The Dating Disasters of Sirius Black

Part 6: Julie Halverston and Something New

Late March, Friday afternoon, Gryffindor common room.

Remus was going over his revision notes for History of Magic with Lily when Sirius walked in. With a black eye. With a black eye and a really smug look on his face.

Oh bugger, thought Remus.

He quickly excused himself to Lily, then grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged him up to their empty dormitory.

'What?' Sirius asked innocently.

'I don't know, for some reason that smug look you get always makes me suspicious. It always means either you just shagged someone or you punched someone, and judging by that shiner you have it isn't the former.'

'You never know-'

'Shut up! What did you do? Was it Snape?'

'I got detention.' Sirius smiled magnificently.

'Oh?'

'Yes,' he'd begun preening himself in the mirror. 'This black eye is very fetching on me, isn't it? Very rugged and manly.' Remus watched as Sirius rearranged his glossy, and very un-manly, thick black hair around his face. 'I can see how I'm irresistible.'

'You didn't explain the black eye yet.'

'Didn't I?' he tossed his hair back arrogantly.

'Sirius.'

'Oh alright, if you're dying to know.' He threw himself onto Remus' bed. Remus didn't join him and certainly didn't lose his suspicious expression. 'And stop looking at me like that.'

'Like what?'

'You know, that way you do. So, I was walking down the corridor, innocently minding my own business -don't interrupt--when who should I meet but old Julie-'

'Oh Sirius, not again.'

'Exactly!' Sirius pointed an emphatic finger at Remus' face. 'That's exactly what I thought! Not again. At least once a week it is. Dreadful. So we're trading insults, as per usual, you know, I'm saying how shit the Ravenclaw Quidditch team are in as many different ways as possible, and I was thinking how boring-'

'Why don't you ever get bored having the same argument with Snape every day?'

'That's different.'

'I don't see-'

'Shut up; my story. So I was thinking about how boring this argument was and how totally pointless it was, I was thinking maybe I should just write down all the relevant points and have him read them over every so often, when I realised.'

'Realised what?' Remus groaned.

'Well it's silly, isn't it? I mean; why me? Why does he hate me so much?'

'Because you're James' best friend.'

'Yes, exactly. No! Wait, that wasn't the point. Why does he always pick fights with me when I'm not even on the Quidditch team? Obviously he hates James because James flies better than him, but why does he pick more fights with me than he does with James?'

'Because you antagonise him more?'

'Yes! No, wait, yes! I antagonise him.'

'I can't see what is so revelatory about that; you antagonise everyone.'

'True, but why is Julie so bothered about it?'

'Because you call him Julie?'

'It's his name!'

'His name is Julian.'

'Which Julie is short for. It's a friendly nickname. Don't you want to know why he hates me so much?'

Remus was tempted to make another bad joke, but decided it would be best to get it over with. 'Why does poor Julian Halverston hate you so much?'

'Because he fancies me!' Sirius crowed triumphantly.

Remus covered his eyes with his hand and sighed deeply. 'Sirius, look, I know your ego is sometimes a bit,' he made a vague inflating sort of gesture with his hands, 'but isn't that a bit much? I hope to god you didn't tell him that.'

'Course I didn't.'

Remus peered at the deep bruise curled around his friend's eye. 'What did you do?'

'I kissed him!'

Remus put his hand back over his eyes. 'And that's why he punched you in the face.'

'And that's why he punched me in the face,' conceded Sirius.

'But you still think he fancies you? Though I should congratulate you; I can't remember the last time you were involved in a fight in which you didn't throw the first punch.'

'Thanks, anyway I hadn't finished telling the story.'

'I can guess the rest: you punch him back, he punches you back, McGonagall turns up just as you're sitting on his stomach with your hands around his throat.'

'Not quite.' There was a disturbing glint in Sirius' eye.

'What?'

'I punched him back, then... he kissed me.'

'What?'

