Remus Re-erected

Chapter 5. Remus Reinserted: The Inability to Stick by a Decision.

"Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained."
- Willliam Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

***

"But... we'd agreed to wait until Halloween!" Remus protested.

They had made the decision just before the term had started, and only two weeks later, Sirius had changed his mind. He wanted to tell James about their relationship, but Remus wasn't sure he was prepared to deal with James's potential reaction at the moment.

"I know, but I can't keep this from him any longer, Remus," Sirius said firmly. "And it's driving me wild, not being able to take advantage of sleeping in the same room as you..."

"Even if James knew, it wouldn't make any difference: he's not the only one who sleeps in here."

"James could help get us some privacy, to ensure we don't get disturbed."

"And you're that sure he'd be okay with it?"

"He's my best friend."

"I know, and I don't want you to risk losing that because of me."

"Remus, will you stop doing that!" Sirius snapped. He caught the hurt look in Remus's face and softened his voice slightly. "James already worked out at the beginning of term that I'm hiding something from him; he just doesn't know what it is. All I said was that I would tell him when I was ready. And I'm ready now, Remus."

At that moment, the door to their room suddenly banged open. It was James, laden with a bag full of books.

"What are you two up to?" James asked, glancing between the odd expressions on their faces. "I thought we were going to mess around on the Quidditch pitch this afternoon, Sirius."

"There's something I want to tell you, first," Sirius replied, glancing warily at Remus.

"What about?"

"Remus, do you want to stay for this, or--?"

"I'll be downstairs," Remus said before hastily making an exit and hearing Sirius call out "Coward!" after him.

He sat out of the way, in a corner of the common room, pretending to read and waiting to find out James's reaction. After only a couple of minutes, he could hear the thud of something heavy being dropped upstairs. No doubt, Sirius had told James in the most dramatic way he could think of.

In hindsight, Remus should've known that Sirius would take the opportunity to wind him up, as well. The next thing he knew, James was storming down the stairs, looking furious.

James stopped halfway down, hung over the banister and yelled gruffly, "REMUS! GET UP HERE NOW!"

Remus then trudged his way up the stairs, wondering how he was going to deal with this. Once he entered the room, James had slammed the door closed, sending a shiver of panic up Remus's spine. Then both James and Sirius had burst into laughter.

"Sorry," Sirius managed to say between gasps. "I couldn't resist!"

***

It had been that simple, and it had all happened in a matter of minutes. Any anxiety he felt had been kept to a minimum, not counting Sirius and James's little joke. He didn't have time to stew over Sirius's overturning of their previous decision, didn't have time to worry about an impending discussion; it was over and done with before he'd had the chance to think about it. Spending the day waiting to go and collect Harry from the station was a different matter.

He tried not to think about the evening ahead. Every time his attention drifted in that direction, he only let himself think of it in terms of a teacher escorting a student and how it could be carried out as such. Having Molly there, helping him tidy the house for when she and Arthur returned with Ron and Hermione later on, was a welcome distraction. But it had felt like a very long day to Remus.

By the time they had reached the station, Remus was still in two minds about the evening ahead. On the one hand, he was anxious about being alone with Harry; on the other, he was looking forward to being able to spend time with him. He waited, doing his best not to appear apprehensive, and before long, students began to trickle through the gates. Harry, Ron, and Hermione appeared and made their way over, with Ron laughing, Harry poking him, and Hermione looking thoughtful. Ginny was staying at Hogwarts over Christmas, and Remus suspected this had something to do with Dean Thomas.

As they said their hellos, Ron hadn't been able to hold back from asking why Remus hadn't taken any Polyjuice this time. Remus politely pointed out that it wasn't necessary, as there shouldn't be anyone there that evening who would object to a werewolf staying in the same place. Then Molly was steering Ron and Hermione in the direction of the car.

"See you in a couple of weeks," Harry called out to them.

Remus took a deep breath to steady his nerves and then began to lead the way to the Green Dragon.

