Remus Re-erected

Chapter 6. Remus Revisited: The Ability to Move On.

"I've got dosed by you,

Closer than most to you,

What am I supposed to do?

Take it away: I never had it anyway.

Take it away and everything will be okay."

- Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Dosed"

***

Remus couldn't say exactly when it was that he fell in love with Sirius. Growing up as a werewolf, he had soon learnt to appreciate his own company and ended up as a bit of a loner; he could quite happily live his life keeping an emotional distance from all those around him, even his friends. But at some point during his seventh year at Hogwarts, he realised that this was no longer the case. He knew that if he lost Sirius, his own emotionally-barricaded little world would no longer be the same oasis it had once been. When Sirius had been sent to Azkaban, and then again when Sirius died, Remus found that his previous lonely existence was now no more than a cold, empty space. Falling in love had crept up on him slowly. Perhaps he was already in love before they had become intimate, and the physical closeness only served to cement his feelings further.

Remus took the first step down that road of emotional dependency when Sirius finally made a move on him. It was during the summer holidays, after Sirius had been able to buy his own flat. Remus, James, and Peter had already stayed over a couple of times. Lily had also turned up, once, with James, but she chose not to stay too long in what she disdainfully referred to as their "testosterone-laden hovel". The last visit of the holidays occurred a few days before the new term began. Remus ended up staying there until the train journey back to Hogwarts, only briefly returning home to collect his school things.

Prior to this, Remus had firmly pushed the possibility of any sort of romantic relationship with Sirius out of his mind. It would never work: they were both male and Remus was a werewolf. If Sirius knew, if Sirius wasn't freaked out, and if Sirius was interested, Remus would never expect Sirius to alter the way he lived his life. He'd never ask Sirius to change in order to accommodate the complications associated with Remus being a werewolf, especially once they left Hogwarts. There was no point in investing in a relationship that seemed to be doomed from the start; it wouldn't be fair on Sirius. But Sirius had a habit of putting his foot down and deciding for himself what was and wasn't fair...

Sirius, James and Remus had spent the previous evening getting excessively drunk on firewhisky. Although Peter had stayed over as well, he remained sober, as he had to visit some relatives early in the morning. The other three remained unconscious, oblivious to Peter's exit, cocooned in bed sheets and duvets, which Sirius had drunkenly dragged into the room in the early hours of the morning. Having made the effort to provide bedding for everyone else, Sirius never made it to his own bed, but had ended up passing out, sprawled in a duvet in the corner of the room.

It was around mid-day when the rest of them finally surfaced, with abandoned bottles, food cartons, chess pieces, and a pack of Exploding Snap cards strewn between the sleeping bodies. James was the first to rise, suddenly jumping up and rushing round, breathlessly saying, "I'm late; I'm going to be late! Lily is going to kill me!" Remus could hear Sirius chuckling in the corner, followed by a muffled "Ow!" as James threw a pillow at him. Sirius, from where he was nestled in a duvet, looked over and caught Remus's eye.

"Don't you dare leave me to clean this mess up by myself, Moony!"

Remus gave a sly grin, as if threatening to mull over the idea. "Are you going to make it worth my while?" he jested.

Sirius winked and simply said, "You'll see."

Once James had left and they had started to tidy up, Remus caught Sirius frequently looking at him with an odd expression.

"What's up with you?" Remus asked.

"I want to talk to you," Sirius said, far too earnestly for Remus's liking. "But you'll have to wait until we've finished this: I don't want the risk of you running out on me when there's still work to be done!"

This intrigued Remus, but it also worried him slightly. Sirius was looking pensive for a change, and Remus mulled over what he would want to talk about as Sirius messed around in a sloppy attempt to clear the mountain of rubbish they had accumulated.

"So what is it?" Remus asked, sitting down on the sofa after they had finished.

Sirius sat down heavily next to Remus, sideways, with his legs folded up in front of him.

"Am I right in thinking," Sirius began, "that you've said you don't want to get involved with any women for the following two reasons: one, they'd have to know about you being a werewolf beforehand, and two, the Ministry would give you grief in case you got some girl knocked up with werewolf cubs?"

