It's All Been Done: A Severus/Hermione Parody

The camera zooms over a vast lake and focuses on the outline of a dark, ancient castle. "Harry Potter" soundtrack music plays in the background.

NARRATOR: It was a year of fire, of pain. It was a year of loss and redemption, a year of broken dreams and fulfilled prophecies. It was the year the Order of the Phoenix won the fight against Lord Voldemort, proving that no matter what the odds, good will always triumph over evil. It was-

A voice interrupts the NARRATOR. Soundtrack music comes to a screeching halt.

HERMIONE GRANGER: It was five years ago, you twit. Old news.

Camera abruptly zooms away from Hogwarts, over the countryside, and into a crappy, one-bedroom flat in London. HERMIONE sits in a shabby chair with a ginger cat on her lap and a glass of WHISKEY in one hand. She is barely visible due to the piles of BOOKS in the room.

NARRATOR: Um, what?

NARRATOR checks his SCRIPT.

NARRATOR: Isn't this a Harry Potter fanfiction?

HERMIONE: Of course this is a Harry Potter fanfiction!

NARRATOR: May I ask where Harry is, then?

HERMIONE: Harry won't be making much of an appearance in this story. You see, this is a Severus/Hermione fic. I'll be taking center stage.

HERMIONE takes another drink of her WHISKEY.

NARRATOR: But what about Voldemort?

HERMIONE: Voldemort who? Voldemort would get in the way of the romance, and anyway, I need to be of legal age so I can shag Snape anywhere from 66 to 85% of the way through this story. Couldn't have that during school, now could I?

NARRATOR: But... but... oh, okay. I'll just shut up for a while.

- - - -

Enter a nondescript POTIONS WORKSHOP, complete with MILLIONS OF BOOKS, DISGUSTING THINGS IN JARS, and NO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

HERMIONE GRANGER stands at a cauldron, carefully adding Potions ingredients to an EXPERIMENT.

Although she is an antisocial WORKAHOLIC who doesn't take the time to SHOWER or EAT, let alone ENJOY HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP, HERMIONE has developed GOOD LOOKS. Her hair is no longer BUSHY - it has composed itself into a CASCADE OF AMBER RINGLETS. Her eyes are not brown - they are HONEY-COLORED. She sports a 36DD BRA SIZE.

HERMIONE: I'm hot.

NARRATOR: Yes you are! But you are lonely and not intellectually stimulated.

HERMIONE: Work sucks. Everything here is below me.

An OWL flies into the room with a LETTER. HERMIONE opens it.

LETTER: Dear Ms. Granger, you are needed at Hogwarts to be a Potions assistant and help Snape save the world. Kindly abandon your current job and come here at once. Love, Albus Dumbledore.

HERMIONE: An opportunity to get out of here and enjoy some intellectual stimulation! All right!

HERMIONE'S BOSS appears out of nowhere.

BOSS: Granger, finish that potion.

HERMIONE: Go f*** yourself! I've got a new job at Hogwarts!

- - - -

Enter HOGSMEADE TRAIN STATION. HERMIONE exits the train with a LARGE TRUNK. RUBEUS HAGRID waits for her on the platform.

NARRATOR: Apparating isn't an option here. Hermione needs a train. It's nostalgic.

HAGRID: Hermione!

HERMIONE: Hagrid!

HERMIONE and HAGRID attempt to hug in a sappy manner. HERMIONE'S BREASTS get in the way.

HAGRID: 'Ave you been using that Silicone Charm again, Hermione?

HERMIONE ignores HAGRID'S comment. HAGRID takes HERMIONE'S trunk for her as they head to HOGWARTS.

- - - -

Enter the GREAT HALL at HOGWARTS. DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL, and SNAPE are there to greet HERMIONE.

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome back, Ms. Granger!

McGONAGALL: Welcome back, Ms. Granger!

SNAPE: I don't need a freaking assistant.

SNAPE, in stereotypically UNPLEASANT fashion, stalks out of the GREAT HALL.

DUMBLEDORE: Let's go to my office where we can talk about your pretense for being here and warming Severus's cold, dead heart - I mean, the crisis that only you and Severus can avert.

