The Marauder Monologues

PETER PETTIGREW: "Unprotected"

I'll make no excuses, I'll give no reasons, because I know the truth - no one would give a damn what I had to say anyway. I could run up and down the streets screaming that yes, I was the double agent; I could 'come back to life' and announce that Sirius Black was the traitor, that he killed his friends; I could transfigure myself into a giant chicken and trample Hogsmeade; but no one would give a damn about me. Ever.

I know this now. And part of me knew that then, though I didn't really acknowledge it. It was too depressing: that I spent all of my years at school following these boys, these men now, around, and they still didn't really know me or care about me. I used to wonder if I should have given up on them and made some real friends, but that was a lot harder than thinking to myself that it was their fault they didn't care about me like they should have.

Not that I did it for revenge. I never did. Actually, I never meant to hurt any of them. They were my idols. If I could have spent one day being as popular as Sirius, or as diplomatic and well liked as Remus, or as lucky as James to have a girl who loved me, I would have given up the rest of my dismal life. And they never guessed that. They never even guessed.

See, I got used to being protected. All through our school years, I was the fourth, I was their little brother, their chubby pal who needed Remus's tutoring for Potions and Transfiguration, James's acceptance to make me cool, and Sirius's fists to keep me from bodily harm. But then we graduated, and Remus and Sirius got closer, they would go out partying together and I'd hear their stories the next day, and James married Lily, and I felt sort of left out. I don't know. Then with the Order, it was all of us working together, but each of us was responsible for our own actions, entirely. It was my job to protect myself, not the other guys'. That was a new one for me.

So I started watching certain Death Eaters, like I was supposed to, only instead of seeing their crimes and hating them for it, I saw their camaraderie. I saw how they went everywhere together, did everything together, whether their actions were legal or not. They had their own codes, their own kind of secret society where they were all brothers and sisters. And I remembered that I used to belong to something like that, and I missed that kinship, that reassurance...that protection.

I sort of went looking for trouble, but it was Rosier who approached me first, actually. Ex-Professor Evan Rosier, who saw me in a pub I had no business being in and caught my eye, and when I didn't reach for my wand or scowl, but smiled sort of half-nervously at him, he sat down with me. Bought me a drink or two, asked how life was treating me, how my Marauder friends were doing. I knew full well that he was a Death Eater, but neither of us mentioned that. We didn't talk about work or the fighting or anything like that. It was just two guys, in a pub, having some drinks, and I realized that we weren't that different. Humans are all similar to each other, Muggle or wizard or whatnot, in that we all crave companionship. Rosier and his friends had companionship. I didn't.

So yeah, I let them lead me into it. First, it was just to a meeting, where they all ate and drank at Edward Lestrange's house, talking about whatever. There were a couple of other new guys there, too, not just me. Then I went with them when they were playing tricks on Muggles - they used Concealing Spells to hide themselves and did stupid things to Muggles, like took their cars from their driveways and hid them, or tripped them up so they fell face-forward on the sidewalk. It was kind of funny. I wasn't the one getting picked on, for once.

I never told this to the guys. They wouldn't understand. Besides, it was a real thrill to have someone else paying attention to me, and not feeling like the extent of our friendship ended at holding back bullies. While Lily and James were enjoying the married life, and Sirius and Remus were out screwing around on their nights off, I was doing something else that they weren't a part of. I was my own person, for once.

I didn't tell them when I took the Dark Mark, either. I was too far gone. I knew they would never understand the kinship I felt with these new guys now, they would never understand it. I wouldn't have been able to explain that I never intended to kill anyone or do anything really bad, I just wanted to be accepted into their group. It was like an initiation, a hazing - I took the Mark, now I could hang out with them. I still wanted to stay in the Order and help my friends. They were still my friends, I supposed.

I could have friends on both sides, right?

But then Voldemort had to mess everything up; he had to realize that I was in the Order. And he called me before him and asked me about the Order, who was in it, what we did. The thing was, he was really nice about it. He thanked me for helping him, told me how valuable I was. It made me feel so proud. It really did. James and Remus and Sirius never, ever told me they were proud of me. Whenever I did something right, I just sort of got a look that asked why I hadn't accomplished it sooner, like them. It felt good to be needed, even if I wasn't too sure I supported the cause. The means justify the end, I suppose; at least in this case.

He scared me; he was creepy, and really ugly, but his power was sort of familiar. Everyone oohed and aahed over him, worshiped at his feet, adored his every move...and I realized it was kind of like being back in school, with the guys. Everyone had adored them, too, and I was sort of one of them. Now I was sort of one of this 'them,' and the one everyone loved was telling me how valuable I was. It was a good feeling, a feeling I'd never really had before.

I wanted to be needed. So, I obeyed. I called him 'Master' just like everyone else. And I started telling him things that I thought would impress him: where I knew the guys were going to look on their next outing, what they knew about certain Death Eaters, whom they suspected. Just tidbits of information that I knew would help my new friends. And everyone was so happy, they were so proud of me - and no one in the Order ever suspected that little Peter Pettigrew was the one giving away their plans.

It was such a rush, such a power trip, to be that popular. Popularity went to my head, I guess you could say. I felt so slick and so cool, to be able to fool all of the people in the Order and let them think I was good, devoted, kind-hearted little Peter, and then to show off my Mark and leak all the plans to my new friends in Voldemort's circle. Voldemort himself congratulated me on my hard work. I felt so good.

