James Potter Peter Pettigrew Remus Lupin
Humor Slash
Multiple Eras
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 11/26/2004
Updated: 07/07/2005
Words: 84,268
Chapters: 11
Hits: 101,183

The Dating Disasters of Sirius Black


Story Summary:
For some reason unfathomable to Remus, Sirius always likes to tell him in excruciating detail about his various romantic problems. Not fluffy.

Chapter 10

Chapter Summary:
Part ten: Julie Halverston (again) and Something Black and Blue. Sirius gets reacquainted with a previous boyfriend, and Remus gets reacquainted with being unexpectedly jealous.
Author's Note:
I know, it's been ages and I'm so sorry. But here it is.

Part Ten: Julie Halverston (again), and something black and blue

Remus sulked. He was lying on his bed, curtains drawn around it, viciously flicking the pages of his text book over every few minutes just to make sure everyone knew he was still there. Mind, James and Sirius seemed to be pretending like he wasn't. Bastards.

'--so what happened then?' Sirius was asking James.

'Well, then she said 'thank you, Potter', and flounced off! That was nearly a compliment, wasn't it? She actually thanked me! She thinks I'm amazing at weather charms, and now, today, she says thank you to me!'

'Hold on James; did she say 'thank you' or 'thank you'?'

'Is there a difference?'

Remus sighed loudly and was ignored. 'Of course there bloody is: one of them's sarcastic,' Sirius explained.

'Which?' asked James. Remus rolled his eyes and flicked another page over, accidentally ripping it slightly in his temper.

'The second one, obviously.'


'You'd think you'd know sarcasm, what with living in a dormitory with Lupin for so long.'

Remus let out a short, disgruntled hiss.

'So I take it she was being sarcastic,' Sirius continued.

'Yeah... I might have got a bit carried away.'

'And those weather charms were mine anyway.'

'Well I don't see you with the girl of your dreams either!'

'Well, seeing as we're on the subject, guess who received the joint-best-ever blow-job of their entire life last night?'

Remus choked on his own breath, causing him to splutter rather too loudly.

'What did you do, Black, wait 'til he was asleep then slip it in?' James snorted.

Remus scowled as they both laughed nastily at his expense. Wasn't it just great that they were now able to laugh about it all, so long as it was just the two of them laughing at him, anyway.

And then he realised what Sirius had said.

He stuck his head out through his bed-curtains. 'Sirius!'

His two friends stared back at him, highly amused. 'For Christ's sake Lupin, it isn't something to worry about. I hardly ever put my cock in your mouth when you're sleeping; you grind your teeth too much.'

James snorted, flopping sideways and sniggering into his pillow. Remus gave Sirius the sharpest look he could muster, but Sirius just smirked and raised an eyebrow.

Unbelievable, Remus thought, Sirius couldn't actually mean that he was seeing that awful Julian again, could he? 'How about,' he began, 'you discuss our chances of beating Ravenclaw this weekend, because surely the chances of that are slightly higher than the chance that Lily will actually ever go out with Prongs.'

'Piss off,' muttered James.

Sirius, meanwhile, narrowed his eyes at Remus, but Remus just gave him another very pointed look and returned to his sulking.


Remus found himself, rather uncomfortably, sitting alone with Sirius as they watched James' Quidditch practice, and trying to work out exactly how he was going to ask about Julian.

Being unable to think of any inventive and subtle conversation openers, he decided to take a deep breath and just ask. 'So how long's it been going on for this time?'

'God knows,' said Sirius glancing at his watch, 'feels like hours.'

Remus gritted his teeth, knowing perfectly well that Sirius had understood the real question. 'I mean you and Julian.'

'What? Oh, that. Since we got back to school really, why d'you care?'

'I don't, but you know fine well that James--' Remus paused in horror. 'Wait; since the term began?'

'Yeah, he broke up with his bloke back home anyway.'

'But -you-- we...'

'Talk sense, man.' There was a distinct note of amused glee to Sirius' tone.

'Does he know--'

'That I kissed you on my birthday? I doubt it. I'm not going to tell him and presumably you won't. Unless you'd like James to give you a good kicking?'

Remus lapsed into sulky silence. He couldn't believe that; that Sirius had had a boyfriend when they'd been... That for all Sirius' whining and acting heart-broken and used, he'd actually had himself a boyfriend all the time. It was just ridiculous! That Sirius could calmly just cheat on--

Remus stopped there because he was worryingly unsure about where that thought was liable to end.

'So are you going to sulk all day now, Sulky McSulkerson?' Sirius made like he was about to poke Remus sharply in the side, then seemed to change his mind.

Remus bit his lip, glaring down across the pitch where James was instructing his team in tactics, Peter at his side taking notes for him. 'I'm not sulking,' he insisted.

'Yeah! I don't see why you've got such a problem with this; you never minded before.'

'I did mind before! And now here's us sitting watching the Gryffindor team practicing hard so they can beat Ravenclaw at the weekend, and all the while you're shagging the Ravenclaw captain! Or whatever,' he added, desperately not wanting any shagging-related details.

'I'm not shagging him. Ish. We're just, sort of, you know.' Sirius grinned cockily and folded his arms, a thick aura of smugness hovering around him.

'Well whatever you're doing, I've a good mind to tell James; you know how angry he'd be, and I think he's had to put up with enough from you recently.'

'Yeah, Lupin, you go tattling to James, and I'm sure there's a couple of people you've been snogging recently that he'd love to hear about.'

Remus turned to gawp at his friend in pure shock that he was being so blatantly threatened, only to nearly fall off his seat when he all-too-suddenly noticed there was an unfamiliar face right next to his own.

'And what would you be doing here?' Sirius calmly asked his boyfriend, who apparently had been kneeling behind them for some time, his arms propped up on the railing that ran along the back of their bench.

'Spying, obviously.'

Remus tried to glare at Sirius, who surely couldn't let the idiot discover Gryffindor's all-important tactics for Saturday's match, but was too caught up in the horrific realisation that Halverston could have overheard them mention... mention that thing that had happened on Sirius' birthday.