- - - -

Enter DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

DUMBLEDORE: So, let's fill you in on why I asked you here. We have a problem - there is an evil force threatening the Wizarding World.

HERMIONE: Voldemort?

DUMBLEDORE: No, no... you are mistaking this for an angsty "pre-fall of Voldemort" fic.

NARRATOR: In which the primary source of angst is Severus's guilt and spying on Voldemort, and you get raped.

HERMIONE: And this is?

DUMBLEDORE: An angsty "post-fall of Voldemort" fic.

NARRATOR: In which the primary source of angst is Severus's guilt and haunting memories, and you take part in consensual NC-17 smut at the end.

HERMIONE: Ah.

DUMBLEDORE: Anyway, the evil force is not Voldemort... it's DRACO MALFOY!! Bwahaha!!

HERMIONE: That little blonde-haired pussy?

DUMBLEDORE: Well, after the fall of Voldemort and the death/imprisonment of his father... Which do you prefer, death or imprisonment?

HERMIONE: Mmm... death, I suppose.

DUMBLEDORE: All right... the death of his father, Malfoy became a dangerous, calculating, sadistic, bitter man bent on revenge.

NARRATOR: And he wears leather pants, too. He's sinister-yet-sexy.

DUMBLEDORE: He's created a potion to slowly kill any wizard with Muggle parents or grandparents. Bribed someone to distribute it for him. You still drink Butterbeer?

HERMIONE: No.

DUMBLEDORE: How about Old Ogden's Firewhiskey?

HERMIONE looks GUILTY

HERMIONE: Um... maybe sometimes.

NARRATOR: That's right, folks! Hermione DRINKS out of LONELINESS and BOREDOM!! Has it gotten your sympathy yet?

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Malfoy had the potion distributed in all of last year's butterbeer and firewhiskey. Pretty much everyone in the country has been exposed. You've got about two years to live.

HERMIONE: %$@&^!

DUMBLEDORE'S eye TWINKLES MADLY.

DUMBLEDORE: Look on the bright side, Hermione... Now you have even more incentive to work with Severus on the antidote!

SEVERUS SNAPE: I'm absolutely thrilled at the prospect.

HERMIONE: How did you get in here?

SNAPE: Don't you know? I always enter the scene just in time to make a sarcastic or snappy remark. It's a trademark of mine.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, good. You can explain her job.

SNAPE (to HERMIONE): You will be my assistant. You will do as I say. I will grudgingly respect you, but not until you do something intelligent in potions that I hadn't thought of. I'll see you in the dungeons at six tomorrow morning.

SNAPE leaves the office in a HURRY.

HERMIONE: Well, this looks promising.

- - - -

The next morning. Enter the HOGWARTS DUNGEON.

HERMIONE stands in front of the door to SNAPE'S WORKSPACE.

SNAPE (from inside): Come in or go away!

HERMIONE enters the room. SNAPE stands behind a TABLE.

HERMIONE: How'd you know I was here?

SNAPE: I could smell you. You'll find that it's one of the things that initially attracts me to you; through my years of potions-making, I've developed a superhuman sense of smell. You smell like "flowers." Later on, you'll discover that I smell like "herbs."

HERMIONE: Huh?

SNAPE shakes himself.

SNAPE: Um, nothing. Get to work.

They WORK. HERMIONE has an INSIGHT and suggests using an ALTERNATE INGREDIENT.

SNAPE: Hey, that's impressive. I guess I can't be as condescending to you now.

HERMIONE: Cool.

SNAPE: I suppose, since you are on the staff now, we should call each other by our first names.

NARRATOR: First base?! Where? Here? Now? ALL RIGHT!!

SNAPE (irritated): I said "first names," you dolt. Don't you know anything?

HERMIONE: Yeah, there has to be an awkward moment where I change from "Ms. Granger" to "Hermione."

SNAPE: And I change from "Professor Snape" to "Severus."

HERMIONE: You should call me Hermione... Professor Sever... I mean, Sna... I mean, Severus.

SEVERUS: All right... Miss... um... Hermione.

FANS: Yeah!