"Er, yes. Although I probably would've worded it differently," Remus replied tentatively, looking at Sirius suspiciously and wondering where he was going with this. He certainly hoped it wasn't anything as crass as a blind date; Remus thought Sirius knew him better than that. At the time, he had had no idea where it had all been leading, and he was half-expecting Sirius to say someone else had found out that he was a werewolf.

"Sirius, get to the point."

"The point is, I have a solution to your non-existent love life that takes both of your excuses into consideration."

"Sirius--" Remus started to protest; it seemed that someone had found out. But Sirius cut him off.

"Now I'll admit there's a bit of a catch..."

"A catch?" Remus repeated cautiously.

Sirius chewed on his lip for a moment before responding. "I'm the one who's interested."

It had been that simple for Sirius. He knew he wanted something, he worked out what it was, and then he went for it. Sirius was never one to be cursed with a mental fog. Remus was stumped. He was being propositioned by one of his best friends, the same friend he had had a crush on for so long. He could only assume that Sirius was jesting with him.

"Ha, ha, very funny," Remus said dryly.

"Don't look at me like that. I mean it!"

"Yeah, right."

"I've freaked you out, haven't I?"

Remus felt numb as he realized Sirius was sitting there looking far more anxious than Remus had ever seen him. Apparently, this was no prank that was being played out.

"I... You..." he stuttered, trying to find the words to express everything he felt inside at that moment: his delight in knowing that Sirius wanted to be more than just friends, but also his worries about them having a relationship, and his fears that it couldn't work. "I don't know what you think you want from me, Sirius. It's not as if we could have any sort of normal... relationship. We're both male... and what with me being a werewolf--"

"So, who's written the book on what a normal relationship should be like?" Sirius asked, shifting closer towards Remus. "You know I've always had a distinct lack of respect for doing what's considered normal and appropriate. I think we should make up our own rules, seeing how... unique our situation is."

Remus couldn't think of anything else to say. He felt his heart beating faster and his breathing deepen as Sirius leaned forwards to brush his lips against Remus's.

At first, the kiss was a clumsy affair, but once his nerves were overcome and he realised that, yes, they were really kissing, it soon became more and more heated. They pressed up against each other, desperately indulging in their newly-found contact, the sexual urgency building rapidly. But then, just as rapidly, Remus felt the desire begin to wash away, to be replaced by a feeling of affection, of tenderness. The kisses became softer and more leisurely. The taste of the lips Remus was kissing changed; the body over which his hands ran was different, longer, than Sirius's. He was kissing Harry, and Harry was lazily kissing him back. They were wrapped together under the blankets, sated, just brushing their lips against each other's and waiting for sleep to eventually take them.

***

Remus breathed in deeply as he stirred from the dream, and he smiled at the memory of how they had fallen asleep the night before. He felt energised after being this close to Harry once more. Closer, he corrected himself, closer than the previous night that they had shared. It was like falling back into a welcome familiarity, rather than a tantalising newness. This time, it was Harry that he had been with, and not just Harry's body; it wasn't just a convenient outlet for Remus's loss, or his loneliness. Harry was no longer a substitute for Sirius. He was someone who Remus was beginning to feel affection for, like he had in the early days of his relationship with Sirius. Remus recognised the underlying need for this to develop into something so much more than friendship, and he was saddened to know that the opportunity for it to happen just didn't exist.

Smiling fondly, Remus reached out and brushed an errant strand of hair from Harry's forehead. He leant down to replace the strand of hair with a touch of his lips. Drawing back, he saw Harry's eyes flicker open, and for a while, they lay there in silence, gazing at each other, Harry reaching out to run a hand through Remus's hair and Remus tracing the outline of Harry's jaw. Remus didn't want this moment to end, for them to have to get up, for Harry to go back to the Dursley's. But as more time passed, the more the moment was being spoiled with the awareness that they needed to be presentable for when Giles arrived with breakfast.

He felt Harry put a slight pressure on the back of his head, pulling him down to Harry's lips. Stale breath greeted him, but he kissed anyway, needing the connection more than he needed the details to be perfect. Harry shifted, and Remus felt Harry's body line up along his own, felt Harry's hardness rub against his. Remus moaned, running his hands run down Harry's back, wishing they didn't have to stop there, needing more time. He resisted as Harry pulled back, perplexed by the decisive expression upon Harry's face. Breaking their contact completely, Harry jumped out of bed and then began rummaging amongst his belongings.