'I know. Julie fancies me. I knew it.'

Remus sat down on the end of the bed. 'Fucking hell.'

'Ahhh, it was all worth it just to hear you swear.'

'So how did you get detention?'

'Well. I realised we couldn't just do this kissing thing in the corridor where anybody could see, so I dragged him into the nearest cupboard. Luckily when McGonagall caught us she thought we were beating each other up so she gave us detention for that. But I suppose the punishment would have been the same whatever she thought we were doing.'

After a short pause Remus thought he should stop gawping at his friend and say something. 'How... how can you mistake kissing and fighting?'

'Well that's the great thing about kissing a bloke; it's like doing both at once. After all, I do think Julie is an awful prick sometimes, especially the way he goes on at James, so I still did want to hurt him. It's like...' Sirius was looking very intense and thoughtful. 'It's like with a bloke you don't have to kiss all gently like you do with girls, you can just let go and maul them, which is what you want to do when you're really excited anyway. So we were fighting a bit really. I definitely gave him a good scratching and biting. Ah! And look at these!' Sirius pulled down the neck of his robes to proudly reveal some nasty looking love-bites.

'Nice,' Remus commented, not knowing what was really expected of him.

'Yeah. You should definitely try it.'

'Try what?' Remus asked in horror. 'Kissing Julian Halverston?'

'No, kissing boys. Fantastic!'

Remus really didn't know what to say.

#

'Psst!'

Remus jerked awake. Something was on his bed.

'Psst! Mooooooony. Oh, Mooooooooooooooonnnyyyyyy.'

'For god's sake, what?' he snapped crabbily.

'Wake up, I want to ask you something.'

Remus rolled over and checked his clock, squinting in the darkness. 'At half-past two?'

'I had to wait until Antler-boy was asleep.'

'I'm quite sure he's been snoring happily for at least two hours.'

'I had to be sure.'

Remus rolled onto his back. 'Well go on then.'

Sirius leaned closer and whispered in his ear. 'Do you think he'll be really angry with me?'

'Why?'

'You know why; the Julie thing.'

'Oh. Well yeah, I do.'

'I knew it. He's going to hate me isn't he?'

'He won't hate you, but he's going to be angry. You said yourself how horrible that bastard is to James.'

'I know, but, well, do you think he'll be angry because I kissed a boy?' Sirius whispered really quietly.

'Oh. Er, I wouldn't have thought... I think he'll hate it more that it was Halverston to be honest. I can't imagine that James would be really homophobic or anything. Everyone uses gay insults but they don't... they don't always mean them. And James' family are all-'

'Wishy-washy liberals?'

'Better than your lot.'

'Don't I know it.'

'So I don't think you need to worry about that. Just don't tell him that it was Halverston you kissed.'

'Right.'

'Are you going to tell him?' Remus asked cautiously. He turned to look at his friend, trying to read the expression on his heavily shadowed face.

'I don't know. He'll still think it's a bit weird, won't he?'

'He might.' Remus realised that this was actually a serious discussion, and that he should have been offering genuine support and advice, even if Sirius would never admit that was what he needed. The problem was that he didn't have a clue what on earth had possessed his friend to do such a thing in the first place. 'Do you actually fancy boys? I mean, why did you kiss Halverston? Was it just... just because you could, because you liked the fact that he fancied you? Or did you actually like it?'

'I... I don't know. Obviously I've never thought about the bloke like that before.'

'But did you like it that he was male, did you think he was handsome?'

'Julie's more pretty than handsome.'

'Yeah. But... I don't know, do you think he has a nice body?'

'Well, I suppose he does. It did feel nice wrestling with him. He is good looking, when he isn't being a prick. And he was definitely enjoying it. You know, really enjoying it.'

'Okay, too much information.' Remus tried not to let that disturbing thought worm its way too far into his brain. 'How many times do I have to tell you?'

'Sorry.'

