The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Hi there all you cool cats! It's been awhile indeed, but that's what happens when you go to a new college and blahblah. Firstly, I hope you like this chapter. I know it's a little out of order, but I started this fanfiction before the last book came out and am now trying to make it work.

Secondly, I want to thank anyone who's reviewed this, anyone who's reblogged this (and I know exactly who you are because I recently googled the story and clicked on all of you - absolofruitley creepy--I'm aware), anyone who has put this on their Favorites or submitted this to some kind of contest, and simply anyone who has taken the time to read through this. I love you all and I'm so into you (sexually); I can't even explain. So THANK YOU.

So now, I have some things to ask of you, all you faithful readers, all you sometimes readers, all you first-time readers:

1. I just started blogging in an attempt to turn my internet obsession into something... I don't know what kind of something, but definitely something in general. Therefore, if you blog, send me your info. We'll subscribe to each other. It'll be beautiful. Mine: http://theonlygirlontheinternet.wordpress.com/

2. If anyone knows who MOOGLEFTW is and for some reason has his email, please let me know! I stumbled upon this genius while looking for a YouTube clip of Navi saying, "Hey, listen!" (I was missing OOT so hard on account of my mother disposing of my Nintendo64) and I have fallen in love with this person's sense of humor and their voice. And if you all don't know who this guy is, then I suggest you look him up. Even if you're not into video games, the experience is worth it because he's so goddiggitydamn funny.

3. I recently(ish) published the Super Confidential Diary on CollegeHumor. Check it out, if you feel the need to see a picture of me/read a revamped version/see a sick photo of DanRad! Like it/comment if you're a CollegeHumor member thang.

That is all: ENJOY

8:15 AM

Walking through London with the gang, oohing and awwing at all the sights. There's a huge ass clock and this church owned by a minister in the west or something?? I don't care, cobbled streets piss me off. I can't stop tripping.

The buildings are kind of old and impressive though. And the homeless people make really great comments--mostly about Ginny.

"Nice ass, baby."

"Have any bills tucked into that bra?"

"Gimme a fiver and I'll cum for you."

"I'd feast on your pussy--it'd be the best meal I got in days."

"Your teats hold more sustenance than the average dairy cow."

That last one was Luna actually, which was unexpected but not necessarily surprising.

8:24 AM

Was just tricked into buying a group of homeless dudes McDonald's meals.

I said to Ginny, "I'm too nice and giving for my own good."

She craned her neck to see into the diary and laughed. "Harry, you didn't buy them meals. You threw the other half of your cheeseburger at one of their heads because there was a hair in it. Stop trying to make yourself seem like a good person."

????!!!!!!!!!

She's on her period. None of that was true.

8:30 AM

Bet you're all confused, now, aren't you? Which story is the REAL story?

8:35 AM

Lol - Ginny's version, duh. I can't keep a straight face when I'm lying.

8:35 and 15 seconds AM

But fuck, this isn't a video diary. It's a diary diary.

Too lazy to go erase everything.

9:04 AM

Looking at puppies in a pet shop for some reason. All of the girls won't stop giggling and shrieking about the fucking puppies. This is exactly why women don't deserve to be paid the same salary as men.

"So...what do we do next?" Ron asked me, picking his nose with his pinky finger like a true gentleman.

"Why do I have to answer all the questions?" I whined.

"You haven't answered any, actually," Hermione put in from behind us.

While I pondered this factually inaccurate insult, we watched Luna climb over the glass separating humans from animals and drop herself into the dog pen.

"There was a door, Luna," Ginny said unhelpfully.

She hissed in response. Well, alright.

"Let's go to Hogwarts," I suggested, "we can get the rest of the Horcruxes there."

"One, you're wrong," Hermione listed bitchily, "two, we don't know how to destroy them, and three, going to Hogwarts would be a suicide mission."

"Let's figure out how to destroy them, then," Malfoy drawled. "What do we know about the locket?"

Ernie grabbed it from my hand and tried to pry it open and see if there was any money inside, but it was futile. "Doesn't open."

Hermione took out her wand and tried a few complex spells to open or just to destroy it. Her face was screwed up in concentration and she accidentally farted as she tried to turn the stupid thing intangible. Face red while the rest of us gasped for air because of the smell, she said weakly, "Magic doesn't help."

Draco snatched it from her vile hands and threw the locket on the ground and stomped on it a few times. He shrugged, leaned back against the wall, and looked around, bored and sexy. "Can't destroy it by force--not that I care really. Heil the Dark Lord."

As a last resort, Dean unsheathed Naomi and shot the locket. Nothing happened. "No good--it's wearing a bullet-proof vest."

We all sighed. Rather, they all sighed. I was across the room poking a pug in the face. How do they fit so many wrinkles????????

9:16 AM

Luna crawled over the glass again, this time with one of those ratdog mixes in her arms.

She held it out to me and said, "Look, it's the new Neville!"

Everyone broke out into pitying/uproarious (lolol thesaurus) laughter. Then it got serious. Ron put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Luna, you're the new Neville. You'll always be."

"Always?" she peered up at him through her unwashed bangs.

"Always and forever."

Her head was tilted up to his, lips slightly open begging to be kissed hungrily. There was pain in both of their eyes as Ron's hand slid down from Luna's shoulder, bypassing her elbow but pausing for a tenth of a second, as if he wanted to pull her closer and never let her go. Her big doe eyes became glassy as they stared at each other; she, brushing a soft strand of his tousled red hair behind his ear, he biting his lip and closing his eyes slightly in defeat. They could no longer ignore the truth that weighed down on their shoulders.