"Giles won't be up for nearly an hour," Harry commented as he placed a Muggle alarm clock on the bedside table next to Remus.

Remus stared in surprise at the timepiece in front of him, which showed that it was just after seven. Looking back over his shoulder, he could see Harry was now on the other bed in the room, hastily messing up the neatly made bedding and making it appear slept in. Harry then disappeared in the shower room, and Remus could hear running water and the sound of Harry brushing his teeth.

"Go and clean your mouth out," Harry ordered with a grin as he stepped back into the room. "I want to kiss you properly, without distractions."

Remus didn't need telling twice. Within a couple of minutes, he was making his way back to bed. Glancing at the clock once more, Remus frowned.

"Harry, why did you bring an alarm clock?"

"Just in case you changed your mind," Harry said bluntly, giving him a disarmingly cheeky smile.

Remus pursed his lips in an effort to restrain the laugh that was threatening to break. He tried to look condescending, but couldn't quite pull it off.

"Does that bother you?" Harry asked as he moved over to make room for Remus to lie next to him.

"Not as much as it should," Remus replied, drawing Harry closer. "Not now that I know we have more time in be--"

Harry cut him off with his mouth, and they slid against each other, tongues sweeping together, with the taste of fresh mint. Remus wrapped his hands around Harry, moaning into Harry's mouth.

"Harry," he gasped as Harry drew back slightly. He saw Harry's eyes flash with mischief before Harry leant forward, placing his lips by Remus's ear.

"Professor," he said huskily.

Remus shuddered. "That's... that's not fair. You're not allowed to use that word to turn me on."

"You're only saying that because you think it shouldn't turn you on, even though it does," Harry pointed out. "I promise I won't tell, Professor."

Remus let his head fall back onto the pillow and groaned. Looking up at Harry, he gave a sly smile. "Well, if you're going to persist, you might as well do it properly. Why don't you go and get your robes on?"

Harry obliged, and they made the most of their remaining time alone. The robes did not last long before they were a heap on the floor, along with the rest of their clothing that had been abandoned the night before.

A little while later, and in high spirits after having had the extra time for intimacy with Harry, Remus was finally up and getting dressed. Giles soon arrived with the breakfast, complaining about the state of one of the beds--the one they had shared--as he did so.

Remus and Harry chatted while they ate, and after they had finished and the empty dishes taken away by Giles, Harry started to go through his things once more. Finally he stood up, holding out a rectangular package, which was covered in Christmas wrapping paper. Remus was surprised. He hadn't even considered getting any presents this year, and he certainly hadn't expected anything from Harry.

"It's not much," Harry said, handing over the present. "But I saw this in Hogsmeade and thought of you. You might find it interesting, and amusing; the style's very tongue-in-cheek.

"I didn't want to send it to you at Grimmauld Place," Harry added. "In case anyone thought it a bit odd that I was giving you a present."

"Thank you," Remus said, smiling as he began to tear the paper. Inside was a book, A Werewolf's Survival Guide to the Wizarding World. The author's name wasn't stated, the book being attributed to "an anonymous werewolf".

"For all I know, you're the one who's actually written it," Harry joked.

"No. It wasn't me," Remus said as he glanced at the description on the cover. He was sure that it would make for an entertaining read. "Thank you very much, Harry."

After seeing Harry safely to Privet Drive, Remus returned to Grimmauld Place with mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was disconcerted by the strength of what he now felt towards Harry, on the other, he couldn't restrain the good mood he was in. Thanks to Harry's present, Remus's Christmas spirit had been reignited. He decided to send Harry a small vial of Sleeping Draught as a Christmas present--something that would stop Harry from being too verbal in his sleep. This meant that Dudley would no longer be able to give Harry grief over the content of his dreams. Remus also made a point of writing several letters, to make up for Harry's lack of contact with anyone from Hogwarts. And remembering that Harry wouldn't be able to keep up to date with what was going on in the wizarding world, Remus arranged for Harry to receive the Daily Prophet each day.

Remus wasn't as melancholy over Christmas as he had anticipated. Although it was strange, being there with no Sirius, his absence didn't eat away at Remus; instead, he was pleasantly distracted by thoughts of Harry. Remus was also no longer plagued by dreams of Sirius, and he hardly woke up in the midst of dreams at all--whenever he did, it was Harry who was in them. Remus couldn't deny that he was particularly looking forward to the end of the holidays, when he would be staying with Harry at the Green Dragon once more. Having finally come to terms with the fact that he was in an illicit relationship with a student, Remus felt far more relaxed about their situation. On the whole, Remus felt cheerful, even to the extent of catching himself occasionally humming away while reading or doing housework.