'Been there long, have you?' Sirius asked.

'Long enough.'

Remus' stomach clenched tightly and he couldn't breathe.

'Well if you were waiting for me to say something nice about you then you'd have been there a long time, you cock-sucker.' Remus was amazed that Sirius could be so relaxed about this.

'Oh would I?' Julian answered, and to Remus' complete and utter disgust Halverston then slicked his tongue into Sirius' ear. 'I love it when you talk dirty,' he added, in a whisper that was clearly audible to Remus.

'So,' Sirius began, turning to fully face Julian and resting his elbow on the railing, 'are you going to let me distract you from your spying?'

Remus stared ahead at the pitch, trying not to look at them, and praying that none of the Gryffindor team would turn around.

'You know; I might.'

Remus turned away from the pitch to glare at them.

'You have a problem with this, Lupin?' Halverston asked him.

'Anyone could see you!'

'James look away from his broomstick? Not a chance.' Sirius leaned in and kissed Julian on the lips.

Remus noticed that he'd made a small whimpering noise in shock at their behaviour. They just stayed like that, Sirius' eyes closing and mouth opening, and Remus could see where his tongue slid into Julian's mouth, Sirius' hand reaching up so he could weave his fingers into Julian's blond curls.

Sirius smiled around the kiss and pulled away just enough to speak. 'Is that distracting you eno-- Remus!'

'What?' Remus snapped.

'I think we'd all be a lot more comfortable if you stopped staring, you homophobic bastard,' Halverston replied flatly, without taking his eyes off Sirius. Or, more accurately, Sirius' lips.

'Well I would be a lot more comfortable if you stopped doing that,' Remus commented primly.

'Fine with me,' Sirius covered a slightly confused and worried expression with an enormous grin. 'Care to be distracted somewhere a little more comfortable?' he asked Julian in a comically seductive way, leaning forwards and wiggling his eyebrows at the boy.

'What are you suggesting, Black?' Julian leaned in too, and actually licked his lips.

Bloody hell, this is disgusting, Remus thought.

'I'm suggesting that we leave Lupin to be a miserable, homophobic little bastard all on his lonesome, and I give you a good, hard distracting, hm?' Sirius was now speaking almost directly against Halverston's mouth.

'A good, hard distracting, eh? And what would that entail?'

'We'll have to see... won't we? How about we get reacquainted with that nice room behind the portrait of Unglebertha the Untidy?'

'Sounds good to me...'

Sirius jumped up and vaulted over the back of the bench, then actually slipped his arm through Julian's and walked off down the stand with him.

'But what about--' Remus started to ask.

'James won't mind; I'm keeping the enemy away from his precious practice, aren't I?'

As the two boys reached the pitch below, Sirius quickly grabbed Julian by the scruff of his neck and waved cheerily at James as he passed by him.

There was something just so infuriating about Sirius' ability to get away with anything and everything, Remus thought sulkily.


'Bor-ring!' Sirius moaned, although quietly, so Professor Kettleburn wouldn't hear.

'Yeah, Unicorns aren't even on the sodding exam, are they?' added James.

Remus was trying to peer over the heads of the rest of their class for a better look. 'Well no, but we've never seen one this close before--'

'Or not while we're in human form anyway,' Peter commented.

'--and it's interesting to observe--'

'You, Lupin, are a boring old fart yourself, just like Kettleburn,' Sirius sighed.

'Yeah,' James said, 'bloody unicorns, only liking the girls touching them, though Black could probably get a bit nearer, seeing that he's bent as a nine-bob note.'

'James!' Remus yelped, shrinking back a little as people turned to see what he'd been screeching for, and Professor Kettleburn frowned at him.

'Well he is, aren't you Sirius?'

Sirius folded his arms, now actually concentrating on what their Professor was saying.

'Where did you even pick up that expression?' Wizards didn't have paper money, so Remus couldn't fathom how James could even understand the phrase. 'Have you been doing special homophobic research?'

'I heard Evans telling a third-year off for saying it,' he replied proudly.

Remus sighed.

'Well at least he's consistent,' Sirius said, 'at least he doesn't pick and choose when he feels like being a gay-bashing bastard.'

James came over all offended. 'So I'm always a bastard, am I? Worst compliment you've ever come up with, Black - that why you went poofy is it? Couldn't charm the girls properly?'

Remus gave up and edged away from his friends and further round the circle of girls to try and get a better view of the unicorn.

'Remus,' Sirius said softly in his ear.

'Yes?' he asked curtly, turning away from their professor to where Sirius was standing next to him.

'Well why are you stomping off? James offend you, or what?'

'He should bloody well stop saying those things, he--'

'Moony. Don't worry about it, he's just joking, and coping in his own way. He doesn't mean it; he knows I like a bit of both and he doesn't mind that.'

'Okay then.'

They both returned to facing forwards where a couple of girls were patting the unicorn. While his friend was distracted, Remus sneakily leaned in slightly to the side, towards Sirius, letting their shoulders touch, just very gently. He closed his eyes momentarily and prayed that Sirius wouldn't pull immediately away; it had been nearly three weeks since he'd touched Sirius, in any way at all, and he'd missed it desperately again.

Sirius shuffled a little, but allowed the contact. 'I don't understand the expression he used though.'

'Oh... well, it doesn't usually mean gay, it just means--' Remus lowered his voice as Professor Kettleburn glared in their direction. '--means dodgy, because,' he continued hastily, 'well, you know that Muggle money is in pounds and pence?'

'In this country, yes I do, how thick d'you think I am?'

'Well they have paper money called notes.'

'I know that too, fuckwit.'

'Right, well, it comes in denominations of five, ten, twenty, and fifty and one hundred though I've never had the fortune of seeing those two, so you can't have a nine pound -or bob-- note, so if you got one it would be obviously wrong or a fake, or, as in the expression, bent, a word which is also used to mean--'

'Gay,' Sirius finished for him, his voice flat and cold.

