The Marauder Monologues

LILY EVANS: "First Lady Of The Marauders"

That's what they called me - the First Lady of the Marauders. Partly because James and I were always such a steady couple, and no one seemed surprised when we announced our engagement; partly because I was the only girl the Marauders ever let close. Tatiana and Carline were good friends, of course, but I was one of them. And though I may not have gone out with them on the nights of the full moon, I was still with them always. I loved those boys.

I did love them - I loved them all in very different ways, because of the ways they made me feel. Peter made me angry, wanting to protect him from those gits who were always picking on him. Like he was my little brother. Sirius made me laugh like no one else could, though I can remember when a joke went too far he was quick to apologize. Remus made me want to cry, first with pity for what he had been made, then with astonishment at the depth of his sensitivity. He was the one boy who could gauge feelings and emotions with precision, the one who kept his head no matter what.

And James - James made me weak in the knees, at once unsure and yet surer than ever before. I truly believe that feeling began to grow in me from the first time I met him, on the Express in our first year. And even though he was the heir of one of the most famous pureblood wizarding families ever, as he later confessed to me, he never cared that I was Muggle-born. For years that feeling blossomed, until I couldn't bear to be near him or look at him for fear that he would know what I was feeling. And then I learned he felt the same way...and nothing was ever the same after that.

I took it upon myself to take care of those boys. I simply adored them - of course, I had girl friends, and a few kids I kept up with in my neighborhood, but I had a bond with the Marauders like nothing else. And I did take care of them: I gave Sirius the assignments he missed when he had a detention, and I did my share of sticking up for Peter around Slytherin bullies, and I can't begin to count how many meals I took Remus when he was sleeping the day after he returned from 'visiting his mother.' I knew the truth about that, too. But I made sure I put those boys in their places when they got out of hand - kept jokes from going too far or getting too cruel, stopped them from getting into quite a few fights. I know I sound like a mother, but I wanted the best for them. I wanted to be as good to them as they were to me.

On the train home at the end of our fourth year, we found ourselves alone in the compartment at the back of the train - the one we always sat in, all of the Marauders and I, commemorating our first meeting. Peter was visiting the compartment of some Hufflepuffs, Remus and Sirius had gone to play some prank on a member of the Slytherin House Quidditch team. James and I were alone, sitting side-by-side, quiet in our separate thoughts, until I broke that silence.

"Well," I sighed, "it's over. Fourth year. Can you believe it?"

"No," he admitted, shaking his head. "And next year we'll be prefects."

"Big responsibility."

"Big privileges."

"True," I laughed. "Should've known you'd think of that. That's the way your mind works."

"Of course," he said, putting on a celebrity air. "That's just how we Marauders are."

"Oh, I see," I teased, "And you're all just too good for me."

"Never!" I was surprised at the vehemence in his voice. "On the contrary, you're too good for us. You'll have to hold a position of honor - like...the First Lady of the Marauders."

"First Lady..." I mused. "I like the sound of that."

"Do you?" he asked, shifting in his seat to better face me.

"Yes, James," I said, suddenly quiet as I realized how near we sat.

James must have realized it too, because he looked across the compartment at the seats again. We waited a few moments before either of us said anything. He was the first to speak this time.

"Rosier..." he murmured, again falling to the topic that had been bothering him immensely in the weeks since Rosier's termination. "I just don't understand. I liked him - I didn't think he was a bad guy. But...I guess I was wrong..."

"We all were, James," I said, trying to comfort him. "Not just you. None of us knew."

"But I should have known!"

"How?"

"Well..." He couldn't think of a reason, so he changed tactics. "Plus I want to be an Auror - but how can I do that if I couldn't even tell about Rosier, and I've known him for four years?"

"No one knew! Dumbledore didn't even know, and besides, we're only fourteen, James." He didn't respond - he looked so dejected. I couldn't stand to see him like that. I placed both my hands on one of his, holding it softly. "Listen, James, it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done. And we're all safe now anyway."