"What with the Ron's family coming over, I take it there are going to be quite a few people at Grimmauld Place this year," Harry said as they walked out of the station.

"Yes. It'll probably get quite busy. Just like last year..." Remus trailed off as several images came to mind of Christmas at Grimmauld Place. This was the first time he had thought about last Christmas, when Sirius had still been alive. Although they hadn't been together, Sirius's enjoyment of having so much company had been really quite infectious. It had been hard to get any moping done when Sirius's booming voice could be heard all round the house, singing, "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs!"

Remus looked up to find Harry studying him.

"It's never the same, when someone dies," Harry said quietly. "No matter how much your life becomes filled with other things, other people, there are always moments that remind you of them; moments that would be different if they were still here."

Remus nodded, feeling a bit dismayed that their conversation had begun on such a melancholy note. He tried to lighten the tone. "It will feel strange this year, but I'm sure Tonks, Fred, and George will keep me occupied... When was the last time you spent Christmas at the Dursley's?"

"It was before I first came to Hogwarts. They're really disappointed I've got to go back this year, almost as much as I am! I've asked Hermione to phone me a couple of times, to keep me sane."

"Perhaps you could think of it as having two weeks to wind Dudley up," Remus suggested with a smirk, which Harry returned.

"I think I'll enjoy that. All that frustration of having to put up with Ron recently, and now I can take it out on Dudders."

They let the conversation peter out as they reached the pub, where Giles was as friendly and as talkative as ever.

"You've got the twin room this time," Giles informed them, making his way up the stairs, and Remus had to restrain himself from letting out a big sigh of relief.

Giles carried on chatting, mainly about Cornelius Fudge staying there, as he let them into the room. It was very spacious compared to the last one they had stayed in, with a table and two chairs on one side as well as a large amount of floor space. Giles turned to leave.

"What time is breakfast?" Harry asked quickly as Giles was disappearing behind the door.

"Will eight o'clock do you?" Giles said, and Harry nodded. "You were awake all right last time, except for that lazy sod!" Giles pointed an accusative finger in Remus's direction and smirked before finally leaving.

Remus swore silently at Giles for reminding him how he had felt the last morning he woke at the Green Dragon. This left him feeling tense, and he distracted himself by rifling through his bag for his book. Looking up, Remus saw that Harry had dumped his things in the middle of the floor and had gone to sit at the table.

"I'm famished. I hope the food will be as good as last time," Remus stated awkwardly, hoping they would soon get back to their easy banter.

"Same here, although it's a pity I won't be getting the same entertainment while I eat," Harry said with a grin. "Watching you change from Tonks into Remus wearing Tonks's clothes made it a truly memorable meal!"

Remus couldn't help himself from chuckling at the memory, and he welcomed the chance for some light-hearted conversation. Before long, Giles arrived with two giant Yorkshire puddings, filled to the brim with vegetables, beef and gravy. They talked about inconsequential things as they ate, and then Giles returned, giving them a jovial rant as he did so before leaving once more with the empty dishes. Feeling a lot more comfortable with the situation, Remus didn't retreat inside his book as soon as they had finished eating, as he had anticipated doing, but ended up continuing to chat with Harry.

"So how long do you think we'll have to wait before the others get bored with abusing us for their own amusement?" Harry asked.

"I wouldn't like to say," Remus said as he shrugged. "George and Ron are probably going to be the biggest problems. I've got Tonks under control, and I have my suspicions about Fred, which I hope to use to my own advantage."

"Suspicions? About what?"

"The last few occasions they've been at Grimmauld Place, I noticed that he was finding a lot of excuses to spend time with Tonks. I'm sure he's a bit taken with her."

"I thought he had an odd look on his face when they were reading the part of the transcript about Tonks staying over for the night..."

"I didn't think about that," Remus chuckled. "Poor Fred, knowing what you've been up to with Tonks!" Remus sat back in his chair, his brows drawing together in thought. "I suppose that explains why they were willing to keep quiet about that particular indiscretion--after all, Fred wouldn't want to upset Tonks, if he could avoid it. But what I don't understand is how you managed to persuade Fred and George to keep quiet about the rest of it."

