"I Thought Movies Were Pretend..."

One hot, sticky summer day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all hanging out at Hermione's house drinking icy cold lemonade. They were just kicking back, talking about what they could do to pass the time when Hermione had an idea.

"I think we should go to the movies!" she exclaimed suddenly. "My mom and dad always took me when I was a kid, before I had any magic, and it was fun!" she said.

"Yeah! That sounds like a good idea!" said Harry.

"Wow! That would be so cool! I've only heard about going to the movies," said Ron excitedly. "Do the monsters really come out and eat you if you are talking?"

Hermione and Harry, who had been to the movies before (being Muggle-raised) exchanged puzzled glances.

"Well, Fred and George told me that--"

"That explains it," said Hermione, rolling her eyes at Ron's mention of the twins. "No, Ron, if there are monsters in the movie, they can't eat you if you talk. In fact, the story on the screen isn't even really happening!"

"What do you mean by 'on the screen'," asked Ron.

Hermione again rolled her eyes and said, "It'll be easier to explain when we get into the theater. Harry, go get the newspaper. It's on the kitchen table."

Harry walked in, grabbed the 'Entertainment' section of the paper, and brought it out. He began flipping through it, and at last, he found the movie listings. "Hmm, lets see. We could see, umm, the Count of Monte Cristo," said Harry.

"No, it looks like something that Malfoy would see," said Ron, eyeing the ad for the movie. It showed a very rich looking man that had lots of jewelry.

"Hey look, guys! Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is playing!" said Hermione.

Harry read over the article. "Hmmm," he said, scratching his head, "They were a little off last year, completely butchering our uniforms! Wait a second. My eyes aren't blue..."

"I know, lets see Lord of the Rings!" said Hermione upon seeing the ad for it. There was a picture of four midgets, three men, one of whom had pointy ears. "It has that really hot guy in it. You know, the one with the long, blonde, sexy hair?"

"Fine then, we'll go see that." said Ron in an annoyed tone, pulling a strand of his medium length, red, obnoxious hair in front of his eyes to examine its sexiness. "Not all blondes have more fun..." he muttered to himself.

Hermione scowled at him. "You're just jealous!"

"No, I'm not!" said Ron, his ears turning red.

"Stop it, you two!" said Harry loudly, hushing them both. "I hear it has a few good battle scenes with the elves in it, so I think you'd like it, Ron. I guess, then, I'll go too," he said, before quickly adding. "But it's not because of the so called 'hot' guys in it."

After this agreement, the three got a ride to the movie theaters by Hermione's dad.

They walked into the cinema and bought the tickets. While Harry and Hermione were buying something to eat, Ron looked around the place in awe, since the place was quite different than what he had expected (since in school, he was only told about how they used to view movies in the 20s, through nickelodeons or else, in black and white). He scanned the cinema with his mouth-hanging open until Hermione and Harry were done buying their popcorn and candy.

Unfortunately, right as they were walking into the theater, Hermione choked on a piece of popcorn, Ron got knocked out by whacking his head on the door as it swung open, and Harry ran around worrying like an idiot. He tripped over a small child, smashed his head on the floor and was knocked out.

They came around, and they found themselves in a weird and dark room. The reason why it was so weird, they didn't realize until they turned the lights on.

Hermione accidentally kicked Ron in the shins, causing him to swear a string of cuss words at the top of his lungs. Harry, meanwhile, searched around for a light switch.

"Hey, you guys shut up! I think I've found it," said Harry, turning on the light.

"What the HELL?!" said Ron.

They were in a small room that was covered in posters advertising movies, although that's not what freaked out Ron. The figures were climbing out of the posters, and becoming actual-sized. The first ones to pop out were four little short people, and they all had curly hair that looked like Afros.

"Mr. Frodo!!" said some weird looking blonde one. "Where in Hell are we?"

"Sam, I don't know, it's confusing!" said the Frodo character, fingering something that apparently hung by a chain on his chest. "And will you stop calling me Mr. Frodo!"

"Sorry, Mr. Frodo." said Sam.

"Why are we here anyway! I should have never listened to you when you said to grab onto you when you put the stupid ring on!" said another one.

"I want my mid-afternoon snack!!" cried the last one.

"Merry, I don't know where we are or if there is food, just calm down!" said Frodo impatiently.

