Much Ado About Stalking

MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: THURSDAY





11:37 AM: The Potions Classroom


"Look, guys!" Sirius whispered feverishly. "Snape's staring our way again!"

Four pairs of eyes rose and gazed off to the right, only to see Snape stirring his potion as innocently as any Slytherin could reasonably manage. And, so, four pairs of eyes turned back towards their own cauldrons, carefully avoiding Sirius' gaze.

"Calm down, Sirius," James muttered, "or your potion will boil over. Why don't you follow Snape's example and stir it?"

"He WAS staring at us, I tell you," Sirius growled.

"Maybe it's because he's noticed you watching him all the time," Lily suggested gently.

"He WAS staring at us," Sirius repeated, "with an odd, hungry glint in his eye."

"Hungry?" Peter piped up. "Well, it has been a while since breakfast... Perhaps he's thinking about lunch. I wonder, " he continued dreamily, "what today's pudding will be..."

"It wasn't THAT kind of hunger," Sirius interrupted. "It was a strange, dark twisted, desperate desire. As I've told you before, and will tell you again until time proves me right: he wants Lily, the pervert!"

There was a moment of silence, marred only by the bubbling of potions.

"You might want to rephrase that, Sirius," Remus suggested, moving to place a restraining hand on James' shoulder. But then James spoke up himself, each of his words a small miracle of cold politeness.

"Sirius, old friend," he said, "are you calling ME a pervert?"

"What?" Sirius finally abandoned his Snape-watching and turned towards James, in some confusion. "Ah... Of course not, you idiot. There's nothing wrong with wanting Lily as such, any sane man would... I mean," he continued quickly, "that he is a pervert not because he likes her, which demonstrates surprisingly good taste, but because he spies on her from afar... Although I now seem to remember that you used to... Oh, never, mind," he concluded, avoiding Lily's sudden quizzical look. "Snape's just a pervert, take my word for it, OK?"

Everyone was silenced by this show of eloquence, which was just as well as Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps picked that very moment to come over and examine their potions.





6:21 PM: The Dining Hall


"Aha!" Sirius exclaimed over dinner. "There he goes again. And this time you can't claim his odd look is due to hunger, not when he's just eaten four chicken drumsticks."

"Maybe he's just shocked to see that you're monitoring his food intake," Lily suggested.

"Or perhaps," added Remus, "he's just shocked that you're spying on him using a small mirror concealed behind your mashed potatoes."

"It's not a mirror, it's just my knife," Sirius muttered indignantly.

"Oh, so it is," James noticed, moving closer. "That, of course, makes all the difference. We must apologize -- we see now that your behaviour is perfectly normal."

"Oh, forget the insults, just look at Snape," Sirius breathed, adjusting his potatoes.

James leaned in closer still. "Wait a moment," he muttered, eyeing the knife. "You're right. He is looking strange -- stranger than usual. Covetous, even." With those words, he sat up with a sudden jerk to stare at Snape outright. There was a challenging gleam in his eye, and he tossed his head as if displaying a powerful set of antlers.

"Oh, stop it," Lily said, shrugging off the proprietary arm he'd placed around her shoulders. "I doubt it's anything to do with me, and even if it is, please, just leave him alone."

"Yes, do leave him alone," Remus seconded. "Snape's many problems are his own business."

"We may leave him alone, but he won't go away," Sirius shook his head sadly. "I know him -- he'll keep his passion hidden in his heart for years to come, and take it out on your children, and your children's children, and your children's..."

"Your potatoes are getting cold, Sirius," Remus pointed out with a gentle smile. "Eat them."

"Unless you don't want them anymore?" Peter asked hopefully.





8:02 PM: The Marauders' Bedroom


"Wait a moment," Sirius muttered suddenly. "I think I hear a sound at the window."

James bristled at the interruption, for he had been entertaining the other three with tales of Quidditch. He gave Sirius a deeply sceptical look (as if his friend had declared that the earth was flat, or that pranks were tedious and immature), and was just preparing to say something equally sceptical when he heard it too -- a subtle scraping sound, coming from the largest window.

