Much Ado About Stalking

MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: FRIDAY


7:26 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room


"Um, Remus," Peter looked up from his homework, scratching his nose with a quill. "Would you mind reading through my Dragon Wars essay? I think I'm still a bit confused as to who ate whom..."

"Not just now, Peter," Remus smiled apologetically. "I'm meeting Severus in a few minutes."

"What, again?" Sirius sat up with a grimace.

"But certainly," Remus leaned forward, carefully packing his books, "Why, were you planning to join us once more?"

"No," Sirius muttered, "I'm just surprised that yesterday's scene didn't put him off."

"It's hard to scare Snape," Peter announced sagely. "Remember, it's not like we haven't tried before. Like the time we put all those spiders in his cupboard, and he didn't even scream or anything."

"No," James reminisced. "He just smiled and announced that Christmas must have come early for once. The problem with Snape," he explained, "is that he is insane. Not unlike yourself, Sirius," he pointed out helpfully. "Perhaps that's why you feel so strongly about him."

"I do not," Sirius groaned. "I wish he'd go away. Why can't he just keep his abnormally large nose out of our business?"

"Yes, his nose IS rather large, isn't it?" Lily cut in, struck by a sudden thought. "And, well, you know what they say," she giggled, avoiding James' eye. "Big nose, big..."

"Lily!" James was shocked to his very core. Remus just blinked; Sirius groaned and hid his face with his hands. Peter, meanwhile, moved closer to Lily.

"Big nose, big what?" he asked, his own ink-stained nose twitching quizzically.

But Lily had caught sight of James' horrified expression, and was now lost in helpless, endless laughter.

"Sirius?" Peter tried hopefully.

Sirius groaned again, before rising and striding across the room to the fireplace. Once there, he struck a tragic pose.

Remus made as if to follow. "I'm a little worried about Padfoot," he confessed to the others.

"I know," James agreed, glad of any excuse to put the image Lily's words had conjured out of his mind. "All that paranoia, all that manic energy... where have they gone? He's been moping around like we've lost the Cup to Hufflepuff. What's wrong with him?"

"I should think it's rather obvious." Lily announced, her giggles under control at last. She paused for a quick glance towards Sirius, who was now banging his head slowly on the mantel, still safely out of ear-shot. "He is jealous," she stated confidently. "Jealous of the time Snape has been spending with you, Remus."

"Jealous?" Remus repeated quietly. "Yes, I'd thought of that, too. But surely," he continued, his voice weakening further, "Sirius realizes that I would never stand in his way."

James gazed suspiciously at friend and girlfriend both. "Are you two speaking in code?"

"Not the same code, apparently," Lily replied. "Remus, you can't possibly think... I mean, I do know that with Sirius around one should always expect the unexpected, but surely you can't believe that he is after Snape?"

"Oh heavens no," James gasped. "It is true that Sirius has no taste -- the man does enjoy Hagrid's cooking -- but, really, Snape? That's taking it much too far. Snape's culinary equivalent would be, um... a bubotuber pie."

"Not quite the way I'd put it," Lily muttered, "but the underlying sentiment rings true. No, Remus," she said in a low voice, turning to face him, "I do not believe that Sirius is jealous of you over Snape. In fact, I'd say it was just the opposite."

"Ah," was all Remus could say as he stared off into space, his eyes widening.

"Enough of this gossip," James announced. "Let's do something practical to try and snap him out of it. Perhaps we could replace his wand with a flobberworm... Or dare him to steal Dumbledore's underwear. Oh, give me half a chance," he responded to Lily's sceptical look. "These are just some preliminary ideas. If only you'd come up to my room for a few hours," he grinned teasingly, "I'm sure I could come up with something truly brilliant."

"Asking me to be your muse IS fairly brilliant," Lily agreed. "I think I will go. Good evening, gentlemen."

"Good evening," Remus replied vaguely. "I should be off myself, anyway."

And, soon, the table was empty except for Peter, who was still staring off into space.

"Big nose, big... feet?" he mumbled quietly to himself. "Big wand? No, that's not funny..."

With a sigh, he turned back to his essay.





9:22 PM: An Abandoned Classroom


"I'm not sure that I'd call Cuthbert the Cyan a Dark wizard," Remus mused, looking up from his copy of 'Who's Who And How Evil Were They.'