Remus often found himself wondering what Harry was doing with himself over the holidays, and he had to resist the urge to telephone him. He was also tempted to Apparate to Privet Drive, but he knew he wouldn't get away with any magic while he was there, and they would at least require a Silencing Charm for what he had in mind. It would also be quite risky if he was seen by anyone in the Dursley household, especially if news of his visit made its way back to the other members of the Order. In the end, he decided upon asking to say a few words to Harry when Hermione next phoned him. But he changed his mind as he approached the kitchen door and overheard part of Hermione's conversation with Harry.

"I hardly think it was appropriate for him to teach you defensive moves in private, given the circumstances."

He stopped by the door that stood slightly ajar, listening as Hermione continued.

"Harry, it's obvious he's realised you've got a crush on him. That's why he insisted on wearing cloaks during the last Defence class; he was worried you might have a... er... you know... that you'd want to cover up."

Not wanting to be caught eavesdropping, Remus silently made his way back upstairs, frustrated that he would have to wait until the end of the holidays before he could talk to Harry.

The next morning as he was going down to breakfast, Hermione asked an unexpected question.

"If there was someone who had an inappropriate crush on you, you'd try to discourage it, wouldn't you?"

"Yes. Yes, of course I would," he automatically lied, wincing inside at the way she appeared to be analysing him. "What makes you ask that?"

"Oh, no reason," she said offhandedly as she entered the kitchen.

The kitchen was bustling with the activity of breakfast being prepared, and Remus offered to help Molly, but she waved a hand in Fred and George's direction.

"I've got them doing something useful, for a change."

Fred and George sighed dramatically and made a big display at having to cook the eggs, bacon and sausages. Chuckling, Remus opened his new book and began to read, occasionally looking over at the twins to check they weren't putting anything they shouldn't in with the food.

"Who's up for a cuppa?" Fred asked, and Remus couldn't mistake the note of mischief in his voice.

"I'm fine, thank you," Remus said as Fred looked enquiringly at him.

"Are you sure?" Molly asked.

"I'll get myself something later. I don't particularly trust your two sons when it comes to drinks, not after hearing about their latest creation."

Molly tutted, and Remus could hear her muttering under her breath about "childish truth or dare concoctions".

"Have you got something to hide, then?" George asked with a grin, and Remus noticed Hermione quickly glancing in his direction.

"Everyone has something to hide," Remus replied, looking pointedly at Fred.

Fred stared back at him quizzically.

Once breakfast had finished and Remus was making his way back up to his room, Fred and George followed him out of the kitchen.

"What did you mean by that comment?" George asked, stopping him in the hallway.

"Why were you looking at me?" Fred added.

Remus gave Fred a knowing smile.

"It's obvious that you're interested in Tonks. Why don't you do anything about it?"

At the mention of Tonks's name, George started to laugh.

"From what I hear," Remus continued, "you were never one to be shy at asking the ladies out at Hogwarts."

"He really likes this one," George said as Fred stood there looking embarrassed. "It matters. So he clams up and can't say anything, because he's afraid he's going to mess it up. I've told him he's being an idiot, but he still won't ask her out."

"In my own time..."

"If you don't take the initiative, she might end up getting involved with someone else, and then it'll be too late," Remus pointed out.

"Yeah, I've told him that too, but he won't listen," George said, grinning with amusement.

"Perhaps it's his ego stopping him," Remus suggested with a smirk. He turned to Fred. "Are you worried that you'll get turned down, when Harry wasn't?"

Fred glared at him.

"He's also got Mum to worry about," George said. "He knows Mum will have something to say about going out with an older woman."

"Molly? She'll be all right, won't she?" Remus asked, wondering what Molly could have against Fred dating Tonks. After all, the age difference certainly wasn't that substantial.

"She wasn't when Charlie started dating someone older than him, and that was only a five year age gap, too," Fred pointed out. "That was when he first went out to Romania, and she threw a fit."