"Fine. I hate your stupid ring, you know," said the short one called Merry.

But Mr. Frodo wasn't paying attention to him. He was looking directly at Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

"Who are you?" asked Frodo.

Harry was about to say something, but before he could, Hermione burst out and said, "You are from Lord of the Rings, aren't you?! I saw you in the previews!"

"I'm part of the Fellowship, if that is what you mean." said Frodo.

"Really?" she said, now more interested. "That means you know that blonde elf guy. I like him. He's hot! Is he coming?"

"Legolas? I really don't know, he should be. He's a pretty good shot with an arrow if that is what you--" he began.

"I don't care!" said Hermione insanely. "You said he would be here!"

"No I didn't!" said Frodo, bewildered. "Calm yourself!"

At this point, she was holding Frodo by the collar of his shirt and he was begging for mercy. "Calm this!" she screamed, before promptly dropping him upon seeing a pretty good looking blonde guy with long hair and pointy ears flying out of the poster and into the wall. He was armed with a bow and arrow.

"Frodo!" he said while he regained his composure, "how many times have we all told you! Don't put the ring on because it draws attention to you! They are coming to kill you, now!" He then added, "and what are you doing down there!"

"This girl was wondering about you. She was holding me by the scruff of my neck. She's pretty strong for a girl," said Frodo. "She thinks you are, erm, hot. I am not familiar with the term, but I believe it means that she find you appealing."

Legolas walked over to her, staring at her curiously. As soon as he reached her, the first thing she blurted out was, "How old are you?"

"246, why?" he said, like anyone could be 246 years old.

Hermione stared at him. "Really, how did you get to be so, um, old?" she asked.

"I live in Rivendale, making me an elf, so I have a really long life span," he explained.

"Yeah, right," she said quickly. "Anyway, do you have a girlfriend?" she asked.

"Umm..."

Ron and Harry pulled Hermione away. "He's too old for you!" said Ron.

"Let me GO!!" she screamed.

"No way, you'd be all over him. And he's an ELF!" said Ron jealously, tugging at her arm.

"Hey!" said Legolas, looking offended. "Elves have feelings too, y'know!"

"Are you related in any way, shape, or form to a creature named Dobby?" asked Harry curiously.

"Umm..."

Frodo, who was really getting tired of the attention getting taken from him (as he usually did), took the ring out of his pocket. Ron and Harry immediately dropped Hermione and stared at it. Merry, Sam, and the other hobbit (who shall remain nameless) stared at it also. Legolas, whose will was a great deal stronger than most people, just looked bored, and fell asleep.

"My precious!" they all said at once. Within three seconds, all of them (excluding Legolas) jumped on top of Frodo and wrestled him to the ground and successfully stole the ring from them. Hermione ended up with the ring after a short, but vicious fight. She put it on. Nothing happened.

"What the-hey! Isn't the ring supposed to make me invisible and take me to a different place?" said Hermione.

"We aren't in the movie anymore, I guess, so it won't work." said Frodo, snatching the ring back from her. He sat down in the corner and began stroking the ring, muttering, "It's okay, my little one. Shh, it's going to be okay. Don't be afraid! Frodo saved you from the evil one. What? What did you say? Ha ha, yes, I think she must've been PMS-ing too..."

At this, Hermione looked ready to kill the hobbit. She too began muttering things, though they sounded more like, "I'm gonna rip all of the hair off of your head, you freaking midget!" She strode over to him, intended to do as she said, but Ron stopped her.

"Calm down!" said Ron, restraining her once again. "You don't want to prove him right, do you?"

At around the same time he said this, another poster came to life. This one was labeled Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones. A man that looked around 19 or 20 years old popped out of the picture. He was wearing a weird looking black suit that made him look as if he was ready to go into combat.

"Where am I?" asked the strangely dressed man. He began to whine, crying, "This isn't Geonosis!" He stared around the room, muttering, "This definitely wasn't in the script..."

Within seconds, another young, but bearded, man popped out of the poster.

"There you are, Anakin," said the bearded guy thankfully, who's name was Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Oh no, not you," he said, quite un-thankfully. "I thought it would have been Padme, but no, it's Mr. Jedi Order. Mr. Lets-Do-It-By-The-Book! You just can't stand it 'cause I am better than you!" said Anakin.

"Anakin, you have to finish your training! You can't just abandon it and run off with her!" said Obi-Wan.