- - - -

REPEAT previous scene one or two times, with a slightly smaller degree of DISCOMFORT between SEVERUS and HERMIONE.

- - - -

Enter the DUNGEONS. Again.

HERMIONE walks into DUNGEON WORKROOM without KNOCKING. This indicates that she is becoming COMFORTABLE around SEVERUS.

HERMIONE: Hello, Severus.

SEVERUS: Hello, Hermione.

SEVERUS SMILES.

FANS: He smiled! He smiled!!

HERMIONE: Hey, this jar is empty. We need some more of this ingredient.

SEVERUS: I have some in my rooms. I'll go get it.

NARRATOR: Wait a minute! Hermione's been working with you for a while, Severus. She needs an excuse to see your rooms.

SEVERUS sneers at the NARRATOR.

SEVERUS: Do you have a suggestion?

NARRATOR: How about the wards?

SEVERUS: All right... Um, Hermione, the wards I set up in this room... um... will do something... bad... if you stay in here without me.

HERMIONE: But I've come in here alone many times before!

SEVERUS: I, uh, updated the wards. Come along!

HERMIONE and SEVERUS leave the WORKROOM.

- - - -

Enter SEVERUS'S ROOMS. They are FURNISHED with incongruously GOOD TASTE, with lots of DARK WOOD and GREEN VELVET. There are THOUSANDS of BOOKS on the walls.

SEVERUS: Check out my bachelor pad.

HERMIONE: Nice. I see that you really like books. And... is that Muggle poetry?

SEVERUS: What can I say? I'm a sensitive man beneath by cold exterior.

HERMIONE: Is that a....

NARRATOR: What shall Severus's familiar be? A) talking, frighteningly intelligent raven or B) talking, frighteningly intelligent snake?

FANS: Snake! Snake!

HERMIONE: ... a talking snake?

SEVERUS: This is my familiar, Marcus. He is very intelligent. If I ever slit my wrists or try to commit suicide by some other method, he will be sure to get help.

SEVERUS gives MARCUS a somewhat annoyed look.

HERMIONE: Um... that was kind of personal, don't you think?

SEVERUS: We're at the point in this fic where I'm going to start opening up to you. Look! I can quote Muggle poetry!

SEVERUS clears throat.

SEVERUS: "There once was a man from Nantucket..."

HERMIONE: Wow... I know that one too! That is so touching!

HERMIONE and SEVERUS forget about the potions ingredient and have TEA.

- - - -

Some TIME goes by. SEVERUS and HERMIONE have gotten used to each other. SORT OF.

SEVERUS: Hermione, we are conveniently out of a rare potions ingredient. We must go on an adventure to get some, during which we will strengthen our relationship.

HERMIONE: Does this ingredient grow in the Forbidden Forest?

SEVERUS: No. That would be too close. How about Greenland? Snow-covered wasteland?

HERMIONE: What's there?

SEVERUS: A rare plant called the Plotarius Devica. It only grows on top of a snow-covered mountain, which we need to climb.

HERMIONE: Oh joy.

SEVERUS: Your deadpan voice is starting to rival mine.

HERMIONE: Wonderful.

- - - -

Enter a SNOW-COVERED MOUNTAIN in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. HERMIONE and SEVERUS stand at the bottom of the mountain.

SEVERUS: It's only about a mile up. Let's go.

HERMIONE starts showing symptoms of being slowly poisoned in order to garner sympathy and a possible rescue from SNAPE.

HERMIONE doubles over.

HERMIONE: Ow!

SEVERUS: Hermione?

HERMIONE straightens.

NARRATOR: We can't play all of the cards at once, can we?

HERMIONE: I'm fine. Up we go!

HERMIONE and SNAPE climb to the top of the mountain. It is COLD. They find the PLOT DEVICE, er, PLOTARIUS DEVICA, and begin their descent.

HERMIONE starts to feel DIZZY but says NOTHING. She LAGS BEHIND.

SEVERUS: Hermione?

SEVERUS turns around to find HERMIONE leaning on a TREE.

SEVERUS: Are you all right?

HERMIONE vomits in the SNOW.

