Jarry Ponder and the Operative's Rock

Chapter Three: Ian Letters Fleming From Ian Nowhere Fleming (There, I worked his name into the title.)

The escape of the poor woman got Jarry in pretty damn big trouble. By the time he was let out from under the sink, he was 40 years old and had worked out a brilliant theory on time warps. He practically applied this theory, and managed to get back to when he was 10-going-on-11 and helped himself come up with a brilliant way to get out of the whole mess. What was it? It would take too much time to tell you, but I'm sure you'll be happy to know it worked. Since he got out from under the sink the day after releasing the poor woman from the diner, the whole time warp thing never happened. Well, you know, it did- or else he wouldn't have gotten out. But, it was like it never did. Because... Oh, let's just get on with the story.

In any case, Jarry decided that it wasn't as much fun being out from under the sink as he'd thought, so he went back in until the summer holidays. This, as well as saving the author some time, made things more correct along the HP storyline. Jarry looked forward greatly to going to school after the holidays, as it would be the first year he would go to an all-boys school, which meant he wouldn't have to watch out for Juanita constantly. He had gotten rather used to fighting her off in the hallways as she tried to strangle him with a jump rope from within his locker, sure, but there were some things he could do without. Thinking about school reminded him that Defnitly would be going off to Evil Genius School, which meant that his life would be made considerably easier all around.

One day in late July, Juanita took Defnitly to Australia to buy his school uniform. It was pretty hard to find proper Evil Genius attire that was simultaneously completely different from everyone else's, after all, and the last thing Defnitly wanted to do was end up looking like someone else's henchman. So, while Juanita and Defnitly were boarding their plane, Jarry was back in Random Small Town, England, being watched by Mrs. Number Eleven. Mrs. Number Eleven was a close friend of Juanita's, which didn't help to lift Jarry's spirits. He spent the majority of the day running through her garden, which had 6-foot tall hedges running all throughout it, forming a rather formidable maze. If he made a wrong turn, he faced danger in the form of some diabolical trap. If he made a right turn, it tended to mean pretty much the same thing. And all the while, Mrs. Number Eleven was right behind him, chasing him with a projectile-firing watering can.

Jarry managed to survive his stay with Mrs. Number Eleven, to Juanita's dismay, but that evening wasn't a great lot better. Jarry now had to contend with Defnitly, who was a much less pleasant person in his uniform. He wore a mundane grey suit and practised keeping his pinky outstretched and in the general vicinity of his mouth at all times, except when he used his cane (which concealed a higher-than-usual voltage cattle prod) to 'motivate' his 'henchmen' (Julius, Juanita and especially Jarry). Julius beamed at Defnitly and stated that this was the proudest moment of his life- before Defnitly jabbed him in the crotch with the cattle prod. Juanita burst into tears, and everyone thought she would make a touching statement about how grown-up her Ickle Deffers looked... Well, suffice it to say they were wrong. Juanita had apparently taken one too many jabs with the cattle prod, and even daft little Deffers knew when to run for his life. So he did.

There was a horrible smell coming from the kitchen the next morning, and both Julius and Jarry (who had seized the opportunity to sleep elsewhere) were afraid to investigate after the previous night's incident. Luckily, it turned out that Juanita and Defnitly were on good terms again, and it wasn't Deffer's rotting carcass. It was unfortunately something altogether worse from Jarry's perspective; his new school uniform. The uniform, strangely enough, was the foul-smelling uniform of an ice cream man. Jarry tried not to think about where Juanita got it, or why it smelled the way it did, or why there was some sort of dark liquid splattered over part of it... But this proved impossible as he looked out the front window to check the weather and spotted an abandoned ice cream truck in the driveway.

Juanita, sensing his concern, threw the uniform at him and stated, "You no ask questions!."

Breakfast was actually less eventful than it usually was, since Jarry didn't have to fight his way through traps to prepare for it this morning. Or, rather, it was uneventful until Julius insisted on Defnitly getting the mail.

"Make Jarry get it," Defnitly responded immediately.

"Jarry, get the mail," came Julius' distracted reply.

