It's Not Easy Being a Squib or The Misadventures of Chester B. Humpledincker

Meanwhile...

All is black. Gradually Chester regains consciousness, to the murmur of voices

1^st Voice *Heavy Swedish accent*- Good God! But I thought leprosy had died out...

2^nd Voice- No...I think, that's just the way he looks.

1^st Voice- Ah still at least his face is in reasonable working order, look...

2^nd Voice- That's not his face you're pointing to!

1^st Voice- What?...Oh Jesus! *sounds of retching are heard"

2^nd Voice- Steady, steady, remember when we were in Slovakia? Everywhere there were decomposing bodies, blown-off limbs...

2^nd Voice- This is worse.

1^st Voice- (pause) Yeah this is. Hold on shh, I think he's waking up.

Chester cannot seem to remember how he got here; the last few hours seem a blank. He suddenly remembers he was driving down a road, but why he cannot remember. He opens his eyes to see two men crouching over him.

1st Man- You all right?

Chester- Well I've just survived a horrific car accident. Which is quite a good day for me actually. Only really feels like a few broken ribs, and a dislocated shoulder, no life threatening surgery for once.

1^st Man- Er right

Chester- One question though. Why am I tied to an uncomfortable wooden chair in the middle of a packing warehouse?

The 1^st man (who as it turns out looks something like the man who you might see down Sainsbury's, like the other Bee Gee, he is instantly forgettable. The 2^nd is of course the obligatory albino) looks at Chester and licks his lips in a curiously disturbing way. It suddenly occurs to Chester that this isn't just any old packing warehouse...no no no, this is a meat-packing warehouse. Memories of being confined in the back of a lorry, surrounded by hordes of cattle come flooding back. That feeling of anticipation as death draws ever nearer. And that unholy smell of the fresh corpses of the unfortunate beasts...yes, that oh-too-familiar smell, which has now returned, wafting past, then stopping to linger under Chester's nose as if to say "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Because of course, this is the meatpacking warehouse that adjoins an abattoir. The question remains as to where exactly the meat comes from, as Chester can hear no sound or see any trace of livestock...

Anyway, here is Chester, a lot closer to an abattoir than he would ever like to be, considering his past experience with the places. After one of those dreadfully uncomfortable silences, in which tumbleweeds are employed to roll past unexpectedly in that way that tumbleweeds do, the first man speaks.

1^st Man- Well, so you wouldn't get away of course.

He looks at the 2^nd man as if Chester is a complete dumbass, the 2^nd man emits a low hysterical giggle. Chester begins to look extremely uncomfortable, less due to his physical predicament and more due to the fact that the albino's pink eyes are fixed uncomfortably and mysteriously on Chester's groin area.

The albino still with his eyes fixed on Chester, whispers something in the 1^st mans ear.

1^st Man- Not yet Snowy, we'll see if there's time for that later.

Chester gulps in a panicky fashion. Then he calms realising he's been in worse fixes before. He can get through this. Determined not to show his fear he begins a vain attempt at friendly banter.

Chester- His name's Snowy? So what is yours, Tintin? *he attempts to snicker*

1^st Man- Yes actually it is

Chester- Oh. So how..?

Tintin- It's just coincidence really.

Chester- Oh. Right.

Tintin: We found you lying by the side of the road - you were in a bit of a mess to say the least, although it looks like...well, maybe you always look like that. Anyway, we thought you were dead. So we decided to pick you up, and anyway, to cut a long story short we decided to bring you here and sell you to some cannibals. You see, we trade in humans. It's all the rage you know.

Sometimes they're prepared and packed up, hence the abattoir and warehouse, but other times we deliver fresh. *He looks at Chester meaningfully*

All this while Chester is hyperventilating, and he also feels his irritable bowl syndrome flare up. Standing a good few feet away (like anybody would, given the state of decay Chester is in) is our Obligatory Albino, Snowy, silently pondering on the mysteries of life no doubt while still fixating on Chester's groin.

It suddenly occurs to Chester how positively ironic this whole situation is. After all, even the most amateur cannibal could tell you that Chester would not be up to food hygiene standards. Not even for dog food. In fact, Chester had once been passing a butchers shop, when all of a sudden some men in white suites arrived and warned that anybody caught within a ten metre radius of Chester would be arrested and fined under the Health and Safety Act. Anyway, going back to the situation at hand, Chester isn't really in a state to argue.)

Tintin- But we can let you go. If you answer some questions for us that is.

Chester scrutinises him suspiciously.

Tintin- Scouts honour *misshapen grin*

Chester- *nervous smile* Fire away.

Tintin- Full name?

Chester - Chester B Humpledincker.

Tintin- what does the B stand for?

Chester- *pauses* Belfry.

Tintin- Is that even a name?

Chester shrugs weakly- It was my grandmother's name.

Tintin- Right...so what about your family?

Chester- Well I live on my own. My family threw me out many years ago, when my grandmother died. She was the only one who really cared about me. For some reason they never told me they hated me.

Tintin- That's rough son.

*Snowy wipes away a tear*

Tintin *slowly*- But it also means that no- one's going to miss you when you're gone.

Chester- When I'm gone? But I have answered your questions! You said you'd let me go!!

Tintin- Well here's your first lesson in life.

He smiles and leans over Chester.

Tintin- Never trust a man who's tied you up to an uncomfortable chair in the middle of a meat packing warehouse.

Chester- But...but you can't sell me for human consumption! (desperately)- Snowy! You don't want to leave me here do you? You can *he swallows* have your way with me if you like...

Snowy looks deeply affronted.

Tintin- *looks annoyed* What are you suggesting?

Chester- Well the way he stared at my, er, crotch and everything... (He trails off)

Tintin- *coldly* Snowy collects zips.

Snowy- Your flies are a very rare 1985 Grosch-Muller double teeth design.

Tintin- Urgh. Honestly, I am insulted that you would even think of such a thing. Just because we trade in human livestock suddenly we're capable of anything.

Chester- Oh, right.

Tintin- Unscrupulous psychotics we may be but we had no intention of that sort with you. I mean have you looked at yourself recently? You've replaced the killer clown in my nightmares.

Chester- Yeah I suppose you're right. I was just clutching at straws really.

Tintin- Too right you were. Molesting boys isn't our style.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

Tintin- We both prefer sheep.

Chester looks slightly taken aback.

Tintin and Snowy start to discuss something in low voices. While doing so Tintin absentmindedly fiddles with a rusty meat hook hanging from the ceiling.

Tintin was right about the psychotic part; although he has a singularly unmemorable face he also has, at second glance, the eyes of a madman. You may very well have seen him in Sainsbury's, and made a note not to bump into him in the frozen meats aisle. Snowy the albino under scrutiny has an almost androgynous, insane look about him - he could beat you up not by using brute force but by pulling each or your nasal hairs out one by one...with his teeth.

Anyway, there will be no need for any rough and tumble at this point in our tale, for as if right on cue our antihero and his captors suddenly find themselves thrown through space in a giddying world of flashes of light and a funny little tingling sensation in their ears...