Much Ado About Stalking

MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: SATURDAY


9:30 AM: Gryffindor Boys' Dorm


Sirius woke to the sound of voices. For a moment he just lay there, wondering why his head felt so oddly empty; however, his attention was soon diverted by his stomach, which was emptier still. So, having never been one to patiently wait for his needs to be satisfied, he sat up and threw open his bed-curtains.

In the harsh, sudden daylight he saw his friends, all fully awake and dressed: James by the mirror, desperately trying to tame his hair; Remus by his bed, straightening the pillows; and Peter by the door, bouncing up and down with impatience.

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, squinting at the threesome accusingly. "You guys were about to let me miss breakfast!"

"Sorry," James shrugged, tossing his comb away in resignation. "We thought we'd better let you sleep it off."

"I didn't!" Peter contradicted smugly, "I told them that food was more important than sleep!"

"Damn right," Sirius announced, stumbling out of bed. "I could eat a dragon right now -- I don't remember ever feeling this hungry before, except perhaps after a lengthy Quidditch workout. Come to think of it," he grimaced, rubbing his back, "I do actually feel a bit like I've been on a lengthy broom ride."

Remus looked up at that, blinked, and then suddenly decided that all his blankets needed re-folding.

"Actually, Sirius, what WERE you up to last night?" James asked. "We need to know -- we made bets. Peter seemed convinced that you were out dueling with Snape, but I though that you were more likely out with a girl."

"And Remus," Peter put in, "said that we were both wrong, but that at least I was approximately right."

"I don't seem to remember," Sirius frowned, shaking out a crumpled shirt. "Perhaps I got drunk."

"You certainly seemed dazed when you got in," James announced. "You climbed into my bed by mistake."

Remus looked up again, then, throwing a quick glance at Sirius before resuming his obsessive attempts to perfect his hospital corners.

Sirius, meanwhile, rubbed his forehead in confusion. "Into your bed?" he asked. "I don't remember that, either. But then I suppose it's the sort of traumatic experience one might choose to block out," he grinned.

"So maybe that's why you got drunk, then," Peter suggested. "To forget James' bed."

They all took a moment to fully digest this theory.

"Have you ever heard the expression 'circular reasoning', Peter?" James asked at last.

"Isn't it that thing you do in Arithmancy, when you draw all those circles?" Peter frowned in concentration.

"Oh, never mind, Wormtail," Sirius said kindly. "No-one can think clearly on an empty stomach. Let's go down to the Hall," he suggested, moving towards the door.

"Actually, would you guys mind if I didn't?" Remus asked suddenly, looking up from his bed, which had by that point achieved a Platonic ideal of geometric perfection. "I need to take a walk."

His friends exchanged puzzled glances. "Your choice, Moony," James shrugged at last. "Just don't forget that we're visiting Hagrid at eleven."

"No," Remus smiled. "See you outside the hut."





10:03 AM: A Secluded Glade


Remus sat down on the cold ground, his back against a tree, and looked up at the bare branches and the sky beyond. The previous night's events had changed nothing, here. The thought soothed him: and he sighed, wishing that his friends' familiar bickering could have the same effect. He respected Sirius' decision to ignore what had happened, and planned to act accordingly, but feelings were just so much harder to control than actions.

Well, at least here in the woods he could just sit and be, and push all those freshly embarrassing and painful memories out of his mind. He relaxed, watching the swaying trees.

"Good morning, Remus," Severus greeted him suddenly, stepping out from behind a thorny shrub.

"Good morning," Remus replied, polite in spite of his irritation. "Well, this is quite a coincidence," he added with a small frown, unable to help himself.

Severus hesitated for a moment. "Not really," he shrugged at last. "I saw you leave the castle, and... I thought I'd bring you some breakfast," he finished, sitting down on the cold ground beside Remus and holding out several well-buttered crumpets.

"Thank you," Remus took the proferred pastries. "My favourite breakfast food brought to my favourite hiding place... I don't know what to say." He considered the crumpets for a moment, turning them slowly in his hands. It did not help: he saw nothing that might help him understand the obscure motives of Severus, this bizarre boy who could pursue him so patiently by day, and get it on with his best friend by night.

Still, even if the crumpets could tell him nothing, perhaps their bearer could. "Severus," Remus spoke at last, "did you find your scarf?"

"My scarf?" Severus' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "But you took that, didn't you? I had hoped you did; I'd like you to keep it," he grinned.

"I tried to return it," Remus said carefully, "so I left it outside the Abandoned Classroom,"

"Did you?" Severus asked innocently. "Why?"

"I heard you two... I heard Sirius speaking to you inside," Remus admitted.

"That's strange," Severus said, watching him intently. "I don't remember speaking to him last night at all. Are you sure he wasn't alone?"