"I suppose you approve of all the time he wasted mucking about with his friends," Severus suggested archly. "Pity that they were all
vampires."

"He spent much of that time trying to invent a human blood substitute," Remus replied, "and that makes him a very light wizard, in my book."

"Oh, but you forget that he was a Slytherin," Snape pointed out teasingly. "We all know all about those Slytherins."

"Yes, dark wizards to a man," Remus looked down with a smile. "Almost as bad as the vampires. But don't you think it's rather misguided," he asked evenly, "to judge a man you've never met harshly just because he's a Slytherin -- or even a vampire?"

"Certainly," Snape replied happily, leaning back in his chair. "We Slytherins are much misunderstood. And underrated. Are you aware," he asked, toying with his House scarf, "that most of the truly revolutionary magical advances have been made by our distinguished alumni?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. Severus met his gaze, and held it while he expanded on his argument.

"I like to think of it this way: while you Gryffindors run around, waving your large swords," he smiled briefly, and loosened his collar, "while the Ravenclaws get all excited over obscure texts, and while Hufflepuffs... do whatever it is they do, something involving grunting effort, no doubt -- we Slytherins move the world forward!"

"By thinking up new ways to get ahead?" Remus suggested. "But at what cost?"

"Granted," Severus agreed, "people HAVE often been killed, as a side effect -- or even as the intended effect -- of Slytherin experiments, but the progress they made has sometimes benefitted everyone. One might say," he grinned, "that our means have come to justify our ends."

Remus rolled his eyes, smiling faintly.

"Oh, come on, admit it," Severus urged, smirking into the other boy's eyes. "I do have a point."

"Perhaps," Remus admitted, "but it's a very twisted one."

Severus pulled off the scarf still twisted around his neck and looked at it intently. "You're right," he shrugged, "I'm not even sure that I buy it myself. I was just trying to come up with an argument that might help me to foster friendship between our two houses."

"Is that what you're trying it do?" Remus asked quietly. "It sounds like you've set yourself a very difficult task."

"Do you consider it impossible?" Severus sat up sharply.

"Well... recent events would seem to suggest," Remus began, "that the rift runs deep. Just think of the fights after that last Quidditch match," he smiled faintly.

"The effects of mob mentality," Snape waved a dismissive hand. "I do not hold out much hope for the behaviour of the masses -- even the massed members of my own House. The most I would hope for is friendship among... individuals," he finished, leaning forward, his eyes questioning and intense.

"What, like us?" Remus smiled, broadly this time. "Oh, that's definitely possible. We're quite friendly already, wouldn't you say?"

Nodding slowly, Severus smiled in return. Remus stared; he couldn't help it. Severus' sudden grin was quite unlike his usual knowing smirk, with its dark sarcastic undertones. It looked so heart-felt, so uncomplicated, that it transformed the boy's face into that of someone happy and young and accepting. Remus was reminded of Sirius -- and of James, and Peter, of the few people who had ever beamed at him like that. He couldn't help beaming back.

The boys sat there for a moment, smiling eyes locked. Then, slowly, Severus' pupils, already wide with some strong emotion, expanded further. Moving with great care, he lifted one arm and slid it across the table until his fingertips just touched Remus' scarf.

Sighing, he leaned forward, grabbed at the scarf and pulled.

Remus sobered quickly, and the smile slid off his face, leaving behind no trace of expression. He did not move back; but he held himself so still that the tug failed to budge him at all. The scarf unwound, and came off in Severus' hand, and Remus still just stared, unreadable as ever.

At last, he opened his mouth as if to speak.

Severus interpreted this action in his own way. Moving swiftly now, he leaned further towards Remus and met his mouth in a kiss.

Remus made a muffled sound and sank back in his chair a little: still, the back-rest held him up. His hands rose up slightly, but without purpose. Shocked, both by the unexpected action and the unfamiliar sensation, he floated, for a while, beyond all thought.

Then, before he'd had time to recover, the door popped over with a creak. The two boys jumped apart, and turned quickly to face the new arrival.

Strangely enough, it wasn't Sirius. It was a tall blonde girl wearing a frilly robe and a deliberately innocent expression.