NARRATOR: Vomiting brings us together! Sympathy! SYMPATHY!!

SEVERUS gets HERMIONE some WATER and CARRIES her down the MOUNTAIN. He then APPPARATES them to HOGWARTS.

HERMIONE (weakly): Why didn't we just apparate to the top of the mountain?

SEVERUS: That Plotarius Devica is a funny plant.

HERMIONE passes out.

SEVERUS takes HERMIONE to the HOSPITAL WING and WATCHES OVER her. He LEAVES before she wakes up, but MADAM POMFREY tells HERMIONE he was there.

HERMIONE: Hmm... I'm starting to wonder about Severus.

- - - -

HERMIONE recovers, but retains an ANGSTY handicap, like HANDS that SHAKE.

HERMIONE enters the WORKROOM, where SEVERUS is WORKING.

HERMIONE: Now that you've rescued me, it's time for us to have an argument.

SEVERUS: I suppose I'll be the bad guy?

HERMIONE: Of course.

SEVERUS: Incredibly insensitive and canon-like?

HERMIONE: Got it.

SEVERUS thinks for a moment.

NARRATOR: Why don't you just feel guilty about something and take it out on her?

SEVERUS: Well, I do have enough complexes to last for several lifetimes...

SEVERUS thinks about how his INVOLVEMENT as a DEATH EATER led to the fostering of DRACO MALFOY'S bad ATTITUDE and HERMIONE'S POISONING.

SEVERUS: I'm an asshole.

HERMIONE: Sorry, what?

SEVERUS: Nothing.

HERMIONE puts a SHAKING HAND on SEVERUS'S SHOULDER.

SEVERUS brushes off the HAND.

SEVERUS: Don't touch me!

SEVERUS growls like a STRAY DOG.

HERMIONE (confused): I thought you liked me!

SEVERUS: Don't be so childish! You're my assistant, and that's it! Get out of here, MISS GRANGER!

HERMIONE runs away.

SEVERUS sits down on the floor.

SEVERUS: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms!

NARRATOR: Aren't you going to go after her?

SEVERUS: You're kind of pushy, aren't you?

- - - -

SEVERUS goes after HERMIONE. He walks past the POTIONS CLASSROOM and hears SNIFFLING.

NARRATOR: Crying is almost as good as vomiting when it comes to bringing these two together.

SEVERUS: I'm an asshole.

HERMIONE (from inside classroom): Sniff, sniff... what?

SEVERUS enters the classroom, where HERMIONE is CRYING.

SEVERUS: I said "I'm an asshole."

He hands HERMIONE a HANDKERCHIEF.

HERMIONE: Boy, I wasn't expecting the truth...

SEVERUS (mutters): The truth is, I'm a socially stunted misanthrope who's finally found someone he likes, and I don't know what to do.

HERMIONE: Didn't catch that.

SEVERUS: And I'm not going to repeat it for at least 20,000 more words. Come here, you.

SEVERUS HUGS HERMIONE.

FANS: AAAAAHHHH!!! Woo hoo!!

- - - -

Enter DUMBLEDORE's OFFICE. DUMBLEDORE, SEVERUS, and HERMIONE are sitting in COMFORTABLE, OVERSTUFFED CHAIRS.

DUMBLEDORE pours some TEA.

DUMBLEDORE: So, how's the cure for Malfoy's potion going?

HERMIONE's HANDS shake for EMPHASIS.

SEVERUS: It's going...

HERMIONE: We're thinking of trying out a new plant, called the Muglondonis Excusus. We'll have to go on another trip to get it. There's a shop on Diagon Alley that carries it.

NARRATOR (to SEVERUS): Don't you have some of that in your rooms? I could have sworn I saw some there when we were there last time -

SEVERUS claps a HAND over the NARRATOR's MOUTH.

SEVERUS: We'll go this weekend.

- - - -

SEVERUS and HERMIONE take a trip to DIAGON ALLEY. They find the Muglondonis Excusus in about five seconds.

SEVERUS: Four-point-six, to be exact.

HERMIONE: How about I take you on a trip to Muggle London?

SEVERUS: But I'm wearing wizard's clothes...

