Harry Potter and the Problems with the Matrix

Harry Potter and the Problems with the Matrix

Jakia

Oh so mysteriously, Remus Lupin, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Bill Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Colin Creevy, Lucius Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Dudley Dursley, and some random girl named Mary Sue appeared in the same room. With me.

Me: Hi!!

Others: AH! ::Try to run away::

Remus: For some reason, this all seems very familiar...

Me: It should. Most fanfics without a plot begin this way.

Lucius: Oh.

Me: However, this one does not involve me torturing you, or saving you.

Harry: You're not? 'Cause I could use saved a couple of times, you know.

Dudley: Really quick question: Why am I here?

Me: Because you're never in fanfics and I wanted to include you.

::silence::

Dudley: Oh.

Ron: What's a fanfic?

Remus/Lucius: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

Draco: Why are we here, then?

Hermione: For the author's sick, twisted pleasure.

Me: Correct! Five points to Gryffindor! Now listen here, I'm going to have you guys act something out...

Ginny: Is it Lord of the Rings? Because we've already done that... By some other author, I think...

Me: NO! It's not Lord of the Rings. It's the Matrix.

Dudley: Oh yeah, I've seen that movie.

Me: You shouldn't' have. It's not out yet in your time.

Dudley: Oh.

Me: Now listen here, I've got your parts...

::Picks up piece of paper::

Me: Right, now Harry, you're the hero.

Harry: I'm really shocked, you know.

Me: ::smiles:: I know. His name is Neo. You two should have a lot in common. ::reads off list:: Hermione, you're Trinity.

Hermione: ::sarcastically:: That tells me a lot.

Me: She wears tight leather, rides a motorcycle, and swears a lot. But she's smart, too. ::looks at list again:: Mkay, Ron, you're Tank.

Ron: Awha?

Me: Tank. He works with computers.

Ron: What's a computer?

Me: You'll figure it out. ::looks at list:: Colin, your Mouse. He's young and perverted!

Colin: Yay!

Me: I thought you'd be happy...Now, let's see...Remus, you get to be Morpheous. He's cool.

Remus: I'm overwhelmed with joy, here...

Me: I know. Bill, you get to be Tank's (Ron's) older brother. I've forgotten his name, so we are calling him Bob. Got it?

Bill: Why not call him Bill?

Me: Because I said so, that why! Draco, you get to be a murderous, backstabbing bastard!

Draco: Wow! Could you have made me any more in character?

Me: That's what I thought too. Ginny, you get to be Switch. She had no real part.

Ginny: YAY!!!

Me: Right. Now Malfoy Senior, you get to be Agent Smith, the guy who tries to kill them all. You have about a thousand clones, so be cloney! ::waves wand::

::about a hundred clones of Lucius Malfoy appear.::

Lucius: Yippy! There are hundreds of me! ::looks at the clones:: Hey! I do not have a freckle below my chin...

Me: Dudley, you're a muggle gangster.

Dudley: Wow! You got me in character too.

Me: Mary Sue, you're his girlfriend.

Mary Sue: ::squee::

Me: That being said, let's get started!

ACT ONE:

Draco: ::in a cell phone, yelling:: Hi Mudblood!

Hermione :whispers:: Malfoy, we're suppose to be friends!

Draco: Oh...I mean, Hi Triniry.

Hermione: It's Trinity.

Draco: I know that, it's not my fault the author has too many typos...

Me: Hem Hem...

Draco: Oh, right! ::deepens his voice:: So, do you think he's the one?

Hermione: Of course he is, he's Harry! ::gets stared at:: Oh, I mean: Morpheous thinks he might be.

Draco: But do you?

Hermione: Doesn't matter what I think...

Draco: You like him.

Hermione: No I don't.

Draco: You love him.

Hermione: Who? Harry?

Draco: You think he's sexy...

Me: DRACO, STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

Draco: Oh, fine!

Hermione: Did you hear that?

Draco: Hear what? The foul, evil author?

Hermione: I think this line is being traced...

Draco: The author's foul enough to do something like that...Oh, yeah: Are you sure?

Hermione: I'm not sure. I'm hanging up in case.

Draco: Bye Mudblood!

ME: ::hits self on head with nearest, hardest thing::

ACT TWO

::Many muggle police officers appear out of no where. One kicks the door open::

Officer: Freeze.

Hermione: ::holds up hands willingly.::

Me: No no no, Hermione, you're suppose to do it slowly...

Hermione: B-but I don't want to cause trouble!

Me: Oh yes you do! ::evil glare::

Hermione: Fine! ::raises hands slowly. Looks very confident::

Outside

Malfoy clones: ::get out of car::

Lucius: ::reads script:: Question...Why do I own a car?