"Sorry to interrupt your... study group," she said brightly. "It's just that I think I've left something behind in here. You haven't seen a lilac bra around, have you?" With those words, she walked into the room and started poking about under the furniture.

Remus looked over at Severus, who was now staring at an open book with a hawk-like intensity. "Severus," he asked mildly, "isn't that book upside down?"

Severus flipped the book around, throwing a quick glare at the girl, who was whistling nonchalantly and showing no signs at all of imminent departure. He said nothing, perhaps not trusting his voice.

"I think I'd better go," Remus decided. "We're done here... with the essay. I'll, er, see you around?" he asked dazedly, shouldering his bag and reaching down for his scarf.

Severus nodded.





9:44 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room (again)


Peter had been working on his essay for a couple of hours, when, suddenly, his face turned red to the tips of his ears, and he started chortling.

"What are you giggling about?" Sirius asked sullenly, slouching back in his seat.

"I get it at last! I really do!" Peter announced. "Big nose, big..." he choked out, only to be reduced to helpless sniggers. "It's so funny because it's so true," he explained at last, wiping a tear from one half-closed eye.

"Oh, shut up," Sirius muttered.

"No, really," Peter continued. "I mean, you saw that thong..."

"SHUT UP!" Sirius yelled.

Peter cowered, a quill falling from his fingers.

"Oh, sorry, Peter," Sirius sighed. "I've just realized something rather... bizarre... about myself." He reached down for the quill, dark hair flipping forward to conceal his face. "I don't know what to do," he admitted, carefully laying the implement back on the table.

Peter blinked sympathetically. "I heard James say that you should do something practical," he offered.

Sirius looked up at him. "That makes sense," he announced. "Although please, please don't tell him I said so," he added in an under-tone. Eyes flashing, he rose to his feet. "After all, I've always believed in DOING things," he announced, "consequences be damned!" And, with a final flourish, he left the room.





10:01 PM: An Unused Classroom


Sirius opened the door to the unused classroom and peered in. The lights were all off, and a cold breeze was creeping in through an open window, carrying with it the odd dry bramble: all of this led him to deduce that there was no study session in progress at the moment. With a sigh, he leaned back against the door-frame. He looked up at the window, and then down the wall, where moonlight glittered across silver on the surface of a mirror.

But that wasn't the only silver thing he saw. Beyond the mirror, he glimpsed a silver-striped scarf. A silver-and-green-striped scarf around the neck of a boy sitting on a bench in a cupboard's shadow.

"You're alone, then," Sirius said.

Even he himself cringed at the utter obviousness of this comment, and so he braced himself for a sneering insult. It never came -- and wasn't its absence as good as an invitation?

So Sirius walked in, closing the door behind him and shutting out the flickering torches outside. The room grew obviously darker, and the two figures in it grew quite indistinct, until they could have been almost anybody. A strange mood settled over the place, as if nothing outside mattered and all dreams, even the most outlandish, were possible.

"I do wish," Sirius spoke, and his voice sounded strange, alien even to his own ears, "that last night had turned out... quite differently. Mind if I join you?" he asked.

"No, not at all," replied a hoarse whisper.

"Always so formal," Sirius muttered, half to himself, as he sat down on the bench, half a foot away from the other boy. He said nothing further, just stared off into space, waiting for some signal: some insult, perhaps, that would force him to begin yet another wrestling match.

A few moments passed, but there was no insult to be heard. All that he could hear was human breathing, fast and shallow. Excited, perhaps.

He could take it no longer. He turned, and moved forward, and kissed the other boy.

He had barely had time to notice -- and wonder at -- the lack of large-nose-related awkwardness, when he felt his partner respond, wildly and completely. Strong hands pulled his shoulders closer and dug into his back until their two bodies were meshed together as closely as their lips. Breathless, Sirius felt a shiver run the length of his body.

It was only when he started tugging at the other boy's clothes that he realized something was wrong. The person he was kissing seemed entirely too familiar for comfort. There was something about the scent, the worn-out robes, and that sudden outburst of long-repressed passion that forced him to reach a surprising conclusion.

"Remus!" he gasped, pulling away with some difficulty.

"Sirius," Remus whispered in reply.