Then the really big plan hit, the excellent one. It was Voldemort's idea, all the way, but he said I was the perfect one to carry it out. The Dark Lord said that we needed to show the Potters who was in charge, that just because James was from the Gryffindor line didn't mean he was above Voldemort's power - and I said I didn't want to hurt James, but I wasn't adverse to scaring him. By then, part of me felt like he needed to be put in his place, anyway, and maybe so did Sirius and Remus. I didn't want to hurt him, but I would certainly help in scaring him. So, Voldemort had me do all those jobs, breaking into wherever Lily and James and Harry were hiding/living at the time and rearranging things, just to unnerve them. It worked - they kept moving, all the time.

There was one time when Voldemort asked me where they were living, and I didn't want to tell him, because I was afraid he would hurt them. But I finally did tell him, when he threatened to use the Cruciatus Curse on me, and I got scared. So I told him, it was some flat, I told him where it was, and he thanked me and said he hoped I'd learned my lesson. I was lucky - he didn't curse me - double lucky - Lily and James and Harry had already left by the time the Death Eaters arrived. I didn't even give it away to them. They just knew and left.

That was about the time all the rumors started at work, that there was a traitor in the Order...that someone was affiliated with Lord Voldemort himself. I pretended to be just as shocked as the rest of them. But no one knew, no one even guessed...

That was another one of Voldemort's great plans - to distract them all, I told them what I'd heard through my 'network': that the spy was young, male, in the Order, probably a member of our year. That pointed to it being one of the Marauders, of course. I told Remus that I thought it was Sirius, and I told Sirius that I thought it was Remus. It was actually a lot of fun to watch how they reacted to that news - they didn't have quite as much fun as before, they didn't have quite as many 'morning after' stories to tell. I won't say I had been jealous of them, but it was a good thought to think they totally mistrusted each other now, and I had been out with my new brothers and sisters the night before, playing our little games.

But I swear, I swear on my life, I never wanted the whole Secret-Keeper mess to happen. It was Lily's fault for letting them do it, it was Sirius's fault for choosing me for it because he thought he himself was too obvious and Remus was probably the spy anyway, it was James's fault for going through with it, it was Dumbledore's fault for suggesting the Fidelius Charm in the first place. It was never my fault. Not for an instant. I was just the accessory to a crime. I swear.

But they did the Charm anyway. Lily and James thought they might finally be able to settle down in a little house in Godric's Hollow. Sirius knew where it was, but he said he was going to get one of us to do a Memory Charm on him anyway so he wouldn't remember it. No one but the Potters and I were going to know about the house in Godric's Hollow.

I wanted to die.

And of course, Voldemort knew about it. We performed the Charm on the 24^th of October, and by the 25^th, when Lily and James were moving in to their 'home sweet home,' Voldemort was summoning me to his side and asking me about the Fidelius Charm. I was afraid; I wouldn't tell him at first; and it was a good thing he thought Sirius was the Secret-Keeper, otherwise he would have probably killed me for refusing to tell him. But by the 30^th, his spies had told him that Sirius wasn't the Secret-Keeper after all...and I was at his side again.

He's so hard to refuse. His power is so great, he is so intimidating, a cross between awe-inspiring and overwhelmingly frightening. He's impossible to refuse. So, I told him. I almost wonder if I was under some kind of Imperius Curse, because I just blurted it out, I just told him, and I knew that was the end of the Potters.

But everyone loved me...everyone was so happy, they were clapping and pouring me drinks and talking about how I had given them the Potters on a silver platter, how I was their hero. Voldemort ignored the fact that I had not told him earlier and congratulated me on a job well done. It was more recognition than I had ever had in my entire life. My parents hadn't even celebrated me like that. I was their hero.

That was what I thought about, instead of what exactly was going to happen to Lily and James. I didn't think about them, because I was sure they never thought about me, anyway, and what did it matter, because I had real friends now, real friends who thought I was a hero. My life was finally worth something.

I wasn't in Godric's Hollow. I had my instructions: get out of my flat on Halloween night, and prepare to join Voldemort's side in the open. It was going to be like a coming-out party for me, because I was finally going to declare my true intentions. They all figured that after I'd blown the Secret-Keeper affair, the Order would know what I was up to, but my new family would protect me from them. They had made me one of their own, and now everyone would know it.

I wasn't there when they went for Lily and James.

So, I wasn't there when things went wrong...when Voldemort lost all his powers. It was a shock to find out - a sick feeling. The kind you get when you know that the bullies are gaining on you, and your friends are nowhere in sight to stand up for you, and you're going to have to turn around and face them or outwit them, somehow.

So, I did outwit them. For the first time in my life, I actually outsmarted them all, and I escaped. Not with much dignity, and not without a sacrifice - I had to leave behind my finger - but I escaped with my life, and my freedom. And my good name, incidentally, because everyone who had once made fun of me thought I was a hero now, albeit a dead hero. But a hero nonetheless.

It was a shame I couldn't come back to life somehow and accept that honor. But if I had, I'm not sure who would have killed me first, my old friends from the Order for betraying them, or my new friends from the Death Eaters for betraying them. I didn't mean to double cross both sides, but it just sort of happened. And it's too bad I can't accept the honors I earned now. I think I did earn those honors, for putting up with years of just being the Stupid Fat Kid, and suddenly becoming the catalyst, the factor that changed everyone's lives, for the worse and for the better. It's an honor, truly. I just can't accept it because now there's no one to protect me, since everyone's out to get me.

I feel like that's the way it's always been.

I'm kind of sorry about what happened to all my friends, both old and new, but they never saw it coming. They were left wide open for it all - they were unprotected. Just like me.