They all heard it then. Peter's eyes grew round as gum-balls, and only a well-timed nudge from Sirius prevented him from making a sound. The four boys exchanged rapid looks. James, without a moment's hesitation, launched back into his pointless Quidditch story. Remus yawned and stretched and, with a single graceful gesture, swept the Marauders' Map under a nearby bed and flicked his wand into his hand. And Peter and Sirius started to inch towards the offending window.

Two seconds later, Remus waved his wand and the window opened.

Outwards, of course.

And so the subtle scraping sound was quickly replaced by a thud, followed by a grunt which turned into a scream, followed by a loud crash. It sounded as though something reasonably heavy had fallen down into the bushes below the Tower.
"I should have remembered that the window opens outwards," Remus sighed, looking at his wand with a slight guilty twitch.

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Sirius was hanging half way out the window. "I saw who it was - and it was Snape!"

"Oh, come on, Sirius," James rolled his eyes.

"No, Sirius is right," Peter nodded. "It WAS Snape -- I saw his nose by the light of the waning moon. He was on a ladder," he continued excitedly, "and he fell backwards. All his robes were flapping: he looked rather like a stricken owl."

"Is he badly hurt?" Remus, worried, walked over to the window.

"Unfortunately, no," Sirius replied. "He's run away. But, well, HAH! to you all. I told you he was spying on us."

"Ye-es," James nodded, "He must be. But I thought you said he was spying on Lily? In that case why was he HERE? I'd say he was hoping to overhear our plans, but surely he couldn't have hoped to hear anything through that closed window..."

"Oh, it all makes perfect sense," Sirius explained, "He was hoping to catch a glimpse of Lily making out with you!"

"But, surely," Remus frowned, "if he's really after Lily, then that very sight would drive him mad with jealousy."

"Not necessarily. I told you he was a pervert." Sirius crossed his arms as if he'd just proved his case.

"No, it still makes no sense," James shook his head. "Lily hardly ever comes up here, and if he saw anything at all he must have known she wouldn't be coming up tonight, what with you guys sitting around half naked and all these crumpled candy wrappers everywhere."

"Snape has never made any sense," was Sirius' final statement on the subject.





9:53 PM: Gryffindor Boys' Showers


"James," Sirius yelled over the noise of running water, "Isn't it just me, or does this mirror look strange?"

"What mirror?" James asked, turning off the shower and throwing a lion-emblazoned towel around his boyish hips. "Oh, that mirror? I don't think I've ever noticed a mirror in the showers before, but it looks pretty normal... except," he paused for a moment, his eyebrows rising in shock.

"Except for that odd fuzziness around the edges," Sirius finished for him. "Looks just like a Spy-Mirror, doesn't it?"

"So it does!" James exclaimed. "How lucky for us that you're so, um, familiar with them. But I take it this isn't one of yours?"

"Of course not!" Sirius barked out. "And I bet I know just who it belongs to! That pervert! Cover it, quick!" And, with those words, he ripped off James' towel in an excited frenzy, and tossed it over the mirror.

"Hey!" James protested. "I'm naked, here!"

"All the more reason to cover the mirror," Sirius replied with impeccable logic. "Do you realize what this means?"

"Two things," James replied, "One: if this mirror really belongs to Snape, then he is NOT spying on Lily after all. And two: you owe me a towel."

But Sirius' thoughts were soaring far above concerns as petty as towels. "The question remains: what IS Snape up to? Is he, perhaps, spying for Voldemort?"

"What does the nudity of Gryffindor men have to do with Voldemort?"

"He might be trying to discover our hidden weaknesses," Sirius muttered darkly.

"Oh, yes, very likely. Anyway," James argued, "It's not like your body is a well-guarded secret. You've streaked Hogwarts what, six times now?"

"You're right," Sirius nodded, his dark eyebrows drawn close together. "I was starting to think that perhaps someone was spying on YOU in order to evaluate your Quidditch form, but then even you are well-known for your skinny-dipping."

"Everyone swims in the lake now and then," James shrugged with a blush.

