There's Something About Mary Sue

There's Something About Mary Sue

It was a beautiful, brisk September day when Mary Sue came to Hogwarts. Of course, how could it not be when such a stunning creature went anywhere?

Standing at the large oak doors that led to the Great Hall, she stood with a frown upon her gorgeous face. Mary Sue? Frown? The two words simply did not go together!

Apparently, Mary Sue was trying to think of what Headmaster Dumbledore had told her before via owl. She was supposed to walk majestically through the doors after he first introduced her to the students. And yes, the letter really had instructed her to walk majestically. She placed a delicate, perfect ear to the thick wood of the door, but couldn't hear a thing.

Oh well.

"And now students, I'd like to-" Dumbledore began but was interrupted by Mary Sue opening the doors with great flourish. So much flourish in fact, that they bounced off the walls and swung back to knock her unconscious.

For about 30 seconds.

Then she opened the doors with a bit more caution and proceeded to walk down the aisle to where the Sorting Hat lay (and how she immediately knew that she needed to be sorted by that ratty old hat we'll never know. Hey, she's Mary Sue, she knows everything!). A shimmering mist dappled with the bright rays of the sun pervaded around her and a celestial choir of angels began a holy hymn.

"-introduce the beautiful and perfect Miss Mary Sue- er what is her last name-" Dumbledore again tried to make Mary Sue's entrance a very dramatic one, but a first year Hufflepuff, being incredibly in character, glared at him.

"SHUSH! We need to go into an unnecessarily long description of how extraordinarily beautiful Mary Sue is!"

Dumbledore looked abashed. "Right, sorry. I'll be quiet now." The old man sat in his chair, tucking his hands underneath him and looked down at his lap, looking very penitent.

But anyway, so Mary Sue is walking very gracefully down the aisles, albeit a little slowly so that everyone could admire her. Okay, so it took her 20 minutes to finally reach the stupid chair with the Sorting Hat, but really, she was only thinking about everyone else's need to see her stunning features! She was a very kind, thoughtful person.

I'm sure.

So, lets start from the top shall we? THAT HAIR! Oh, how could anyone have such beautiful, sun-kissed, white blond, silky, straight, shimmering hair?

Well, Malfoy, I suppose- but still! It was an incredibly rare and wonderful thing to have!

Malfoy, breaking from his trance, looks up with a smirk towards me, the author, who is somehow above everyone so that she can see everything, and I wink back at him. We have a special connection.

Yet, I digress again. So, okay, now that we have an adequate description of her hair, we'll move on to her- SKIN; that perfectly powdered, porcelain, pearlescent (do I have enough alliteration in here?) skin! Never could there be such perfect sk-

Malfoy again looks up to the ceiling with a warning glare, positioning his face so that the glowing lights from the Great Hall's candles perfectly compliment his own alabaster complexion.

Right, so only one other person shares that flawless skin.

With a satisfied grin, Malfoy goes back to ogling Mary Sue.

Goodness! Her eyes were like two large, shiny sapphires! And those cheekbones! That nose! And- oh my gosh- are her pink, plump lips slightly chapped? Mary Sue stands stock still and immediately whips out some chap stick from her purse (which had been there the whole time, I simply did not mention it) and proceeds to soothe her dry- but perfect-lips. Then she began walking again with the speed of a constipated turtle.

Look at that long, graceful neck! Her perfect shoulders! Her size two-in-most-places-but-otherwise-well-rounded-figure! Those delicate, princess-like, small, perfectly shaped, great, astounding, terrific, amazing feet!

So to sum up, she was rather okay looking.

Finally she reached the Sorting Hat and placed it as a crown upon her angelic head (because she knew exactly what to do though no one had actually told her). The entire Hall was deathly quiet with anticipation.

The Sorting Hat was a hat (amazing, I know) and therefore was not entranced by Mary Sues beauty. No matter how many disturbing fics you've read, inanimate objects do not have hormones!

So he could obviously see that while Mary Sue was the epitome of perfection on the outside, inside there was nothing but a bad Teletubbies episode playing over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

And over.

It was on the tip of the Sorting Hat's tongue (if he does have a tongue) to announce her as a reject that needs to take the short bus home, when he felt a very sharp pain on his brim (hats don't have hormones, but they do have feelings okay!). Apparently, the kind, sweet-hearted Miss Mary Sue could tell what he was about to announce and immediately dug her perfectly manicured nails into him in a death grip.

"Don't even think about it you dusty, miserable piece of cloth." She muttered under her breath in satanic tones. "I know where they keep you when you're not reading little children's brains, and let me tell you, I'm just dying to try out my new assortment of scrap booking scissors..."

