Something Kinda Funny

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Chapter 1: Something Kinda Funny

"Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny."
- Kim Hubbard

Okay, this whole thing's kinda complicated. No wait. Make that very complicated. And I blame it all on Malfoy.

And this time it really was his fault.

It started about two weeks into our seventh year at Hogwarts; everything had been relatively normal. Snap was a git, Malfoy was a git, Dumbledore was irritatingly obscure and twinkly with a bizarre passion for lemon drops, Ron and Hermione were ignoring their feelings for each other, and Voldie wanted nothing but my death. Yep, everything was status quo.

Notice how I said 'relatively' normal though. You see for some reason there was a permanent black cloud hovering over Hogwarts, lightning, thunder, rain - the works. And the teachers were starting to get worried.

"Harry," Dumbledore said, coming up and laying a hand on my shoulder, "come to my office. I need to have a word with you."

I shrugged and followed him, motioning for Ron and Hermione to go ahead to the common room without me.

"What's wrong Professor?" I asked.

"What makes you think something's wrong, Harry?" Dumbledore asked as we approached his office. "Ice mice," he added after a moment, opening the door to his office up.

"Well you and the other Professors have been worried lately."

Dumbledore seemed torn between being proud of me for the observation and worrying if anyone else had noticed. They had - Hermione'd been the one to tell me. Snape however had no such qualms.

"Mr. Potter, astute as always I see," he sneered from his place beside Draco Malfoy in Dumbledore's office.

Yep, you heard me right, Malfoy and Snape were in Dumbledore's office too. I knew almost immediately what the problem was.

"Professor? Malfoy? What are you doing here?"

Okay, well maybe not immediately.

"Don't worry Harry, it will all be explained to you in a moment," Dumbledore said cheerfully, directing me into the chair beside Malfoy's.

Malfoy looked embarrassed and I had to wonder why. I mean come on, Malfoy barely ever showed emotion.

Dumbledore sat behind his huge desk and Snape hovered in the shadows as always.

"Harry," Dumbledore said in his grave I'm-so-sorry-I-have-to-force-this-on-you voice, "I have bad news."

Well duh, I thought, forcing myself not to voice the thought, that voice always meant something bad for me and it usually involved a certain dark lord.

And we're not talking Saruman here.

"It seems you're soon to be a father," Dumbledore finished, still grave and using that voice.

The hell, I thought, a father?

"The hell," I said intelligently, "a father?"

Dumbledore just nodded.

"Uh, Professor? I haven't uh... you know, yet."

Dumbledore looked at me sadly and said, "I know Harry but... well, it's complicated."

I just nodded and hoped he'd continue.

"You remember when You-Know-Who kidnapped you last year?" Snape said, taking over the explanation for Dumbledore.

"Well duh." I had no problem with being rude to Snape. At all.

He didn't even look angry with me for the snarky response, which I suppose should have tipped me off right away.

"Well here's the thing, you don't remember really."

"Huh?"

"You see," he said, equally as grave as Dumbledore but ten times as greasy, "the Dark Lord dosed you with a lust potion and forced you to... copulate... with a Death Eater that he'd discovered as a traitor and then preformed a charm to alter both of your memories."

"Um... why?" I asked, just a little shell-shocked and more then a little disgusted at myself.

"Why, so he could raise your child as his heir and have a very powerful wizard or witch under his control," Snape said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Which it wasn't - just to clarify - I mean even for Voldie that was twisted.

I turned mutely to Dumbledore who nodded gravely, confirming each and every word Snape had said.

"I... How do you know if he preformed a memory charm on me? And... I mean... wouldn't he keep a tight leash on whomever's..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I'd raped some poor witch scarcely five months before.

"When I got word that our spy was being kept under lock and key I informed Dumbledore," Snape said.

"And I organized a rescue mission," Dumbledore added, "we didn't know until... well until we were told."

"I... Who is it?" I asked.

Snape and Dumbledore shared a glance and turned to Draco Malfoy who shook his head mutely.

I still wanted to know what this had to do with that git. What the hell is he even doing here, I thought angrily, its not like he's carrying my child.

Dumbledore sighed as he and Snape seemed to finish some silent discussion and turned to me. "Harry," he said, now ever sadder, "Draco Malfoy is carrying your baby."