'Um, yes.' Remus' brain flailed around for something useful or comforting to say. 'You know that I really don't mind what you do with your sexuality, right?' Remus pushed himself closer to Sirius, just to make his point. 'And I have said that before, because I do mean it.'

'So what the hell was all that yesterday then?'

'I-- it was-- just. Look, I don't like your public displays of affection, it's-- just wrong, somehow.'

'How? How is it wrong, eh? You wouldn't have minded if it's had been a girl though, would you?'

'Yes! Yes I would have! You just don't show your girlfriends off like that, and you've certainly never been... kissing them like that, all... in front of me.' Remus squirmed uncomfortably. Sirius' bare wrist brushed against his and he stilled so he could feel it better, getting a sudden mental image of Sirius sleeping in his bed again, curled around him.

'So it's just me that you don't like doing that in front of you?'

'No! Just, no... I don't like anyone, anyone I'm friends with that is, behaving like that; it's far too personal to do something like that in front of someone else, or to watch someone doing that.'

'You didn't mind that time we were spying on Peter and Jenny Spinksley.'

'Well, yeah, but... that was funny. He kept biting her lip by accident and having to apologise.'

They were standing with their sides right up against each other now, and Remus could practically feel Sirius smiling because their heads were angled sideways towards each other and their faces were almost touching. 'That was funny. But -- so it's just watching anyone kissing that you don't like?'


'Oh. Well, good.'

'Kiss as many boys as you want and I won't mind,' Remus told him.


Remus turned his attention back to their lesson, but he didn't see any need to move away from Sirius because it had been so long. The unicorn now seemed to be relaxed enough to be letting one of the girls -Lily, he realised-- feed him. Remus turned slightly to see where James was. 'But--' Remus found he'd said before he'd even known he'd meant to say anything.

'James?' Sirius asked with a sigh.

'Yeah; what about James?'

'He really doesn't mind--'

'No, I mean, him and Julian.'

'Look, it's just another thing that James doesn't need to know about, like... like those other things he doesn't need to know, yeah? So we just won't tell him. Me and Julie are hardly serious, I mean, he is a twerp, he's just-- he gives really good blow-jobs,' Sirius finished, his tone matter-of-fact.

'Sirius!' Remus yelped, though quietly, but again he could feel the warm smile that accompanied that comment. 'So... better than girls then?' Remus attempted to raise an eyebrow, but predictably failed miserably due to his non-compliant facial features.

Sirius gave him a sharp look, but shrugged. 'Well... Actually, I wouldn't know, girls are a bit less eager to prove their proficiency at that particular sport.'

'Oh god, Sirius!'

'I'm filthy and you love it,' he whispered gruffly in Remus' ear, before pulling away rather suddenly, presumably realising he wasn't supposed to say things like that anymore.

'Yeah, I do,' Remus replied, grinning and bumping their shoulders together gently, because this was exactly the easy, teasing friendship he wanted to have with Sirius, and Sirius relaxed their bodies together.


That night, Remus realised that having yet again become distracted from his copy of A Wizard's Guide to the Management of Stress, that he was waiting for something. Namely Sirius. He was waiting up, despite his exhaustion, to see if Sirius might possibly decide to pop through his bed-curtains for a quick chat or something.

Just because the two of you have actually been talking normally today doesn't mean things are getting back to normal, Remus told himself sternly, it was only one conversation. And Sirius was the only one missing from the dormitory, so he was probably off with--

The door clicked open, then was shut softly, and the fingers of Remus' right hand had clenched tightly into his pillow. He waited quietly in the dark, the room lit only by a small lamp next to Sirius' bed.

Even if he had been with Halverston then maybe he'd want to talk to Remus about it, like he used to. It made sense, he decided, as he listened to Sirius undressing.

When Sirius switched the light out, Remus carefully rolled over, wriggling under his covers a little erratically, so as to let Sirius know that he was still awake, or had maybe just woken.

'Night, Moony,' Sirius whispered, and Remus heard him climb into his own bed.

Remus sighed, as quietly as he could, and pulled the sheets over his head.


'Ahh, Lupin.'

What are the chances, Remus thought sulkily, that he would be the one to happen upon Julian Halverston as he headed alone to the Great Hall for his dinner on a Friday evening? Extremely high if you have the traditional Lupin bad luck, he decided. 'Halverston, what do you want?'

'Oh wouldn't you like to know?'

Remus stepped back from him, narrowing his eyes suspiciously and clutching his bag a little closer.

'Fucking hell, Lupin, I don't want to fall out with you or anything.' Remus continued to glare. 'Look, you're okay, I mean you're much less of a git than Black or Potter.'

'Should you really be saying that?'

Julian tutted loudly. 'Yes, I don't see why not.'

'You should hardly be talking about your boyfriend like that,' and Remus was surprised at how nasty his own voice was starting to sound.

'Call it what you want, Sirius and I are doing... whatever together, and it is nothing to do with you, so keep your nose out of my business,' Halverston replied, his voice lowering in volume, but rising in anger too, 'because my sexuality is none of your business, and I don't see why it should be a problem for you what Black does either.'

'I never said I had a problem with--' Remus felt himself blush again. '--with that, I just didn't want you doing it in front of me.'

'That's bollocks, Lupin, I heard you talking--'

'So then you'd know that the reason I don't like... this, is that James would kill the pair of you, and I don't see why you feel you have to do this in the first place.'

'Do what?'

'You're obviously just trying to make James angry.'

Julian laughed. 'You don't have a clue, Lupin, even you must be able to tell that Black is pretty fucking good-looking; trust me I'm 'doing this', as you call it, because I get sexual favours from one of the best-looking blokes at Hogwarts, not because I'd actually go to those lengths to fuck with Potter's life.'

'Yeah, right,' Remus found himself mumbling rather feebly.

'Exactly right, if you don't mind; or is that the problem? Is Potter all jealous because I've stolen his boyfriend?'

'Fuck you!' Remus gasped in shock, blood boiling with anger that Sirius would even give the time of day -never mind anything else-- to this idiot.