"Hermione insisted. She can be pretty scary at times."

"Even so, she must've had a given them a good reason. I can tell they find it highly frustrating not to be able to make any obvious digs in front of other people."

Harry looked a bit sheepish, and he pulled a face. "They think I've got a huge crush on you that I'm really embarrassed about, and Hermione thought it would be really mean to tell everyone."

Seeing that Harry was not about to elucidate any further, Remus asked, "Harry, why do they think you've got a crush on me?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "That time they spiked my butterbeer, Fred had asked me if I'd be prepared to kiss you again, and George thought it would be funny to add 'without the Polyjuice?' They expected me to instantly deny it, but of course, I couldn't..."

"I see." Suddenly, all the little digs and comments seemed to develop that much more meaning. "Did they ask anything else... incriminating?"

"No. They only asked if I would've sent Hedwig in the first place if they hadn't kidnapped her, which I would've done. That was when Hermione stepped in. She pinned me down on my own the following day to talk about it, and now she's decided that it's got something to do with what happened between me and her."

"So she thinks you were only with her for a distraction, or as a means to reassess your sexuality?"

Harry nodded, looking a bit guilty about using her in this way. "She was a bit peeved at first, but she's been sympathetic as well. A whole lot more than Ron has. I think he's a bit disturbed by the whole thing, to tell the truth. You should've seen his face when I couldn't answer the Polyjuice question. Every now and then, he'll look at me with a completely bemused expression, muttering, 'I still don't get it, at all.'"

Remus bit his tongue, as the thought I'm not sure I do, either was nearly vocalised. He didn't want to be encouraging Harry to list his reasons for why he was interested. Instead, he commented, "So it makes him uncomfortable, and he's taken to covering up his uneasiness by making a joke of it? As if he needs any encouragement to behave like Fred and George; I'm sure Ron is getting more like them the older he gets."

"On the day we went to Hogsmeade, they taught him how to spell 'Swoony 4 Moony' over my things," Harry said with a grimace. "Every now and then, I'll open up a book to start reading, or get my broomstick serving kit out, and he'll have done it again: left the declaration for me, encircled in a bloody love heart!"

They both chuckled at this, then Harry added, "He didn't shut up for days after that last Defence lesson with you." He looked up at Remus with a serious expression. "I was so grateful to be wearing my cloak."

"You're not the only one who appreciated it," Remus admitted.

"Are the moves we're covering next term going to be any easier?"

"No, I'm afraid not," Remus said soberly. He rubbed his hands across his face in an effort to stop himself from tensing up. "I'll get you all to wear cloaks again; it'll be good practice. Let's just hope Miss Granger doesn't ask me to demonstrate without the cloak at an inopportune moment."

"Why do I find it so difficult?" Harry asked in frustration.

"I remember James having a similar problem when we were at Hogwarts, so I think it may have something to do with the skills you use as a Seeker. The muscle movement probably runs counter to what you're used to when reacting to catch the Snitch."

"Perhaps you could go through the Defence moves with me now; we've got the space. Then I'll definitely be able to do them in class, and I won't need your... help."

Remus looked up at Harry. They had been talking, and that had been fine. Temptation hadn't been an issue, but Remus felt Harry's suggestion was about to change that. Going through the defensive moves with Harry would certainly up the ante with regards to his self-control, but he couldn't ignore Harry's reasoning. If they got it over and done with, then they wouldn't have to worry about any embarrassing exposure. He nodded reluctantly.

"Have you done the essay yet?" he asked.

Harry shook his head and grinned.

"I haven't even decided on what moves you're going to cover. I promise I won't let it slip to anyone which ones we're doing, except to Hermione and Ron, of course!"

Remus pulled a face of mock disdain. "All right, but I'm only going to show you the moves; I'm not going to talk about any of the theory."

Harry pulled his Defence textbook from his bag, and Remus found the page for the first one they would cover: standing and casting a spell, a roll, followed by another cast.

