Harry Potter and the Drunken Fiasco

Oh my. Seventh year was a doozy, that's for sure. And did Harry expect for the Head Boy (himself) to become a drunk? No. It was all very unexpected. When Voldemort and power fell, he shrugged and turned to a life of partying! He still got good grades, mind you, when he attended class.

His mind turned to a week ago, on a cold Monday morning.

"Potter! We're making a Healing Draught today! No! You don't -"

Boom.

Potions was cancelled for the rest of the year on account of the lack of the dungeons. The Slytherins, to Harry's delight, were sleeping in the kitchens among the house-elves. They were not happy about this. The entire lower portion of the castle was destroyed, and after things were sorted out, Harry was asked not to come back to class until he could curb his drinking problem.

So here he was, sitting in the common room next to the fire, drinking his Firewhisky and acting surly to anyone who crossed his path. Ron and Hermione were too busy shagging to notice he even had a drinking problem, and that suited him fine. The only two people who noticed his drinking were his eternal admirer Dobby (with that terrible behavior problem) and Draco Malfoy.

Boy, Malfoy had changed. He went from spitting out "You suck, Potter," to sighing it dreamily. Harry even caught him in Potions doodling his name with hearts on his spare parchment. He punched Draco in the face that day, but all Malfoy could say was "Accompany me to the hospital wing, Harry dear" before fainting.

That was one of the things that pushed him to drink even more. He was thoroughly depressed when all he'd done was raise his wand and Voldemort fell back into a tree and was killed instantly. Of course, not many people did well after hitting the Whomping Willow, but really, he was no hero, just a boy who raised his wand silently. He hadn't even had a chance to cast a spell. Even his fellow students agreed with him, although they still admired him as the Boy-Who-Took-Down-Voldemort-And-Lived-As-Well-As-Taking-In-All-His-Death-Eaters-And-Buying-All-The-Stock-In-Voldemort-&-Co.

So now, he was the main supplier of all Voldemort related projects and items. They made a Voldemort figurine, but all he did was run around on your palm and plan to kill Harry Potter. Harry himself bought one and threw it in the fire, laughing as it shrieked. Hermione had stopped shagging Ron long enough to lecture him about figurine rights and made him promise not to hurt one again. She wanted to go to the Library to research the matter, but Ron convinced her to come back to bed.

Harry hadn't seen them since.

All the Death Eaters had been hit with powerful love spells and now only wanted to grow flowers for their loved ones. Lucius Malfoy was hit so hard that when put in Azkaban (which was surrounded now by gardens) he went insane. From pure evil to pure good was too hard for him. Dumbledore had come to see him to try to talk sense in him, but all of Dumbledore's riddle-like statements drove Lucius far more insane than he had been. His son and wife came to see him on occasion, but he was usually busy licking the walls of the tower. When he wasn't doing that, he would go down to the garden to tend to his flowers, but would be struck with one of his crazy fits, and rip up everything he had done. Then he would sit in his garden and cry for hours on end, apologizing and weeping over the dead plants.

With Draco in love with him, Hermione not in the library, Ron getting some, Voldemort gone, and his Death Eaters a washy bunch of lovenuts, life was odd, life was unreal, and boring for Harry. So he started to drink.

First years would come into the common room telling him how they admired him and he'd start telling stories about what he'd done. They enjoyed it at first, but as time went by he grew more drunk, and started to get frightening and possibly dangerous.

"I... I SAVED the shilosipher's stone, yo," he declared to the first years. "Firsht, me, Ron and Hermione made beautiful mushic and the dog was no more. NO MORE!" He threw his empty bottle of Ogden's in the fire angrily. He laughed manically.

"Um... Mr Potter sir?" one of the students asked timidly. "We asked about the TriWizard Tournament, not the Philosopher's Stone."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A TOURISHT INFORMATION BOOTH TO YOU LITTLE BRATS?" he roared.

So he didn't tell stories anymore, either. He went to visit Hedwig once, but went the wrong way and ended up in the Astronomy Tower, where he ran into Malfoy, who wore a sparkly pink T-Shirt that read "Harry Potter Is My Hero". He tried to plant kisses all over the Gryffindor, who smashed his newest empty bottle of Ogden's over Draco's head. He then dragged Malfoy's unconcious form down to the hospital wing. Once he got there he realized he was a wizard and could have magicked him down.

"Hang on a sec -" Harry said, "I'M A WIZARD!" He couldn't believe it.

Meanwhile, Draco was dying from bloodloss. Harry left him outside the hospital wing and skipped up to Dumbledore's office.