Remus looked up sharply. "He said your name," he explained.

Severus met his gaze full on, eyes widening. "Bizarre," he muttered, "and worrying. Perhaps it was part of an incantation? I don't feel like I've been cursed, but..."

"It didn't sound like a curse," Remus interrupted. "His tone was, er, quite friendly."

"That seems unlikely..." Severus grimaced. "Unless... ah!" he stammered out, looking away suddenly.

"Yes?" Remus asked, watching him with interest.

"Well," Severus shrugged stiffly, "I don't know if you noticed... I know that I have... that your friend has been... watching me a bit closely, lately?"

"Yes, he has," Remus nodded.

"That kind of behaviour," Severus explained quietly, "tends to indicate the presence of some strong emotion. I myself... well, let us just say that I did not get up that ladder by your window by accident," he confessed.

"You know, I never really believed your story of a Ladder-Extension spell gone wrong, Severus," Remus sighed. "But do go on."

"I have also," Severus continued, his eyes fixed on the ground, "began to suspect that perhaps his... feelings... for me are, in fact, the opposite of what he so loudly claims." He shot a quick glance over at Remus, who remained intent and motionless. "Now, I don't expect you to understand this," he went on softly, "but I can tell you that under such... emotional... circumstances, spying can become quite a pleasant occupation."

Remus blinked, and ran a hand through his hair. "Are you implying, Severus," he asked, "that Sirius was sitting alone in a secluded classroom, all hot and bothered because he was spying on you? What was he using? Omnioculars?"

"A Spy Mirror, most likely," Severus explained. "Or perhaps just his own imagination."

Remus considered this explanation. If he were to accept that nothing had taken place between his two friends, then at least Severus' behaviour would seem consistent. And those sounds he had heard... they were not incompatible with the theory: he could even accept that his over-wrought ears had magnified all those gasps somehow, letting him imagine a complex duet in the place of mundane solo practice.

What still failed to make sense was the secret, solitary nature of Sirius' alleged actions. Padfoot was such an open, social animal... Remus tugged at his hair, and sighed in confusion.

"Remus," Severus said quietly, "Everyone has the ability to confuse us, sometimes. Our friends included. I myself," he volunteered, "can't understand why Avery -- a friend of mine since we got Sorted -- dissects live cats for a hobby. It is loud, messy, and not even very educational. Not once you've done it a dozen times."

"Um, no, it wouldn't be," Remus blinked distractedly. "Oh, at least Sirius is kind to animals... of all kinds," he muttered.

"Stop thinking about him, for now," Severus suggested, placing a light hand on Remus' shoulder. "I know you are close to your friends, but, well... surely you can't expect the same three people to provide for all of your needs, not forever."

Remus inhaled sharply. "No," he whispered, with a small, wry smile.

"Your friends know this," Severus continued. "Look at Potter, who he has already found a girlfriend. And Black is, er, looking right now -- although perhaps in the wrong places. Do the same, Remus: try and let new people into your life. Or, at least," he smiled, "accept their crumpets."

Remus' smile widened, and he took that last piece of advice to heart while he considered the rest. As he bit into a crumpet, toasted and buttered and perfectly delicious, his melancholy mood lifted.

"Thank you," he said simply, when the crumpets were all gone.

"Any time," Severus replied. "Here," he whispered, "you have some butter in your hair."

Satisfying his hunger had reminded Remus that there was joy to be found in satisfying one's basic desires. He felt Severus touch his hair, and remembered the previous evening's kisses: the surprise, and the strangeness, and the pleasure -- and the passion he had felt with Sirius. Surely no-one else would cause the same: but wouldn't that be better?

Curious, he took Severus' hand in his own, leaned forward, and kissed him.

It wasn't the same, of course. There was, for once, no element of surprise, and the sensation was, at last, somewhat familiar. It was nice and warm and wet and slightly awkward, and he knew that it was so, for, to his relief, he could still think.

Relieved, Remus pulled in closer to Severus, and the two boys fell down together onto the roots and half-dead grass. He smelt the earth, and also the spicy smell of obscure Potions ingredients that emanated from the other boy's robes. The ground beneath him was lumpy and uncomfortable, but somehow this did not matter. He sensed body heat warming his skin, and moving in until he was warm -- hot -- all the way through. And the heat was pleasure, and he wanted more, so he felt his body move of its own accord, pressing forward again and again in a rhythm he hadn't set.

Realizing this, Remus almost screamed. Somehow, his control had slipped again!

He tore himself away in a blind panic, crept back a little, and stood up. "I'm sorry," he panted, looking down at Severus' flushed, bewildered face. "I'm sorry, I can't... it's too much."