"No, I don't. I don't need your training! I'm already the best Jedi there ever was. Remember that I'm Mr. Midi-Chlorians here. I have to bring balance to the force, not you! You should listen to me! Now I want you to go away!" shouted Anakin, looking quite pissed off. "Besides, Palpatine knows that I am stronger than you, anyway! I could totally chop you up with my lightsaber!!"

"You do, you know," said Hermione, out of the blue.

"I do--huh?" asked Anakin confusedly.

"Chop him up with your lightsaber," she said nonchalantly while Obi-Wan and Anakin looked puzzled. "Well," she said, seeing their confused looks, "if you follow the story until the end," she began, "you will find that in the fourth chapter of the saga, you, Anakin, kill Obi-Wan. Of course, Obi-Wan is a now hermit named Ben and Anakin, you are now on the Dark Side going by the name of Darth Vader. Oh," she gestured to Anakin, "and you might want to warn your future son to not kiss the princess he meets--it's his twin sister."

Anakin looked dumbfounded, but Obi-Wan looked furious.

"A HERMIT?" he asked. "HOW COULD I BE A HERMIT NAMED BEN?! HOW FREAKING ANTICLIMACTIC IS THAT?"

"Very, when all things are considered," said Hermione, adding to poor Obi's troubles.

"Tell me I take a wife," he pleaded. "Tell me, PLEASE, that I get something out of life!"

"You die a virgin," said Hermione pityingly. "Poor thing. No worries, though. I know where you can get help for that. There is a place called Fanfiction.net where you have been paired with every character under the sun... and even a few non-human ones."

Obi-Wan shuddered at the thought, as she went on in describing the site. He had heard of the awful spelling errors and grammatical issues on that site. He didn't want 'Obi-Wan harmed the poor Jawa' into 'Oobi-Wang humped da por Jabba'. It just wouldn't do.

"No more, little girl, I believe I'm through with hearing my future, as far as I am concerned. Actually, I'm through with this room. It seems that everything in here is just... wrong. I'm leaving." He went over to the door and tried the lock. It would not budge. He threw his body against the door, but to no avail. He grumbled, taking out his lightsaber, as if he didn't want to use it. When he went to click the button, however, it did just fizzed and did not work properly. He slumped down against the door and banged his head on it a few times, muttering incoherent words with each blow.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Anakin. "Now I'm stuck with him, the guys from Lord of the Rings, and three kids that look sickly familiar!"

"Wait, how do you know us?" asked Harry, who had been unusually silent up until now.

"I really don't know. I saw you in the preview for my movie," said Anakin.

Just then, another person popped out of the poster. It was a little boy that looked remarkably like Anakin, just younger.

"Hi!" he said animatedly and very quickly. "My name is Anakin Skywalker! Want a japor snippet to remember me by? I have lots of them (he held up a few weird looking pendants)! I gave one to this pretty girl once! She came into my shop! Her name was Padme, isn't that weird? I think it's weird. Anyway, I think I'm going to marry her someday, but I haven't gotten the script for the next movie yet. Hey! Do you like cheese? I like cheese!! I like it so much that I eat it all the time even though it makes me fart and then I love to--"

"HEY!" Obi-Wan said to Anakin's apparent younger form, ceasing his self-mutilation. "Get back, that wasn't your poster!" And with that, he shoved the little boy back into the poster.

Then, another person came out of the poster. It was a girl that looked about in her twenties. Anakin rushed over to her and started Hooverizing her (a.k.a., sucking the lips off of her face).

"Didn't need to see that, there," said Ron as the three of them looked away.

There was another poster in there that began to move. It was entitled, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The three didn't notice that poster until a greasy haired, hook nosed, ugly looking guy popped out of it. It was none other that.... Professor Snape!

"AHHHHHHH!" the three of them screamed. "We're all going die!!!!! Snape is here to kill us!!"

"Potter, Weasley, Granger?" said Snape menacingly. "What are you doing here? Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

Just then, as if matters couldn't get any worse, somebody else popped out of the poster. There was no mistaking it--the silver blonde hair, the icy blue eyes... it was none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Aw, damn, and if it couldn't get any worse, Malfoy's here," said Ron.

"Hey, where am I?" asked a very confused looking Malfoy, staring around the room.

"Don't ask us, cause we don't know." said Harry impatiently, eyeing the blonde boy carefully.