"Ye-es," Sirius mused. "No! Not everyone!" he exclaimed suddenly. "It's all starting to make sense now, can't you see?" he yelled, grabbing James by the shoulders. "Remus doesn't! He's spying on Remus! I should have seen it! He's hiding his scar, and he's always less attentive when Remus isn't around, I've been keeping track, and he wants to see the scar, he wants to figure out the secret, typical Slytherin, but, hah, we've got HIS secret now!"

James just stared, digesting all those pronouns. Eventually, he gave up.

"But Remus and Snape seem to get on fine," he interjected. "In fact, they're working on that DADA project together tonight."

"They are?" Sirius asked suspiciously, stepping back. "Where?"

"In that unused classroom on the ground floor."

"Oh, that unused classroom," Sirius sighed with a smile. "A very useful place, that unused classroom. I could tell you stories..."

"You have."

"But wait a moment..." Sirius' brow darkened again. "The unused classroom... Could it be that I have been wrong? Could it be that Snape has dishonourable designs - on Remus?"

"I'm afraid, Sirius," James announced with mock earnestness, "that I just can't keep up with your theories anymore."

But Sirius was gone. He'd run off, yelling something about needing to check up on Remus.





10:09 PM: Outside An Unused Classroom


"Be quiet, Peter," Sirius hissed. "Stop fidgeting."

Peter smiled apologetically. The window of the unused classroom was overgrown with dry brambles, which had a tendency to creak whenever he shifted his weight; and he had to shift often, as a pile of dry brambles does not make for the most comfortable seat. In all, he was starting to regret having joined Sirius in this little adventure.

"I can see Snape," he whispered. "But where's Remus?"

Sirius shrugged. "Can't see him either. He might be obscured by that cupboard. In fact, I believe he is: Snape seems to be saying something to someone."

They both stared hard through the brambles. Snape, standing in the middle of the room, didn't seem to be so much saying something as stating something with his body language. He stood there, tall and proud, every inch a follower of Salazar Slytherin. His face bore a haughty, challenging look.

Then, suddenly, he shrugged off his robes.

"Urk," said Sirius.

Snape tossed his clothes off to the side, and stretched slightly, one hand running down his own side as if offering all he represented to the person concealed by the cupboard. There was tension in his shoulders now, and his expression had changed: his eyes were now sad, uncertain.

"S-sirius," Peter choked out, "s-see that thong?"

Sirius did see the thong, which looked like green snakeskin and revealed far more than it hid. He also saw Snape's lithe body, taut with some inner tension. He'd watched his enemy pretty closely throughout his life, and especially during the last few weeks, and he was suddenly aware that this was the body he'd watched: he remembered how each bone and muscle had moved, even hidden within those Slytherin robes.

It was as if he'd been suddenly shown the solution to some puzzle, and then realized that this was the very puzzle he'd been trying to solve. Even that odd look in Snape's eyes seemed to answer some question he'd always neglected to ask.

"Hey, Sirius," Peter's voice cut into his thoughts. "You're fidgeting, now... and the branches are shaking, it's really pretty loud."

"Um, damn brambles and nettles," Sirius murmured under his breath. He HAD been fidgeting quite badly, he realized, but not because of the local flora. The thing was, his clothes had suddenly become a bit uncomfortable. Constraining, in places.

With an effort, Sirius tore his mind away from his... clothes and forced himself to focus more on Remus, trying to decide exactly what his friend was doing behind that damn cupboard. He tried to picture Remus standing there -- standing there and responding, somehow, to the invitation in Snape's eyes. Unable to help himself, he considered, briefly, the idea of his friend's familiar body tangled with this familiar alien body before him.

At that image, his own flesh seemed to buzz, and his mind boiled over, much like his Potions cauldron had done just that morning.

"Alohomora!" he yelled, and jumped through the now-open window, crashing in a heap right beside Snape.





10:34 PM: Inside An Unused Classroom


Snape moved back slightly, and gasped in surprise, his empty fingers moving slightly, grasping at a wand that wasn't there. Still, wand-less as he was, he did not run. He stood his ground and stared.

Sirius met his stare briefly, and threw a sharp look off to the side, to judge Remus' reaction -- but Remus did not react, for Remus was not in the room. The cupboard had concealed a simple mirror.

"Um?" Sirius muttered, looking from Snape to the mirror and then back again to Snape, standing there before him in all his arrogant glory.