"I know that..." He sighed. His blue eyes were cloudy, I noticed. "But - well, when I think about what he could have done...to my friends, or to you." He finally looked at me, and our eyes met. "If he's really with the Death Eaters, then you would be the one of us he'd hate. And I - I wouldn't have let him touch you, Lily. I won't let anyone hurt you, not ever..."

"Oh, James," I whispered, feeling my eyes brim with tears.

"I promise..."

He pulled me to him and held me so tightly - and we stayed there, with our arms around each other, for a minute or two. Then it was like we were reading each other's minds, or both thinking the same thought, because both of us lifted our heads, closed our eyes, and kissed. It was just a chaste little kiss, nothing physically monumental, but it was soul shaking. It was as if we could read each other's hearts through that one kiss, only we weren't sure if what we read was entirely true - because it might have been too perfect to be true. It was incredible.

We stopped and didn't kiss again - I turned and leaned against him, and just let him hold me. There was a lot going through my mind, a lot to think about. James wasn't exactly a ladies' man like Sirius, but he'd had a few girlfriends in the past years, none of which had lasted very long. But hadn't I wished for this for so long?

Sirius and Remus and Peter returned to the compartment far too soon, and James and I both sat up, not wanting them to tease us about anything. We didn't really talk about much of anything for the rest of the trip to Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. But when the rest of the guys took their suitcases and left the compartment, eager to begin their summer holiday, James took my arm and gently held me back.

"I don't want to push you, Lily," he said, and there was a look similar to fear in his blue eyes. I nodded. "But just...think about it over the summer, will you? Let me know?"

"I will, James," I answered, and hugged him tightly. I was too scared to kiss him again.

Of course, James must have thought I hated him that summer, because I didn't talk to him once through the entire months of July and August. I was sent to a sisters' camp with my older sister Petunia, who was the biggest Muggle I'd ever met: she hated everything remotely related to magic. It scared her, it annoyed her, it bothered her - and part of it, I suspected, was because she couldn't do it. But it had only widened the rift that had always been in our relationship, so to remedy it our parents sent us to a summer camp that emphasized sisterly bonding. It was my sheer bad luck that there were no owls there that understood about the Owl Post, so I couldn't get in touch with any of my friends.

And I did think of James. I thought of him every day, every night, and every minute in between. And by the time Petunia and I were packing our things to return home during the last week of August, I knew two things: that Petunia and I would never have the close relationship my parents wanted, and that I was in love with James Potter.

There was no denying the latter fact. He consumed my thoughts, fell into every dream I had, and seemed to work a magic all his own over my heart, soul, mind, and body. I was so in love with him that sometimes I would think of him, and find it hard to breathe. Everything about him was so utterly wonderful. So, of course, I grew terribly afraid to see him again in the few days before September 1.

I reassured my parents that I didn't mind them just dropping me off at King's Cross Station that morning, and kissed them good-bye before they left to see Petunia off to her boarding school. I pushed my trunk in front of me, not really watching where I was going, but looking for James desperately. I made it to Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters, pinning the prefect badge onto my robe, which I had already changed into. I wasn't really watching the students who were boarding the train - I was still looking for James. He was late.

I saw Peter, who hadn't made prefect - he hugged me briefly, then hurried to save our compartment for us. Remus and Sirius were prefects, though, and they took my trunk aboard for me and made short work of directing the first years to where they needed to go. But neither of them had seen James.

Creeping little threads of concern were beginning to weave themselves into my mind. What if, for some reason, he wasn't coming back? What if he was so angry with me, he was avoiding me? What if he'd found someone else over the summer while I hadn't been able to write to him? My stomach began to perform acrobatics inside of me as I fidgeted, nervously waiting for his arrival.