Severus sat up, adjusting his robes. "It's fine, really," he said hoarsely, with a reassuring smile. "I respect you all the more for this. And we can go back to talking, if you like."

"Yes. Talking," Remus said, straightening his own robes and hair. "No!" he remembered suddenly. "I... I have to meet my friends. We'll talk later," he promised, with a quick smile.

Severus nodded, grinning his most heartfelt grin, and watched him leave. Left all alone, he continued smiling goofily: at the sky, at the trees, at a passing squirrel. Then, once this (rather worried) squirrel had departed, his eye fell on a small shrub covered with winter flowers.

Severus reached over to pluck a flower, and sniffed it briefly. He then proceeded to pick off all its petals, one by one, muttering under his breath after each little act of destruction. The flower was a small one, so it didn't take him very long to get to the end; and, as he pulled off the final petal, his expression fell as if he had received unwelcome news.

Still, soon he was reaching for a new flower, and starting the ritual all over again.





10:58 AM: Outside Hagrid's Hut


Remus ran into the other Marauders at the pre-arranged place and time. He was immediately seized upon by James.

"I say, Remus," he began, in the highly British manner that characterized him whenever he was truly disturbed. "Do you happen know anything about old Padfoot's movements, last night? Only he himself doesn't seem to."

"Well, he, er, visited me in the Unused Classroom around ten," Remus offered. "He didn't seem drunk then... or, at least, he didn't smell of alcohol."

"Nope," Sirius announced. "Don't remember that at all. It IS a bit worrying," he admitted unwillingly. "My memory hasn't felt this blank since the last History Of Magic exam."

Lily frowned, and stepped in front of him, wand in hand. "Let me see your eyes, Sirius," she asked. "Perhaps someone has been Charming you."

Sirius' mood lightened as he met her green gaze. "You're doing a pretty good job right now, Lil," he grinned.

"Down, Dog Juan, down!" James interrupted, looking irritated. "This is no joking matter."

"No, it isn't," Lily agreed solemnly. "You know, I believe that someone has cast a Memory charm on Sirius."

"Take him to Madame Pomfrey's," Remus croaked suddenly. The others turned towards him with curiosity: he stood there before them as if petrified, his back straight and unnaturally rigid. He had gone very pale in the last few moments, and his eyes flashed dangerously against his ashy cheeks.

"What's the matter?" James asked.

"Take him to Madame Pomfrey's," Remus repeated. "I have to go... there is something I must do."





11:13 AM: A Secluded Glade (again)


Severus hadn't gone far. He was still sitting in exactly the same spot, although there was something about his slumped posture that suggested recent disappointment.

"Stupidbloodyflowers," he muttered under his breath, "Stupidevennumbersofpetals."

Remus took this in as he paused at the edge of the glade, drawing his wand before stepping out into the clearing.

"Severus," he said, "may I have a word?"

Severus jumped and stood up abruptly, a sinister heap of mutilated flowers tumbling from his lap. "But of course, Remus," he replied, brushing off his robes with a vaguely embarrassed air.

"I am going to ask you one question," Remus began coldly. "I hope that you will answer it honestly: I plan to find out the truth either way. Did you cast a Memory Charm on Sirius?"

Severus stared at him for a moment, taking in his set expression, his rigid posture, and the wand in his hand. Various expressions flitted across his face: there was some surprise there, and longing, and cunning, and, in the end, resignation.

"Yes," he said at last, shoulders slumping. "But then, he asked me to."

Remus considered him solemnly. "And why would he do that?" he asked.

"Because there was something he wanted to forget," Severus replied.

Remus' wand arm twitched upwards. "And what was that?" he growled, his lips curling back as if in disgust.

Severus gulped as he took in this expression, and the shiny sharp teeth it revealed. "Remus," he asked pleadingly, "what exactly are you accusing me of?"

Remus just snarled, his wand now pointing at the other boy's throat.

"I did him no harm," Severus said quickly. "Remus, I did your friend no harm. Ask him yourself, once the Charm is removed."

"Why don't you," Remus snapped, biting off each word, "tell me now."

"It was a deal we had made," Severus began carefully. "You yourself have acknowledged that he fancies me. Well, he propositioned me, last night. I accepted. But, as you know, we do not truly like each other, and we didn't want to deal with the, er, aftermath... So we agreed to erase our... time together with Memory Charms," he finished quickly and spread his hands in a beseeching gesture. "Remus, please believe me," he pleaded. "You heard us yourself. You know your friend. You must know that this is plausible."

Remus' contorted face smoothed over as he considered this tale. "Plausible? Perhaps..." he mused quietly. "Yes, I accept that Sirius might have agreed to such a plan. And, since you're telling me this well-remembered story," he continued evenly, "I think I must also accept that you double-crossed him."

