Imperfections of Perfection

Added note/disclaimer: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

"And nothing to look backward to with pride

And nothing to look forward to with hope."

VII

Dead Ends

"Look," I said to the Golden Trio. "I just wanted to tell you... I'm sorry for how I've acted in the past. I was wondering if we could start over and -"

"No," Granger said flatly. Weasley and Potter looked like they agreed with her.

I'm sorry, I thought. I could feel my throat tightening.

"Yeah, Malfoy," said Weasley, "we don't want you around - at all. So piss off."

I didn't want to - it hurt again because I was already down and Weasley had just kicked me down even further. I just needed for Potter to kick me a little bit more.

"I can't," he said. "I'm sorry - I can't just forgive you because you ask me to!"

I understood. I really did. My behavior was unforgivable. And there was my soul, back into the gutter. Granger opened her mouth and I wanted to tell her, go on, tell me what a sonofabitch I am... how unfeeling, how I'm a bleeding monster, a waste of human life. Go on, kick me a little more. I just died anyway, go on.

"Look, Malfoy," she said. "I forgive you, for what it's worth."

"What!" Weasley spluttered in the far distance.

Thank you for the venom, Granger, I thought. I swallowed and felt my eyes beginning to burn.

I was not going to cry.

"But I can't start over... I can't promise you that we'll be friends. You've hurt me... my friends - the people I care about. Some of them you can't ask forgiveness from, Malfoy. I'll forgive you, but I won't be friends with you."

Longbottom, I thought and I felt even worse.

"All right," I managed to whisper. I turned to go; my soul was already shattered anyway. I didn't have any pride left. There wasn't anything to hope for anymore. I was just as lost in a world that was too cruel. Yet, Granger's words gave me a little bit of hope.

"It's more than I expected, anyway."

Did I say that aloud? I let the door swing shut behind me.

I'm sorry. I tried, Pansy. Really, I did.

xxx

My throat hurt.

I sat the Slytherin table, watching Pansy and Blaise flirt. I was glad for them, really I was. They both deserved to be happy. They deserved it more than I did.

I looked down at my food and quickly looked around before I whispered a quick word.

I didn't want to go and throw up. It was wrong - I know it's wrong, but I have to get it out. I can't stand food in my stomach.

It growled at me now, but I ignored it. I always ignored it at home. Nobody cared. Besides, it was my control. I need control.

And if it kills me, I refuse to give into my body's demands. I don't care. I WON'T EAT. I can't.

I made it disappear and I felt much better. It was gone.

But it looked delicious.

No, I told myself firmly. I won't eat. If I don't eat I'll pass that stupid Charms exam.

"Hey, Draco," said Pansy, holding out her fork. "Here, try this - this is delicious."

"What is it?" I asked warily. No... No, I don't want it!

"Knickerbocker glory," she said. "It's been charmed not to melt. Here, open your mouth."

I'll get rid of it. I swear I will, I thought.

I opened my mouth and allowed her to feed me. It tasted so good. My stomach growled even more, but I refused after she fed me three spoonfuls of the ice cream dessert.

"I'm going to bed," I told them. "I'm tired."

They nodded as Pansy started feeding Blaise and Blaise fed her. It was disgusting, really. But hey, who am I to judge? [Author ID1: at Sun Jun 4 05:49:00 2006 ]

xxx

I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. I'd eaten that crap. How the bloody hell could I have taken that in? I felt nauseous - I needed to get rid of it. I stumbled out of bed and went to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, without turning on the lights and slid my finger down my throat. I felt the bile coming up my throat and I threw up gratefully, but I kept my fingers in my throat - I needed to get rid of everything.

Finally, I was sure there was nothing left. I stood up and washed my mouth, along with my hands. No one knew, I told myself. Pansy and Blaise weren't back yet, so there was no way they might've heard.

I sighed and went out of the dormitory. There was no way I was going to sleep now.

"Draco!" Blaise said.

"Ow!" I said, landing sprawled inelegantly on the stairs.

"Sorry!" he said, peering at me in concern.

"It's all right," I told him, taking Pansy hand and let her help me up.

"I thought you were asleep," Pansy said.

"I was." I told them. "Now I'm not and I can't go back to sleep."

"I'll get you a potion," Pansy told me.

"No. It's all right. I'm going to go out for a run."

"A run?"