NARRATOR: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Or should I say designer, ass-hugging black jeans?

HERMIONE: You're wearing jeans?

SEVERUS (sheepishly): Well, I thought that we might end up going into Muggle London, so I wore some Muggle clothes under my robes.

SEVERUS takes off his ROBES to reveal ASS-HUGGING BLACK JEANS, a sexy FOREST-GREEN SWEATER, and a black LEATHER JACKET. He puts his hair in a PONYTAIL.

FANS: My God, Severus, you're HOT!

SEVERUS: I have unprecedented fashion sense, considering I'm a shut-in from the wizarding community who spent half his life hating Muggles and the other half hiding in Hogwarts.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE explore MUGGLE LONDON. They see a MUGGLE MOVIE that the AUTHOR really LIKED. The movie is AMERICAN.

SEVERUS takes HERMIONE back to HOGWARTS and walks her to her ROOMS.

SEVERUS: I, uh, had a good time.

HERMIONE: Me too.

SEVERUS: So...

HERMIONE: So.

SEVERUS (blurts): I like your amber ringlets and your huge breasts. And your ability to come up with a snappy comeback when I'm being rude.

HERMIONE: I like your ass-hugging jeans and your hair, which I've discovered is not really greasy, it's just really really shiny. And your biting wit.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE look EMBARRASSED.

SEVERUS turns to leave. HERMIONE takes his hand.

They KISS.

FANS: Woot!! Invite him into your room! Invite him into your room!

SEVERUS apologizes for being TOO FORWARD.

HERMIONE tells him he's being SILLY.

They PART.

HERMIONE goes into her room and snuggles with CROOKSHANKS.

SEVERUS goes back to his room and MASTURBATES.

- - - -

CHRISTMAS comes. The STUDENTS, whom nobody has been paying any ATTENTION to, go HOME.

SEVERUS is very happy about the lack of CHILDREN in the school. He enters the GREAT HALL.

SEVERUS: Although I have chosen teaching as my career, my favorite part of the school year is when all of the brats go away.

FILIUS FLITWICK walks by with a pile of CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS floating behind him.

FLITWICK: Procrastinating on your Christmas shopping again, Severus?

SEVERUS: As a matter of fact, yes. What do you get a woman who may or may not be attracted to you, who is a colleague and a former student and whose relationship with you is highly questionable?

FL:ITWICK: You'll find something. All of the SS/HG fanfic writers out there are women who like getting expensive presents. I'm sure what you get will be fine.

SEVERUS goes shopping.

- - - -

CHRISTMAS DAY comes. SEVERUS, HERMIONE, DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL, FLITWICK, and HAGRID have breakfast in the GREAT HALL.

DUMBLEDORE is cheery.

HERMIONE looks PALE and NERVOUS but HAPPY.

HERMIONE: Severus, let's go back to the Potions classroom so I can have a chance to give you your present.

HERMIONE and SEVERUS go down to the DUNGEONS.

NARRATOR: The dungeons can be very romantic, you know.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE look NERVOUS. They have INSECURE INNER MONOLOGUES.

SEVERUS (to self): You're a bastard. You're worthless. You're an idiot. She's going to hate what you got her. You suck.

HERMIONE (to self): He's going to reject you. He's going to reject you. He's going to reject you.

SEVERUS gives HERMIONE a piece of EXPENSIVE JEWELRY. It contains some sort of MAGIC and is either RED or GREEN, but never BLUE or YELLOW.

If this is a SONGFIC, the piece of JEWELRY SINGS a SONG when TOUCHED.

HERMIONE gives SEVERUS something POTIONS-RELATED, like VIALS or KNIVES. Although not as pretty, they are still EXPENSIVE.

HERMIONE: It's beautiful!

SEVERUS: They're beautiful.

NARRATOR dangles MISTLETOE. SEVERUS and HERMIONE KISS and spend Christmas in front of Severus's FIREPLACE reading MUGGLE POETRY and SNUGGLING.

- - - -

The MONTHS go by. SPRING comes and HERMIONE and SEVERUS make progress with their POTION.