'Er... so, were you really enjoying it?' Remus obviously didn't want to be asking this question, but if he didn't then he couldn't possibly work out what Sirius' motivation had been.

'...I suppose I was.' Sirius had turned away from him. 'Do you think... Do you think I'm a pervert?'

'Yes Sirius, I think you are one of the most disgusting perverts I've ever met,' he said, turning away too.

'Oh.'

'But not because you liked kissing a bloke.'

'Oh.' Sirius turned back over and grabbed a hold of him awkwardly. Remus could feel him smiling against his cheek. 'So you don't mind?'

'Of course not. And I doubt James will either, though I think you should find someone different before you tell him. You may as well have kissed Snape.'

'Oh dear sweet Merlin, are you trying to kill me?'

'Hey, we already established that if Snape fancies any of us then it's James.'

'Yeah.'

'Look; none of us will mind whether you go out with boys or girls or both or both at once, we'd just prefer it if you went out with someone nice. It appears your taste in men is just as bad as your taste in women. If you dated someone we all liked, then it wouldn't be a problem. If you found yourself a bloke that James got on with he'd probably be pleased; he and I both hate most of the girls you go out with.'

'Yeah. Thanks Remus.'

'What for?' He turned his head in surprise. Sirius was looking very happy.

'For being great about all this.' Sirius threw his arms around him and snuggled in again.

'I could hardly be anything else, for fuck's sake, that'd be a bit hypocritical; a homophobic werewolf. That is why you told me?'

'Er, no. Actually I didn't think about that. I just always tell you these things, and you always listen. And you give good advice, but you aren't stupidly over-moral.'

'I know I complain and stuff, but you know I don't mind you telling me things like this?'

'I know.'

'So do you think you're gay, or bisexual or what? Or are you just bored with all the girls at school and want to give yourself more options?'

'Are you calling me a slut?'

'Is there anyone that wouldn't?'

'I think maybe bisexual.'

'Oh. You've thought about this before?'

'Maybe... just a bit.'

'Right. So are you happy? Can I sleep now?'

'I suppose so.'

#

Remus woke to find Sirius was still wrapped around him.

Thinking back over the previous night's conversation Remus was relieved that Sirius had chosen to start it at two-thirty am when Remus had been half asleep. If he had been thinking straight or had had the chance to worry about the conversation in advance he might well have buggered it up completely. But he hadn't. He and Sirius had had a serious talk about sexuality, and they were still friends and he hadn't buggered it up. He'd actually made his friend happier and more comfortable with it. He was very glad about that because they had always made him feel happier and more comfortable being a werewolf. Admittedly the first thing Sirius had said when he'd found out that Remus was a werewolf had been 'brilliant!', but, after they'd worked through all the reasons why it wasn't brilliant at all, he'd still been pretty happy.

Next to him Sirius mumbled a bit and snuggled closer. For some reason Sirius always wanted to have his face pressed into Remus' neck. Bloody vampire, thought Remus, as he struggled to sit up without waking his friend.

He realised this was the thing they'd avoided talking about, possibly the reason why Sirius had been so worried that he'd reject him. There are two main reasons that teenage boys are homophobic, Remus thought; one, they think they have to be in case anyone gets the wrong idea; and two, they're scared that their mates are going to look at them. Remus realised it wouldn't be totally out of character for James to overreact and think Sirius fancied him, though he'd probably accept it all in the end.

Remus supposed that being a werewolf had made him more tolerant, because most teenage boys wouldn't be happy sleeping in a bed with a friend who'd just admitted he was probably bisexual.

'Remus!' yelled James, 'you awake?'

'Yes.'

'Can I borrow your shampoo?' Remus wondered if he'd woken up in an alternate universe. He stuck his head through the bed-curtains.

'Why?' he asked suspiciously, 'I thought it made your hair all fluffy like a puffskein?'

'I thought Evans might like it that way, she might come and watch practice today.'