"You can't let that stop you. Even if Molly doesn't like the idea, I'm sure she'd soon come round, especially once she realises how serious you are."

"That's if he ever gets around to asking her out in the first place!"

By the time the end of the holidays came round, Fred still hadn't approached Tonks. Remus chuckled to himself over this as he collected his things together, packing for his return to Hogwarts. Fastening the catch on the top of his case, he caught himself humming once more. He shook his head bemusedly, folding his cloak up and tucking it across his arm. All he needed now was his book, the one that Harry had bought him, but he couldn't find it anywhere in the room. So he made his way downstairs, assuming that he must've left it there the night before. Entering the kitchen, he found Hermione engrossed within its pages.

"Are you finding it interesting?" he asked, causing Hermione to look up.

She nodded, and then glanced down at his bag and cloak. "Time to collect Harry?"

"Yes. We'll be meeting you tomorrow at the station."

She closed the book and handed it over. "Don't worry, I haven't lost your place; the bookmark's still there."

Remus and Harry spent a lot more time in bed that night, indulging in their privacy once they were sure Giles wouldn't be returning again until morning. They both realised that the next time they could be alone together in the same way might not be for a while. Harry wouldn't need to return to Privet Drive until Easter at the earliest. But even this might not happen, Remus acknowledged sadly, with Harry possibly not going back until the end of the summer term. And so, with a whole evening ahead of them, they took the opportunity to leisurely explore every last inch of each other, immersing themselves in the moment.

The following morning, they found plenty to talk about, discussing the Christmas holidays and Dudley's disappointment that Harry hadn't been beaten up by "Tonks's older brother". Remus was thoroughly enjoying Harry's company. Harry went on to mention his telephone conversation with Hermione, which left Remus feeling a bit disconcerted. He admitted to overhearing part of what had been said, but dismissed Hermione's comments, saying that there were far worse things that Hermione could be aware of, and what she did know was hardly going to rock the boat.

"And it's not as if we've got any plans to publicly start dating!" Remus joked.

"No," Harry said, laughing weakly. "I guess, when it comes down to it, we're just using each other."

Remus gave a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He nodded gently and reached out to run a hand through Harry's hair, letting his gaze wander across Harry's features. "It can't mean anything." Remus pressed a chaste kiss to Harry's lips. "And no one need ever find out just how we've spent our time together."

"I don't mind being used by you," Harry said, kissing Remus back. "After all, I'm only getting what I can before the inevitable with Voldemort. The way I see it, there's no point in saving myself for anyone, or pretending to get involved in something long-term."

Inside, Remus winced at Harry's attitude towards his own life. Harry was too young to have gained such a cynical outlook; it wasn't fair that he had been placed in these circumstances. It also reminded Remus of his own perspective on living when he was younger: why pretend to get involved with anyone, when being a werewolf precluded anything long-term from occurring? In a small way, he understood what Harry was feeling, and this empathy made Remus want to change Harry's life in a manner that he knew wouldn't be possible. All he could do was to pull Harry close and kiss him tenderly.

Later on that morning, they met up with Hermione and Ron at the station. Remus considered that his time on the train journey would be best spent patrolling the train. Perhaps later he could find an empty compartment in which he could catch up on some sleep.

As he was leaving the others to make his way up the train, Hermione called out, "Professor, as you're going to be patrolling the train, I was wondering if I could borrow your book again. I'll give it back to you, once we get to Hogwarts."

"By all means, Hermione," Remus said, reaching into his bag to pull the book out.

"Did you get much reading done last night?" she asked casually as he handed it over, causing Remus to do a double-take. He hadn't read a single word, but to avoid questions of how the time was spent he didn't admit to this.

"A bit," he mumbled, smiling before walking away from them.

Remus was only due to remain at Hogwarts for a week before he had to return to Grimmauld Place because of the full moon. He immediately settled back into teaching and didn't encounter any problems with teaching Harry; they shared a few brief glances, but that was all. It seemed to Remus that Harry was going to continue avoiding him outside of the classroom. But on the Wednesday, Harry unexpectedly approached Remus in the corridor at lunchtime.

"Professor, can I speak with you about... er, the homework?"

Remus smiled and nodded, immediately leading the way to his office. As he closed the door behind them, he noticed that Harry looked pale and was fidgeting with the strap of his bag.

"I thought you ought to know," Harry began tentatively. "Hermione's guessed."