"Make Defnitly get it."

"Deffers, jab him with your Minion Motivator."

     Jarry leapt forward, did a handstand on the table, and pushed off. Doing a backflip in midair, he narrowly avoided the Minion Motivator and sprang down the hall to get the mail. Two things lay on the doormat when he arrived. One appeared to be a bill, and the other- why, the other was... Oh, just a postcard from Julius' sister. Jarry turned to go back to the kitchen, passing the living room on the way- and stopped. He backtracked and stood in the doorway to the living room, staring in disbelief; there was someone coming down the chimney!

"Santa, you're early!" Jarry exclaimed, but to his surprise, it was not an old man in a red suit. It was a man in a red robe. And, oddly enough, ninja gear; it was this last observation that convinced Jarry it was definitely not Santa. The old man, who had ridiculously long silver hair and an equally lengthy and silver beard, merely gestured for Jarry to be quiet and then flung a letter at him much like a shuriken (ninja star, for those of you like my mom. *snickers at her when she reads this*). Jarry caught the letter between his teeth, very much wishing the people in Las Vegas could have seen this, and glanced at the address.

     Ponder. Jarry Ponder.

     Beneath the Sink

     12345 Rivet Drive

     Stop Your Whinging

     Sir Ray (is not to open this)

The envelope was made of- Well, actually, that was nearly all there was to it. On the other side was scrawled, "Listen to the tape on the table in the hall." Jarry, curiosity mounting, emerged back into the hall and immediately spotted a tape on the small table to the right of the doorway. Picking it up, he hurried back into the kitchen upon hearing Juanita yell something in spanish that didn't sound as if she were being very patient.

Jarry handed over the letters, excepting the paper he'd received from the strange old man in the fireplace, and sat down at the table with his tape. Julius, for the sheer purpose of making this next scene easier, always kept a tape recorder/player at the table; and Jarry took advantage of this and inserted his tape.

"Dad, dad, look! Jarry's got a tape!" Defnitly suddenly shouted, jabbing Jarry with his Minion Motivator set to 'stun.' Julius grabbed the tape recorder while Jarry was immobilized, and hit play.

"Since someone other than Jarry Ponder has activated this tape, it will self destruct in 3... 2... 1..." And at that, the tape recorder promptly blew up in Julius' face. Julius' face turned a sickly shade of green...

"I knew I shouldn't have eaten that plutonium," Julius muttered. "It just looked so good..."

After spitting out a chunk of plutonium, he resumed looking horrified, a look which he shared with Juanita. While the two of them were busy looking confused, upset and generally very uncomfortable, Jarry was merely confused. He understood perfectly well that tapes were not supposed to blow up, but the tape itself did say that only he was supposed to play it, so he couldn't fathom why they were this distressed. His confusion quickly turned to disappointment, as the tape was bound to have something interesting on it had he been the one to hit play.

"That was my tape..." Jarry whined, but no one was paying him much attention. Juanita and Julius were now engaging in a heated debate about 'THEM' and 'HIM' and 'That PLACE' while Defnitly was trying to piece the tape recorder back together. Jarry supposed there was nothing more he could do, and stood up to leave. Julius was startled out of his conversation by this sudden movement, as if only just realizing he and Juanita weren't alone in the room.

"OUT! Both of you, out, now!" He insisted, and both boys shrugged their shoulders and left, there being nothing left to do in the kitchen for the moment.

"I really thought that'd be harder," Julius mused before resuming discussing the situation with Juanita.

The next day, Juanita did something she'd never done before. She visited Jarry under the sink without first trying to kill him. Jarry tried to think of an ulterior motive, and then remembered the exploding tape.

"Who's writing to me? What's going on?" Jarry asked before Juanita could begin speaking.

Juanita responded to this question by throwing Jarry out of the space under the sink and engaging in an epic struggle, Juanita attempting to get her hands around Jarry's throat and Jarry trying to fight her off. After a while, they wrestled their way against a wall and fought their way to a stalemate, after which Juanita finally spoke.