SEVERUS: We need one more ingredient - I think Mandrake will work.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE go to Professor SPROUT for advice.

SPROUT: Actually, Albus told me not to grow any Mandrakes this year so that you two would have to go out to get them.

Up in his OFFICE, DUMBLEDORE smiles MANIPULATIVELY.

SEVERUS: Sometimes I swear that man was in Slytherin.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE decide to take the TRAIN to LONDON.

HERMIONE: It's nostalgic!

SEVERUS and HERMIONE go SHOPPING. They RETURN on the TRAIN and disembark at HOGSMEADE.

Suddenly, they are ATTACKED by DRACO MALFOY and some NEO-DEATH EATERS.

HERMIONE: Give me a break, ferret-boy.

HERMIONE BLASTS the DEATH EATERS. MALFOY looks put-out.

MALFOY: I was supposed to win that fight!

HERMIONE: Not a chance, boy. This is a romance fic. Any danger you pose is simply there for the purpose of getting Severus and me together.

MALFOY: I still poisoned you, Mudblood!

NARRATOR: He has a point.

MALFOY hexes SEVERUS and HERMIONE, conveniently STUNNING them so he can GLOAT.

MALFOY: Ha! Ha! Ha!

THUNDER rolls.

MALFOY looks at the SKY with TREPIDATION.

MALFOY: Oh, crap. It's going to rain. Do you know what happens to leather pants when they get wet?

MALFOY FANGIRLS: They shrink! They shrink!! They shrink!!!

SEVERUS: I guess you won't have time to abduct us to your dungeon and torture us now.

ANGST ADDICTS: DAMN!

MALFOY: Well, I'll just ruin your day then. Memorias Broadcastus!

MALFOY blasts SNAPE with a CURSE, they APPARATES away from the RAIN.

SEVERUS SCREAMS in tortured AGONY as his worst MEMORIES are ripped out of his BRAIN and REPLAYED.

MEMORY-SEVERUS: I am bad! I am evil! I am Memory Severus! Watch as I ruin your budding romance!

MEMORY-SEVERUS does terrible things, like torturing INNOCENTS and murdering AURORS.

HERMIONE: Although I've known for years that you were a Death Eater and did very bad things, I've been in denial until now.

SEVERUS: The guilt! The shame!

HERMIONE is disgusted with SEVERUS'S PAST.

NARRATOR: Time to vomit!

HERMIONE: Not again...

HERMIONE runs away from SEVERUS and hides in her rooms. She falls into a FITFUL SLEEP, during which she dreams of SEVERUS.

HERMIONE wakes up and VOMITS.

NARRATOR: I told you...

---

Enter SEVERUS'S ROOMS.

SEVERUS drags himself inside and sits in front of the FIREPLACE.

SEVERUS: I'm an asshole. God, I hate myself.

MARCUS: Don't go getting any ideas.

SEVERUS: Shut up, you. I'm going to... um... shave. With a straight razor. Alone.

SEVERUS enters the BATHROOM and has a painful INNER MONOLOGUE about his DARK PAST.

SEVERUS: I deserve pain and torment.

SEVERUS cuts himself. He CRIES.

FANS: Aaaaawwwww!! Sevvie!

MARCUS: Hey, Severus! Did you fall in?

- - - -

Enter HERMIONE'S ROOMS.

Hermione is cuddling CROOKSHANKS.

MARCUS slithers into the room.

MARCUS: Help! Severus is being suicidal again!

HERMIONE: As his only friend, I must intrude on his privacy and save him!

HERMIONE runs down to the DUNGEONS and enters Snape's rooms. She barges into the BATHROOM.

SEVERUS is on the floor. There is BLOOD everywhere, but the AUTHOR uses nice IMAGERY and the overall impression is AESTHETIC.

SEVERUS is half DEAD.

HERMIONE: I will now cast a great cure-all charm that would have come in handy during the war.

HERMIONE: Cure-all-us!

SEVERUS stops BLEEDING. HERMIONE levitates him to the BEDROOM, where he WAKES UP.

SEVERUS: Why did you save me? My life is worthless! You hate me!

HERMIONE: While it is true that your past disgusts me, I can't bring myself to love you less.