"Guessed?" Remus asked, hoping it wasn't what Harry seemed to be implying.

"She told me she thought something was up during the last Defence lesson. She didn't understand why you chose to end the lesson early when she asked for a demonstration without the cloak--not unless you were affected in the same way that I was. And you already know that she thought the private tutoring was a bit suspect," Harry said, continuing to fiddle with his bag. "Apparently, you were also too cheerful over the holidays; she expected you to be more closed off, seeing as it was the first Christmas since Sirius died. She didn't believe you would have got over the death of such a close friend so easily without having some sort of distraction," he explained. "So before you left to collect me, she had made a note of where you were up to in your book. When she borrowed it on the train back to Hogwarts, you told her that you'd spent some of the time reading--I told her that, as well. But she checked on the train; the marker was on the same page, and she knows you're a stickler for keeping your place."

Harry sighed before continuing. "I tried to talk my way around it and think of a reason, but she wasn't having any of it. Then she asked me where I'd got the love bite from. I couldn't stop the look of panic on my face; I thought it was something I'd overlooked. Of course, there wasn't any love bite, but my reaction nailed the lid on the coffin."

"Oh," Remus said dumbly, not knowing what else to say to this revelation. His mind had gone blank. He didn't know what this meant for his relationship with Harry, but he knew it couldn't be good.

"She wants to speak to you about it."

"Oh," Remus said once again, more stiffly this time. "What else did she say?"

"She's not happy. She ranted on at me about your responsibility to Professor Dumbledore, and how she's now expected to keep secrets herself, especially from Ron. She's not impressed with what we've been doing, and you're far from being her favourite person at the moment."

"Do you think she'll say anything to anyone else?"

"No. She did threaten to, but I don't think she will. At least, certainly not until after she's talked to you."

"Thanks for warning me, Harry."

"What do you think you'll say to her?"

"I honestly don't know."

Harry stepped closer, placing a comforting hand on Remus's arm. Smiling softly, Remus leaned in to let their lips gently connect. He wanted more, but he knew this was neither the time nor the place.

"Harry, you'd better get back to your friends. If you stay any longer..." Remus trailed off, not wanting to verbalise what he would be at risk of doing. Instead, he pointed out the reason that was stopping him from indulging any further. "Someone could come up to my office and find us."

After Harry had left, Remus sat down behind his desk, mulling over what Hermione had said to Harry. Remus did not appreciate this turn of events. Just when he had got used to the idea of continuing to be this intimate with Harry, of the possibility of a relationship--even if it was somewhat dysfunctional--someone had to find out. He tried to think of reasons why it wasn't any of Hermione's business, and why she shouldn't get involved. But he suspected that if she was determined what he and Harry were doing was wrong, none of his reasons would affect how the conversation would pan out.

It was the end of the week before Hermione finally approached him. He was about to return to Grimmauld Place, feeling relieved that he had managed to avoid a confrontation so far. He had just made it past the doors to the Great Hall when he heard her call out behind him.

"Professor Lupin, may I have a word please?"

Remus stopped where he was, making no move to go to his office. He hoped she wouldn't attempt to address the subject if she was forced to talk to him in public. He knew he was only delaying the inevitable, but as far as he was concerned, he could quite happily put off talking to Hermione indefinitely.

"Of course, Hermione, what can I help you with?"

"Well, I'm having a few problems," she said, fixing him with a steely gaze. "It's a bit embarrassing... Do you mind going through it with me--in private?"

Remus sighed, unable to think of a reasonable excuse to avoid the discussion. For all intents and purposes, she was a student asking for help, even if he did know the real motivation behind her request.

"Very well," he responded stonily before making his way back to his office.

"I suppose Harry's told you," she said once Remus had closed the door.

Remus nodded soberly.

"You can't carry on doing this," Hermione insisted.

Remus was stunned that she felt she it was her business to interfere, and he was unable to hold back the annoyance in his voice as he spoke.

"Tell me why we shouldn't. It's all been kept behind closed doors," he pointed out. "It's not as if anything has happened in school time or anywhere at Hogwarts," he added, choosing to ignore the kiss they had shared earlier in the week.

