The Marauder Monologues

PETER PETTIGREW: "Protected"

The one thing I liked about Lord Voldemort was that he let you know how he felt about you. If he thought that you were scum, he told you that you were scum. If he thought that you were great, he told you that you were great. Always. There was no questioning how he felt, if he was going to exclude you, if he was angry at you for something stupid you did in your Transfiguration class--

Not like the guys. James and Sirius and Remus were always a little far away from me. They were all taller and better looking and smarter, and it was like they spoke their own language. They had their own signs and facial expressions and everything - like they could read each other's bodies and not even have to talk about the plans that I obviously didn't understand.

I knew I was never as smart or as talented as they were. I didn't even pretend to be. But I did like being around them. They were really cool, back at Hogwarts. They were the most popular boys of the year - James was so noble, and Sirius was a prankster, and Remus was mysterious. I was just the fat kid, as usual. But they did stick up for me quite a bit: it began with them protecting me from the bullies on the train, and gradually we all fell into the habit of letting them speak for me or threaten to hex anyone who thought it would be funny to pick on me. Sirius had a great time using the Jelly-Legs Curse on the guy who was levitating all my books out of my reach.

I got used to being protected by the guys, and got scared that when we graduated, maybe I wouldn't be. I think that's part of why I just sort of ended up in Lord Voldemort's company. Not that I was evil or hated all Muggles or anything - I really didn't care. I just didn't seem to have a place with the guys anymore. Then I realized I'd never really had a place to begin with. I was just the one they were protecting.

The reason our third year was so hard, I think, was because in addition to classes we finally realized that Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters weren't just something for our parents to deal with, but a thing of our generation as well. They were going to affect us - they had already done so. We knew that Zebedius Oates and Kirkman Kantorovitz were affiliated with the Death Eaters. We heard the rumors about the secret meetings that went on in the Slytherin tower after midnight. There were a dozen people in school, all Slytherins, whom we heard were attending those meetings regularly. But it was just rumor. It was a taboo subject, really. No one talked politics in school, it just wasn't allowed.

If we had talked about it, fights would have broken out. I'm sure of it. Hogwarts would have crumbled in around itself, had everyone's true intentions been revealed. But Hogwarts has always been a safe place, untouched by the outside world - for the most part.

I was coming back from the library with a book on the history of transfiguration, because James and Sirius had talked about us trying the Animagi thing again that night. That was coming along slowly, of course. And that's when I heard the whispering - somewhere in front of me, around the corner. I thought I'd just walk by, but then I caught a few of the words.

"...Mudblood Evans...always got those boys around her, but if we could catch her after...teach her a thing or two..."

Lily. That was who they were talking about, because she was Muggle-born. If you were Muggle-born, the Slytherins made sure everyone in the school knew it.

"...stupid Potter, doesn't know what's good for him...my father says..."

But I didn't get to hear what his father said, because another voice shushed him right away. "Someone's out there," he whispered.

I thought to turn around, and I did, but I had barely begun walking back to the library when the footsteps began and caught up with me. Of course it was Oates and Kantorovitz. They took me by the arms, the book fell to the ground, and they pinned me against the nearest wall.

"Spying on us, Pettigrew?" Oates asked, his face inches from mine. I'd always disliked him the most. He was the one who stepped on me on the Express my first day of school.

"N-no!" I stammered, breathing fast. My friends weren't there to help me now, a fact I noticed.

Kantorovitz was pulling out his wand, grinning with his crooked teeth. "Are you sure? We might need to wipe your memory, make sure you don't go telling people things they don't need to know."

"We know you're Potter's little stooge," Oates added.

"We could just Obliviate everything you ever learned." Kantorovitz laughed. I began to panic. I believed they could completely wipe my memory, and then where would I be? I wouldn't know a thing. I wouldn't even remember who'd done it to me.

"No," I pleaded. "P-please - don't. I didn't hear anything."

