Imperfections of Perfection

Added note/disclaimer: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope "

XV

Fallen Heroes

Draco was always the strong one. Maybe he didn't seem like it and maybe he never believed himself to be strong, but he was. He was always the one who came up with the method, the strategy. He wasn't stupid - he was far from stupid...

And yet, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't think of a single reason as to why Draco would drive himself to this point.

Draco was an overachiever. Always trying, body-slamming a brick wall until either the wall broke him into a million little pieces or he broke through the wall. Everything he did was with one purpose - NOTICE ME.

He lived in a dark home - oh, it was grand and spacious, full of windows and sparkling sunlight. Full of water fountains that sprouted water for wishes. Overflowing with gardens and the perfect dream home...

But he lived in a world that believed children should be seen and never heard. At first he was a good little boy and then he finally acted out. He picked fights with Potter, did everything he could to get noticed. Most of the Slytherins didn't like him because they thought like everyone else that we should just bow down our heads and keep silent, to the shadows. But Draco wasn't like that. He liked to show off - he wanted the moon - no he wanted the sun because the sun shone much brighter.

When we were younger, he'd told me that our parents wanted us to get married. I'd punched him and given him a black eye. I didn't want to get married to anyone. I wanted to be free and so he'd smiled and told me he'd give me my freedom. Then as we grew older he was the one who went and picked up the pieces when I broke. When we arrived at school, he was the one who took all of us and patched us up. He was the one support we had. I remember overhearing Weasley and Potter discussing Crabbe and Goyle - they'd said Crabbe and Goyle were too stupid to do anything except grunt and point. Draco was the one who'd gotten them to not listen and do their best.

Draco was everyone's friend. For some odd reason, we'd all believed that while Potter would save the Wizarding world that didn't support the Dark Lord, Draco would save us - the lost children of the Darkness.

But Draco was human too.

In the end he couldn't take it and he ran away. They told us - Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, and me to give it up. He wasn't going to come back. He was a coward. He wasn't going to save us ever. And yet, somehow he had saved us.

Blaise and I agreed that the reason why we'd both survived was because we'd followed Draco's philosophy - never give up.

Life's going to push you down and you're going to keep getting up. Draco believed in us.

Now it was up to us to believe in him.

xxx

Draco was in the Hospital Wing. He'd been there for six days. He hadn't gotten up even once. Potter told me that when I showed up. Draco was sleeping, drugged because he'd started throwing up and kept on throwing up even though he hadn't eaten anything in a long time.

Draco didn't look like the strong boy I remembered. In all my memories Draco was there to fix me - to fix us. He'd never fallen and stayed on the floor. Every time someone punched him or life flung him down, he'd get right back up and say, "All right. Bring it on. I'm ready for the next round."

It seemed like that to me. But this time, I realized, he'd fallen and he just didn't have the energy to get back up. He didn't have anything left to give. He'd given everything he had already.

How had he fallen, I didn't know.

Draco was thin, painfully so. I could take his hand in mine and touch my index finger with my thumb half way up his arm. I could wrap my hand around his arm, near his elbow. He was bone - he wasn't just skin and bones anymore. His skin was dry and I could see that he looked really, really sick.

"His liver's failing," Potter told me quietly. "And his kidneys are pretty much gone. He's got an infection again. Madam Pomfrey's doing everything she can with Acheron's help. But..."

They don't think he's gonna make it.

The words were unspoken and they hung in the air between us. It had never seemed perfect. Never perfect - life was far from perfect, but what he and Draco had was perfect.

I would've thought they'd have the violent and passionate relationship, not this sweetness.

Maybe it just hadn't been there long enough. Maybe if they'd been given more time together it would be different. Maybe it'd be me fixing Draco this time around. It'd be me mending his broken heart rather than having him fixing mine.

"He can't die," I whispered.

"He won't," Potter said, looking at me in the eyes. "He won't die. I won't let him. He'll make it. God help me, but if it kills me, he'll live. I promise you that."

"You can't promise that," I said. "You can't! You might be Harry bleeding Potter the fucking savior of the world, but you can't save a single boy's life!"

"I can when I love him!" Potter yelled at me.

"You what?"

"I love him," Potter repeated evenly. "I won't lose him. I won't. I love him and if he won't fight for himself, I'll fight for him. You want to know why? Because I think I found something - someone worth fighting for - someone worth living for. That's him and God help anyone who tries to make me let him go. I love him and that's all that matters!"

I took a deep breath and stopped before I could say anything because Draco was awake and he was staring at Harry with a look I'd never seen on his face. And as Draco's best friend, I'd seen my share of expressions on his face. Fear, pride, hate, envy, and almost everything in between apathy and compassion. And love - but only for Potter. And now I saw on his face - wonder.

"You love me?" he murmured and Potter turned.

"Of course I do, silly," he said gently. "I love you with everything I can possess."

And the thing that really broke my heart was that Draco honestly didn't believe he deserved to be loved. He didn't believe that he could be loved.

And now that someone loved him... he was going to die.

I've never known sorrow or grief. My parents never gave a damn about me - I was born a girl and therefore worthless. And since I had no looks or brains, I had nothing going for me. When my parents died, I couldn't care less. They hadn't loved me and I hadn't loved them it was that simple. We'd been strangers living in the same part of the world. You don't feel anything for a stranger that dies.

Blaise had mourned for his mother when she'd died. But I'd never had to mourn and I mourned now.

I mourned for Draco and Potter. I mourned for the both of them because... they just weren't meant to be.

I couldn't see any sign of hope. He was going to get sicker and die. That's just the way it was.

Enemies do not become lovers and live happily ever after. That's a story... this is real life.

In real life, Draco was going to die.

- George Eliot.

A/N: A bit pessimistic in my opinion, but there's always hope somewhere... Just that I think Pansy would be a bit more pessimistic than most. Plus, Draco's pretty bad right now in the story. As for Harry... yeah... he's in love with him. Though it seems kind of fast... I kind of messed up the timing, I think...

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