'Is that what you're after, hm?' Julian stepped closer to him.

'Like I'd fucking touch you.'

'Well what's the problem then?'

'I've just told you what the problem is.' Halverston had somehow crept closer and Remus shoved him quite hard just to get some personal space back.

'Well if you're so bothered the why not just tell Potter yourself? That's what you want to do, isn't it?'

'Fuck off!'

'Cagey, aren't you, you little bastard?' Halverston nudged forwards, his face right in Remus' now, and Remus discovered, to his surprise, whilst pushing back, that they were almost exactly the same height. 'Still don't see what your problem is; surely you've got Potter all to yourself now that I'm keeping Black out of the way?'

Remus seethed with his sudden, sharp anger, his arms had raised defensively and his elbows were resting on the other boy's chest, jostling against him as their noses almost touched.

'Or is that the problem, eh?' Halverston murmured, 'is it Black that you want all to yourself?'

One of Remus' arms had lifted away from Halverston's body, and, without either of them realising what he was about to do, he slammed his fist into the Ravenclaw's cheek-bone.

'You little shit!' Halverston lunged for him immediately, and Remus' hands were grabbing at the boy's neck and hair, which seemed like a particularly girly way to fight, which was annoying considering he was fighting with a poof.

Remus felt a sudden tug at the back of his robes, and as he tried to jerk away from it discovered that his feet were no longer touching the ground. As he looked down he noticed that Halverston seemed to be suffering from the same problem.

'Tut, tut,' said a slightly mocking voice. 'You know I've never understood the urge to fight with fists when it's so much easier with wands.' Oh great, Remus groaned as he turned to see; Professor Forge was an unusual bloke, sometimes amiable and interesting, and sometimes rather slimy, so he was unsure as to what would happen now. 'I would have thought that it would be a trait only prevelant in those who have Muggle blood in them, but it seems to be the choice attacking method of all students. We truly are human beings before we are wizards, hmm?'

'Professor! He just--'

'Yes, thank you Mr Halverston, I'm perfectly capable of dealing with this myself.' And he clearly was, seeing that he had his wand out and was levitating them both off the ground. Remus' stomach dropped with dread. And trust a smarmy git like Halverston to try and clipe on him at the earliest opportunity.

Their potions master regarded them both with an expression of suspicious amusement. 'So whose Head of House should be dealing with this? Seeing as it's you Lupin -and you're supposed to be a prefect, aren't you?-- I'll let Minerva deal with you, as it's only fair that you and your three pet trouble-makers are her problem. Bad day for Gryffindor when you four were sorted together, hmm, indeed. Come on.'

The tug on Remus' robes got more insistent as Professor Forge floated them both down the corridor. 'Let's hope she hasn't gone to dinner yet, eh boys?' Remus rolled his eyes because that was the exact opposite of what he'd been hoping; she was going to kill him anyway, but she would be even harder on him seeing that she was his Head of House.

And god this was embarrassing, he thought, as a seventh-year and two second years pointed and sniggered at them, though he'd quite possibly prefer embarrassment to the extreme discomfort of the way his stomach muscles clenched tightly once they'd reached the door of Professor McGonagall's office.

Forge knocked calmly on the door with his other hand, then opened it without waiting for an answer.

Damn it! Remus sighed. 'Yes, Acacius?' Professor McGonagall frowned at them, then sighed as she glanced to the floor and noticed the hovering.

'Caught these two fighting,' their potions master said wearily.

'Are you sure?' McGonagall asked in surprise, and Remus cringed at her faith in him.

'Indeed.' Professor Forge seemed to be rather taken with a particular painting on the office wall, but as Remus turned to look at it, the man lost concentration with his spell, and Remus and Julian dropped to the floor. Somehow Halverston managed to land on his feet, but Remus staggered clumsily and fell, having to clamber up from his knees, trying to ignore Julian's smirk.

'So... er, Acacius?' Forge jumped and looked at her. 'So did you see what happened?'

'Yes, they were standing much too close so I decided they needed watching, then they were shoving at each other, then Lupin just punched Halverston.'

'I see.' McGonagall's lips had thinned considerably, and the expression on her face was less anger and more determination. 'Would you do me a favour?'

'Of course, Minerva.'

'Get Mr Potter, Mr Black and Mr Pettigrew out of the Hall and send them up here immediately.'

Remus tried not to wince openly

'Yes, yes, of course...' Forge trailed off and wandered out of the room, but Remus had no more time to ponder the man's peculiarities as Professor McGonagall set upon them immediately.

'Why on earth would you do something like that Lupin?'

Remus shrugged, but she continued to glare so he said, 'he wasn't being very nice.'

'I hardly thought I needed to explain to you why it is that we don't punch everyone who we think 'isn't very nice'.'

'I'm sorry professor.'

'Is that all you have to say?' Remus nodded, eyes on the floor. 'What were you arguing about?'

The answer that formed in Remus' head sounded stupid enough just in his mind, so saying it aloud was definitely not an option.

'Well Lupin was--'

Remus gaped in horror that Halverston was actually going to say something, but luckily he was interrupted by a knock on the door.

McGonagall looked absolutely incensed that anyone should have chosen that moment to knock, and she screeched 'come in' extremely sharply indeed.

Remus' three friends slouched in apprehensively.

'So what have we supposedly done this time?' James asked in a tone that was altogether too rude to use whilst addressing your Head of House, narrowing his eyes as he noticed Halverston.

'It turns out that Lupin has been doing the fighting this time,' she told him coldly.

'What?' gasped Sirius.

'I should have known that Mr Halverston was involved in all of this too.'

All of what? Remus wondered. Clearly their professor thought that this was all some sort of big conspiracy, when really all it was was a group of friends falling out. Though he would admit that she had good reason not to trust them.

'So, in your own words Mr Halverston, can you tell me what happened?'

Remus found himself blushing, even though he didn't know exactly why; he didn't even regret hitting Julian, only regretted that he'd been caught by a teacher, but suddenly he desperately didn't want everyone to hear the details of the argument.