Me: Because Agent Smith owns a car.

Lucius: Who's Agent Smith?

Me: Your character. Now act out!

Lucius: Alright. ::puts on a downright evil look:: Avery...

Officer: Oh shit.

Lucius: You were given specific orders.

Officer: Hey, I'm just doing my job. You give me that juris-my-dic-tion crap, you can cram it up your ass.

Lucius: The orders...were for your protection. Which you don't really need, because we could kill the Mudblood in half a second...

Me: ::very evil glare::

Lucius: ::squirms::

Me: ::smiles:: Continue.

Officer: I think we can handle one little girl...

Lucius: And I agree with you. But the author feels for me to tell you that your men are dead. Which they probably aren't, but hey...

Inside

Officer: ::attempt to arrest Hermione::

Hermione: ::does high flying moves that no way in hell she could do in real life. Kills all the guys. Picks up phone::

Hermione: Lupin!

::snores come from the phone::

Hermione: Professor!

::more snores come from phone::

Hermione: Damnit, wake up! Or I'll do even more special-effects happy moves!

Me: You love being the bad girl, don't you?

Hermione: ::evil glint in eye:: Does it count as character development if I say yes?

Me: No, but it makes Harry and Ron think you're sexy.

Harry/Ron: ::whistle::

Hermione: Yes then.

Lupin: ::on the phone:: I'm up!

Hermione: 'Bout time! Guess what, I got to do special effects happy moves!

Lupin: According to the script, you get to do more.

Hermione: Yippy!

Lupin: Right now, in fact. It seems as though the conversation between you and Draco was traced. You're going to have to find a hard line, and fast. Oh, you might want to watch out. Malfoy-clones are out.

Hermione: Damnit!

(::backstage Harry and Ron are covered in drool:: )

Lupin: You must focus Hermione! May the force be with you! ::hangs up::

Hermione: May the force be with you also, Master Obi Wan! ::thinks about what she just said:: ::eye twitch:: Stupid...seventies...era...can't concentrate...

::Hermione drops the phone and bursts out of the room, just as Mafloy Clone Number 7135 enters the hall, leading another unit of Muggle Officiers. Hermione races to the opposite end, exiting through a broken window onto the fire escape. She looks down, and sees Malfoy Clone Number 2342 below, staring at her breasts. She shoots him. She then goes upward, onto the roof. Hermione runs as Malfoy Clone Number 4252 arrives after her, leading the group in pursuit. Hermione begins to jump from one roof to the other. Malfoy, however, has the same unnatural grace. They reach a huge gap between two buildings, which Hermione jumps with no problem. Not far off, she sees a window, and makes a dash for it. She dives through the window, rolls down the stairs inside, and manages to land without much damage, due to the supernatural abilities of the force and funky seventies hairdos.::

(Backstage, Harry and Ron have began to drown in drool)

Hermione: You can do this, Hermione! Believe in yourself! This is your night to shine!

Me: No, actually, it's Harry's. He's the hero.

Hermione: ::crestfallen:: Damn him.

Me: But he falls in love with you!

Hermione: So? In the fanon I get Ron, and Draco, and Snape, and...

Me: Just hurry up with this scene, will you?

Hermione: Fine!

::Hermione emerges from an alleyway, and at the end of the block, she sees a telephone booth. As she watches, the phone begins to ring. As it rings, a truck pulls up in front of it, with Malfoy Clone Number 2472 driving it, its headlights pointing towards the phone.::

(Backstage Harry and Ron are biting their nails with anxiety.)

::Hermione suddenly runs for the phone box. The truck is going to kill her! She has to call home to make sure she still gets paid in the afterlife. The truck hits to phonebooth just as she picks up the phone. Lucius inspects the wreckage with cool sunglasses on. There is no body::

(Backstage Harry and Ron are sobbing, crying out "She's Dead!!" and then crying once more)

Malfoy Clone Number 4253: She got away.

Lucius: So? Can you not see how freakin' awesome I look in sunglasses?

Malfoy Clone Number 27481: But we got the name of the next target: Harry Potter.

Lucius: Screw Harry Potter, I've got to get me a pair of these sunglasses! ::Runs to the nearest place that sells sunglasses::

Me: ::hits head on telephone pole:: Ow...

ACT THREE

::Welcome to Harry Potter's Apartment! If you can't tell, he's a bit of a slob...Hey, what's that noise?::

Harry: ::crying:: She's dead!

Me: ::roles eyes:: No she's not.

Harry: ::looks up:: S-she's not?

Me: Would I kill the most important female character of Ms. Rowling's series? Of course not! She's alive, now do you're part!

Harry: Okay...::looks at computer:: www.nudegirls.com. Hmm...who put that on there? ::blushes::

Computer: Harry, you perve!