And then I saw him - his tall, lanky body, his mad black hair, his blue eyes behind those familiar gold spectacles. He was simultaneously carrying his luggage and a first year girls', leading her towards the train, and fastening his prefect badge. But right as I saw him, he spotted me as well. I smiled shyly - his face broke into a wide, gleeful grin.

"James!" I called, feeling my whole body tingle.

"Lily!" he shouted, dropping the luggage and running to me. I ran to him too, and he swept me up into his arms and swung me around - and we kissed again, and again, and again.

"James, oh, how I missed you!" I cried.

"I missed you too! You never wrote!"

"I was at a camp, there was no owl post!"

"All I could think about was you!"

"All I thought about was YOU!"

We kept talking over each other, saying things like this, kissing intermittently and holding each other. Then somewhere in the background, we heard three easily recognizable voices making good-natured fun of us.

"Oh, James, how I missed you!" cried Sirius in delight, mimicking my voice. He pretended to swoon in Remus's arms, as the blond boy said, "Lily, my love, I thought of you every day and night!" Peter, on the train, was laughing so hard he couldn't speak. James and I let go and blushed a bit, straightening our robes and brushing our hair back into place - my hair, anyway; James's had always been uncontrollable.

They gave us a hard time on the train, but from that moment on we were a couple, and it was the happiest time of my life. I had three amazing best friends and one perfect boyfriend - a boyfriend whom I only grew to love more as time went on. Our fifth year, that summer, and most of our sixth year was nothing short of perfect. We all stayed at each other's houses the summer between fifth and sixth year - we danced, we laughed, we flew our broomsticks all around our yards. It was, truly, a perfect time. Then things went wrong.

I had never been faced with the loss of a parent before. I never knew my maternal grandparents, as my mother was adopted; my father's parents had passed away within a few years of each other when I was in grammar school. That was as close as I'd come - both of my parents were alive and healthy. So, I didn't really know what to do that night in sixth year when Remus burst into my dormitory and shook me awake.

"Lily..." he whispered. "Lily, please wake up."

"Hmnh?" I groaned. Remus's hands were on my shoulders, moving me gently. "Wha - what's wrong?"

"It's James. Please, wake up, you have to go to him--"

"James?" I fought to sit up, gaining alertness with every minute. I didn't remember to whisper, I was so startled. "What's wrong with James?"

"It's - he's had some bad news, he's in Dumbledore's office right now."

"Is he all right?"

"Yes - shh. The other girls are asleep. Just please get up and come see him." The sliver of moonlight through the window illuminated Remus's blond hair and face, and I knew I'd never seen him look so concerned before. I threw the covers off and stood up, kicking around for my slippers. Remus reached for the bathrobe I'd draped over my desk chair and held it up so I could slip my arms inside the sleeves.

"Remus, please," I said, turning to face him and taking his hands in mine. "Please, tell me what's wrong."

He dropped his gaze to the floor. "Lily...James's mother passed away."

I gasped. "Oh, no!" I whispered, feeling my eyes brim with tears. "Not Eilie. Please..."

He nodded slowly, and sniffed. "She was ill...James's aunt owled Dumbledore with the news. His mother didn't want anyone to know she was sick because she thought it would pass. And his father's on assignment, we're not sure if he knows yet - we don't know where he is..."

A few tears began to slide down my cheeks - I was always what my mother called 'tenderhearted,' I always cried. But I sniffed and tried to hold in my tears. James would need me to be strong. "We need to go," I whispered, and he nodded in assent. I held his hand like we were two children afraid of the dark, and let him lead me out of the room, through the stairs, and up the passageway to Dumbledore's office.

Professor Dumbledore himself was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the only people there were Sirius and Peter, who were sitting on the couch, with James between them. Peter didn't seem to know what to do - Sirius had an arm around James's shoulders, and was speaking softly to him. James, however, was sitting there silently, his glasses still on, his face ashen but without tears. His eyes were blank - it was as if he didn't really understand what was going on. It broke my heart.

"James," I called, my voice cracking, and he looked up.

