Sex Ed

Harry Potter awoke one Monday morning to an empty dorm room. He got dressed and joined his fellow third years in the Gryffindor common room.

"Harry, look!" his best friend, Ron Weasley, said as he dragged Harry over to the message board. There was a new notice saying:

All boys third year and above will report to the largest Charms classroom Saturday evening at 6:30 for sex education. All girls will report to the Great Hall.

"Sex ed?" Harry asked. "What do we need that for?"

"It's because of..." Ron started, but just then two of his older brothers, Fred and George, came over.

"It's because someone has to teach Ickle Ronnikins here about the flobberworms and the hippogriffs," Fred teased.

Ron got an angry look on his face but didn't get to say anything because Percy strode over to them. He looked disdainfully at Fred and George and said, "Oh, really, you two! Please try to handle this a bit more maturely, won't you?" But the twins kept right on snickering at the sign.

"Percy, what's this about?" Harry asked.

"Oh, you know," he said. "Extra precautions and things. The teachers are trying to keep that Slytherin's pregnancy to a one-time thing."

"Oh. Who's teaching it?"

"Professor Sprout is teaching the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw girls on Friday, Professor Flitwick is teaching the boys, Professor McGonagall is teaching the Gryffindor and Slytherin girls on Saturday, and Professor Snape is teaching us and the Slytherin boys," Percy said and strode towards a group of first years, yelling at them for being too noisy.

"SNAPE?!" Harry said as soon as Percy was out of earshot.

"Could be worse," Fred said.

"Yeah. Could be McGonagall," George added as he shuddered.

"But seriously...SNAPE?!"

"It just can't be," Ron agreed.

"And why not?" George crossed his arms across his chest.

"Because that would mean that Snape knows about sex. Which implies that he's had it. Which is disgusting. 'Snape' and 'sex' don't belong in the same sentence," Ron said firmly.

"Oh, what do you care, Ron? You never pay attention to Snape anyway," Fred pointed out.

Ron rolled his eyes, George laughed at the sign again, and Harry started to worry.

-Scene Change-

Saturday after dinner, everyone was in the common room waiting until time to go to sex ed. Fred and George were showing off their latest invention, Percy was yelling at them, Ron and Hermione were cuddling by the fire, and Harry sat near them doing his Divination homework.

At 6:15, Hermione stood, kissed Ron good-bye, and headed for the Great Hall. Everyone began to slowly trickle out of the common room. Harry and Ron dawdled, not wanting to go while Neville complained that he didn't know what was worse: getting The Talk from his gran or getting it again from Snape.

Eventually, though, they had to go to the Charms room, so Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean left the safety of their common room and walked to the Charms room. Unfortunately, they'd tarried so long that the only seats left were in the front row, which everyone seemed to be avoiding. They sat, however, and Snape stormed in a few moments later.

"Due to recent...events," Snape began, "I've been asked to talk to you about sex, so...let's begin. Now, who here had had sex?"

Only a few people raised their hand, and one of them was Malfoy.

"Malfoy's had sex?" Harry whispered.

"Of course! Pansy's the girl that got pregnant. Duh!" Ron whispered back.

"Now, I know there are more than that," Snape said, seeing only five hands raised.

"Excuse me sir," Fred grinned wickedly, "but what exactly do you mean by 'sex'?"

Snape paused for a moment, then carefully said, "intercourse."

"Oh, okay then," Fred said and put his hand up.

"Honestly, just six? There must be more than that," Snape said.

Slowly, Harry saw out of the corner of his eye, Ron put his hand up. Whose face looked more shocked (Harry, Fred, George, Percy, Seamus, and Snape all looked pretty startled) was anyone's guess, but Harry asked, "You and 'Mione?!" quietly.

Ron nodded while Fred and George whispered frantically, "You and Hermione?! How was it? Any good? What'd ya do? Where? Was she any good?!" Ron shook his head in an embarrassed sort of way and did not answer.

"Only seven? Look, you won't get in trouble, okay? Just be honest."