"Are you sure?" Oates sneered. "Maybe we better make sure..." He waved his wand a little, shook it in front of me, and ordered, "Confessio!"

Immediately I had this urge to tell him everything I'd heard - so I did. "Lily is a Mudblood - you're going to teach her a thing or two - James doesn't know what's good for him - your father says something - didn't hear anything else."

They were laughing - he shook the wand again and I shut up. "Sounds like you might go telling your pals a few things, Pettigrew," Oates remarked. "Kirk, you'd better make sure he don't remember anything he heard here..."

And as Kantorovitz was raising the wand and opening his mouth, I heard someone shout, "Expelliarmus!" somewhere down the hallway. The wands flew out of both of their hands, and we all watched them caught by Sirius Black. Remus was watching us with crossed arms - James looked angry enough to breathe fire.

The three of them approached us. Remus took my arm and pulled me away from the bullies, who were now focusing on the taller boys. James stood directly in front of Oates, who was a four inches taller than him, and said, "If you want to say something to me, Oates, say it to my face."

"Ain't got nothing to say to you," Oates sneered, turning with Kantorovitz and walking away. James started to go after them, but Remus and Sirius held him back.

James kept yelling, "Don't you touch Lily Evans, you--" And he used a word I'd never heard cross his lips before. "You hear me? Don't touch her!"

"James, it's all right," Remus said, turning James to face him. Beneath the glasses, James's eyes were wild. "It's all right," Remus repeated.

He swore again, under his breath, while Sirius tried to calm him. "Listen, they won't hurt her. They're all talk. Remember how Lily broke his nose last year? They'd be too scared to mess with her. Lily's tough stuff."

James was still breathing hard. "Right," he finally said, forcing himself to agree. "Right." He looked over at me next. "You all right, Peter?" he asked.

"Yeah," I squeaked, still scared out of my wits. I picked up the book. "Stupid thing, walking back alone, I know, but I didn't think they'd be around here--"

"And you heard them whispering?" Sirius questioned.

"Yeah - just the things you heard me repeat to them, though." I couldn't even make a good accidental spy for them, I was just clumsy now.

"Okay," James said, thinking for a moment. He couldn't come up with anything else to say or do, though. I hadn't really seen him upset like this.

Finally, Remus solved it. "Come on, guys, we'll have Transfiguration in a minute, and that's all the way on the fourth floor. Let's just go." And we just started walking. I felt like such a dunce. I had been so proud that I was getting some reading on our greatest adventure to date, and now I hadn't even told them. I was so embarrassed.

Then there were the times I just felt like I didn't have a place with them. I remember a few specific things: like somewhere in our third or fourth year, during our spring holiday, when we all stayed at school together. It was late evening and they were all sitting on the furniture together in the common room, just talking in front of the fire. I came up behind them. Remus and Sirius were sitting with Carline and Tatiana on the couch - James and Lily were sharing a chair, trying to hold hands in a way no one would notice. They had to remember to scoot over and make room for me...they hadn't saved me a seat. It's a stupid thing to remember, I know, but if I had been Remus or Sirius or James they would have left room for me.

Sometimes I wondered if they really wanted me around them at all, and then one of them would remind me about something we'd planned to do - maybe it was the night of the full moon, or maybe we were going to meet in Hogsmeade together. When the Gryffindor team wasn't playing, James and Sirius came with all the rest of us to watch the House Quidditch games. They were really good players, both of them, except Sirius got kicked off the team in his sixth year. Served him right, though.

Lily was always nice to me - she made sure I wasn't excluded. By the time our fourth year rolled around, I felt like the biggest, dumbest loser to every be misplaced in Gryffindor House. But Lily would smile at me when other girls really didn't. I never liked her like that, wouldn't have ever dreamed of it, because I didn't want to set myself up for another failure.