"The doctor and I have been talking, and we have decided that the space under the sink is entirely too small for you. We're moving you... To the closet," she finished, clearly upset that she had to lose such valuable closet space. Jarry, however, was overjoyed at getting a larger room, closet though it may be. He immediately moved everything he owned (which consisted of what he was wearing) over to the hall closet, and got settled in, forgetting all about the tape. The house only had 4 closets, and Jarry felt immensely pleased that he now had one of them all to himself. There was one closet in Julius' bedroom, one in Juanita's, one in Defnitly's, and the hall closet; which now belonged to him. From outside the closet, somewhere around the living room, came the sound of Juanita crying to Julius, "But I don't want him in there... I need that closet... Make him get out..." At that point, Jarry knew this wouldn't be good. Yesterday, he'd have given anything to be in the closet, but he was feeling much more open today, and decided he would much rather be out of the closet. (LAUGH with me!)

Next morning at breakfast, things were very quiet indeed. Juanita was in shock. Not because she'd screamed and tried various means to get her closet back, but because Defnitly had finally managed to jab her with his Minion Motivator set to stun. In any case, Juanita still didn't have her closet back and thus wasn't very pleased anyway. Julius, who was making quite an effort to be nice to Jarry, sent Defnitly to get the mail today. Defnitly wasn't gone for long before they heard him exclaim, "There's a letter here for Jarry! Ponder, Jarry Ponder, Come out of the closet-"

Juanita finally recovered from the Minion Motivator and raced down the hallway, tackling Defnitly and yanking the letter from his hand. Not taking the chance that someone else would steal it from her, she ripped the letter into pieces and swallowed each one.

"Go to your room!" She yelled, and upon seeing Jarry sneaking up behind her, she told him to go to his closet. Neither of the boys moved.

"Maybe you no hear so good!" Juanita yelled, this time retrieving her pocket knife. "Maybe I need to clean out your ears for you!" At this, both boys immediately ran for their respective rooms.

Jarry waited for Juanita to fall asleep, which happened every morning at exactly 6 AM. Juanita was very consistent with her sleeping. She would fall asleep at 6 AM after setting the next day's traps, and awaken exactly 30 minutes later. The woman was intent on not leaving any bit of the house go unsupervised for longer than necessary; she had to keep Jarry in line, after all. This being Jarry's only chance, he sprang forth from the closet and raced to the front door, eager to get to the day's mail before anyone else... But he had completely forgotten about the traps, and stepped on a hand-woven net lying on the floor near the front door. The net rose, ensnaring him and lifting him to the ceiling, setting off a siren that woke everyone in the house. Juanita was very cranky on half a minute of sleep, and Jarry knew that he had made a horrible mistake this time...

After locking Jarry in the closet, Juanita set to work building a laser shield projector on top of the house while thinking up an appropriate punishment for the boy. Before half the day had gone by, she had successfully enveloped the house in a protective laser shield and used it to dispose of the daily letter to Jarry.

"If they cannot deliver the letters- they will have to give up!" She claimed triumphantly, only to discover that she had been locked out of the house by an old man in a red robe and ninja gear. In fact, if it hadn't been for Julius' interference, Mumblemore may well have successfully delivered a tape to Jarry that day. Having fended off the last delivery attempt of the day, Julius let Juanita back inside the house where the two resumed discussing the situation. Since Juanita's laser shield didn't seem to deter the tape-deliverer, they would have to find some other way...

On the next day, Friday, Juanita awoke at 6:30 AM with her mouth stuffed full of tapes addressed to Jarry. After disposing of them all, she checked every possible entrance to the house for signs of anyone having come inside within the last half hour. She was very puzzled indeed when she found nothing even after testing for fingerprints and traces of foreign fabrics and the like. Julius shared her concern when she approached him with this information, but neither of them had any idea what sort of precautions they could take. All they could do was fend off the tapes until the deliverer gave up...

Saturday was even worse for the two adults of the household, who awoke to see tapes glued to Julius' bedroom wall, forming the words "Red rum." Needless to say, this particular delivery made Julius and Juanita increasingly worried, but again they both admitted there was not much more they could to to protect themselves.

