Jarry Ponder and the Operative's Rock

Chapter 4: The Keeper Who Loved Me

The giant of a man merely nodded to Jarry, and flashed a grin at the No's, before speaking. "Jarreh, quick, enemeh agents've got us surrounded! It's a trap!"

Jarry looked around, confused by the immense man's words, but was startled to see hundreds of men with all sorts of weaponry all along the beach. Julius No had pushed the boat over, fully exposing himself and the others that had been under it, and was looking generally very pleased with himself.

"Yes! That's right, Mr. Ponder, it's a trap! I knew they would come for you eventually... But I took a vow not to let you become a... A WIZARD! And I intend to keep it," Julius yelled, revealing his dastardly (though tastefully simple) plan.

"A what now?" Jarry asked, looking very confused.

"Yer a wizard, Jarreh! And a spy! Sort've a secret triple agent, or sommat like that, since yeh didn't even know about it yerself," the man shrugged. "Now, we're gonna hafter work hard to get outta this one. Yeh'll hafter trust me, Jarreh! Yeh don't know me.. Not socially. But m'name's Haggard Jaws. I kill people." Haggard flashed Jarry a steel-toothed grin, and with the introduction out of the way, began judging the situation.

"Jarreh! Yer gonna hafter fight off No, I'll take care o' the minions!" Haggard yelled, and charged toward the nearest group of thugs. Jarry decided that this was his best shot, and turned to face No- But Julius and Defnitly had a good head start on him, running for the water. Jarry gave chase, and saw an enormous submarine rising from the water in the direction the No's were running. He knew he would have to think fast, or lose this chance and let No escape. He set his mind to thinking of a plan, but this distraction caused him to run right into an obstacle in his path. He hadn't even noticed Juanita standing there, waiting for him, until he had already rebounded off her and fell flat on his back. Jarry glanced past her and saw the No's boarding a small boat headed out to the submarine, and knew that he was already too late to get to them. At least, he thought, he would take out Juanita...

Jarry was about to check on Haggard before engaging in mortal combat with Juanita, but decided there was no need as two henchmen flew over his head and landed quite a distance away. Neither of them got back up. Jarry leapt to his feet, got into a fighting stance he'd learned in the alley behind K-Mart, and began circling his foe. Now that he had the chance to be observant, he noted Juanita held two knitting needles like daggers. Unarmed, Jarry knew this fight would be a difficult one, but he had to do his part- for Haggard, if for no other reason. He had experience fighting Juanita, so it wouldn't be anything he wasn't used to... But this time there would be no room for errors. This time, it was live and let die.

Jarry threw the first punch, and from there it was all a blur. Juanita managed to score a direct hit to his left thigh with a knitting needle, and he knew he was bleeding heavily. He managed a few good hits to Juanita's head, knocking her back some but she seemed to be only minimally injured. Juanita fought dirty, and tried to trip him several times while keeping him focused on the needles, but each time he recovered before she could strike a mortal blow. The fight continued for what seemed like an endless stretch of time, Juanita trying to cheat her way to victory and Jarry trying desperately to win while unarmed. In fact, there's no telling how long it might have gone on, if Haggard hadn't finished disposing of the minions and saw the peril Jarry was facing.

"JARREH! Catch!" He shouted, throwing his unicycle Jarry's way, intending for Jarry to use it as a weapon. Luckily for Jarry, he didn't try to catch it and it instead hit Juanita full-on, flattening her into the sand before bouncing off. The duel halted, Haggard ran over to Jarry and cast a quick healing spell- Jarry couldn't believe his eyes.

"Then it is true! I'm a wizard!" Jarry gasped in awe, and Haggard merely nodded his head.

"Aye, but we've got ter hurreh! Jarreh- your mission, should you choose to accept it, is ter go ter Pigpimples School of Witchcraft and Gadgetry. There, yeh'll learn the finer points to bein' both a wizard and a spy," Haggard said, breathing deeply. "And if yeh accept, we've got ter go see the- well, suffice it ter say we've got ter hurreh!"