SEVERUS: You ... love... me?

HERMIONE: Um... yeah.

SEVERUS: I'm not worthy of your-

HERMIONE claps a HAND over SEVERUS's MOUTH.

HERMIONE: Severus, now that you've tried to kill yourself and I've come to terms with your horrible past, it is time for gratuitous smut.

FANS: YEAH! Let's get it on!

HERMIONE kisses SEVERUS.

SEVERUS: I should tell you now that I'm a virgin, despite my age and the fact that my former best friend Lucius was a whore connoisseur.

HERMIONE: I'm a virgin too. How cute!

HERMIONE and SEVERUS proceed to go through the BASES in ORDER, ending with SEX. SEVERUS lasts longer than any VIRGIN on the face of the PLANET, despite his lack of EXPERIENCE.

SEVERUS and HERMIONE spend the NIGHT together.

- - -

Several days go by. Hermione's best friends come to see her, despite the fact that they have paid her no attention until now. They go to ROSMERTA'S, because the AUTHOR doesn't know of any other WIZARDING BARS.

HARRY: Hi Hermione, we missed you!

RON: Yes we did!

HERMIONE: I missed you too. Isn't it great to see each other again?

HARRY: Yeah.

RON: What's new?

HERMIONE: I'm shagging Severus!

HARRY chokes on his tainted BUTTERBEER.

HARRY: You're SHAGGING SNAPE?!

EVERYONE ELSE IN ROSMERTA'S turns to stare at HARRY.

HERMIONE: I've discovered that underneath his cold, unwashed exterior is a heart of gold.

RON: I think I'm going to be sick.

HERMIONE: Does this mean you aren't going to be supportive?

HARRY and RON: Snape germs! Snape germs!

HARRY and RON abandon HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: I guess this means we aren't going to that Weird Sisters concert tonight, huh.

- - - -

Enter the Potions workshop.

SEVERUS is working on the POTION. HERMIONE enters.

HERMIONE: My friends are assholes!

SEVERUS: And yet when I say it, she gets indignant!

HERMIONE: They abandoned me!

SEVERUS: Don't worry, they'll eventually come crawling back, unless the author really doesn't like them, in which case, they won't.

HERMIONE: Remind me never to let you get a job as a therapist.

SEVERUS: You just need a distraction. Take this potion, for example.

SEVERUS gestures at the POTION. It is turning strange COLORS.

SEVERUS: You might want to get behind that table over there.

HERMIONE gets behind the TABLE.

NARRATOR: You see, this fic is listed as either Romance/Drama or Romance/Angst - either way, we still haven't filled our angst quota. So Severus is going to blow himself up now, and you are going to nurse him back to health.

HERMIONE: Um... OK.

SEVERUS blows himself up. The POTION splatters everywhere, but not on HERMIONE.

HERMIONE levitates SEVERUS to the HOSPITAL WING.

- - - -

Enter the Hospital Wing. Severus is lying, heavily bandaged and unconscious, on a bed. HERMIONE is next to him in a chair.

HERMIONE: Oh, Severus, I'm so worried about you!

SEVERUS mutters INCOHERENTLY.

HERMIONE holds Severus's HAND.

MADAM POMFREY: Make yourself useful.

MADAM POMFREY gives HERMIONE a useless WASHCLOTH, which she uses to mop SEVERUS's FOREHEAD, although he doesn't have a FEVER.

SEVERUS: Mommy...

HERMIONE: Delirious, aren't you.

SEVERUS: Yes... You smell like Hermione. Mmmm... Hermione.

HERMIONE: How touching.

- - -

The next morning. HERMIONE is talking to a somewhat-recovered SEVERUS.

HERMIONE: Now that you're awake but still injured, it leaves you in a vulnerable state perfect for divulging your innermost secrets.

SEVERUS: My family life is terrible. My dad's abusive, my mom's an alcoholic, and my little brother drowned in a lake when I was nine.

HERMIONE: I see why you're such a jerk all the time.

SEVERUS: That's the point. Sympathy for me!

HERMIONE feels BAD for SEVERUS. She gives him SYMPATHY, but without PITY, which would drive him into an irrational FURY.