"Black!" Snape snarled at last. "Where on earth did YOU drop out of? Fallen off your broom again?"

A mortal insult! Now there was something he could understand! Sirius lifted his wand. Still, a quick scan of his opponent's body confirmed that there was no place on his person where a wand might reasonably be concealed. There was certainly no space left in that thong... So, honourably, Sirius tossed his wand aside and leapt at his foe.

The fight that followed was familiar in some ways -- the two had, after all, fought on many previous occasions. What was new was Snape's near-nudity, and the fact that Sirius had, in his hurry, failed to put on much beyond his robes. This should have made causing pain easier than usual, for both parties, but oddly enough neither took advantage of the situation. They just rolled and slid around on the floor, and made half-hearted attempts at mutual strangulation.

All this went on far longer than it reasonably should have.

Then, suddenly, the door opened, and Remus stepped into the room: one step, followed by another, and -- a while later -- a third. He stopped after that, and the pile of books in his arms slipped a little. Luckily, he caught it in time.

The two boys on the floor froze as if in stop-motion. They looked at Remus. He looked at them. They looked at each other, and loosened their grip ever so slightly. Remus looked at the ceiling.

"Um," he cleared his throat, his self-control reaching heroic proportions. "I'm going to step outside for," here he paused briefly to analyze the scene before him, "three minutes. Then, I'm going to come back in and look again, and actually think about what I've seen."

The moment the door swung shut behind him, the combatants sprang apart, matching sneers on their faces.

"When Remus returns," Sirius announced, moving back slowly and picking up his discarded wand, "I'd like to hear you explain why you were waiting for him wearing nothing but that perverted thong."

"I was changing into clean robes, you cretin," Snape hissed. He picked up a fresh set off a chair, thus proving the truth of his words. "Perhaps, instead, you'd care to explain to your friend exactly how my 'perverted thong' provoked you to attack me."

"You know exactly why I did it," Sirius growled. "Just stay away from Remus, you pervert."

"'Stay away from Remus'?" Snape shook his head free of his robes and raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "So, it's like that, is it?"

"Like what?" Sirius asked in sudden confusion.

Then, just as he was starting to figure it out, Remus came back in, looking slightly less composed than before. His attempt to postpone thinking about what he'd glimpsed had not, apparently, succeeded.

"I'd like to apologize," he said, quickly. "I think I might have over-reacted. I do realize that what the two of you get up to..." Here, his voice faded slightly, and a spasm of pain moved across his face as he continued, "that what the two of you do together is really none of my business."

"It's not what you think," Sirius replied, quietly, unsure if he was speaking to Snape, or to Remus, or even to himself.

"It was just a fight," Snape added, turning towards Remus, the sneer gone from both his face and his voice.

"I see," Remus looked to Sirius for confirmation. He didn't receive it, for Sirius was too busy noticing that Snape's eyes were now, once again, full of that strange hunger he'd noticed so frequently over the last few weeks.

"It's true!" Peter's voice broke the spell as he slid into the room with a clatter. "They were fighting over an insult. I saw everything!"

"Um, I doubt THAT very much," Snape muttered quietly, tearing his eyes away from Remus at last. Ignoring the other boys, he picked up his discarded old robes. He then gave the mirror one last sad smirk, and pushed it towards the wall.

"You'll have to forgive me, Remus," he said. "I think I'll retire and leave our meeting for another day. I'm sure you and your friends have plenty to discuss."

"Certainly, Severus," Remus replied, running his hands through his hair in bewilderment as the door swung shut behind his study partner. "Well," he turned to Sirius and Peter, "I hate to admit it, but I'm still confused. Why were you fighting?"

"It's because Snape is a pervert," Peter announced. "We think he was after you as well as Lily, or perhaps he was trying to set you up with Lily, or with Voldemort, we're not really sure."

Remus blinked at that, and Sirius clutched at his head. "Argh," he murmured, "I think I need a drink."

"I need food," Peter put in.

"I need... Oh, I don't know what I need," was Remus' conclusion.

And so, they picked up James and went off to raid the kitchens. None of them slept very well that night, though: perhaps it was all that rich food.