There's Something About Mary Sue

It's the middle of October now and the foliage around Hogwarts can only be described as sporadic bursts of cranberry red, vibrant orange, and deep brown. The point being that all of these hues perfectly complimented Mary Sue's new coloring of onyx black locks and yellow-orange eyes ("For the upcoming holiday of course!").

Mary Sue had stayed in the Slytherin dorms for about 3 weeks and had attended her classes with them. The warm sunshine effect she had on everybody did in fact work on the Slytherins too and thereby, changed their whole outlook on life! Tired of the bad reputation that was associated with their House's name, they immediately changed it to the Happy-Go-Lucky-People. Well it was either that or Worshippers-Of-Barney. Which one do you think was better?

She resides now with the Gryffindors and is having her first Potions lesson. Mary Sue often did not understand the lessons taught at Hogwarts well, and so just like on a Teletubbies episode, new information had to be taught over and over. Many times one lesson would last over a week, for her sake. No one minded though, she's Mary Sue and therefore can do no wrong.

Some of the Gryffindors weren't sure of how the evil, terrible Professor Snape would treat their precious Mary Sue though. They were somewhat astonished when he gathered Mary Sue into a great bear hug complete with noogies after he entered the dungeon, but only mildly so because, as I have said before and as you will hear again, she's Mary Sue and how could anyone not love her? She is a kind, loving, well-mannered girl and so it was completely in character for Snape to fall madly in love with her (well, it is now since Snape is the Head of the Happy-Go-Lucky-People House). They were very surprised however, by the warm, rosy tint that the flowing magenta robes he wore this morning brought to their once sallow-skinned teacher. Many of them were vaguely thinking that he could be a Gladrags model.........

"How was your morning, Herr Vontrap?"

"Just spiffing, Leisel."

The exchange between teacher and adorable, perfect student left the students (and probably you as well) thinking the exact same thing.

What the....?

What they didn't know was that while Mary Sue had stayed with the Happy-Go-Lucky-People, she and the professor had deeply bonded after discovering their mutual love of Muggle musicals and scrap booking. Indeed, she had joined him in his task of singing the children to sleep every night, his high saprano and her deep baritone voice blending perfectly, then joining him in the dungeons for an intensive scrap booking marathon! She had been delighted to see his past scrap books of the Sorting Hat, Mrs. Norris' napping pillow, and Professor Trelawney's crystal ball. They now were great friends and used nicknames for each other from their favorite musicals.

"Today, we're going to make deadly poisons and I want everybody to pair up with their best friend!" he cried out in cheerful tones. Harry chose Ron to partner with and Hermione chose a book. Following Malfoy's example, Mary Sue chose herself, but really, she was only thinking of the mass hysteria that would break out if she announced to the class that she needed a partner. I mean, everybody is her best friend, how could she choose?!

Snape began blathering on about the importance of deadly poisons in our daily lives, but for the sake of your boredom, we'll skip that. Finally, he asked questions about the ingredients, doubtlessly hoping to give Gryffindor more points.

"What type of meat do I add to make this poison complete?"

Mary Sue confidently raised a delicate hand with the grace of Broadway's best dancer. With a sparkling smile she answered, "Cantaloupe."

This was wrong as you can imagine, yet everyone accepted this. Mary Sue was applauded for her genius and many students were planning a party in her honor later tonight.

"Your quick mind astonishes me, Mary Sue," Snape said with the grin of a charmed uncle. His now tightly curled tresses bounced energetically on his shoulders as he announced, "100 points to, er- how does it go again- Griffclawslythpuff!"

"Ooh we're in first place now!" cried Mary Sue rapturously.

(Which you would think would be awfully hard since there's only one person in that house.........)

So, everyone placed a medium-sized cantaloupe (which Snape had in abundance in his private stores) in their poisons and drank heartily, blissfully unaware that adding a cantaloupe to a deadly poison turns it into Secret Desire potion (though no one really knows why a cantaloupe has that effect on it...).

Harry ran off crying something about his parents.

Ron climbed on top of his desk yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm the King of the World!" followed by energetic whooping.

Hermione was backing slowly towards the door, muttering, "Must free House-Elves."

Malfoy was pushing Ron off his desk and taking his place as "King of the World, Universe, and well, Anywhere That Has Potential Servants."

Snape was- well, you really don't want to know what Snape was doing, but it involved a seat cushion and oysters.

Mary Sue, oddly enough, was sitting in her chair, staring off into space. What with all the peace meetings, confusing classes and beauty salon appointments she attended, it was perfectly understandable that she would want a bit of time to simply act her stupid self.

When everyone's secret desires had worn off, Snape awarded Mary Sue with an additional 100 points for her ingenuity in accomplishing next week's potion this week. Together, they finished the class with their rendition of 'Oklahoma!'

To be continued...