Harry: ::shocked:: You can talk!

Computer: Of course I can talk, you nerd!

Harry: ::shocked::

Computer: ::freezes.:: Stupid...seventies...Star Wars...Force... ::goes blank:: The Matrix has you.

Harry: What?

Computer: Follow the white rabbit...::freezes again:: Ewan... should... have... been... Lupin...

Harry: How does that pertain to the plot?

Computer: It...doesn't... Author...loves...Star Wars... Ewan...in...Star Wars...Lupin...favorite...character. ::goes blank:: ::comes back:: Knock, knock, Harry...

::Knocking on door::

Harry: Woah! Freaky! ::gets up to answer door.:: ::answers door, sees Dudley.:: ::shuts door::

Me: Harry, be nice.

Harry: Why? He was never nice to me...::Reluctantly opens door::

Dudley: I'M SURROUNDED BY FREAKS! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! ::runs off::

Harry/Me: ::stare::

Me: Just follow Mary Sue...

Mary Sue:: Okay! ::walks away::

Harry: ::shrugs shoulders. Follows Mary Sue::

ACT FOUR

::Mary Sue and Harry arrive at a pub:: ::Mary Sue disappears:: ::Girl comes up to Harry::

Harry: Hermione! You're alive! ::hugs her until she can no longer breath::

Hermione: ::starts to turn blue::

Harry: I'm so sorry! I'll never be mean to you again! ::still squeezing:: Hermione, are you okay?

Hermione: Can't...breath...

Harry: OH! ::releases Hermione:: Are you okay? Did I hurt you at all?

Hermione: ::catching her breath:: According to the script, you weren't suppose to know who I am, so let's just skip the introduction crap and move on to the point. Harry, you're in danger.

Harry: Tell me something I don't know...

Hermione: They're watching you.

Harry: Yeah, Voldemort watching my every move and is going to kill me in second. I've been told this since I was eleven. Let's move on to something a bit more interesting in the script...

Hermione: What could be more interesting than finding out...::Harry kisses her::

Me: CUT! Stop! That's not until the one of the last scenes!

::Harry and Hermione ignore her::

Me: I said stop it, I say! ::pulls out wand:: ::hexes them apart::

Harry: ::rubs head:: Ow...

Hermione: What spell was that? I've never seen it...

Me: It's called the 'Hex-them-apart-so-we-can-continue-the-story jinx.' I'd say it works well.

Harry: I'll say! ::rubs head again::

Hermione: ::grabs a gigantic book out of no where:: There's no such thing as a Hex-them-apart-so-we-can-continue-the-story jinx!

Me: There is now! Now continue!

Harry: My head hurts...

Hermione: It's a warning. It means Voldemort/AKA the evil authoress is going to attack you soon.

Harry: My head really, really hurts!

Hermione: I know. I know why you don't sleep at night. You're looking for him, and he will find you. There is a question, and the question drives us. It drove me too, Harry. Do you know what the question is, Harry?

Harry: What is the Matrix?

Hermione: ::shocked:: You did the right thing in the script!

Harry: I did? ::looks shocked:: No, seriously, though, what is the Matrix? I've been wondering that since the mysterious author lady mention it awhile a go.

Hermione: ::shakes head:: The answer is out there, Harry, if you look for it.

Harry: But it doesn't cure my headache!

::end scene::

ACT FIVE:

::We are back in Harry's messy, slobish apartment. You would think being a boy hero he could hire someone to do his laundry...But anyway, he wakes up, looks up at his alarm clock, realizes his late, and swears. Wow, what a brillant scene that was!::

ACT SIX:

::We are in the office at Harry's job. Snape is behind the desk.::

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::runs. Can't get out of the door:: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snape: As if you could go through any decent fanfic without me...

Harry: I was hoping to try!

Snape: ::coughs forcefully:: Harry, there is something I need to tell you...

Harry: What? If it deals with me saving the world, Dumbledore told me everything already.

Snape: No! Damnit, I'm your father!

Harry: ::eyes pop out:: Really?

Snape: No, I just felt like doing something from Star Wars. Everyone else is.

(::backstage Hermione is in tears::)

Harry: That's awesome. I'd hate to know we were related...::thinks about it for a second.:: ::shivers::

Snape: Actually, what I need to tell you is that your fired.

Harry: You can't fire me. You're a teacher, not my employer! 'Sides, your suppose to give me a warning first!

Snape: Fine then! If your late again, I'll fire you! ::pulls wand out:: And boy will I have fun with that!

Me: Snape, it's not real fire. You can put your wand up now. And you can say your lines.