"Lily," he whispered, and Sirius pulled back so he could stand up. James took a step to me and then seemed to fall into my arms, resting on me, hiding his face in the shoulder of my nightgown. Peter and Sirius moved so we could sit down, and I managed to walk him to the couch before he burst into sobs. I felt his hot tears soaking my gown, his hands clutching me as if he had nothing else to hold onto.

"James, I'm so sorry," I whispered, holding him. I just let him cry - I didn't know what to do. At one point I lifted his face and gently removed his glasses, handing them to Remus, who stood ready. Sirius passed me a handkerchief and I pressed that into James's hand, but he didn't wipe his face.

He didn't cry for long - he was too proud. His tears slowed, and he stopped crying, and he wiped his face and blew his nose. The other boys crowded onto the couch with us, all laying a hand on James or touching him somehow, to reassure him with their presence. And James leaned onto my shoulder and lay there, closing his eyes, not crying but still trembling. I stroked his hair lightly and whispered to him, just whispered comforting words and told him I loved him, we all loved him.

We stayed there for a long time. Finally, both Dumbledore and McGonagall entered the office, sympathetically suggesting that we return to our dormitories and rest. We were all five excused from the next day's classes.

We walked James to the dormitory, tucked him into bed, and stayed there with him for the remainder of the night. We sat on his bed, or on Sirius's bed next to his, and remained quiet. We just didn't want to leave him. At last he drifted off to a fitful sleep, and didn't wake up for breakfast or morning classes. Remus, Sirius, and Peter went to the Great Hall to bring us some food, and we ate in the boys' dormitory and quietly talked about classes or simple things. Sirius told me what the letter had said: that his mother had been feeling under the weather, then had gone to her sister's house rather than stay alone in her own home. She was bedridden after four days; three days following that, she was comatose. She slept peacefully until she stopped breathing. Wizard doctors were looking into the cause of death, but the symptoms pointed to the Guinea-Bissau Sleeping Disease. It was a mystery how she'd contracted that.

And the four of us stayed with James, not letting him alone for a second for the next two weeks. We let him cry, sleep, talk, eat, study, or just think, but we didn't want him to do it alone. We went to the funeral with him, which his father managed to attend - he'd been contacted in Ecuador just in time. James thanked us several times over, but we dismissed it. What else were friends for?

So, life seemed to return to some kind of normalcy after this. Eilie Potter passed away in November - it was February before anyone felt remotely cheerful again. And then, just as things seemed to be going all right, Sirius had to invite Severus Snape to see what they were up to the night of March's full moon. I could have killed Sirius for that prank - that disaster. Remus and James nearly did kill him. I had never seen either of them that angry before.

It was two days after the full moon. Remus was well enough to attend classes and meals with us. James and Peter had not spoken to Sirius since the night - I wasn't sure what to do. James, Remus, Peter, and I were in the boys' dormitory after supper, talking guardedly about the day's Transfiguration lesson, when Sirius entered the room.

He didn't look any of us in the eye, just slunk to his bed and picked up his cloak. He was preparing to report to his detention, which I believe was cleaning the dungeons with Apollyon Pringle, the decidedly creepy caretaker. Sirius remained silent as he tied folded the cloak over his arm and turned to leave the room - but he made the mistake of looking James in the eye.

James glared at him for a second, then stood up abruptly and began shouting, venting his anger on his best friend. "Get out, Sirius! Before you try to get us all killed a second time!"

Sirius turned to make a quick exit, but James called out again, "Where the hell do you think you're going?"

This was too much for Sirius - he turned and faced James, flushed. "You just told me to get out, James! Make up your mind!"

"Make up my mind? You need to make up YOUR mind - and decide who your friends are!" James shouted. "Because they're certainly not us, not after what you did two nights ago!"