"Dumbledore, guess what? You'll never believe it!" he yelled to the stone gargoyle. The gargoyle looked up at him

"Kid, I'm a fucking gargoyle. Dumbledore's up there, and you need a password."

"Ummm..." Harry looked at him with crossed eyes. "Fizzing Whizzbee." The gargoyle jumped to the side. Harry marveled at his own intelligence, and walked up to Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore wasn't there, so he looked at all his stuff and went through all his things. Then he saw Fawkes.

"Fawkes!" Harry said delightedly. He fed Fawkes some of his Firewhisky. The pheonix chugged it gratefully, then swayed and burst into flames. Harry laughed. Then Harry saw the Pensieve he had snooped into in his fourth year.

He went over and repeated history. This time, putting his head in the basin, he found an entirely different kind of memory.

***

"I...I love you, Mickey," Dumbledore stuttered drunkenly. He looked down Minerva McGonagalls shirt happily.

They were at a party, a big staff party it seemed, in the Room of Requirement. As Harry only discovered it last year, it must have been during the summer. All the staff were there, and they were all wearing party hats. The walls were decorated with streamers, and the light was almost migraine-inducing.

"HOW many times do I have to ASK YOU not to call me MICKEY? It's McGonagall or Minerva. Or Boo Boo Kitty Fuck." She giggled and put her arm around him. "Albus, we need a room alone."

A door appeared in the side of the wall. It seemed no one else noticed it, so they disappeared into it, giggling, and Harry heard the door lock. He also heard Dumbledore's voice in his ear.

"I think it's time to come out, Harry."

***

"Uh.. Dumbledore.. I'm sorry I-" he was cut off.

"It's okay Harry - curiousity is normal. Very normal in fact.." Dumbledore smiled at him. "Uh, anyway, what did you come to see me for?"

"Dumbledore- I'm a WIZARD!" he cried happily.

Dumbledore looked stunned. He was completely speechless for a moment. He finally spoke.

"Uh, Harry, there's no such thing as wizards." Dumbledore frowned and worried about the kid's health.

"But there is! I can PROVE IT!" Harry shouted. He walked over to Dumbledore's window, facing the lake. He saw the giant squid and pointed his wand at it. The squid climbed out of the lake.

Dumbledore surveyed this with mild interest. "Harry, I think you may be right. This isn't something I've ever seen before - perhaps Madam Pomfrey should see to you."

Harry remembered that Draco was outside the hospital wing. Maybe he ought to tell Dumbledore the truth. "Dumbledore... I have to confess something. Me and Poppy... have had a 'falling out' of sorts. She won't want to treat me. Besides, I'm fine."

"Thank you for telling me the truth, Harry. Very well. But watch those powers carefully. This is very peculiar - I don't believe in magic, but whatever you're doing is amazing. This could revolutionize the world as we know it!"

Harry waited until Dumbledore's senility kicked in and he wandered out of his own office. Harry used his wand and newfound powers to break into the Headmaster's store cupboard and stole five bottles of Firewhisky.

He walked slowly back to the dormitory. In no rush, he opened up one of the bottles and drowned it in one. "Head Boy my ASS!" he yelled at the empty corridor. They hadn't given him any duties since he became a drunk.

Halfway back, he ran into Draco again. "You again! I thought I left you to die." Harry grumbled.

"You did, but, Pomfrey found me, and brought me back to health. Besides, you didn't mean to, did you?" Malfoy batted his eyelashes at him.

"No, actually I didn't. I made a realisation just as we arrived-"

"What's that?" Draco interrupted lovingly. He seemed to look like he was expecting something.

"I..uh..." Thrown off by Malfoy's look, he stuttered. "I discovered I'm a wizard."

"You're a what?"

"A wizard. I can make magical things happen." Draco's eyes widened at this and he looked disbelieving.

"Um, are you feeling alright, Potter?" Malfoy had a hint of his old self.

"I could very well ask you the same damn question, Malfoy. But I'm serious. Look, I can prove it." he walked to the window and stared out of it. Draco came over and wrapped his arms around Harry and looked out the window too.

"What are we looking at, Potter, your Mudblood friend and her welfare buddy?" he sneered. Harry was a little thrown off. Malfoy seemed more like himself every moment. Yet he still had his arms around Harry.

"No, look, the giant squid." Sure enough, the giant squid was still out of the lake, and had its long arms wrapped around Madam Hooch. She didn't look like she was fighting it. Harry shuddered. He emtpied another bottle.

"Now see here, Draco! Goddamnit, why have you been following me around? This isn't ... like you..." the Firewhisky kicked in. "I love you man, you know that right?"

"I've been waiting to hear you say that all my life!" Draco wept. He leaned over and kissed Harry passionately.

Harry fell in love instantly.