Sirius held perfectly still, perhaps for the first time in his life. And, for the first time in his memory, his mind was blank, empty of ideas.

"Um," he muttered. "I'm sorry about that."

"No," Remus replied eagerly, "please don't be sorry..."

"But I AM," Sirius insisted, "I shouldn't have done that."

"There's no need to... oh," Remus faltered. Even in the darkness, he seemed suddenly much smaller. "Apology accepted," he whispered. "Although," he continued, his voice growing lighter, "your reaction to me is really nothing to apologize for. It's perfectly understandable that, when I lost control, you..."

Sirius almost laughed. "Oh, Moony," he breathed, "is that what you thought? Surely you know me well enough to realize that I have never approved of this self-control obsession of yours!"

"What's wrong, then?" Remus had leaned back, putting some space between the two boys.

"Well, it's quite funny really," Sirius began, eager to share a joke with a friend. "When I came in here, I thought you were S... oh, bugger," he paused suddenly. "I thought you were, um, s-somewhat depressed, and I wanted to cheer you up," he suggested hopefully.

"And you thought that a single kiss from you would be all it would take?" Remus asked, his voice almost back to normal.

"It's a well known fact that a kiss from me would drive even a Dementor mad with joy," Sirius announced.

"Bloody egomaniac," Remus groaned affectionately.

Sirius relaxed. "So," he began, "what were you doing here all alone? I thought this was supposed to be a study meeting."

"No, no, that's over," Remus sighed. "And we met somewhere else, anyway; I only came here to think."

"Where did you meet?" Sirius asked, rather quickly.

"The Abandoned Classroom... But why do you want to know?" Remus tensed slightly. "I hope that you didn't come here with mayhem in mind. I do assure you that, well... there is nothing going on between Severus and myself," he lied hopefully.

"I know, I know," Sirius announced. "I have no clue where I got THAT ridiculous idea from: it must have been something I ate. I know full well that Snape is not after you."

"Um, right," Remus said. "So, what do you want to do now?" he asked lightly.

"I... have to take care of some business," Sirius replied cryptically. "But I'll see you in our room later," he concluded, sensing a certain expectant tension in the air.

"Oh, good," Remus smiled in the darkness.





10:33 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room (yet again)


"Oh, Remus, you're back," Peter jumped up in his seat. "I'm so glad to see you!" he announced.

"I'm... glad to see you too, Peter," Remus slid into a chair, eyeing his friend suspiciously. The hopeful grin on Peter's face did nothing to dispel his doubts. "Peter," he began slowly, "you don't... I know it sounds absurd, but do you feel any... need... to, er, attack me in any way?"

Peter gaped, fiddling with his essay. "No," he replied at last.

"Oh, good." Remus exhaled. "I'm very glad to hear it. I was starting to fear I'd been Charmed or Cursed. So," he continued, "you haven't noticed anything unusual about my appearance, lately?"

"No," Peter repeated. "Unless... unless you mean that Slytherin scarf you are wearing?"

Remus pulled his scarf off and stared at it for a moment. "I must have picked it up by accident," he muttered, his mind running over the evening's events.

"You should be careful, wearing that," Peter giggled, preparing to deliver a hilarious punchline. "Someone might mistake you for a Slytherin!"

"You're right," Remus said, slowly. "Someone might even mistake me for Snape."

Peter laughed. "You're brilliant at that deadpan humour stuff," he announced with admiration.

"Thanks," Remus mumbled automatically, running his hand across his face.

"So," Peter asked quickly, "would you read my essay now? Sirius said it was good -- well, he said it was good for lighting fires, but I think he meant it kindly..."

"I'm sure he did," Remus interrupted. "He's often kind. It's just that sometimes his kindness is hard to take. I'm sorry, Peter," he said suddenly, "I can't stay here and read your essay tonight. If Sirius turns up... he might... tell him I'm studying, and will be out late."

"It sounds like you're avoiding him," Peter announced suspiciously.

Remus didn't meet his eye. "I think I'll just go and return this scarf," he mumbled vaguely, before stepping out of the door.

Peter shrugged, and went off to dig up a cake his mum had sent him.





10:33 PM: An Abandoned Classroom (again)


Sirius strode into the abandoned classroom. With some pleasure, he noted that it was well-lit, and that Severus Snape, reading at a central table, was immediately and unmistakably recognizable as himself.

