Merry Sewage (Mary Sueage!)

"Ronnie!" Kalia glomped the redhead mercilessly, running around the corner and flinging herself at him. Harry's eyebrows were raised, and Hermione was wearing a look of extreme distaste, which, if Ron didn't have the emotional range of a teaspoon, might have identified as jealousy. However, he did have said utensil's emotional skill, and therefore pulled Kalia into a tight hug.

"Kalia!" He kissed her fiercely, swinging her around. She giggled at him. Hermione and Harry exchanged a glance of disgust. The impeccable white blonde hair, combined with her brilliant blue eyes and uberskinny figure, not to mention her sweet temperament and love of all creatures great and small, she was the perfect girl.

"Oh, Ronnie, I missed you sooooooo much!" she squealed with another girlish giggle. Harry resisted the urge to cover his ears and duck for cover.

"I missed you too, Kals!" He kissed her again, their lips smacking horribly. Hermione was nearly gagging.

"Erm...Ron? I think we're supposed to be at the feast," suggested Harry carefully. Ron was googoo-eyeing Kalia, and proceeded to not even glance at Harry as he replied.

"Um... ok..." He and Kalia straggled behind Harry and Hermione as they marched resolutely to the Entrance Hall. As Kalia and Ron sat squished together, not even touching their food, except to write love notes in their potatoes, Hermione braced herself for a long night.

______^>*<^______

"Hermione, save me!" Harry plopped down onto the couch next to his best friend, having fled Ron and Kalia's passionate snoggage activities on the other couch. Hermione merely hmphed, informing him that he could certainly save himself without her help.

"C'mon 'Mione! My best friend is snogging some squeaky girl in the corner and completely ignoring me, and my other best friend won't pull herself out of her bloody Herbology book, because she can't stand the sight of the guy she likes snogging anyone but her!" Hermione slowly raised her head from the book, her mouth a grim line, and Harry's eyes widened.

"What happened to you?" Hermione glared, well, as much as one could glare when one's eyes were drooping from lack of any sleep. Her hair was a mess, eyes red and cracked.

"I couldn't stand the sight of the guy I like snogging anyone but me." Harry stared at her.

"But I mean, what happened?" Hermione sighed.

"I kept having nightmares about them. So I stopped sleeping. I can't eat either. And I think my tear glands are permanently broken. And Ron hasn't even noticed." Harry sighed, imitating her.

"Hermione, just tell him already." Hermione cracked.

"Bugger it! You expect me to... to what? Tell one of my best guy friends, who has a fecking girlfriend, that I've been in love with him for the past six years!? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!" Harry cowered. Hermione never cursed. She looked demented. The whole common room was staring at her, save Ron and Kalia, who were too preoccupied to hear a thing she'd said.

"Harry Potter, I CAN'T JUST TELL HIM, HE'D HATE ME!!! I CAN'T EVEN READ ANYMORE!!!" Harry just stared at her. Hermione couldn't read? What was the world coming to?

"Hermione... maybe you should go talk to Ginny and calm down. Or I could get some Prosaic for you." Hermione cackled madly, which turned into a dry sob, and walked up to the fifth year girl's dormitories.

"Ginny! Save me! You're brother is driving me nuts!" Ginny caught the sleep-deprived Prefect deftly and sat her on her bed.

"Still snogging Miss Fuzzy 'n Pink?" Hermione nodded miserably. Ginny silently took in her disheveled appearance and patted her on the back.

"Hermione, what you need is a makeover." Hermione sniffled.

"But Ginny, you don't wear make up. And neither do I." Ginny nodded.

"No, but we're getting you a boyfriend. And you need confidence." Hermione sniffled again.

"But I like Ron, not anybody else." Ginny rolled her eyes.

"One word, Hermione, Jealousy." Hermione looked up.

"But that would be using someone." Ginny pulled a face.

"If you put it that way. But I say you're just... borrowing them." Hermione giggled.

"Fine. But I blame you when my 'boyfriend' kills me." Ginny snorted.

"When Ron gets jealous, it'll be him that's getting killed, not you."

"So I'm using him and killing him?"

"Yup."

"Okay. As long as no one gets hurt." Ginny and Hermione laughed. Hermione was no girly-girl (despite the evil movie-makers of the third movie!), but acting silly was fun on occasion. When used sparingly.

"Look out Kalia, 'cause here I come." Ginny tried to keep from laughing, but failed miserably. Hermione blushed.

"Well, it sounded good in my head."