"Yes," I said. It was something I'd picked up recently from the Muggle world. Back at home - back at the Haven, I mean, not Malfoy Manor. Malfoy Manor was my father's home. The Haven was my home - and my brother's.

Acheron had made it my home when he took me in and taught me that even a Malfoy can love. He taught me new values. I don't know how, but somehow he'd integrated his beliefs into me, breaking through my Father's beliefs.

Now, I think it was love. It had to have been because he loved me. Acheron... I knew he loved me - I don't know exactly how or why, but I knew that he was the only person in the world who loved me unconditionally.

He was my big brother... my new role model and when he'd suggested I go to the Muggle school nearby, I'd gone to make him happy.

It was there that I'd picked up the idea of jogging, of running laps. Melson, one of my mates, took me out for a morning run and now, I ran whenever I felt everything was going out of control.

I need control. I don't know why - just need it.

It was dark, but the sky was lightening up as the new day dawned and I was surprised at how long I'd slept and it made me uneasy.

So I ran around the Black Lake. One lap, two laps... three... four...

I'd run until I was tired.

xxx

"What were you doing this morning?" Granger asked me rudely when she cornered me in the library.

"I thought you weren't my friend - that you'd forgive me, but you wouldn't go for friendship."

"I do forgive you," she said. "And as a concerned classmate, I'm asking you - what were you doing this morning?"

"Running laps," I told her. "Is that a crime?"

She flushed darkly before she said, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why were you running laps?"

"Because exercise makes me feel better - happy?" I asked her shortly.

She looked at me suspiciously.

"And why do you care, Granger?"

"I don't," she told me.

"So, then mind your own business," I retorted.

"But Harry does," she told me and I stopped in the middle of taking a breath to talk.

Har - I mean, Potter cared?

I know you hate me, I thought at her darkly, but please don't do this to me. Don't you dare make me think anyone cares about me because it'll hurt all the more when I realize they don't.

"Yes," she said. "Harry cares about you. I don't know why, I can't tell you how he cares, I just know. I saw his face when he was watching you out the window."

xxx

I ate an apple. It was dinner and Pansy was talking softly to Blaise. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew that they were talking about me. I bit into the apple, the taste filling my mouth. I chewed it slowly, before letting it fall down into my throat. It immediately tightened and I felt like throwing up, but I forced myself to swallow it. I took another bite, trying to ignore how my stomach protested and welcomed it.

Don't be sick...

"Draco?" Pansy said, turning to look at me.

"What is it, Pansy?" I asked her finally, swallowing.

"Have you eaten at all today?"

"I'm eating!" I told her, taking a big bite out of my apple to prove my point.

"Aside from that apple," Blaise said.

"What does it matter to you?" I asked warily. I'd had people forcing me to eat. Acheron had dragged me to a Muggle hospital thing and they'd stuck a needle in my arm. I'd convinced them I was fine. They couldn't do anything.

You mustn't lose any more weight, Draco.

I'm fine! There's nothing wrong - just leave me alone.

"We're your friends," said Pansy. "And you're our friend. Draco... you're looking... a little too thin..."

"I'm fine!" I snapped. "Mind your own business Pansy! It's my business what I eat and what I don't!"

There was a ringing silence. Slowly I turned and realized how loud my voice had been. I'd literally screamed it at her. I saw people looking at me...

I saw Potter's green eyes looking at me.

"What?" I asked sharply.

Slowly they turned back to their food. And a moment later, everyone forgot about it. I knew they had because everyone always forgot. Besides they had no idea what I was talking about. And I didn't have a problem. I don't.

Pansy looked at me reproachfully. "I'm sorry, Draco. We were just... worried about you. But... I guess it's understandable."

I laughed, "It's okay Pansy." Understandable? It was my control. How could she understand that? "I'm just a little stressed out," I continued. "My appetite's not doing so well lately... not with my..." I trailed off.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. I forgave her and she knew I did.

xxx

I walked into the bathroom. I'd eaten an entire meal today - at dinner. It was settling uneasily into my stomach and I'd eaten to make Pansy happy - and Acheron. We hadn't talked much lately; he was the new head of our house and the Muggle Studies professor.

I quickly looked around, making sure no one was inside the boys' bathroom.