"Hello, Snape," he said.

"Hello, Black, welcome," Snape replied sarcastically. "You know, for an abandoned classroom, this place certainly seems to get a lot of traffic."

Sirius looked at the torches, burning so brightly, and decided that this was no time for subterfuge or stealth. "You know, I've got you all figured out," he announced.

"Really?" Snape sneered. "That must be quite a new sensation for you. Are you sure your Bludger-pummeled brain is up to handling it?"

"Yes," Sirius continued with an admirable single-mindedness. "You see, I've realized that you fancy me."

Severus blinked, twice, and shook his head from side to side. "What?" he croaked, once he'd found his voice.

"You fancy me. You want me badly. And that's why you've been stalking me," Sirius explained, smiling his most charming smile.

Severus looked him over uncertainly, taking in his confident grin and his well-developed Quidditch player's physique. "I do assure you, Black," he replied, "that I do not... have not been stalking you."

"Ri-ight," Sirius scoffed. "The ladder, the mirror, those dark stares were all just figments of my over-active imagination. Or perhaps you'd like to offer an alternative explanation?"

"I do not care to offer you anything," Severus announced haughtily. "If you had a half-ounce of brain you'd figure it out for yourself."

"Have it your own way, then," Sirius shrugged. "You have NOT been stalking me. The sun sets in the east. Voldemort is a curly-haired angel. And all that stuff. So," he paused to look Snape up and down in a searching yet appreciative way, "what about it?"

"You're PROPOSITIONING me?" Severus asked, blinking again.

"It seems like a good idea at the time," Sirius replied. "The time being right now."

Severus stared at him. "Be ser... Use your brain, Black," he said at last. "It might seem like a good idea right now, but what about tomorrow? You could never live with yourself. I know I couldn't."

"Perhaps you're right," Sirius shrugged. "No, wait," his face brightened, "what if we cast memory charms on each other afterwards?"

Severus looked him over again, eyebrows raised in surprise. "I like the way your mind works, Black," he drawled. "I don't know if I like anything else about you," he countered, transferring his gaze to the floor. "But, again" he looked up again, "I do like the way your mind works. And there'd be a certain... symmetry to the arrangement that I find appealing. Let's do it!"

Sirius smiled, and reached an arm up across his back. His head disappeared for a moment, concealed within a mess of robes, but in a moment the clothes were on the ground and the triumphant grin was back, accompanied by a reasonably impressive torso. He put his hands on his hips, flexing several muscles.

Severus raised an eyebrow, and loosened his own robes. He shrugged, and the robes slid to the floor, mysteriously accompanied by most of his clothes. The green thong had been replaced by a pair of silver briefs, which shone in the torch-light as he stepped over the pile at his feet.

Involuntarily, Sirius' gaze moved between the briefs and the nose above them. He shut his eyes briefly and cleared his throat. "Aren't you worried, though?" he asked.

"Why? Getting cold feet, are you?" Severus sneered, moving towards him.

"No," Sirius smirked, placing a possessive arm on the other boy's shoulder. "But they do say, you know," he continued insinuatingly, "that once you go Black you can never go back..."

"Shut up, Black," Severus muttered, locking the door with a flick of his wand.

And, indeed, nothing more was said for a little while.





11:17 PM: Outside An Abandoned Classroom


Remus' mind was far away as he reached for the doorknob, leaning into the door. When it failed to open, he stumbled forward a little, falling lightly against the frame.

"I always knew you were a pervert, Snape."

The words snapped him out of his reverie even before he'd registered that the door was locked. That voice, that laughing tone: both were eerily familiar. He jumped away.

A few moments later, unable to help himself, he moved towards the keyhole. Looking through it was not immediately helpful -- all he could see was a wall -- and listening seemed little better. Then, just as he was beginning to relax, he found himself picking up on several little sounds. There were some thumps, some rustles, and some creaks, but it was the breathing that really caught his attention. Those little gasps and half-moans... He was suddenly reminded of the time he'd walked into his bedroom and surprised Lily and James. But these sounds were apparently being made by quite a different friend.

Remus stood up unsteadily, tied the scarf around the doorknob, and walked away.