Things got better by our fifth year, though. When we all finally became Animagi, and we set out on those adventures once a month - that was one time I really felt like I belonged. I was one of the Marauders. I was part of a secret that could never be revealed. Secretly...it made me feel kind of good, to know I had that power over the guys. That I could tell someone that they knew how to become Animagi, or that one of us was a werewolf, and all hell would break loose. I would never have told them that, though. I knew better.

We were so close to becoming Animagi in our fourth year, it was simply driving us crazy. I think we were focusing so much on that, that we missed all the clues about Professor Rosier until it was almost too late. Evan Rosier had been our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for all the years we'd been in school, and we thought he wasn't half-bad. At least his class was better than Binns' 'History of Boredom,' as we took to calling it.

Things started small - we thought we saw him sneaking out of the castle and into the forest one night, when we were outside. It was a full moon, but we hadn't started going to the Shrieking Shack yet because we weren't Animagi. There we were, by the Whomping Willow, and we recognized his white-blond hair creeping into the Forbidden Forest. We started to follow him, but then the Centaurs stopped us, giving us some cryptic warning about what the stars predicted, so we turned back.

And one day in class, Professor Rosier kept staring at James. We weren't sure why - it was just unusual. And he went off telling us about the Unforgivable Curses, and still kept watching James. Then he demonstrated the Imperius Curse - on a 'volunteer' from the class, who just happened to be James. After watching James scrape himself up while falling to the floor two or three times, refusing to dance or hop like Rosier commanded, Sirius decided he'd had enough and 'insisted' that he go next. Then the whole class wanted to take turns - the Marauders just made sure James stayed out of the line.

But things really took a turn for the weird at lunch one day, when we were sitting together in our usual spots. The House tables were always divided into sets of eight, you could mark of sections that way. And most of our year sat together, always at the second section from the front of the room. We sat there every time, just like clockwork. It was the Marauders, Lily and her two friends, and a seat for whomever else joined us. That day, it was Frank Longbottom. He was a seventh year and a prefect, and going into the Ministry upon graduation to become an Auror. James was asking him about the job qualifications.

Then Remus got this odd look on his face - and I got sort of nervous, because I thought, 'What if he transforms right here in the Great Hall?', but then I remembered that the next full moon wasn't for two weeks, and anyway it was broad daylight, as we could see from the enchanted ceiling. But he looked really strange. Everyone except him had started putting food on their plates, and then he started smelling things. Like you could see his nose twitching. Then he picked up one of the sandwiches on the tray before us, and held it up to his nose so he could get a good whiff. Sirius noticed him doing this.

"Remus, what on earth are you doing?" he laughed. Remus didn't answer. "Smell good?" Sirius teased.

Suddenly, he threw the sandwich down on his plate. "Don't eat it," he said sharply, and we all turned to look at him. He was in the middle of our section, so I don't think anyone else from the table heard him. "Just - don't eat it," he repeated.

"Remus?" Lily asked, getting all concerned. "Are you feeling all right?"

"There's something wrong with this food," he told us, his gray eyes growing wider every second.

"No, I don't think so," said Carline. She and Tatiana exchanged glances.

"Yes, there is!" he insisted.

"Just calm down, Remus," Frank said, as James remarked, "No, it looks all right to me." He lifted one of the sandwiches in question to his mouth.

"Don't eat it!" Remus shouted, and grabbed it from his hand. He threw that one down too, as if touching them too long would contaminate us. "You don't see it - can't you smell it? Can't you?" And he looked round at us pleadingly, with those big eyes. "They're - bad."

"Is this a joke?" Sirius laughed.

"Come on, Remus, let's go see Madam Pomfrey," Lily said, standing up and reaching over the table as if to help Remus up as well. "Maybe you're just...just tired or something."

"No! I'm not tired!" His voice was growing louder with every sentence. "You can't eat this! Don't touch anything!"

"Mr. Lupin!" came a sharp voice behind us, and I jumped in my seat. Professor McGonagall had noticed the commotion, as had several other tables, and come to tell us to keep it down. "May I ask what you think you are playing at?"