'So, Lupin and I were talking about, er, Quidditch and--' Julian stopped abruptly as their Transfiguration professor slammed the quill she'd been holding to the desk and leaned forwards.

'Quidditch? You were arguing about Quidditch?' Her eyes blazed, and Remus found himself trembling a little, because McGonagall was bloody scary when she got like this, but also with relief that Halverston wasn't going to tell everything.

'Um, yes. So... I said that we'd win, and he said that they'd win, and he called me something, and I called James something, and then he hit me.'

'I see...'

'Yes, so yeah; that's what happened,' Julian finished lamely. Remus realised that it was Sirius and not their professor that Julian hadn't wanted to reveal the details of their argument to. Best not to let your boyfriend know how jealous you are of his best friend, he supposed.

'And that's all you're going to tell me? And what do you have to say?' she turned her piercing eyes to Remus.

'Yeah, that's about what happened.'

'I see. So you started the violence; did he hit you back?'

'Well, err... I think he would've if Professor Forge hadn't--'

'Quite. So he 'wasn't being nice' about Gryffindor's Quidditch skills and you hit him?'

'Yes professor.'

'Well, I suppose I shouldn't let you watch the match tomorrow then.'

'Yes professor.'

'You'd probably better not risk letting Halverston--' James attempted.

'Not a chance, Potter,' she snapped.

'Worth a shot,' he shrugged.

'Why, you that worried about--'

'Mr Halverston, do be quiet!'

'Yes professor.'

She simmered quietly for a minute, almost as if she was expecting that one of them would crack and tell her something. 'Fine. Four weeks detention, Lupin, and one week for you, Mr Halverston. I'll find out one day, you know,' she added, and Remus fought the urge to laugh at how solemn and intent she was at the prospect of it. 'Right, get out then.'

They trooped miserably out of the room.

'Oh, and one more thing,' she called through the door, and they turned. Remus shuddered because that almost malicious element to McGonagall's voice was rare indeed - it was heard only when she was so angry as to actually enjoy inflicting deserved punishment, and she wasn't usually a cruel person, unlike some teachers he could name.

They all turned back and watched her warily.

'If you put one more foot wrong, Mr Lupin, I will be forced to revoke your prefecture and take your badge away from you...'

Remus relaxed slightly. Admittedly his mother would be angry and upset if that happened, and he would be very disappointed in himself, but it would be a general relief in his everyday life, not having to attempt to curb James and Sirius' behaviour.

'...and give it to Mr Pettigrew. That is all.'

James closed the door quickly behind them, and there was a general sigh of relief.

'Fuck knows why she thinks that would be so much of a punishment to any of us,' Sirius said with a shrug.

'Nooooooo!' howled Peter, so loud that McGonagall must have been able to hear it clearly, despite the thick stone walls and heavy wooden door of her office. Remus knew exactly how the boy felt; Peter would be even worse at the job than Remus was, and that was saying something.

'Yeah, Remus, you'll have to behave from now on,' James wagged his finger at him.

'Please please please,' Peter added, a desperate look in his eyes.

Remus glared at James and patted Peter comfortingly on the back.

'Four weeks of detention Lupin, the most you've ever had, I think,' James commented.

'Yeah, seems a bit harsh,' Julian agreed, and Remus turned in surprise, not having know that he'd followed them. 'Seeing that you punch like a girl and I hardly even felt it!'

'Sod off,' Remus mumbled, suddenly starving-hungry and desperate to be alone.

'In a minute, but not until you tell me what is actually going on?' Julian said brightly.

'What d'you care?' James sneered.

'I was just wondering. You lot are so suspicious.'

James snorted. 'Of you we are, yeah.'

'Well if I'm not usually involved, and I think I'd know if I was, what have the rest of your silly fights been about?'

'No seriously,' Sirius asked him, 'why the fuck do you care?'



'Xavier Tryst has got a book open on it.'

'What?' Remus asked, confused.

'Oh, that little fucker, I should have known,' James huffed. 'Though I suppose that means you know the odds on us crushing your band of cripples and idiots on the pitch tomorrow?'

'Oh yes, so you trust his odds on Quidditch matches but not on anything else?' Julian teased.

'Well go on then,' Sirius encouraged him, 'which reason for James and I fighting has the shortest odds?'

'Well it's three-to-one that you're both after that self-important, carrot-topped prefect of yours, or that Black has been shagging her behind Potter's back--'

Julian stepped quickly away as James lunged for him. Sirius gave Remus a very strange look as they found themselves each holding one of James' arms.

'--but it's three-to-two that you're fighting for no good reason whatsoever, just that that's what thick-headed Gryffindor pillocks do when they're bored,' Julian finished in a genial voice, a pleased grin on his face.

'Oh just fuck off Halverston,' Sirius sighed, letting go of James, but standing slightly in front of him just in case.

'I reckon she thinks we've set up some sort of inter-house fight-club,' Peter sighed.

'Don't be stupid Peter,' Sirius scoffed, though Remus privately agreed with Peter.

'But don't you want to know what I've got my money on?' Julian asked them.

Sirius just raised an eyebrow and stepped closer.

Julian smiled at Sirius, cocking one of his own eyebrows to match. '12-1 you cheated on Potter and he's jealous.'

Remus grabbed Sirius around the chest, flinging his arms right around him from behind, and Peter had attempted something similar with James, though Sirius had actually made no attempt to swing for his boyfriend and James just shouted something about the horrific injuries and humiliations Ravenclaw's Quidditch team would be suffering tomorrow as Halverston hastily made off down the corridor, arms swinging jovially as he jogged.

'Remus!' Sirius said.


'Let go of me!' Remus felt himself blush a little as he slowly released Sirius.

'That little cock-sucker,' James hissed, 'we're going to kick his sorry arse into next week tomorrow!'

Remus frowned as he worked this out. 'Yeah, well I won't get to see it.'

James huffed. 'That is such a shit punishment.'