"I've already apologized--"

"But that's not enough!" Remus snapped, and he stood as well. "Do you have any idea what you did, Sirius? I could have killed Snape - I could have killed James or Peter or Lily." He approached Sirius very fast, pointing his finger in the taller boy's face to make his statement. "Do you know what happens to werewolves who attack humans? Do you?" Slowly Sirius shook his head. "They go to Azkaban! Azkaban, Sirius!"

Sirius's face crumpled, but he would never cry. "I said I was sorry. You don't know how sorry I am."

"Sorry wouldn't do me a damn thing if I were rotting in Azkaban now--"

"Remus, please, don't talk like that," begged Peter, shuddering where he sat on his bed.

"Why?" James yelled, rounding on Peter. "It's the truth!"

"Leave Peter alone!" Sirius cut in.

"You shut up!" both James and Remus cried simultaneously.

"You gave away our secret, Sirius," accused James. "You broke our Marauder Promise NOT to let anyone ever know that we are Animagi. If Snape tells Dumbledore that, we're all in trouble with the Ministry. You know that? D'you want YOUR family facing an inquiry about the illegal use of magic?"

"No," Sirius admitted, "Of course I don't."

"You could have fooled me!" James cried, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Stop it, all of you!" I exclaimed, and I too stood up. "Yelling at each other will get you nowhere. The point is it's over, and there's nothing you can do about it except go on and be more careful--"

"You don't understand," Remus said, his voice only a tad gentle - he was still so angry. "I could have been sent to Azkaban. We could have all been killed. We could still be investigated by the Ministry of Magic. The Ministry of Magic, Lily! If they find out..." He trailed off, unable to summon words horrible enough to describe what would happen to them: they would become outcasts. No one would ever hire someone who was devious enough to become an unregistered Animagus, much less at such a young age.

"But Dumbledore will never let that happen," I protested.

"Oh, how do you know?" Sirius barked.

"Don't talk to her!" James ordered.

"I can talk to anyone I want!" he retorted.

"Stop it, guys!" Peter insisted, his voice reaching a whiny pitch.

"Sod off, will you?" Sirius told him.

"Don't talk to him either!" James said.

"James, you're being ridiculous!" I cried.

"Sirius is the ridiculous one!" Remus shouted. "No, on second thought, you all are! Sirius and Peter and, yes, you, James! Becoming Animagi in the first place was the worst idea you've ever had! If it weren't for you three, no one would know about me!"

"Fine! If that's the way you feel, then you don't need us!" James bellowed.

"You git! Without Remus or Sirius, there is no us," Peter pointed out.

"Oh." James turned to look at Peter, then turned his gaze on the other boys as well. I was watching in shock. "Then I guess it's a mutual decision."

"...What is?" Peter asked hesitatingly. Remus and Sirius were glaring at each other from across the room.

James fixed them all with his scowl. "To dissolve the Marauders. Forget this. Whatever we've done, it's over."

"Agreed," Remus seconded immediately.

"Fine." Sirius opened the door.

"...Yeah, fine." Peter's reply was lost in the slamming of the door. But after a second he stood up and went to the door. He opened it, hesitated, looked back, then left without another word.

Remus looked over at James, shook his head, then left as well. Now that we were alone in the dorm, James sat heavily on his bed. It was my turn to speak my mind.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" I shrieked, appalled at his behavior. I took him by the shoulders and made him look at me. "What were you thinking? Those were your best friends!"

"Right. Were," James said bitterly.

"ARE!" I shrieked again. "James Potter, you and the rest of the Marauders are idiots--"

"Lily, there are no more Marauders!" he said sharply, shaking me off of him. I stepped back and stared. He had never yelled at me before. He must have realized this, too, because his voice immediately changed. "Lily, I - I'm sorry, please. I didn't mean to yell--"

"Sort out your own problems, James," I muttered, walking away.

"Lily, no--"

"I'll be back when you're thinking clearly. Obviously you're not now." And I followed the exits of the other three boys and slammed the door behind me.