"Hey, you were just in the movie. Weasley, you just almost got eaten by some spider. It was rather funny, actually, watching you nearly wet yourself, even though it was just a large hunk of scrap metal and a few neat computer-aided special effects. Who are all of these other people?" he said.

Harry was about to answer when yet ANOTHER person popped out of the poster, except it wasn't just one person. It was three people... Harry, Ron, and Hermione!

"What the--" started Harry, looking at himself, though his image was dressed in Hogwarts robes. He then scowled at himself, saying, "My eyes are green, you know..."

The poster Harry turned to the poster Hermione and the poster Ron and said, "Was this is the script? I didn't get to it last night if it was."

The poster Hermione scoffed and said, "It must've been Chris' idea, that twit. I suppose he wants this for the deleted scenes rubbish!"

"Don't call him that," said the poster Harry nervously, "He can hear all... see all..." He stared around the room wildly, and began swatting at what could have been flies (except there were no flies present).

Everyone stared at the poster Harry, and the poster Ron explained to them all, "He was traumatized one day after he accidentally walked in on a rather disgusting scene. Chris, our director, was apparently doing something nasty with Wood, who was dressed as a tiger, and evidently, the rest of the male portion of the Quidditch teams, minus Harry, had decided to get in on it." Ron then winced at his own words. "I never knew that Fred and George swung that way, but I will say that I am not surprised that what happened, happened."

Everyone, especially those who were associated with the Harry Potter film or book series, looked appalled, except for Snape who looked mildly interested. The poster Ron looked sympathetic towards the real Ron, who had a look of terror on his face. He suddenly bolted to the door and threw himself at it, saying with every throw, "THIS...CANNOT...BE HAPPENING!!" After awhile, he passed out. No one really cared, though, since Obi-Wan already tried this, and it did not work.

Meanwhile, the two Hermione's looked at each other and said, "This could be very useful..." They sat down and started talking to each other about schoolwork, and how cloning could be very effective in getting work and other things done.

At the word 'clone', Obi-Wan, who was looking miserably at Anakin and Padme going at it in the corner (though Snape was taking pictures), rushed over and said, "Bad idea, little girl, bad idea." He then launched into the whole idea that cloning people would just not be a good thing, since people could start up armies and everyone would die. Hermione #1 (will denote the actual Hermione) and Hermione #2 (the fake) almost fell asleep listening.

When he was done, they said in unison, "No offense, Jedi man, but you are really boring. No wonder Anakin doesn't want to stay with you..."

"You think I'm bad? Listen to Yoda talk!" he said defensively. "He'll drone on for hours and hours, talking backwards, complaining about how he can't flip people off because he has four fingers, saying 'Four fingers, I have! Inconvenient, this is!"

"Poor Yoda," said Hermione #2, "I don't know what life would be like if I couldn't flip people off."

"Right, I think I would die if I couldn't flip Malfoy the bird every so often..." trailed off Hermione #1.

Speaking of Malfoy, he was feeling very alone. While everyone was in their seemingly separate worlds, he was sitting in the other corner, feeling sorry for himself. All he wanted was a little love in his life (and an emery board to file his nails; they were getting a bit too long). Sure, he had Pansy in the books and perhaps later in the movies, but she only wanted to rape him (as did everyone in the Harry Potter universe at some point, even Buckbeak). While many of the candidates were promising, he realized that he needed love, not lust! And how alone he felt at this very moment! Now, even when immersed in the oddest group of people, he couldn't find a place to fit in. He grumbled to himself, sitting on the floor propped up against the wall, examining his fingernails and contemplating why life was so cruel to him.

The real Harry looked around the room. His eyes fell across the perturbed looking Draco. The young man looked as if he was going through some extraordinarily tough times, and Harry almost felt sorry for calling him a stuck-up, pig-headed, blankety-blank in his 3^rd year. Almost. He could never admit defeat to a Malfoy; it would just be wrong! Besides, then people would begin to think things about him. He didn't want people to think he was gay! Ew! It would just be so sickeningly wrong! Harry Potter couldn't be gay, especially with Draco Malfoy! It just wouldn't be right! He was attracted to Cho, after all (though the kiss she had given him had been a bit lackluster). He didn't want anyone to know--erm, think that he could possibly be drawn to his same sex. He couldn't be!