'Still, worth it though! You got to punch Halverston right in the smacker! I bet it felt fantastic! Did you do it hard? Was it a jab, or more of a swing?' James demonstrated energetically with his own fist and Peter as a wary and rather unwilling dummy.

'I don't know, he was just... I just hit him.'

'Yeah,' agreed Sirius giving him a strange look, 'and why was that again?'

'He was going on about you and James, and he suggested that thing, that he just said, that you two were, you know.'

'What a fucking bastard!' exclaimed James. 'Still there's no need for him to find out he's got it half-right, yeah? Anyway, I have to get to practice.'

They made their way towards Gryffindor Tower and James slung his arm around Remus and leaned to whisper in his ear, 'you know I'm proud of you, right?'

Remus tried to smile, but he could sense the look Sirius was giving him, and wondered what Sirius was going to have to say about all of this once they were alone.


Remus was rather relieved that Sirius hadn't tried to talk to him the day before, and had almost thought he might have got away with it.

He had been enjoying the quiet of the dormitory on Saturday afternoon, despite his disappointment in not being allowed to watch the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match, but when the door swung open he could feel it was Sirius that had entered the room almost immediately.

'We need to talk,' Sirius said calmly, pointedly slamming the dormitory door.

'Do we?'

'Indeed we do.'

Remus found he'd got to his feet automatically due to Sirius' rather sharp tone of voice. 'Shouldn't you be watching the match?'

'James'll understand. You and I need to have a little talk.'

'What about Julie? Will he understand?'

Sirius just looked at him, his expression sinisterly unreadable.

'So what do we need to talk about?' Remus muttered.

Sirius sneered. 'I'm sorry; did I just imagine that you punched my boyfriend yesterday?'

'He was being a wanker!' Remus exclaimed, 'you and James have punched him loads of times!'

'It is rather different,' Sirius remarked coldly.

'I don't see how.'

'Don't you?' Sirius folded his arms. 'How often do James and I end up punching someone for some reason or other, hm? Once a week maybe. And how many people have you punched, eh? Ever, in your entire life, how many?'

'Um, two.'

'Two? Who was the other-- oh, well, punching me doesn't count.'

'You usually deserve it.'

'Did Julie deserve it?'

'He was being a wanker.'

'In what way?'

'About you and him; being all smug that James didn't know and would be bloody angry about it. And he kept on like if I was so bothered by it I should tell James myself, and I was hardly going to tell him 'oh no I can't, Sirius is blackmailing me', was I?'

'I'm not blackmailing you!'

'Are so.'

'I can't believe you ever have the nerve to call me immature. So you were just arguing about James?'


'So why did he tell McGonagall it was over Quidditch?' Remus thought Sirius looked remarkably McGonagall-like himself. He'd got a congratulatory pat on the back from James for his efforts at undermining the Ravenclaw, what were the chances that Sirius would be the one telling him off?

'He was hardly going to tell her the truth! You wouldn't have liked that!'

'The look on her face might've been amusing,' Sirius smirked.

'You don't even like him anyway,' Remus muttered sulkily.

Sirius gave him a long hard look that he could feel, despite the fact that he didn't want to meet his friend's eyes. 'You're right; I don't like him. He's a complete idiot, he loves himself, and he hates James. He's an utter, utter plonker.'

Remus smiled a little at the word 'plonker', though he was still annoyed.

Sirius stepped a bit closer. 'Look-- god, Remus; you have to stop doing things like this.'

'Things like what?'

'Like this! You can't go round punching people like James does, and you most certainly can't hit my boyfriend.'

'He's a wanker!'

'No he fucking isn't! He's got me to do that for him! Look, please Moony, you have to stop behaving like this, it isn't fair on me.'


'Moony--' Sirius suddenly had a very serious look in his eyes. 'You can't keep behaving like this: it makes me think I've got a chance.'

'A chance with what?'

'Well I'm seeing Julie, but you're the one behaving like a jealous boyfriend.'

'I-- I am not.'

'Well maybe not, but you can see why it looks that way to me, yeah?'

'You know; I fucking can't.'

'Well if you're going to be like that,' Sirius snapped, advancing ominously. 'So why are you behaving like a jealous four year-old then?'

Remus found that Sirius had backed him into a corner, though not literally because the dormitory had no corners, but he did find he was standing very close to one of the curved walls.

Sirius placed his hands against the wall, either side of Remus' head. 'Hm?'

'I'm behaving perfectly normally,' he replied crossly, squirming uncomfortably and folding his arms.

Sirius sighed. 'Look, this is it now; this is how things are, whether you like it or not, because this is the way things have to be.'

'James got to you finally, has he?' It was surprising how difficult it was to think straight and hold a normal conversation when someone was invading your personal space so thoroughly, and Remus flattened himself against the wall.

'Grow up! It isn't us versus James, this is just... it, you know? I can't touch you, and you can't get jealous for no reason. Because we're mates. Mates. Fuck, I hate James; he's far too sensible for his own good.'

Remus knew he should make some smart remark about James' general lack of sense, but then he knew just how much common sense James had when he actually used it, so it seemed a bit unfair. And then he was rather distracted by the cold, empty feeling that tightened in his stomach.

'But you have Julie now, so it doesn't matter what we do now, does it?'

'For fuck's sake Remus, I hate the bloke!' Sirius leaned nearer to spit his words viciously close to Remus' cheek. 'He's a pathetic, egotistical, annoying, whining little bastard! He's pretty and he's male and he makes you go all silly and jealous...' he sighed deeply, 'that's all.'

Remus winced at Sirius' last sentence and shrank closer to the wall.

Sirius Black truly was his favourite person in the whole world, and it was painful to see those grey eyes -normally crinkled wickedly at the corners-- fixed so seriously on him, all wide and unhappy. Sirius was breathing quickly now, heavy pants of air forcing their way out of his lungs as he stared sadly into Remus' eyes.

And their faces were far too close...

