The Dead (Parrot) Wizard Sketch

Customer: [Enters shop, levitating the body of Sirius Black behind her.]

Shopkeeper: "Hallo. What can I do for you?"

Customer: "I wish to register a complaint regarding the wizard I bought from your store half an hour ago."

Shopkeeper: [looking slightly shifty] "Ah yes, Mr. Sirius Black. Comes from a most noble and distinguished Pureblood lineage, and has great hair to boot. What's wrong with him?"

Customer: "He's dead."

Shopkeeper: "Oh no. I mean, nonono, he's not dead. He's um... taking a nap."

Customer: "Look here, I know a dead man when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

Shopkeeper: "No, he's just sleeping! Remarkable wizard, this one: handsome, emotionally complex, and virile as a stud. And just look at the lovely tresses..."

Customer: "Forget about the hair, he's --"

Shopkeeper: "But it's one of his best selling points. Long, black, luxuriantly flowing, and 100% fanon."

Customer: "Forget the hair! Not even Sirius Black would care about the state of his silky obsidian locks when he's bleeding demised!"

Shopkeeper: "But he was sitting up when you bought him."

Customer: "I took the liberty of examining him when I got home, and the only reason he could sit was because you'd stuck his bum to the display with an extra-sticky adhesion charm!"

Shopkeeper: "I um...had to. He'd have risen up and scampered off otherwise."

Customer: "Risen? You couldn't get a rise out of him if you paraded out Harry in his birthday suit, Snape on a leash, and Remus Lupin in a frilly French maid outfit singing 'Happy Days are Here Again'!"

Shopkeeper: "Well, he may be a tad tired out at the moment and sleeping very deeply..."

Customer: "He's already entered the eternal sleep! Look!"

[Customer holds a mirror in front of Black's face, no breath fogs the glass. Hits Black's knee with a hammer, Black's leg does not move. Flicks Black on the forehead, he keels over, stiff as a board.]

Shopkeeper: "He's just resting."

Customer: "He is resting in peace! He has fallen beyond the Veil and left us forever. He's kicked the bucket, dead as a doornail, gone to doggie heaven, given up the ghost, he is standing outside the Pearly Gates and making a pass at St. Peter as we speak! This wizard is absolutely, irrevocably, without a shadow of a doubt DECEASED!!!"

Shopkeeper: "Well, truth be told, all the Blacks are."

Customer: "He's no use to me dead."

Shopkeeper: "He still makes pretty eye-candy. You could use him as a lawn ornament, deck him with holly and twinkling lights at Christmas, or turn him into a ventriloquist's dummy!"

Customer: [Crosses arms over chest and looks decidedly unimpressed]

Shopkeeper: "Why'd you need him alive anyway?"

Customer: "Look, I'm a slasher. I want to see my men snogging, groping, and shagging each other senseless around the clock. A dead Black is simply no good!"

Shopkeeper: [Opens mouth]

Customer: "And before you mention it, necrophilia is really not my cup of tea."

Shopkeeper: [Closes mouth]

Shopkeeper: "I can offer you a replacement." [Begins hefting a human-shaped bundle out of the dusty backroom]

Customer: "Does he radiate bad-boy sex appeal in his youth, grow up to become a beguiling contradiction of arrogance and compassion, and endure twelve years of suffering without losing his ruggedly handsome good looks?"

Shopkeeper: "Erm... no." [Drops the bundle with a loud thump]

Customer: "I'm not leaving this store until I get a living Sirius Black!"

Shopkeeper: "But the author said --"

Customer: "I don't care! Give me a time-turner, a necromancer, a bloody miracle, I'll take anything that makes Sirius live again!"

Shopkeeper: "But JKR herself wrote that Black fell and... Oh wait, I have the perfect solution!" [Hands customer a small sticker]

Customer: [A huge grin slowly spreads across her face. She slaps the sticker marked 'AU' on Black's forehead, and exits with a living, breathing Sirius in tow]

Shopkeeper: "Thank you, come again!"

*The End*