- - - -

The term passes. Everywhere but Hogwarts, Mandrakes flourish.

Enter the POTIONS WORKSHOP.

HERMIONE: Well, we can go buy some Mandrakes now.

SEVERUS: Why don't you go out on your own for a few days so I can get insecure?

HERMIONE: OK.

HERMIONE leaves for a few days to get MANDRAKES. SEVERUS gets INSECURE.

SEVERUS: What if she doesn't come back?

HERMIONE doesn't come BACK. SEVERUS starts to tear out his HAIR.

SEVERUS: Hermione hates me!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE enters the workshop.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, Hermione is in the hospital wing.

SEVERUS runs out the door, showing EMOTION in a very OUT-OF-CHARACTER way.

- - - -

Enter the HOSPITAL WING. HERMIONE is lying in a BED. There is a SHOPPING BAG with tiny HUMANS, er, MANDRAKES inside.

HERMIONE: I got the Mandrakes...

SEVERUS: What's wrong?

HERMIONE: I'm afraid to tell you because you might reject me.

SEVERUS: I won't reject you if you don't reject me.

HERMIONE: Deal... I'm pregnant.

SEVERUS stares ahead BLANKLY.

HERMIONE: I SAID I'm PREGNANT!

SEVERUS continues to STARE.

HERMIONE begins to CRY.

HERMIONE: I knew you were going to be against it!

SEVERUS blinks.

SEVERUS: Hey, that's great!

HERMIONE: Huh?

ALBUS: Huh?

MADAM POMFREY: Huh?

FANS: HUH?

SEVERUS: Yeah, I hate kids, but I'm also kind of hypocritical. I'm sure I'll love my own kid. Let's get married!

HERMIONE: Sure.

FANS: Yaaaaaay!!

- - - -

Enter the POTIONS WORKSHOP.

HERMIONE and SEVERUS finish the POTION and SAVE the WORLD.

HERMIONE: Now that we've gotten together, there really is no reason for the world to remain in danger. Love conquers all!

HERMIONE and SEVERUS engage in SMUTTY PLEASURES in the DUNGEONS.

FEMALE FANS take their COMPUTERS into rooms away from their HUSBANDS.

- - - -

Several weeks go by.

Enter the HOGWARTS GROUNDS, decorated for a WEDDING.

HERMIONE and SEVERUS have a giant PAGAN WEDDING. They get married BAREFOOT. HERMIONE finds a way to remove SEVERUS's DARK MARK at the last moment, therefore cleansing his SOUL.

HARRY and RON crawl back to HERMIONE. HERMIONE forgives them.

SEVERUS: I will shake your hand, Potter, because I care for Hermione more than you do and want her to be happy. So there, I win.

SEVERUS shakes HARRY's hand.

DUMBLEDORE: Do you?

HERMIONE: I do.

DUMBLEDORE: Do you?

SEVERUS: I do.

DUMBLEDORE: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Time for sex!

Because this is a PAGAN WEDDING, there is lots of SEX. GINNY WEASLEY has sex with HARRY POTTER. RON WEASLEY has sex with MADAM ROSMERTA. DUMBLEDORE has sex with McGONAGALL. If this is AU, SIRIUS BLACK has sex with LUNA LOVEGOOD or any other BARELY LEGAL FEMALE CHARACTER.

EVERYONE is HAPPY except for DRACO MALFOY, who goes to HELL in his LEATHER PANTS.

- - - -

Epilogue. Eleven years later. The Sorting Ceremony. SEVERUS and HERMIONE sit at the STAFF TABLE while their DAUGHTER waits to be SORTED.

SEVERUS: Slytherin.

HERMIONE: Gryffindor.

SEVERUS: Slytherin.

HERMIONE: Gryffindor.

SEVERUS: Slytherin!

HERMIONE: Gryffindor!

SORTING HAT: RAVENCLAW!

SEVERUS and HERMIONE share a LOOK.

SEVERUS: Her brother will be in Slytherin.

HERMIONE: In your dreams.

They SMILE and applaud their DAUGHTER.

THE END.