Jarry nodded his head, quickly, stating that he accepted the mission. Haggard nodded in approval, gave Jarry a quick smile, and then grabbed his unicycle. "Jarreh, yeh've got to hop on m'shoulders and keep yer balance. Consider it sommat like an official Pigpimples spy-division entrance exam," Haggard wasted no time; as soon as Jarry was on his shoulders and the two were on the unicycle, he sped off towards things Jarry had only imagined in his wildest dreams...

They had gone on for quite a while, and Jarry was about to ask if they could stop to get some sleep, when Haggard stopped next to a decrepit old building. Jarry hadn't been paying attention well enough to know even what city they were in, and it suddenly occurred to him that perhaps going with Haggard hadn't been the best of ideas. He decided for better or for worse, he'd have to stick this through 'til the end now, and climbed off of Haggard's shoulders. The two stared in silence at the building for a moment, and then Haggard remembered the tight schedule they were on and led Jarry to the door. Haggard pulled a pink turkey baster from a pocket, and tapped on different areas of the door a few times. The door suddenly opened as he found the right combination, and Jarry couldn't believe his eyes...

The interior was very well decorated, and everything within looked very valuable. There was gold everywhere he looked, antique furniture, and fancy curtains. Jarry couldn't understand why someone would spend that much money on the interior of a building, but leave the outside shabby and run-down... Until he recalled Haggard mentioning spies.

"Haggard, is this the secret headquarters?" Jarry asked quietly. Haggard smiled and shook his head, but didn't explain further than that. He just led Jarry down a hall, then turned left, then another left, then right- after a while, Jarry lost track. He wasn't even sure how the building could go on this far. Eventually they did come to the end of the hall, and there was a very elaborately carved door awaiting them. Haggard readied himself, pushed back his hair and adjusted his coat, and then knocked on the door three times sharply. Someone from within the room called to them, though Jarry didn't quite hear what the person said, and Haggard opened the door and gestured for Jarry to enter. At the far end of the room was a rotund old man in an expensive business suit, behind an old but well-polished desk.

"This here's Da Godfadah of Enrollment, Jarreh. He'll take care of gettin' yeh inter Pigpimples," Haggard explained, and Da Godfadah motioned for Jarry to sit in an empty chair on their side of the desk. Jarry sat down, and Haggard sat in the other chair when Da Godfadah indicated he should, and everyone remained silent for a short period of time.

"Haasammumphoogula," Da Godfadah carefully stated, after putting a great deal of thought into his words. Jarry wasn't quite sure what this meant, but Haggard nearly leapt out of his seat with joy.

"Didja hear that, Jarreh? He says yer a natural, he kin feel it!" Haggard seemed unable to contain his excitement, while Jarry tried to figure out how he determined all of that from the senseless mumblings of Da Godfadah. While Da Godfadah rambled on, and Haggard nodded excitedly, Jarry remained still and silent. After a great deal of time had passed, Da Godfadah nodded at Jarry and began writing something down. He snapped his fingers, and a winged monkey flew in through the window, taking the note and then quickly flying back through the window to deliver it.

"Jarreh! Yer in! Da Godfadah's approved yeh!" Haggard shouted once the monkey had departed.

"That's very nice and all, but what was all this about? I'm not even sure what he said..." Jarry protested.

"Oh, Jarreh- None of us are. I pretty much just nodded mah head and pretended to understand him, and when he smiled I told yeh he thought yeh're a natural. The important thing is, he sent off the monkey, and we kin go to... Otakon Alley!"

"Ota-what? What for?"

"We've got ter getcha supplies! A wand, robes, a cell phone that can be used in twenty-seven completely different ways to inflict harm on others!" Haggard responded, a little too gleeful about the cell phone. "I always did fancy me one o' them Bush-skin phone covers. Rare creatures, them!" Finishing his rant about the latest phone fashions, Haggard directed Jarry through a secret door to the left of Da Godfadah's desk. The door led out into a dead-end alley made up of brick walls, and Jarry wondered how they were ever going to manage buying school supplies of any sort in an empty alley. His worries were set aflame and pushed off a tall building onto some temporarily displaced stalagmites as Haggard tapped a few bricks with his turkey baster, opening yet another secret passage. Beyond, though, Jarry saw sights that filled him with terror and wonder and happiness- He saw fangirls and gay men and animation everywhere.

"Welcome, Jarreh! To Otakon Alley!" Haggard shouted theatrically, flashing Jarry one of his trademark grins.