The Sorting Hat gulped- somehow- and knew that if he did not obey to this little chit, he would end up as a new throw pillow for Professor Snape. And he knew well the rumors about Snape and inanimate objects... Shuddering, he shouted the first thing that came to his mind.

"SLYTHGRIFFPUFFCLAW!"

No cheering erupted. Everyone was still very silent but had replaced their looks of excitement with looks of deep confusion. Neville Longbottom felt a part of them for the very first time.

"Bless you!" cried out a well meaning second year, offering her hanky.

Professor McGonagall solved the situation by calmly walking to Mary Sue, picking the Hat off of her head, placing it on the corner of the staff table, and beating it with her enlarged wand that was now the size of a baseball bat.

"Stupid Hat, I knew you were getting too old for this! This is what I get for buying you at a Wizard K-Mart! Stupid, stupid, ratty old thing, I-" Professor McGonagall's energetic reverie was stopped by the perfectly graceful hands of Mary Sue.

"Oh no, Professor, I think the Hat wants me to be in all Houses. I have the best qualities of all of them, so the poor Hat couldn't decide which one to put me in!" Mary Sue explained, using the cutest of gestures.

"Oh."

McGonagall looked disturbingly disappointed.

So Mary Sue belonged to all houses now and the entire Hall cheered in a cacophony of resounding praise. She smiled radiantly but took a seat at the Gryffindor table, right beside the one and only Harry Potter (now who could've seen that coming?).

"Hello everyone! Would you like to hear all about me and my mysterious past?"

Everyone nodded in a robotic manner.

"Well, you see I became an orphan on Halloween night of 1980 when my parents mysteriously died and I had to live with my emotionally abusive aunt and uncle. So, Harry you and I can have some major bonding moments." Mary Sue winked at Harry, who immediately had to go change his pants.

"Then, they mysteriously died too, so I was brought into a very large Wizard family where I was the youngest and never felt that I could live up to my foster parents' expectations and surpass the achievements of my very accomplished siblings. So I can totally identify with you Ron!" Ron, who had been staring at Mary Sue open-mouthed, now went into a fit of very unmanly giggles.

"Then, they died too in a cow tipping accident, which isn't so very mysterious. But Hermione, you and I could basically be sisters because I then lived with a Muggle couple who were strict, but loving and very dedicated to their jobs as dentists!" Hermione pulled Mary Sue into a hug, sobbing on her perfect shoulder and finally released the pain of being an only child.

But Hermione's tears would surely fade Mary Sue's lavender robes so she very politely, if forcefully, flung Hermione's crippled form to Seamus, who didn't mind in the least figuring out ways to comfort her.

"Also, my hair and eye color change with the seasons. See, it's still summery now." She punctuated this by whipping her shiny, white blond hair around in a very Herbal Essence commercial type of way and fluttered her abnormally long lashes.

"Ooh, and you know what the most interesting thing about me is? I am the Heir of Veela!"

Only Colin Creevey looked slightly puzzled by this new information. "Wait, but there is no Heir of Ve-"

"Well, well, I'm very tired now, I think I'll go to bed. Not that I really need the Beauty Sleep now do I?" She laughed at her own joke, her laughter crystal clear, like a tinkling bell. Everyone roared with laughter too as if this was Jerry Seinfeld at his best.

She looked perplexed for a moment though. "Oh, but where should I sleep?"

Everyone scrambled around her, pitching the extravagant, sterling qualities of their Houses.

"Stay in Gryffindor! We have a nice warm fire, good people and you don't have to worry about your roommates offing you in the middle of the night, unlike some other Houses we know-"

"Stay in Slytherin! We have silk sheets, piles of money for pillows, and every night Professor Snape tucks everyone into their bed and sings them songs from The Sound of Music!"

Shape blushed accordingly.

"Stay in Ravenclaw! Our common room is decorated in classical Grecian art, we feast on French cuisine, and all night we tell each other how much better we are then everyone else!"

"Stay in Hufflepuff! We... spend half the night looking for our House, and spend the rest of it trying to remember the password...but once you get in, it's really great!"

In the end, Mary Sue decided to stay with the Slytherins, but only because she thought Professor Snape would have a beautiful soprano voice. Malfoy offered his arm in a surprisingly gentlemen-like gesture and Mary Sue took it. As everyone headed out the door, Dumbledore sprang to the podium.

"Wait! I haven't told you what parts of the castle are forbidden this year so you can find them anyway to snog in!"

To be continued...