"Professor," he gasped in relief, "look, something's wrong with the food, there's something bad in it - you can smell it."

"I smell nothing, Mr. Lupin." Her voice began to lose the sharp tone and gain a concerned quality to it.

"You can!" He was starting to become hysterical. "I'm not joking, it's - don't touch it!" he shrieked, seeing Sirius pick up a nearby tart. Sirius dropped it in shock. We were all staring at him now.

"Please, sit down," Professor McGonagall said, forcing her voice to take on a soothing note. Lily seemed close to tears. "If it will make you feel better, I will have someone inspect the food for you. Just a moment." She returned to the high table while we all stared at Remus, who was now shaking where he sat, breathing hard.

Professor Dumbledore came to our table next, his step quick. "Professor McGonagall tells me something is wrong, Remus," he said gently.

"Yes, Professor," Remus replied, his voice shaking as much as his body. "You'll think I'm crazy, but there's something wrong with the food, I swear there is, I am not making this up - I can smell it..." And his voice seemed to give out. I could see him trying to remain calm - trying not to burst into tears or screams.

Dumbledore did the only thing that could have calmed Remus at the moment. He simply said, "I believe you." Then we all stared at the headmaster, dumbstruck. He ignored us, took out his wand, and tapped it on the sandwich tray, commanding, "Acclaro." A Revealing spell.

And, to our horror, tiny purple dots began to appear on the bread. And the meat. And the cheese. Then it started to look like purple veins. And it spread - purple dots and veins and swirls began to show on our tarts, in our glasses of pumpkin juice, everywhere. And we just knew that whatever the purple substance was, it was very, very bad. Carline gave a little shriek. Remus looked as though he was trying to hold in tears again. "I told you so," he said to us very quietly.

"Amicio!" Dumbledore shouted a Covering spell, and instantly the food at everyone else's tables was covered by some kind of glass. Students began to grumble or complain; some stood up to see what was going on. The seven of us just sat there as Remus looked up at Dumbledore, relieved. "You smelled it?" he asked Remus, with a hint of astonishment in his voice. Remus just nodded.

"Stand up, please," said Dumbledore. Remus did so, still trembling; then Professor Dumbledore took his hand and shook it firmly. "Thank you, Remus," he said softly. "You have just saved your friends' lives." Releasing Remus's hand, he returned to the teachers' table with an, "Excuse me."

It turned out there was nothing else in any other table's food. Just our section - which means that someone knew we sat there every day, someone deliberately placed what was identified as a fatal poison in our lunch, someone wanted one or more of us dead. The entire kitchen staff, which of course was all house-elves, was given Veritaserum for their testimony to the school board and Dumbledore. They revealed only one clue: that the 'rosy man' had given them a 'special seasoning' for section of one table, and they had felt strangely compelled to follow his orders. But before Professor Rosier could be convicted of using the Imperius Curse on the house-elves and attempting to poison his own students, the Ministry of Magic found him guilty of consorting with Death Eaters. His contract at Hogwarts was immediately terminated and he disappeared before the poisoning trial.

Rosier turned up a few years later, this time as a confirmed Death Eater. Rather than be sent to Azkaban, he was killed in a fight with Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody.

We sat together in front of the fire that night, on the red furniture. Long past lights out, we just sat there, squeezed onto the couch and the two armchairs. We didn't really say anything - we were still in a bit of shock. Classes were cancelled for the afternoon; we had been sent to our towers to wait for news on the origin of the poison. Somewhere around eleven o'clock, Lily very suddenly stood up, walked over to where Remus sat on the end of the couch, and wrapped her arms around him and sobbed. It sounded like she kept repeating the words 'thank you.' Then it was like an unstoppable train, a procession of all of us thanking and apologizing to Remus at the same time. It was surreal.

I patted him on the arm and murmured my thanks. I was thinking of how I'd been saved once again by my friends, but how they'd neglected, once again, to remember I would sit with them during the evening. Where did that put me?