Remus didn't bother to voice his view that Lily wouldn't be able to see James' hair when he was thirty feet up. 'If you want,' he sighed, shutting the curtain and wondering if he'd be able to get back to sleep for a bit; it was Saturday.

'Hey where's doggy-paws got to?'

'He's in here.'

'Really? You shagging again?'

Any other time Remus would have joked about it, suggested that they had been shagging until James interrupted them, but it felt wrong now. 'Nah, he just woke me up at half-two to ask me something then promptly fell asleep.'

'Bastard.'

'Yeah. Don't take too long in the shower.'

'Hey, I have to make myself all pretty for Evans, don't want to disappoint her.'

Remus didn't bother telling him that he'd be disappointing her simply by still being alive.

'Morning, Moony,' Sirius yawned sleepily, 'what was all that?'

Remus realised how important it was that he still acted the same around Sirius. 'Oh James thought we'd been shagging, but I had to confess how disappointed I was when you fell asleep on me.'

'I'm awake now! All ready to give you a good seeing to!' Sirius jumped on top of him and grabbed him with a hug that Remus knew was his way of saying thank you.

'Argh!'

'Shut up, you bastards; it's Saturday!'

'And you expect us to be quiet Petey? You're just jealous because I have a date tonight!'

'In detention, with McGonagall,' Peter reminded him.

'Yes! It'll be brilliant!' He jumped off the bed and bounced across the room to bother Peter.

Remus reflected that it didn't really matter what anyone was, so long as they were happy.

#

Sirius was completely hyperactive at breakfast and it seemed set to continue for most of the day. Remus didn't mind it so much anymore; now they were growing up Sirius often preferred to be haughty and superior, so it was rather charming when he was childish and silly.

After breakfast Remus went to watch the Gryffindor Quidditch practice with Lily, though they paid more attention to their revision notes than they did to the flying.

'We really shouldn't be here; Potter is flying like a maniac on purpose.'

'Yes, sorry about that. You know Lily, he really tries.'

'Does he?'

'Yes. He even borrowed my shampoo this morning.'

'You should tell him to get his own.'

Remus sighed. 'Actually I quite like them borrowing my shampoo; it means I never have to worry that one day I'll get out of the shower and find my hair has gone blue.'

'Or red,' she noted.

'Ah. Yes. He really did deserve that. One day I'll tell you exactly why. He did something horrible to Sirius. Scarred him for life.'

'Ha! Like he wasn't warped from birth.'

'Anyway...'

'How's it going?' yelped Sirius, running up the stands.

'Speak of the devil.'

'You two look nice and cosy,' Sirius pointed out disapprovingly.

'We're trying to revise. In peace,' Lily told him.

'Admiring the view are you?' Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

'No.'

'And don't you think James' hair looks extra fantastic today?'

'No.'

'Actually I noticed you spent a lot of time on your hair today as well.' Remus gave Sirius a sly look.

'Indeed I did. Preparing for my date with the lovely Minerva tonight.'

'What?' asked Lily.

'Detention,' Remus said.

'Oh. Who did you punch?'

'And here he is, right on cue.'

Julian Halverston appeared, looking rather shifty and nervous, and sporting a similar bruise to Sirius'.

'Julie! We were just talking about you!' Julian stared at Sirius disbelievingly.

'Were you, Black?'

'Oh yes.'

Remus had to admit that Julian Halverston was good-looking; long straight nose, neat pink lips and scruffy-curly blond hair.

'Spying on Gryffindor's practice were you?' Lily asked him tersely.

'What're you going to do about it?' Julian snapped back at her.

'Oh who cares?' Sirius commented carelessly, 'so long as you don't tire yourself out for our date this evening.' He gave the boy a sharp poke in the side. Julian's eyebrows met his hair-line and he started to blush.

Remus felt it imperative that he change the subject. 'I think it would be best if you buggered off, Halverston, you seem to be putting James off.'

'Oh, no,' he retorted with plenty of sarcasm.