The rest of the year was slow and terrible. James and I made up, of course, but we had far less to say to each other. He was still smarting over the abandonment of the best friends he'd kept since our first year, and I was still angry that he would instigate the discarding of those friendships. I made it a point to remain on good terms with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, but each of them were just as bitter as James about the end of the Marauders. Severus Snape, on the other hand, seemed in incredibly good spirits for the rest of the term. None of us sat together on the train ride home.

By the time September 1 rolled around, and I'd received the letter and badge that went along with my position as Head Girl, I'd had enough. I wasn't going to let us spend our seventh year at Hogwarts fighting and hating each other, and hating the memory of what we used to be. When it was time to board the Hogwarts Express, I strode on board with as much power and purpose as Professor McGonagall breaking up a post-Quidditch-match party in the common room.

I found all four boys in separate compartments - but no one had sat in 'our' compartment in the back of the train yet, either. "Hello, get up," I snapped at each of them, pulling them up by the collars of their robes and giving them a shove towards the back of the train. I believe they were so shocked, they forgot to protest.

They sat in the compartment, arms crossed, none of them looking at each other. I closed the door behind me and glared at them. "All right, you gits, I've had enough. You've all been miserable since last March and you've been giving me a rough time of it, too."

"Lily--" James began, but I cut him off sharply.

"This is my turn, James." He didn't say another word.

They watched me with confused eyes as I went on. "I don't know why you couldn't settle your differences then, but perhaps you've grown up enough since the incident in question to admit that you all were wrong, and that you all still want to be friends."

They began to protest, but I held up my hand. "I know this is true. I talked to all of you this summer. I know what you've told me...and what you haven't."

I stepped to Peter's side, laying my hand on his shoulder. "Peter is scared that he's lost his best friends for good. What happened to helping each other out? Wasn't that one of your Marauder Promises to each other? Well, Peter just skimmed by on his Potions final last year, and you were all too busy arguing with each other to help him study like you used to do. Who in here feels sorry that he let his friend down?" As I had hoped, the other three boys' eyes were suddenly fixated on the floor in shame.

I approached Remus next. "Remus can hardly forgive himself for putting you three, me, and Snape in danger. Can you?" He shook his head very slowly. "Because Remus loves you all more than anything. He's never had such true friends. No one else has ever accepted him for what he is. Can you imagine how he'd feel if he was responsible for hurting you? Who in here feels sorry that he put his friend in this position?" Now the boys were beginning to pick up a healthy blush around their cheeks and ears.

Sirius was my next target. "Sirius is sorrier than any of you will ever understand. He knows what he did, and he knows the consequences. His exact words were, 'I wish I could take all the consequences upon myself so my friends wouldn't suffer. I would give my life to take it back.' And you said he didn't understand what he did. Who in here feels sorry that he won't forgive his friend for a mistake?" They finally started to look up, to glance at each other, to make eye contact in search of answers.

James was last. "James has been just as lost as the rest of you without the Marauders. What happened to being best friends forever? What happened to always supporting, always understanding, always caring? How could you all desert each other like this when it was really the time that you needed each other the most? And why? Because you're too proud to apologize and remain friends?" I paused. "Who in here feels sorry that he didn't think of this first?"

They were silent. I went back to the door and opened it, leaving after saying, "I'll let you boys sort this out yourselves."

I never found out what they said in there, but my tirade must have worked, because when I went back in a half-hour later they were laughing and carrying on and slapping each other's backs like they had never been apart. Maybe they apologized - maybe they broke down and bared their souls - maybe they just shrugged and started joking on Snape's greasy hair like they always had. But the point was, the Marauders were back in session, and life was back to some kind of normal.

I said it, and I meant it: I took care of my boys. I loved them, and I wouldn't ever sit back and watch them ruin something wonderful. My three best friends and my true love - I cared for them more than most would have ever guessed. But I was always the First Lady of the Marauders, and I took my duties seriously.