Although Harry did require some help in places, Remus found that it didn't involve any prolonged contact. He was able to intervene relatively quickly and keep his distance somewhat; not having an audience also helped. With the move successfully completed, Remus offered his hand to pull Harry up, Harry's hand sliding slightly within his grip thanks to both of their sweaty palms. Once Harry was upright, their eyes met, and Harry instantly broke all contact, stepping back sharply and turning back towards the book on the table. Remus stood there awkwardly, watching Harry fumble through the pages.

"What's the next--" Harry began to say, but in his distracted state, he had managed to knock the book to the floor.

Remus bent down and retrieved the book. He placed it on the table and was about to find the next move they'd cover when Harry's hand rested on the pages, stopping him.

"What's this section about?" Harry asked.

Remus glanced down. The heading Awareness looked back up at him.

"It's about taking every opportunity to be aware of potential hazards in the place you are going to be duelling," Remus began. "So, for example, in a room you'd notice where all the obstacles are: chairs, tables, and the like. That way you can take them into account when casting and moving, and perhaps use them to your advantage. It's also about taking into consideration any other dangerous items lying around such as knives, potential hiding places, and--"

"Veils," Harry finished for him tonelessly. It hadn't been what Remus was going to say, but Remus couldn't disagree with him.

"Yes. And veils."

"Didn't he cover any of this at school, or afterwards?"

"We covered it at Hogwarts, in our seventh year, and he certainly would've gone over it as part of his Auror training. But I doubt that Sirius had really thought about re-studying it, though, not after escaping Azkaban. I never caught him going over any texts like this one since he was back."

Harry's fingers began to move slowly over the page, tracing the words under his fingertips. He took in a deep breath before speaking.

"Do you think, that if he--"

"Harry, don't," Remus interrupted, and he placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Don't do 'what if's. That's something you could never know either way."

Harry glanced across at Remus, sadness in his eyes. Moving away, Harry sat heavily in the chair that was next to him, and Remus followed suit, sitting opposite. He could imagine how Harry was feeling. He had felt it himself on more occasions than he cared to remember: the bitter refusal to accept the loss, the desire to change what couldn't be changed, and the futile hope that it was something you wouldn't have to go through, ever again. Remus had tried to tell himself before now that you get used to it, after a while, after so many deaths. But he had come to the conclusion that you never do; you only learn to pick up the pieces more efficiently each time, you learn how to refocus on other things, other people. But it still hurts just as much.

Harry's hand was back on the page, tracing the words, his face expressionless.

"I hate feeling like this," Harry said, staring at his fingers as they wandered across the paper. Remus reached out and laid his hand across Harry's to still it, causing Harry to look up. "How do you stand it?"

"It doesn't last forever, Harry. The feeling does lessen, eventually." Remus let his hand move across the back of Harry's to comfort him. "It'll still creep up on you every now and then, but as time passes, it'll happen less frequently and won't be as strong."

"How did you cope when you thought Sirius had betrayed my mum and dad, and killed Peter?"

Remus's breath hitched at the unexpected question.

"Very badly," he admitted. "For months, I spent a lot of time at home, avoiding everyone I could. Avoiding all those people offering their heartfelt condolences on having lost so many, and on having been betrayed by a friend." He felt Harry squeeze his hand, and it was then he noticed that Harry had interlaced their fingers whilst he had been talking. He squeezed back and gave Harry a small smile.

Remus realised that sitting here and discussing death was probably not a good idea. If he wasn't careful, it would only lead to them comforting each other far more intimately than they should. He gently changed the subject.

"Are you ready to go through the second move?"

"Okay."

Their hands separated, and they both directed their attention back to the book. Remus found the correct place and let Harry take a look at the diagrams. The move was entitled The Three-Pointer and involved casting whilst standing, a slight turn, casting in a half-crouched position, another turn, and then one last cast from a crouched position.

This time, Harry was having a harder time trying to concentrate. He wasn't keeping his wand arm high enough, and his turns were unbalanced. Remus soon gave up merely giving out verbal instructions, instead choosing to stand behind Harry as he carried out the move, guiding him through it.