Slowly, more and more hands (including both George's and Seamus's) when up around the room. The very last hand to go up was Percy's.

If people had been shocked when Ron raised his hand, they were positively mind-blown when Percy raised his, blushing redder than his hair. Fred and George rushed over to congratulate him on being semi-human (saying they'd suspected he was an alien from outer space for quite some time), while Ron muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "If I'd have wanted to know everything about my brothers' sex lives, I would've just asked them."

Snape looked around at the twenty or so hands in the air. "That's what I thought," he said. "About half. Now, this class is designed to teach you the proper spells to protect yourselves during such encounters. The first we will learn is a simple birth control charm...Mr. Malfoy! Pay attention!"

Malfoy had slumped over in his seat and looked to be teetering on the verge of consciousness. "You, of all people, need to learn this charm," Snape scowled.

"Why's Snape treating Malfoy like that?" Harry asked Ron.

Ron shrugged. "Maybe he's pissed because Malfoy got Pansy pregnant."

"Now, the incantation is thus: Fornicus!" Snape said.

"Fornicus!" they all repeated.

"Good. Now, this is to protect you against diseases. Repeat: Domantium!"

"Domantium!"

"Good. Now, those two basic charms will...yes, Mr. Weasley?"

Fred was waving his arm in the air. "Professor," he said innocently, "when would one use those charms?"

"When having sex, Mr. Weasley," Snape sighed.

"Just the intercourse of for the other stuff, too?"

"What 'other stuff'?"

"Well, say my girlfriend is going to give me a blow job," he began.

Next to Harry, Ron's skin was tinged green and he seemed to be fighting the urge to throw up.

"Now, obviously we won't need the Fornicus charm, but should we use the shield charm just in case? I mean, could someone catch a disease like that?" Fred finished.

Harry didn't know if Fred really wanted this information, was trying to make Ron vomit, or was just trying to piss Snape off (it may have been a combination of all three), but Snape just said, "Some diseases spread like that, and others don't. Better safe than sorry, though."

George waved his hand in the air frantically.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?"

"What does fellatio mean?"

If Harry had thought Snape was angry before, he hadn't known what anger looked like. Snape was paler than Harry had ever seen him, but his cheeks were flushed blood red. In an abnormally false-calm voice, he said, "I believe even Longbottom knows the answer to that."

Dean Thomas, however, said, "Well, I don't."

Neville, who happened to be sitting next to Dean, squeaked in fright as Snape turned slowly to face Dean.

"Five points from Gryffindor for being so stupid. It's oral sex on a man, by the way," Snape added and turned to the chalkboard.

As soon as he did, Fred's hand shot up into the air again.

"What, Weasley?" Snape asked without turning around.

"What if my girlfriend wants me to go down on her? Should we use the shield charm?"

"What kind of diseased girl are you sleeping with, Weasley?" Snape spat. He quickly realized that he'd spoken that aloud and said, "Er, I mean...'better safe than sorry.' You can never be too careful."

"I've heard it tastes funny," George piped up.

Ron turned a wicked shade of chartreuse.

Snape said, "Oh, dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into," under his breath and sighed.

-Scene Change-

An hour later, Snape had covered the alternatives to spells (using a Muggle condom seemed silly when you had a wand), the basic mechanics of sex (Ron retched several times, dangerously close to puking), and the Lubricus charm (amidst a room full of snickers when he described its many uses and where the wand tip must be placed). Finally, he dismissed them.

Halfway back to the Tower, they met the girls. Hermione grabbed onto Ron's hand as though holding on for dear life. All the boys snickered. Ron shot them "shut-up-or-I'll-kill-you" looks and Hermione looked confused.

In the common room, Fred and Angelina were having a fight over him "forgetting discretion in a blatant display of stupidity by revealing their bedroom exploits to so many people," George was hounding Percy for details (though Percy divulged none), and Hermione stomped up to her dorm room after Neville let it slip that Ron had revealed their little secret.

To make all this worse, Ron finally threw up.

For once, Harry Potter was glad to be a girlfriendless virgin.