"But how much longer will you be able to keep it out of school? I can't see Harry waiting patiently until he goes back to the Dursley's." Hermione looked at him, waiting for a response, but Remus could offer nothing, knowing full well it was already going down the route that she was suggesting. "You said it yourself, before, that you used to go to school with his father, and you're over twice his age. And there's also the fact that he's underage. You know that you'd both get into a lot of trouble if it got out."

"I don't intend for anyone to find out."

Even before Hermione opened her mouth to reply, Remus knew what she would say.

"I found out."

"That doesn't mean anyone else has to," he said weakly, although it was obvious that there was going to be no guarantee that their relationship would be kept secret.

"Look, I gave him these and a whole heap of other reasons why it shouldn't continue, but I never told him the main one--the most important one."

Remus frowned at her, puzzled.

"It's not fair on Harry," she stated baldly.

"But we're just--"

"Using each other. Yes, Harry told me that, but I don't believe him. I can tell you mean a lot more to him than he's prepared to admit, even to himself."

Remus automatically drew in a breath, chastising himself for not acknowledging that this could happen. That Harry would become too attached, just as Remus already had. Hermione spoke again.

"You know there isn't any future in your... relationship with him."

"He claims not to care about the future. He can't... at least, not at the moment."

"But when he finally can, because you know that one day he will, all he'll be aware of is that you can't be a part of it, not in the way that he'd like you to be. What you two have...it can never be anything more, and Harry is going to get hurt, one way or another. Don't you think it would be best if you ended it sooner rather than later--before he starts to feel more for you than he already does?"

Hermione stopped, and looked searchingly at Remus. He was at a loss for words.

"I... I never realised he felt so strongly," Remus admitted. He'd never even considered it, and causing Harry pain was the last thing he wanted to do.

"You don't want to hurt him, do you?"

Remus shook his head. He couldn't let Harry become any more attached to him, and he didn't want to be responsible for holding Harry back. Just how much would Harry miss out on if Remus continued with their relationship? He felt he had no business letting Harry get emotionally involved with a werewolf who was old enough to be his father. It hadn't worked out between him and Sirius, and it wasn't about to work between him and Harry. He had held Sirius back, and it was only after Azkaban that Sirius had been able to break away from their restrictive situation. His relationship with Sirius had only ended after they'd both realised the devastation that keeping it a secret had caused. He couldn't bear to risk a disturbance of that kind, again, and certainly not with Harry.

"Don't you think you should be doing the right thing then?" Hermione asked. "That you should break away from him before he... cares... too much?"

"I need to think about this." Hermione frowned at his evasiveness, and he continued. "I understand what you are saying, Hermione. But I really think he needs someone at the moment."

"But why should that be you? Why can't he have someone who he can tell people about?"

"I'm not saying that it should be me--"

"But if you continue to see each other, he won't even attempt to get close enough to anyone else to start a relationship with them."

Remus nodded reluctantly, the reality concerning his age and position creeping up on him. He wanted to be able to comfort Harry while he was still dealing with Sirius's death and to be there while Harry was in limbo because of Voldemort. But he didn't want to be the reason that Harry couldn't move on, once the prophecy had been fulfilled. And he couldn't accept the possibility of Harry not surviving. Harry had to make it through this; Remus wasn't able to think about it being resolved any other way.

"Promise me, Hermione, that you won't say anything about this yourself--that you'll let me be the one to tell him?"

"I won't say a word. When are you going to talk to him?"

"I have a train to catch shortly, so I think it best if I wait until I return."

He felt disorientated as he made his way back to Grimmauld Place. In his heart, he knew that Hermione was right. It seemed that after one brief conversation it was all over, for good. He didn't know how he would tell Harry. He didn't have a clue what he could say, but he was sure that it would be better if it ended now rather than later, before Harry--before either of them--became any more emotionally involved than they already were.

Hermione had stated the truth he'd known all his life: it was impossible for him to have a relationship with Harry, or anyone else. It seemed any relationships he had would always involve keeping secrets, and that was not healthy in a long-term commitment. It was time to face up to reality and to break away from Harry: it wasn't fair to distract Harry at this time in his life. And if someone was needed to escort Harry in the future, Remus would have to make sure that he wouldn't be available. He wondered how Harry would take it. Harry would know how difficult Remus would find it to resist, and that Remus would therefore have to avoid all potentially intimate situations. One worry stuck out in his mind: I only hope we can somehow keep our friendship.