Good, I thought to myself. They can't make me stop. They can't make me lose my control - this is my control, I told myself as I slid my fingers down my throat. I didn't even have to do it too much before I started throwing up into the toilet. I kept my fingers inside my throat, trying to make sure that everything was gone. This is my control - food. It is the one thing I have control of - if I cannot control my life, I thought then... then I'd control this.

I retched again, but nothing came out. It was gone - I hoped. I flushed the toilet and yanked the door of the stall opened only to find the Mudblood - Granger, ready to knock. She stared at me.

What are you doing here? Don't you realize this is a boys' restroom? Maybe you just got all that mud in your brain and you can't figure it out. I wanted to scream it at her. But I didn't. I'd already called that truce with her. But I had the panicky sensation that I was running on a floor that was slipping underneath my feet. Granger was much too smart. She'd figure it out - insult her you idiot, I mentally screamed at myself. She wouldn't be able to think if I infuriated her.

"Malfoy," Granger said. "What happened? You look sick.... You sounded like you were sick."

No, I'm fine. Thanks. I don't need your concern - that's what I wanted to tell her, but my voice wouldn't for some mysterious reason.

"Go to Madam Pomfrey," Granger told me then, looking at me with the same expression Pansy had looked at me during dinner.

No, I don't think I will. I'm fine, I thought as I shook my head mutely.

She frowned at me before she said, "You need to take care of yourself, Malfoy. I think you need to go to Madam Pomfrey."

"I'm fine!" I told her finally.

Slowly, she nodded, but she still had that expression on her face that said she didn't believe me. She cast one last look at me as she walked out of the boys' bathroom. Then she was gone, leaving me by myself once again. I looked at myself again in the mirror. I was fine. I was better than fine - I was perfect and in control.

I nodded at myself in the mirror as I brought my hand up to touch my throat. Through the glamour spell I'd perfected and cast since third year, when Madam Pomfrey had clucked over my weight and how bony I looked, I could feel the hardness of the bone. I could stick almost my whole finger into the dip between my collarbone and my throat. But there was nothing wrong with that.

xxx

The next day, when I took a shower, I was washing my hair, when a few strands of it fell out in my hand. I stared.

I didn't know why it was falling out. I shivered. There was nothing wrong. Right? There's nothing wrong with not eating... right? There might be something wrong with eating and throwing it up, but there's nothing wrong with not eating.

I just need to control it. I can control it. I'm still in control. And as long as I'm in control... I'll be perfect.

- Robert Frost

A/N: As you might've already noticed, the first scene overlaps with Hermione's last scene. Anyway... people do notice the problem. They just don't register it. And as for Draco's running laps... well, anorexia is two things - not eating or a severe diet or normal food intake and usually, but not always paired with way too much exercise. Oh, and the second to last scene in this chapter is the first scene in the "Prologue"

Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:

1. All right then, just for the record... Most people with bulimia won't admit there's something wrong to other people, but they admit to themselves. Mind you, this is most bulimics - not all. Now, anorexia is different. The people with anorexia have a very bad problem. Most of them don't admit they've got a problem. Kind of like an addiction, I suppose. To the anorexic, it makes perfect sense that they don't eat. It makes sense to them and they truly believe it's logical. That is, until it starts falling apart and they start getting sick. That's when it begins to dawn on them that they've got a problem. Now, all of this is drawn from research. I've never had the anorexic eating disorder... I'm not so sure I've never had an eating disorder at all since more people than you might think have eating disorders - they just don't realize it. Like, for example, someone who eats one small meal a day will deny they are anorexic because they eat. Let's say they eat bread and water and nothing else. They're anorexic because they're severely limiting their nutritional intake. Now, let's take someone who eats when they're bored. They're not compulsive eaters yet - but they've got a higher risk of becoming compulsive eaters. Obesity - that's another eating disorder and it's probably underestimated since most people focus on anorexia. There's tons of eating disorders out there... and I'll stop rambling on this subject. I'll ramble when I've got a medical class that deals with eating disorders. I'll get an M.D. someday (I hope... just need to pass my classes with flying colors so I can go to Harvard Medical...eek!)

Oh, yeah - anorexics lose their hair sometimes - or it becomes thinner because it's really unhealthy! Dry skin, hair. Brittle hair and fingernails... can't remember why off-hand, but there's a medical reason for it. (Sorry about rambling!)

B/N: I think it has something to do with vitamin deficiencies caused by not eating, but I'm not sure.