Remus pushed off the wall a little and kissed him, leaned in and pressed their lips together before he even knew what he was doing and why he was doing it. Sirius made a strange little surprised squeaking noise before jerking his body quickly and pushing Remus hard against the wall, their bodies forced tightly together.

It was another very vicious kiss, quite like the one he'd received from James on that dreadful night; Sirius biting at him until Remus opened his mouth and let him slide his tongue between his lips. Sirius' hands held him firmly in place by the shoulders and he could do nothing but stand there and let his friend kiss him. Remus wriggled a little, trying to escape without causing too much trouble -because he had started this after all-- but Sirius pushed at him harder and slid a hand up to cup his cheek, elbow against Remus' chest holding him still.

Remus didn't know what to do, didn't know why his body had decided this was a good idea without consulting his brain first, though it had cut short that long moment of awkward silence between them, and ended the horrible coldness in his belly. Oh god, he had to stop this; it just felt so strange and too easy all at once. He wiggled a bit more, a little grunt of effort escaping between his lips, and Sirius finally pulled away ever-so-slightly, nuzzling his face against the side of Remus' cheek

'Oh fuck. Fuck, Remus, I'm sorry, sorry--' Sirius' whole body seemed to sag, and he turned slightly to slump weakly against the wall, turning his face away and letting his forehead rest against the stone by Remus' left ear.

Remus opened his mouth, surprised to find his voice came out all hoarse. 'No, I'm so sorry, my fault, I shouldn't-- shouldn't have--'

'Okay, s'okay.' Sirius slid down the wall, his whole body crumpling at Remus' feet.

Remus crouched down to look at him.

'Moony, I-- I can't do this.'

'No, that was my fault, I didn't mean to--' Remus stopped talking because Sirius looked just so awful that he didn't know what would be the right thing to say, and there was almost nothing on earth that Remus hated more than seeing Sirius so unhappy, looking up at him with pathetically mournful grey eyes.

Remus sat down carefully next to him, resting the side of his own head against the wall so it was level with Sirius'. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered, and, not knowing what else to do, reached out for his friend, sliding his hands around his waist and pulling him close. Sirius whimpered a little before snuggling in like he often did in his sleep. Remus sighed with pleasure at the warm smooth feeling he always got inside when he finally had a chance to touch Sirius after a long time apart.

'Oh Moony, I can't do this--'

'It's okay, it's okay,' Remus murmured, reaching a hand up to stroke through Sirius' hair as if he were petting Padfoot. He hurt inside because Sirius was hurt, really he did, but he couldn't help but feel incredibly happy too because he had Sirius curled around him, all warm and nestled-in. If Sirius was in any sort of normal mood he'd laugh at you being a girly idiot and liking hugs, Remus told himself sternly.

Sirius had burrowed his face into Remus' neck again. 'It's just-- you just smell so good.

Remus sniggered, but gently. 'I always smell like this.'

'I know,' Sirius sighed. 'I'm not normally like this, am I, with people?' he mumbled, hot breath against Remus' throat. 'It's never been this way before.'

Remus ached a bit more in his chest, reminded of James' theory on all of this which he clearly should have paid a lot more attention to at the time. 'Because we're mates,' he said regretfully.

'Yeah. I like you, and I can talk to you and stuff. Not like with stupid girls.' Sirius' hands were moving now, slipping up Remus' sides and over his back.

'I'm so sorry.'

'It's so horrible.'

'No it isn't, I don't mind.'

'No, it feels horrible. Oh, this is all just so stupid.' Sirius banged his head back against the wall in frustration.

'We could just give up and beat the shit out of each other?' Remus asked hopefully.

'You really don't want to know what would happen if I tried wrestling with you, Moony.'

Remus sighed, a hot, tight feeling burning into his chest.

'I've just never fancied someone this much before. In fact, I don't know how I managed to control myself for so long, just--' Sirius' hand was on the nape of his neck now and he clawed his fingers in, gripping hard.

'How long?' Remus asked kindly, but hearing a slight wobble in his own voice.

'I really don't know.'

Sirius moved away, dropping his hand, and looked up at Remus with those longing grey eyes again. And it was quite disturbing in a way, but at the same time just so painful and he yearned to be able to make it all better. He slid his thumb down from Sirius' hair to stroke the skin beneath his earlobe, remembering how soft and wonderful it felt to touch Ellie there.

And Sirius leaned in and kissed him again.

It was just gentle this time, Sirius' lips just grazing the corner of his own. 'Oh, why do you let me?' Sirius asked plaintively.

'I don't--'

'You have to stop letting me; makes it worse,' Sirius explained, pushing another kiss to his bottom lip.

'I don't mean to.'

'You have to choose, you know, before I go completely mad.' Sirius ducked his head and began to kiss Remus' neck in that way again, lips brushing over his skin before his mouth opened to deliver one of those delicious sucking-bites.

'No, no, oh--' Remus closed his eyes, trying to work up the nerve, or rather the inclination, to stop him.

'You see,' Sirius told him, 'we could let things be the way they were before; Sunday afternoons and sleeping together in your bed, but we'd have to do this more too.'

'Mm--' Remus whimpered, knowing perfectly well that everything had gone mad and he should really stop this right away, but Sirius was nibbling now, and licking.

'And,' Sirius removed his lips and Remus found he'd made a little disgruntled moan as he did so, 'we'd have to do more of this too...' and Sirius was now kissing his lips again, soft and warm and wrong and perfect all at once.

And he had to admit that it felt good. It was different from that drunken evening; his head was swirling a lot less, and it was a lot more embarrassing. 'Am I doing this right?' he asked.

'Yes,' Sirius told him irritably, and kissed him again.

Sirius' hands were in his hair and there was a knee digging awkwardly into his thigh, but it didn't matter that much because Sirius was kissing his way down to his neck again--

'Oh, you like that...' Sirius whispered.

'Yes-- oh.' Fucking hell, Remus thought. He was quite sure that every hair on his body was standing on end.

'But you have to like me doing it.'

'I do,' he confessed, unashamed for once.