'Do you reckon he'll fall off if you sit next to me?' Lily asked the blond boy wickedly.

'Worth a shot.' He barged Remus out of the way. Remus gave Sirius a look which he hoped would amply convey the sentiment 'see how much James hates Julian'.

Sirius shrugged. 'Well, best be off. Now Julie, make sure you aren't late this evening; eight o'clock on the dot!' And to the shock of the other three he grabbed Julian's cheeks, kissed him hard on the mouth, and waltzed off down the stand.

'Do try not to punch him again this evening,' Lily told Julian.

Remus tried not to laugh.

#

Sirius had got back from his detention very late the night before and, now that Sunday afternoon had come round, Remus was worried that he was in for some nasty graphic descriptions of what a good time had been had by all.

'Ah, Remus,' Sirius sighed as he swooped into the dormitory. Remus glared up at him. 'What? You said yourself how much you love to hear my titillating tales.'

'What I meant was that any time you had a problem you could always talk to me.'

'I do have a problem.'

'Oh?'

'Yes.' Sirius perched on the arm of the battered old armchair that Remus was sitting in, and leaned down to whisper confidentially in his ear. 'The problem is; I got such a good blow-job last night, I don't know how I'm going to bear to go back to dating boring girls.'

'Sirius!' He shoved his friend off.

Sirius laughed, but managed to stagger to his feet. 'Oh come on; you love it.'

'I really don't,' Remus told him wearily.

'You do! Oh Merlin, Julie definitely knows what he's doing with boys.'

'Oh god.'

'He has a boyfriend back home, couple of years older, but apparently they're allowed to cheat on each other while he's at school, so it's okay.'

'Good?'

'Well yeah, don't want the bloke beating me up.'

'And I thought you liked that sort of thing. So what happened with the actual detention?'

'Oh, you know, McGonagall had us marking the first-years' homework for three hours. Come on, Moony, it was after the detention that things got interesting. He was really mad that I kissed him this morning and he asked why I did it, and I told him it was good for a laugh, and he started suggesting that all that carry on yesterday was just for a laugh. I pointed out that I would hardly neck on with someone for half an hour just for a laugh. I thought he was just worried that I was going to tell the whole school he was a bender, so I told him I wouldn't if he didn't want me to and he asked if I was worried he'd tell everyone about me kissing him-'

'Were you?'

'Nah, not really, though James'd kill me. And I told him it wasn't like I was gay or anything, and he said he'd hardly thought that, seeing that I'd shagged half the school-'

'Mm.' Remus tried not to pass judgement on such things; in truth Sirius had probably only had sex with a handful of girls, if that.

'So I told him about the bisexual thing, and he made the same joke you did about me being such a filthy harlot that I wanted to have everyone.'

'Would you be bothered if he told the whole school you were bisexual?'

'Nah. I figure there might be a few girls who'd steer clear of me, but all the boys that I got instead'd make up for it. I asked him if he'd had a boyfriend before and he said he had one now, thank you very much, and I said I wouldn't tell him if he didn't, and he said he was allowed to anyway so it didn't matter. So I said 'that's useful' and pulled him into that secret room behind the painting of Unglebertha the Untidy, and we got it on.'

'Nice.'

'I mean we didn't actually get it on, and I wasn't going to give him a blow-job or anything, because that's all a bit disgusting, but I did help him out anyway, and it's no big deal; just like doing it yourself really. Same body parts involved, just attached to someone else.'

'How many times do I have to tell you too much information?'

'How many times do I have to tell you this is the nearest you'll get to a sex-life this decade so you should be grateful, huh Moony?'

'Shut up.'

'And there's no need to have actual sex, because he kisses like a demon; it's practically the same thing! I couldn't get his clothes off quick enough!'

Remus was trying to hold his hands over his eyes while his thumbs were pushed in his ears. It was difficult, but ultimately worth it.