Watching them felt like interrupting the most sacred of lovers' interactions, like walking in during the pivotal part of a love story. It was watching a couple try futilely to fight the forces of nature, and despite every effort, despite their unwavering, passionate love, it could never possibly work because the Luna is the new Neville.

"However," I said, grabbing the dog from Luna and inspecting it, "this dog will be the newest member of the Fellowship."

"What's his name?" Ernie asked.

Malfoy casually bent over and put in, "Her name."

I cleared my throat. "His name is Mr. Gorbachev."

"Her name," Malfoy repeated.

"Whatever."

9:30 AM

A crazy looking dude stopped us on the street. Mr. Gorbachev barked his ass off when he pulled at my jacket. I looked at the man disdainfully, fumbled in my pocket, and gave him some change.

"You fuckers are robbing me, and I'm too nice to say no. Pretty soon I won't be able to afford my weekly blowout. This hair doesn't style itself, you greedy assholes."

"I don't want your change," the man said, giving it back to me and stroking his golden beard with weird emphasis.

"What do you want, then?" Ron asked.

"My name is Rufus Scrimgeour; I'm the new Minister of Magic."

"Are you now?" Hermione responded, unimpressed.

"We don't take too kindly to the Ministry, you see," I said, holding my fist up.

"Are you threatening me?" Scrimgeour asked, shrinking away from my fist.

"No, no, look," I said, showing him the scar Umfridge had given me--'I must not like dogs'--and I flexed and unflexed my hand as he admired my almost perfect skin.

"Oh, I heard about that--you know, it doesn't look too bad, to be honest."

"Oh gosh, you're too nice, but it's all thanks to two years of intensive hand creaming. Four times a day, five to ten minutes of rubbing. There was so much cream involved--you have no idea."

"I can bet."

"--and the pleasure you feel afterwards? Just the way it feels when you finish?--Indescribable."

"I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable," Ginny said to herself, confused.

"Minister, what do you want?" Malfoy asked, getting to the point.

He stroked his beard again, looking around at us creepily. "What animal do I remind you of?"

"A...human?" Malfoy volunteered.

"Go deeper."

"A human being."

"Yeah, I see that," Ron said, nodding.

"No, no, fuck you both. An animal. Like a lion--do I remind you of a lion?"

"I'd describe you maybe as a platypus," Dean put in, helpfully.

"Or a spider monkey," I said.

"You don't see--a lion? My beard doesn't strike you as a metaphor for a mane?"

"Maybe a homeless lion," Malfoy replied.

"Oh, yeah, I see that," Ron said, nodding.

"Yeah, and your beard is a metaphor for all the shaving you could be doing, but can't because you're homeless and don't have a sink," Hermione offered enthusiastically.

9:37 AM

"Listen, shut up," Scrimgeour said. "I have something to give you Harry, Ron, and Hermione. You were left some items in Dumbledore's will."

"His will?" Hermione asked. "He died awhile ago; why are we learning about this now?"

"We had to inspect the items first."

Hermione looked upset about this fact and said something about an invasion of privacy, against the law, blah blah but I had to interrupt: "Wait, wait. Dumbledore's dead?"

9:41 AM

"Well, Hermione, Dumbledore left you this book: The Tales of Beedle and the Bard. Why do you think he did so?" Scrimgeour handed her the children's book.

"Well, he knew I liked to read."

Scrimgeour frowned, easily bested by facts. "Harry, Dumbledore left you this Snitch--the first Snitch you ever caught. Why did he do that?"

"Well, he knew I liked the first Snitch I ever caught."

Once again, it was too good of an argument. "Ron, Dumbledore left you this Deluminator. Why did he do that?"

Ron grabbed the lighter from Scrimgeour and stared at it with awe. "He--he knew I liked to turn on lights." And with that, Ron, tears in his eyes, turned off the lights in the puppy store and turned them back on again.

Scrimgeour left, looking annoyed. Dumbledore did whatever the fuck he wanted, who cares??

9:46 AM

Hermione does, apparently. "Harry, don't you see? Dumbledore might have left these as clues--for the Horcruxes!"

"What are Horcruxes?"

"Shut up."

"Wait," Ron interrupted, looking at Hermione. "You mean, maybe Dumbledore left these for us for a reason? That's what I thought when I picked up the Deluminator--I said to myself, Ron--Ron--Dumbledore left you this lighter for a reason. You need to do something with this lighter. I think--Hermione, I think he wanted me to smoke."

"Ron, shut up."

"No," I said softly, "come on, that makes perfect sense. Ron is pretty uncool and Dumbledore felt bad for him. If Ron was cooler, we could find the Horcruxes quicker--and there's nothing cooler than smoking."

"Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk?"

"Only sometimes."

10:15 AM

Ron bought his first packet of cigarettes. And also a leather jacket, hair grease, and toothpicks, lots of toothpicks.

He's standing on the corner, one leg casually lifted up against the wall. He's looking around with an ease that says 'I own this place' although we have never been in this area before. Every time he brings the cigarette to his mouth, he starts coughing and can't stop for about thirty seconds and then his eyes are all red and teary.

I have a good feeling about this Horcrux search.