Snape: ::mumble not-so-nice words under his breath:: ::puts on a pair of square reading glasses:: You seem to have a problem with authority, Mr. Potter. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This company is one of the top computer sellsmen in the world because every single employee understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem. The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Potter. Either you choose to be at your workspace, on time, from this day forward - or you choose to find yourself another job. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

Harry: ::shrieks:: ::runs through the wall like some cartoon character.::

Snape: Wow! I've got to memorize that for next time he slips up in Potions...::begins to jot stuff down::

ACT SEVEN

Harry: ::sitting at his desk, snoring::

Gary Stu: ::walks up:: You Harry Potter?

Harry: ::still snoring:: But Aunt Petunia, I want the green pony! ::snores again::

Gary Stu: ::shrugs:: ::hits Harry on the head with the package::

Harry: ::screams::

Gary Stu: This is for you. ::leaves::

Harry: ::opens package:: Dude, I got a Dell! ::turns the laptop on:: ::begins to surf::

Me: ::runs over there:: WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO SHIP MY LAPTOP TO HARRY?! ::takes laptop:: ::gives Harry a cell phone:: Here, it's for you. ::walks off::

Harry: Hello!

Remus: Hi ya Harry!

Harry: Sup, Professor? What do you need?

Remus: Your in danger, Harry.

Harry: Yeah, I know. 'Mione told me.

Remus: Yes, but now you're in even more danger!

Harry: Dude, really? Because I haven't felt anything in my scar...::falls to the ground:: ACH! MY SCAR!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!

Remus: Okay, now your screwed. Run for it.

Harry: Run from what?

Remus: The Malfoy clones. They have sunglasses.

Harry: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::runs away, making as much noise as possible:: ::then he comes to a window.::

Remus: Jump, Harry!

Harry: No! I can't!

Remus/Random crowd: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

Harry: Okay! ::begins to jump::

Malfoy Clone Nu. 28723984723: Oh, I don't think so! ::grabs him.:: ::pulls him back.::

Harry: Aw, hell.

Outside

Hermione: ::is on motorcycle, wearing leather:: Wow. I look hot!

Draco/Harry/Ron: I'll say!

Hermione: Ah shit, the Malfoy clones have Harry! Guess I better go save his ass...

Me: You do that. The rest of us are going to get some medicine so the author can get through this scene...

Harry: Can you get something for my headache as well?

ACT EIGHT

::Harry and two Malfoy clones are in a small room.::

Malfoy Clone Nu. 287: As you can see, Harry Potter, we've been stalking you.

Harry: Yeah, I noticed...HEY! That's my shirt your wearing! Give it back!

Malfoy Clone Nu. 9999: How about not?

Harry: How about I just flip you off instead? ::does so:: Now, give me back my cell phone!

Malfoy Clone Nu. 287: NO!

Harry: Yeah, right! I know my rights! I get a phone call! ...Never mind that this is Britain and I don't have any rights...

Malfoy Clone Nu. 9999: How about we just put a bug in you instead? ::does so::

Harry: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACT NINE

Harry: ::wakes up in his own room, the stupid slob:: GASP! The angst is killing me!

Phone: ::rings::

Harry: Wow, freaky. ::answers it::

Remus: Er, hello?

Harry: ::mumbles:: Stupid wrong numbers...::begins to hang up::

Remus: WAIT!! Don't do that! I'm important!

Harry: Yeah, right...

Remus: No, seriously, I am!

Harry: What do you want?

Remus: To tell you that you're important too!

Harry: ::gets excited:: Really?

Remus: Yes! ...But all that does is attract the bad guys.

Harry: Damnit!

Remus: Go to the bridge. A few hot girls in leather will be there to pick you up.

Harry: Sweet, I'm there! ::jumps up and runs::

At the bridge...

::car pulls up. In the car is Cho, Ginny, and Hermione, all in leather.::

Harry: ::drools::

Hermione: Get in.

Harry: You didn't need to tell me twice...Hey! Point that thing somewhere else!

Cho: ::points a gun at him:: Sorry, but it's for our protection.

Harry: Protection? Against what?

Ginny: You.

Harry: ::blinks:: You know they do have condoms for that sort of thing...

Hermione: ::slaps him:: Not that sort of protection! Now take off your shirt!

Harry: Feisty, aren't you?

Hermione: ::groans:: Stupid pervert...::pulls out the de-bugger thing.::

Harry: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Hermione: Hold still, we think your bugged...::holds the debugger to Harry's stomach. Pulls out the bug:: There we go.

Ginny: I'm just going to confiscate this shirt, okay? ::holds the shirt tightly::

Harry: Only if I get to confiscate yours. ::winks::

Me: ERGGG!!! Okay, that's enough for one day! Get out of here, I'll bring you back tomorrow! Honestly! Stupid male hormones...