'Stop that!' Sirius slapped at his arms. 'And you were right; he does have an incredible body, not as good as mine of course, but good enough. And the things he does with his mouth!'

'James!' yelped Remus in distress, 'you're supposed to tell these sorts of bits to James!'

'I know, but I can't, can I? He'll have to get his aural porn somewhere else this week. And speaking of oral porn-'

'Stop it!' Sirius looked rather startled. 'Please, this makes me really uncomfortable.' Remus was pretty sure he wasn't at all homophobic, yet he did find that this made him more uncomfortable than Sirius' tales about girls.

Sirius watched him for a long time. 'Because you think I'm disgusting,' he said eventually.

'Yes! No, not like that, just... you shouldn't tell me these things. It embarrasses me.'

'I love embarrassing you!'

'But I don't like being embarrassed.'

'You have to think about these things sometime, though; sex is a fact of life. You'll want to do it with someone one day.'

'I admit that!' Remus said, his voice rising. He could feel himself beginning to lose it. 'I just can't imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me, and I really don't want all the disturbing details about people you have sex with.' He hadn't meant to admit anything so personal, but he found he never could control what came out of his mouth when he was wound up.

'Sorry. I don't want to send you completely round the bend or anything. No pun intended.'

'That was terrible.'

'I know.' Sirius sat down at Remus' feet and rested his cheek on his friend's knee. 'Is there anyone you like at the moment?'

'Not really. And if there was it would be a while before I'd be ready to do things like that with them. It wouldn't be fair, would it? Not telling them what I was.' This was something else personal that he never really admitted, though it was something his friends probably knew without asking.

'That's why you have to find someone really nice, someone we all like and approve of,' Sirius told him matter-of-factly.

'I can't see that happening anytime soon.' He found he was gently stroking Sirius' hair.

'It will.'

'I hope so.' Remus sighed, suddenly feeling horribly vulnerable. Meaningful heart-to-hearts were hardly typical of their friendship and it was deeply disconcerting to find himself in the middle of one. He realised he would have preferred to listen to more of Sirius' sexual exploits.

'Want some Shakespeare to cheer you up?'

'No, m'okay. You know you've got a lot more doggy since you became an Animagi,' he added in a desperate change of subject.

'In what way?'

'Sirius, you have your head in my lap and you're letting me stroke you.'

He turned his head a little and looked up at Remus, smiling in a strange wistful sort of way. 'True. But at least I haven't licked you or tried to sniff your crotch.'

'I am indeed very grateful. And you do keep sitting on people.'

'Everyone likes sitting on Snape's head while James kicks him in the knackers.'

'Er... maybe. And you sleep more curled up.'

'Do I?'

'Yeah, you snuggle in like a dog protecting its master. It's terribly cute.'

'Cute?' Sirius exclaimed, momentarily horrified that anyone could ever think he was cute. 'And, oy! You are not my master!'

'And don't I know it!'

'You love me really, you big girl,' he insisted, hugging Remus tightly around his legs.

'Mmm,' he mumbled.

'And you'll miss my licentious tales of debauchery when I'm gone.'

'Indeed I will. I'll also miss waking up to find a dirty great black dog humping my leg.'

'I don't do that. Though I have wondered if it is possible to transform in your sleep. If that ever happens do wake me up to tell me.'

'How do you wake a dog up? Do you shout 'Fido, walkies'?'

'I thought we'd agreed to nip the whole Fido thing in the bud. Along with Fluffy and Snuffles and dog-breath and all that.'

'I don't remember agreeing. Anyway we'd better hope it's not possible to transform in your sleep, if only for the sake of James' bed-curtains.'

'True.'

'I wish I could transform in my sleep.'

'Are you two shagging again?' Peter asked as he came through the door, noticing their compromising position.

Remus thought the poor boy must have regretted it, finding himself, half a second later, being thoroughly and disgustingly licked all over the face by a dirty great black dog that was sitting on his chest.

Remus returned to his revision with a smile.