The next morning at breakfast was the first time in quite a while that Jarry had seen either of the adults look happy. Defnitly, who hadn't been clued in on the latest incident, wasn't sure why they had been so worked up the previous day anyway. Julius in particular didn't even bother to eat, he was too busy looking pleased.

"No post on Sundays, and certainly no tape deliveries," he explained his peaceful state of mind. He sighed a happy sigh once or twice, staring off at nothing in particular, and then finally decided to have himself some breakfast. The second he reached for food, he froze and stared at the kitchen window. There was a rather large bit of machinery there, and within seconds it began playing a message.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it and you DAMN well will after we went to all this trouble, is-" Before the tape could continue playing, Juanita speared the machine with an extendable, pointed salt shaker. The machine smoked a lot, threw sparks every which way, and altogether ceased functioning. Julius immediately demanded that they all be packed and ready to leave in five minutes. Jarry was about to argue, when he saw a self-destruction timer start counting down from 5 minutes on the wall. Everyone made haste.

Just in time to avoid being caught in the explosion, they had all made it into the car and were speeding away from the house. They drove for miles, they drove for hours, none but Julius knew where they were going. Now, I won't say that even Juanita was too afraid to ask, because she wasn't. She threatened to beat Julius to death with his own severed arm if he didn't tell her where they were going, but she didn't follow through with it. Apparently she decided it would be a bad idea since he was driving. Eventually Julius stopped the car at a ratty little motel, and they stayed there for the rest of the night. Everyone was miserable to some degree or another, but Julius was content knowing that they were finally safe from whomever was trying to contact Jarry...

.... But he was very wrong. The next morning when Julius opened his mouth to speak, the only noise that came out was a recording, "Your mission, should you-" He quickly closed his mouth and gestured for everyone to get in the car. And so they drove some more. They drove all day, the laser weapon that Julius has used on the jetpack stuntpeople never leaving his lap all the while. This time, not even Juanita spoke. Not due to fear, but rather because she was too busy trying to bite off Julius' right ear.

"Daddy's gone mad," Defnitly proclaimed later that day, "and he won't stop until he kills us all!"

"Wrong movie," Juanita corrected him, and the rest of the drive passed in silence. When finally they arrived at a near-deserted coastline, Julius stopped the car and nodded his head, saying that they were here. Wherever here was.

Jarry was particularly unhappy as Julius explained that they were going to crawl under an overturned boat on the beach and stay there where no delivery person could ever find them. He was unhappy, however, for an altogether different reason than he should have been (namely the fact that he'd be in unnervingly close quarters with Juanita); the following day was his eleventh birthday. Obviously, he didn't want to turn eleven huddled up against Juanita for warmth under a boat, but it couldn't be helped considering Julius' state of mind. The rest of the day passed without incident, as everyone spent what time they could entertaining themselves on the beach, until night fell.

As Defnitly and Julius fell asleep, once they had all gotten under the overturned boat, Jarry remembered Juanita's sleeping habits and became morbidly afraid for his life. Juanita lay awake, mere inches from Jarry, knitting a warhead cozy (you know, like a tea cozy, but for warheads.) and looking very... Well, twitchy. Jarry tried his best to fall asleep, but every time he felt his eyelids droop Juanita would hover over him. Not the best of situations, so he ended up staying awake staring at Defnitly's watch, which was illuminated by the irradiated glow of Julius' arms. As he watched the time tick away 'til he was eleven, his thoughts turned to the letters and tapes. Who was sending them? What did they want to tell him so badly? It looked as if he'd never find out, now... As these depressing thoughts ran through his mind, he watched the watch. Before long it was a mere minute before he would turn eleven. Then thirty seconds. Then fifteen. Ten... Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

And absolutely nothing happened. HA! Fooled you! In fact, at the exact moment he turned eleven, the boat was kicked over and flew a dozen yards out to sea. Julius and Defnitly quickly woke, and everyone stared in awe at the towering hulk of a man who had found them.

"Er... Sorreh," the man said, finding a different boat and setting it down (overturned) on top of them all. He then lifted the boat onto one end, and flashed them all a steely grin.