They were close, far too close for comfort. Remus could smell Harry's skin clearly, and it had a faint musky scent that reminded him of waking up with his face against Harry's chest. His hands were tingling where they rested: one on Harry's left shoulder and the other on Harry's right forearm, with the rest of their arms brushing against each other. Focusing on not breathing too heavily, Remus told himself that this shouldn't be a problem. This was just a lesson that he was giving, and Harry was just a student.

As they made the last turn, Harry suddenly stepped back in an effort to stay upright, catching his foot on Remus's and causing them both to topple backwards onto the floor. Remus froze as he ended up underneath Harry. Having Harry flush against his body instantly began to turn him on. He swallowed as Harry got to his knees and unintentionally brushed against Remus's groin.

"Are you all right?" Harry asked.

Remus nodded awkwardly, trying not to think how much he wanted to pull Harry downwards and start kissing him.

"Help me up," Remus prompted.

Harry moved back slightly, taking one of Remus's hands and helping to pull him upright. Once standing, Remus took a moment to brush himself off.

"Right, why don't you see if you can run through it by yourself, without me getting in the way and risking two broken necks," he said, trying to lighten the mood.

Harry let out a breath, and then went through the move once more. To Remus's immense relief, Harry managed to get the essentials right, even if he was lacking a lot of finesse.

"That's fine, Harry. Just keep practising it and there shouldn't be any problems in the lesson next term."

Harry stretched as he straightened up, turning to look directly at Remus. The look was predatory, and Remus could feel the same desire mirrored within himself.

"I'm... I'm going to take a shower," Remus stammered, picking up his bag and bustling out of the bedroom. An exceptionally cold one, he added silently.

But he couldn't get it cold enough. The icy water just wasn't tempering his libido, the urge to get too close to... my student, he told himself forcibly. He didn't want to go back out there, like this, with only a fragment of self-control holding him in check. Banging his head against the side of the shower in frustration, he resigned himself to self-gratification, hoping it would take the edge off of his temptation, letting go with a loud groan of release.

Knowing he had been in there quite a while, Remus rinsed himself off and quickly dried and dressed. He stepped back into the bedroom, looking sheepishly at Harry, who was sitting on one of the beds.

"I think those walls are a bit on the thin side," Harry commented.

Remus blanched, and he felt even more off-balance when Harry threw him a lop-sided grin.

"Harry, I don't think--"

"Look, Remus," Harry interrupted. "I can't do this. What I mean is... I can't not do this. This is ridiculous. Right now, all I want to do is... well, you know what I want. At a guess, I'd say it's exactly the same as what you want." Harry stopped to give Remus a look that dared him to deny it.

Unable to disagree, Remus remained silent.

"But why aren't we? Because I'm your student? Tell me, who's going to find out, Remus? How is this any more likely to be made public than the last time?" Not waiting for Remus to reply, Harry stood up, running his hands through his hair. "It's a bit late to be worried about Dumbledore. I bet you should've told him about us before you started teaching again. But you didn't though, did you?"

Harry paused, looking at Remus for an answer, and Remus shook his head dumbly.

"Then tell me why this is going to make such a huge difference to the secret we've already got? Give me a better reason why we can't."

"I don't think I can give you a better reason," Remus finally admitted, and he added, "That was a well-thought-out argument, Harry."

"I've had quite a while to think about it; you've been in the shower a rather long time," Harry pointed out with a smug grin.

He walked closer until he was standing barely inches from Remus's face.

"It... it wasn't... cold enough..." Remus trailed off, feeling Harry's breath ghosting over his skin.

"So I heard."

Harry closed the remaining gap between them. There was nothing Remus could do; there was no resistance he could offer. He buckled, kissing back, letting himself go, and throwing all his pent-up frustrations in Harry's direction. There was no looking back now. All thoughts of his responsibilities were thrown to the wind, and there were only three words echoing round his head: I've missed this.