herself drifting off to sleep to escape the confusion she’d been feeling, which had been heightened by Severus’ departure and the fact that despite Sirius' ill feelings towards Severus, he was being so caring and understanding.

When Erin awoke she was aware that she was still lying on the couch on her side, and in the next moment was aware that Sirius was lying behind her. His arm was around her, and she realized that if she moved at all she would probably end up on the floor. Deciding to chance it, she carefully slid her legs off of the couch and rose to a sitting position slowly so as to disturb Sirius as little as possible.

Just as she was about to stand, his arm tightened around her waist and he said lightly, “Trying to sneak out again, eh?”

Turning to look at him, she saw he was fully awake and smiling. “I need to get up. I have classes to teach today.”

“Erin, I don’t think you're in any condition to be teaching today.”

Giving him her most defiant glare, “I should take advice from you?”

He rolled his eyes, “Let’s not start this all over again. I think your classes may have started without you.”

Pushing away from him, she stood and stomped across the room into her bedchamber to pick up the small wind-up clock that rested on her night table. “Oh, shit! It’s ten o’clock!”

“Dumbledore says you’re excused for the day.”

Stomping back into the sitting room she put her hands on her hips to glare at him, “Call in sick for me, have you? You’ve no right..”

“Just stop it, dammit it! You’re tired, cranky and a real bitch in the mornings, but don’t take it out on me!”

The edge in his voice made her lose her steam. “You’re right, sorry.”

“Did you apologize? Did I actually hear you say you were sorry? Has the earth fallen off it's axis?” He put his hand over his heart feigning shock.

“Oh shut up,” she grumbled. Plopping back down on the sofa next to him she sighed, “So, now what?”

Sirius shrugged, “I don’t know, what do you usually like to do on your days off?”

“Well, I just had a whole week off, so I don’t really know. I mean I did everything that I wanted to do in that week. I hate not having anything to do. Let me ask you something. What happened last night?”

Shifting uncomfortably he answered, “Well, we fought a little and then according to you, had the most amazing sex of your life.”

“Oh, shut up!” Erin exclaimed punching him in the arm.

“Ouch!” he cried as he grabbed her hand and pulled her close to him, “Well, maybe I’m predicting the future.”

“Oh, get off, for heaven’s sake, what is your problem? I swear all you ever think about is sex. I’m serious, did Severus really leave last night, or was I dreaming.”

“You weren’t dreaming. He was called away last night. When I spoke with Dumbledore this morning he had no idea. So, it seems that Snape only stopped long enough to tell you before leaving. Dumbledore will be wanting to speak with you.”

“But I don’t know anything.”

Sirius shrugged and remained silent, so Erin stood and tossing some Floo powder into the fireplace said, “Dumbledore.”

Within moments his face appeared, “Good morning, Erin. How are you feeling this morning?”

“As good as can be expected I guess.”

Dumbledore sighed, “Erin, this is very important I need to know any details that Severus may have given you about his assignment.”

Falling silent, Erin concentrated on the information she had received the night before. She slumped into a chair as she realized that she hadn’t gotten any specifics from him. Her eyes welling up with tears she answered, “I’m so sorry, Professor, but he didn’t tell me anything except that he had to go and that he’d be back soon.” Remembering the bittersweet embrace that they had shared the night before she began to cry openly.

“Erin, Erin, calm down, it’s going to be alright. He will send word, I’m sure of it. I expect we’ll see you back in class tomorrow, right Professor Worhli?”

“Yes sir,” she choked out watching his face disappear from the fire.

“Erin, please don’t start crying all over again. It’s not going to help anything, it’s just going to make you sick. What would help get you started today? Can I run you a bath?”

Nodding, but unable to look him in the eyes, Erin rose from the chair and moved into her bedroom to get some clothes. Entering the bathroom Erin saw that Sirius had lit all of her candles and was standing next to a steaming bubble bath. Without a word Erin walked up to him and put her arms around him. Sirius silently returned the hug for a moment before pulling away to say, “Erin, I know this isn’t the best time, but before I have to leave again, I’d like to talk to you about your feelings for me.”

With her head buried in his chest Erin allowed a loud sigh to escape. “Ok, I think you deserve that.” He left the room and Erin stripped off her clothes and sank into the bathtub trying to figure out what she would say to him, and how she actually felt about him. The candlelight flickered throughout the room and as the tears subsided Erin tried to understand how she felt about Sirius, Severus, and Charlie.

They are all wonderful men. I could be happy with any of them. Charlie is so gentle and kind. Nothing is complicated with him, he’s just who he is. So, why don’t I have stronger feelings for him. I mean, I like him, and I like spending time with him. Maybe if we spent more time together I’d feel love for him, but I really don’t know. I love his family. Actually being part of a family would be wonderful, but you can’t love someone for their relatives. When I kissed him, it felt nice, but not the way it felt when I first kissed Sirius.

Sirius is probably the most like me. He’s stubborn, but sensitive, he has a wonderful sense of humor that always makes me laugh. Unfortunately, so much is complicated with him. He’s on the run. How can I live with someone who has to spend the majority of their life as a dog? I do love him as a friend, but sometimes it seems that there’s a little more. I know he feels more than friendship for me. I wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t left last time so angry. We were pretty close to taking our friendship to the next level, but what about his temper? If he hadn’t left so upset, I wouldn’t have gotten so close to Severus.