'But it has to be me you like doing it, you see,' Sirius sighed, nudging Remus' head back and trailing his kisses along the underside of his jaw, down his throat, over his adam's apple and down to his collar-bone.

'I do.'

'No, me, Moony.' Remus' chin was firmly pulled down and then he was staring into Sirius' eyes again.

'I-- I do, I think. I don't know... I can't be gay, or anything.'

'You don't have to decide what to be, you could just be a bit of both.'

'Like you?'

'Well. No. Maybe... not so much like me.'

Remus frowned. 'But you said--'

Sirius looked away rather suddenly. 'I think I was-- just kidding myself.'

'Oh.' And Remus didn't know what to say to that. 'But you liked girls before; I mean, you've had loads of girls.'

Sirius smiled, but it was a rather cold smile and a little sad. 'I think. I think maybe I always liked you a bit too much, Moony.'

Remus turned away too, placing his back firmly against the cold stone wall and trying to digest that information. 'Oh.'


'Why didn't you say something? Before?'

'Why do you think? You would have thought I was-- weird, and disgusting. You probably still do.'

'But it is weird. It's me; why me?'

'Well I don't fucking know!'

Remus folded his arms and closed his eyes. 'Why would anyone fancy me?' he asked, keeping his voice calm and even to try and ease Sirius' sudden flash of temper.

'Why the hell not? If girls can fancy you I don't see why I can't.'

'I just don't--'

'Is this actually about your self esteem?'

'Piss off!'

'Is it? Because you're-- I mean, you are really-- Oh fuck, Remus, I want you so much.'

Remus stared blankly across the room and realised that what he wanted to say next was 'but Julian's so much better-looking than me, and he's cleverer', and felt really strange. He'd never actually thought of himself as having low self-esteem, but he supposed that being a werewolf, and a funny-looking one at that, had had it's effect on his personality.

'Moony? Look, there was this one time; you were in the Hospital wing after the full moon, you'd scratched your own eye and had a patch over it, and you were all cut-up and you had your shirt off because you had to keep re-applying these potions to your chest--' Remus couldn't look at Sirius and he stared into the distance in dumb horror. 'And I just couldn't stop touching you and I spent most of the day in there bothering you and begging you to let me put your potion on for you--'

'That was in third year.'

'I know, but--'

'Third year and you never said?'

'It wasn't like that, I-- I didn't know what it was, and I did forget for ages.'


'You know, Moony, you are great, I mean, you're really, really, y' know...'

'You're supposed to be my mate,' Remus whispered, looking down at his own fingernails.

'I am, honestly I am, but I just really, really want to shag you as well.'

Remus turned to stare at Sirius in sheer shock. 'You want to shag me? Fucking hell!'

'Sorry. You were just-- never like James, you know. Hell, I'm so fucked up. I just fuck everything up.' Sirius had placed his left hand over his eyes.

'Don't we all?' Remus sighed, thinking of all the ways he'd fucked this up himself.

'Yeah. S'pose so, sorry.'

'S'okay. Never thought we'd actually ever end up talking about this.'

'We have talked about this before.'

'Not like this, not like girls would.'

'This'd be easier if we were girls,' Sirius pointed out, 'all that gossiping and talking about feelings and running around together in their knickers.'

Remus smiled, because teasing was easy. 'Only in your sick fantasies.'

'Well, no, not in my sick fantasies,' Sirius corrected awkwardly.

'Fuck, sorry. Fuck. That's going to take some getting used to.'

'Yeah; I'm gay so no girly fantasies. Oh fuck!' Sirius clenched his fists against his own eyes.


'Never said it aloud before. Fuck, I'm gay.' He was bent forwards, rocking slightly.

'I can't go back to avoiding you Padfoot.' Remus watched his friend, wanting to reach out and hug him again and make it all better somehow.

'Don't want you to, but, but if we act all like we used to, then... well I'm going to keep jumping on you.'

'S'pose we could try and-- we could try it. But I'd probably fuck things up.' Remus sighed again.

'Try what?'

'Y'know, this--' Remus turned and kissed Sirius, though it felt weird until Sirius opened his mouth against his and slid his tongue in. 'Am I really doing it right?' Remus asked, their faces so close and eyes locked together.

'Yes,' Sirius smiled, before swiping his tongue back between Remus' lips. 'Mmm, that horrible Slytherin bint was useful for something.'

'She's actually very nice--' he began, but was cut off by another kiss.

'Maybe, but I hate her because she had you for a bit, and then --mmm-- she went and chose Snape over you, so she's obviously an idiot.'

His friend's tongue trailed along his bottom lip. 'Well you'd have to dump Julian,' Remus found himself saying, but it didn't even come as a shock to him really, that he was jealous of the poncy Ravenclaw bastard. Jealous of his being allowed to touch Sirius whenever he wanted.

'Oh, I'd forgotten about him. Of course I will.'

Remus sighed with relief, but Sirius was kissing along his jaw now, and did seem to have entirely forgotten about anything else. And obviously the only reason you're delighted about that is because you don't like Julian, his nasty internal voice piped up. 'Good,' he sighed, holding the back of Sirius' head to push those lips harder against his skin. 'But you can't tell him why.'

'I'll tell him it's because he's an arse,' Sirius mumbled, concentrating on his kisses, 'and that's true enough.'

'And you can't tell James.'

'Are you really serious?' Sirius pulled away suddenly and sat up straight, the look on his face rather surprised yet dazed.

'Well I'd rather you didn't; he'd be all weird and interfering.' Remus frowned.

'No, you seriously want to-- do this. With me.' Sirius' eyes flickered a little, and Remus' chest tightened as he realised that his friend was actually nervous.

'I want you sleeping in my bed again,' he admitted.

'Yes, but... do you want to do more of this?' Sirius grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and kissed him hard, his mouth all wet and hot.

'...yes,' Remus mumbled against Sirius' lips as the coherent, slightly-saner part of his brain screamed in protest.


Author notes: Right. The next chapter should be the last one, and should resolve everything and tie up all loose ends, heh.