Konstantine

Konstantine

I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

One could never call your future a dream; it was reality. You always knew what you wanted to do, insisting you had only one true talent. I was the wishful thinker, the dreamer; thinking of all the possibilities that awaited me outside of Hogwarts' grounds. You always told me you would just hold me back, burden me. You were so scared that I would grow to resent you. Perhaps it was your fear of my hatred that caused me to hurt.

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover

I spent the night after I received the Owl from you alone. It was a beautiful summer night, the sky clear, a slight breeze, the air warm enough that you never felt chilled. It was a night made for lovers, a night for the star-crossed to come together, to just be. But you were across mountains, rivers, fields, and I was sitting under that old oak tree. And you didn't want to be together anyway. I spent that night alone, staring out at the lake willing myself to be strong, until I fell asleep amidst the lulling waves of grass.

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past

I'd much rather be back in your arms. I'd rather not be here living this life that I am living. I want to be with you, not without you. I wish I had a time turner again, so I could keep going back and replaying the moments that we had together. Perhaps I could stop time and the two of us could be together forever.

And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

I had placed so much in you. I had given up my logical thinking, my rationality to you. I surrendered. You took it like a fragile rose, promising that when I was with you the petals would scatter and flutter in the wind because I would be safe. Instead you accepted the flower and crushed it beneath your foot.

And I had these dreams,

In them I'd learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star

You were always famous for being yourself. I was famous by default. Am I really famous? Fame from being Harry Potter's genius, Muggle-born friend? And I was famous for being with you. Never for being myself, never for the things I did. I was always just part of the background it seemed; even when I wasn't. But who cared about me anyway? Except you. In your eyes I was always the centre of attention and there was no one else.

And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
Well I don't think I care

We were fools in love. I was only fifteen and you nearly eighteen. But then age didn't matter. I was just a girl and you were just a boy. And then you turned into a man and I was still just a girl. Why have a girl when there were women out there? You still said that you would take me with you, that we would always be together. But then we both realized that you were going places that where I just couldn't follow. How could I remain a part of your hectic life when I had my own one to live? Yours was one of Quidditch super-stardom and mine was of a simple school girl trying to prove herself to the world.

And if I hurt you then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

But the fact is, is that you did hurt me. And you swore that you wouldn't. You told me you weren't like the rest of them, that you had seen too many horrid things in all your years that you were different. That you weren't really human anymore and you didn't understand how to hurt anymore. Going to a school like that would do things to you. You made promises that I believed. But you lied. Because you did know how to hurt. Because you hurt me. Because right now I'm hurting. Because it seems like it came easier to you than the rest of them. Because you are just like the rest of them.

And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

You always told me how you believed in destiny. That you were fated to play Quidditch, that that was all you would ever do. You believed that I was fated to do great things, that I am who I am to do them. And finally you believed that being with you would ruin my attempts at greatness, that you weren't a part of my destiny.

But I don't believe in destiny. And I don't believe that I can truly be great unless you are there helping me along the way.

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?

I still remember that night as if it was yesterday. You made me feel beautiful, even though the rest of the school had never seen it. Even though I had never seen it. And for that one night I was no longer Hermione Granger, resident book-worm, but instead Hermione Granger, the gorgeous witch entering the Ball with a Quidditch superstar on her arm. That night changed my life; it changed the way people looked at me. It changed the way I looked at myself. Suddenly I was more than that studious little Gryffindor. People actually envied for more than my intelligence and I liked it.

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair

But I don't have blonde hair. But I know she does. And I want to hate her, I want to hate you. But I can't. There are so many unanswered questions. Do you love her just because it is so much easier to love her? Was it so hard to love me? I want to hope that you will have an awful life with her, filled with misery. I want her to hurt you worse than you ever hurt me. But secretly I know I don't want any of those things. I just want you to be happy. And does she make you happy? I hope she does.

And I been thinking,

It hurts me thinking

That these nights when we were drinking

To they never got us anywhere.. no

It almost seems like all our time together was just a waste. We knew nothing could ever become of it. Long-distance relationships never work out. But for once I decided to throw my logic out the window. It was time to take a chance. But here I am, just back where I started, with so much wasted time. Think of the things I could have done instead of writing all those letters, during all those sleepless nights, and during the emotional breakdowns. It feels as if it was all for nothing.

This is because I can spell confusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it

Maybe this is something you just had to do? That you really didn't stop loving me. You just had to go out into the world and prove to yourself that what we had really was the best it could get. I know it was. But I would have given you that chance. Because I know that I would have liked a chance, even though I know I wouldn't have needed it.

You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said, did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

I missed you so much sometimes that it hurt. Now, with the prospect of never seeing you again, I feel as if a part of me has died. I would like to think that you miss me too; that you're hurting from the letter as much as I am. But she's there to comfort you isn't she? To convince you that what you did was the right thing saying that we are both better off this way. Maybe we are, but shouldn't we be the ones to decide?

Because we all need a little more room
To live

Even though my heart is screaming at me, telling me that this is not the way things are suppose to be, I am still that rational girl under it all. Although I don't want to admit you're right, I know deep down that you are. And it's the fact that I am so logical that allows me to go on. Ironic isn't it? The one thing you told me to toss away at first is the only thing I can hold onto now. It tells me that I will eventually move on. That it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. It is my rationality that will keep me together when I have to go back out and face the world again. But no matter what happens, no matter how my heart mends, or who helps sew the pieces back to together, you will always be my first love.

My Konstantine

-Fini-