Severus, talk about complicated. If you looked up complicated in the dictionary the definition would be accompanied by his picture. It was so easy when we first met, I despised him. He was awful to me. But now I realize that it was all an act. He’s just a sensitive guy who hides it under his ‘I hate everybody’ persona to keep from getting hurt. I feel so close to him sometimes, but then he pulls away from me. I guess I don’t know how he really feels about me, except that he did come here for a kiss good-bye, and that kiss was anything but friendly. Besides, technically he’s off limits until I graduate, and then there’s the whole Death Eater spy thing. How can you love someone that you could lose at any moment? I can’t open myself up to that kind of pain.

So, what am I going to tell Sirius? I could love you if you weren’t running from the law all the time? What would that prove? It would just make him miserable because he can’t do anything about his fugitive status. I don’t know what to tell him, but he does deserve some type of answer.

Sighing, Erin left the sanctity of her bubble bath and dried and dressed quickly. Entering the sitting room she saw Sirius in front of the fire with his head in his hands. “Sirius, what’s wrong?”

When he didn’t answer she moved to kneel in front of him and drew his hands from his face. His eyes were red from crying she suspected, “Sirius, what is it?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Liar,” she answered softly.

“I shouldn’t have asked you what I did before. I don’t want to hear the answer. I remember when you looked at me the way you looked at Snape last night, but I ruined that with my bad temper. I just don’t want to hear what you have to say.”

Holding his hands tightly in hers, Erin looked up into his eyes and smiled at him. “I’m just one woman, why are you so upset. There are millions of fish in the sea. Besides even I don’t know what I am going to say, how can you know?”

Joining her on the floor, Sirius looked her in the eyes, “How many women do you know that would be willing to accept the fact that I’m a fugitive?”

“I have to admit it is quite a hindrance, but if I can see your worth beyond that, then other witches can too. Besides, if you moved to another country, like the US, none of the American women would have heard of you, well, maybe the witches, but probably not the Muggles. Americans are so self-involved very few pay attention to most wanted profiles for our own country let alone other country’s most wanted. Of course, you probably won't want to leave the country for long periods of time because of Harry.” Erin knew she was rambling, but she hoped that it distracted him from his original query.

“Is this your way of letting me down easy?”

Guess not. “Honestly, if you want me to choose right now, I can’t. I don’t want to pick. I know it's not fair of me. I just don’t know who to pick. I don’t want to compare you to anybody else or anybody else to you because that isn’t fair either. I have to admit, I also wonder if things would have been different if we hadn’t left things the way we did.” Sirius immediately hung his head, “I’m not casting blame, Sirius, I was just as much to blame, I’m stubborn and I have an awful temper, too, but the fact is, if we hadn’t gotten so angry with one another, I probably wouldn’t be as close as I am to Severus.”

Sirius muttered something under his breath, which Erin chose to ignore, and instead kissed him lightly on the forehead. “So, what can I do to convince you that we should be more than just friends?” he asked his eyes full of hope.

“If I had that answer life would be so much easier for everybody, wouldn’t it? I’m telling you that I can’t choose. I don’t know. I don’t even know that I want a relationship that is more than a friendship. I wish I knew what to do. I guess the way that I see it right now is that you’re my friend, and Severus and Charlie are also my friends, but if I pick one of you then I lose two friends, and I can’t bring myself to that yet.”

“Erin, the way that you kissed me that night tells me that you want more than a friendship. We could always try again, start over, let me kiss you like I did that night.”

“I don’t know what to do, Sirius. I feel kinda bad. Three guys in two days, that’s a record even for me. What will Witch Weekly say?”

“I know you’re trying to make a joke, but it isn’t funny. I don’t care about those other guys and I don’t care what other people may say or think. That night I felt closer to you than I’ve ever felt with any other woman. I can’t just let that go, please let me kiss you.”

In response, Erin put her hand on his cheek and guided his face towards hers. The kiss began soft and sweet, almost tentative before Sirius broke it abruptly. “This is wrong, Erin, you’re not ready for this. I shouldn’t have asked you, I’m sorry.”

Erin nodded glumly in agreement, but moved closer to him to snuggle into his chest. They were interrupted by Dumbledore’s head appearing in Erin’s fireplace. “Sirius, I need to speak with you.” With a ‘Pop’ his head disappeared.

Sighing deeply, Sirius stood and pulled Erin to her feet as well. “Well, I guess we know what that means, don’t we?”

Without response Erin put her arms around him to hug him tightly. “Please be careful and send word if you can.” Looking up into his sad blue eyes, Erin put her hand on the nape of his neck and pulled his head to hers. Before their lips touched she whispered, “Kiss me like you mean it.”

As their lips met the fire returned. Each time his tongue delved into her mouth the sparks intensified until her body was burning from the inside out. She couldn’t get close enough or kiss him enough. His arms crushed her to him, and she could tell that the kiss was affecting him as much as it was her.

Reluctantly pulling away, he groaned, “Erin, if I don’t leave now, I won’t be able to.”

Leaning her forehead into his chest she took a deep breath before stepping away. “Like I said, please be careful and I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Erin, you don’t have to wait for me. You don’t have any ties to me, I just want you to know that I love you. You wouldn’t let me say it before, I don’t need to hear it back, I just have to tell you, so that if anything happens you’ll know, and I’ll know that I’ve told you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved any woman. I’ll be careful, and I’ll come back as soon as I can, just to see you, no pressure.”

Not trusting her voice, she nodded with the tears already streaming down her face. Without a word, Sirius gathered his belongings and kissed her on the forehead one last time before changing into a dog and exiting the room.

Erin sat down in the armchair and stared into the fire trying to figure out what she should do.