"I didn't... not really!" Severus defended himself. "It's just that I cast the first spell, and, when I was done, he had no memory of the plan. In fact, I don't think he had any memory of having ever, ahem, come to terms with his feelings for me... he wasn't friendly. It was my fault, partially," he admitted. "I've never really studied Memory Charms, and I had to improvise a bit -- I might have overdone it. Look, Remus" he continued apologetically "I do feel foolish for having agreed to such a flawed plan, but I wasn't thinking very clearly. Your friend can be very persuasive."

"So can you," Remus said quietly. "In fact, I almost believe you now, just as I used to believe that you wanted to be my friend."

"But I still do!" Severus whispered. "Remus, can't you see that I did it for you! Oh, why can't you see that I, well... why can't you appreciate the r-romance of it all?"

"The romance of what, exactly?" Remus asked calmly. "Of stalking me on ladders, of seducing my best friend, or of to casting dangerous experimental spells on him?"

"All three," Severus explained rapidly. "When I stalked you, I sacrificed my dignity for you; when I, er, got close to your friend, I was trying to get closer to you; and when I Charmed him I wanted to protect you from finding out!"

"You should have stuck to bringing me crumpets," Remus replied.

"I'll bring you a dozen more if you like," Severus breathed. "I'll bring you anything you wish for... perhaps some Veritasserum, so that you can confirm my story?"

"Oh, there's no need," Remus stated, suddenly lowering his wand. "I believe you."

Severus exhaled with relief. "You do? Oh, thank you, Remus," he said, taking a step towards the other boy.

"Do not touch me," Remus said flatly, stepping back. "Don't ever touch me again."

Anger flared up in Severus' eyes. "You can't dismiss me like that. I've offered you so much."

"Ah, but I want none of it," Remus replied, walking away.





12:09 PM: Outside Hagrid's Hut (again)


"Good for Hagrid!" James laughed the moment the cottage had swung shut behind him. "This new puppy of his will certainly make our midnight runs more interesting. I wonder what Padfoot will make of him?"

"Why don't we go visit the Hospital wing?" Lily suggested. "We can see how Sirius is doing, and you can arouse his territorial instincts by telling him about cute little Fang."

"No need!" Peter exclaimed, pointing towards the castle. "I think he's heard already!"

James and Lily looked ahead, and saw that, indeed, a figure closely resembling their friend was racing towards them across the shrubby grounds. Bemused, the three friends watched as the sprinting figure moved ever closer, weaving in and out of the bushes and looking more like Sirius every second. At last, it reached them.

"James," Sirius panted, stopping abruptly. "James, I've just remembered something. I have been a huge jerk. Could you please," he continued politely, "punch me in the head? As hard as you can should do it."

James considered the matter briefly. "No," he said at last. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Why not?"

"Because Madame Pomfrey can see us," James explained, looking over his shoulder at the rapidly-approaching figure of the school nurse.

"Ah. Later, then," Sirius agreed. "There's another thing," he asked suddenly. "Do you know where I could find Remus?"

He looked at each of his friends in turn, but they all shook their heads.

"Damn," Sirius muttered, before diving into a nearby shrubbery.

The others peered into the tangle of branches, but all they saw was a black tail, hanging low in shame as its owner moved off in the direction of the Forest.

"Right," Madame Pomfrey gasped, appearing behind them. "Tell me now, where has Black gone? And why did that blasted boy run away in the first place?"

They all turned to face her. Lily looked at James. James looked at Peter.

"We don't know," Peter said.

"He did say he'd just remembered something," Lily volunteered.

"Perhaps he's left a cauldron on the boil," James suggested helpfully.





12:22 PM: A Secluded Glade (yet again)


Padfoot paused at the edge of the glade, confused. Pungent smoke was interfering with Remus' trail, pungent smoke rising from a pathetic little flowering shrub. And, there, before the burning bush stood Severus Snape, his hands folded.

Sirius turned human. "Snape," he called. "Where has Remus gone?"

Severus jumped, and turned towards him. "Remus?" he asked, regaining his composure. "What makes you think Remus was here?"

"I have my ways of sniffing people out," Sirius replied dismissively. "Oh, do drop that whole morning-after act," he continued, as Severus bristled, cold and awkward. "I'm sorry my plan didn't work. I can Charm you now if you like, but it's got to be quick: I have to talk to Remus."

"Oh, do you? Well, it's too late," Severus smirked, cheering up quite a bit. "He won't want to talk to you either, not after what I told him about last night."

"And what kind of lies did you tell him?" Sirius asked. "You bastard... you didn't tell him I was crap, did you?"

"Oh, I told him the truth," Severus replied evenly. "I had to -- he overheard us. Not exactly the quiet sort, were you?"

"At least," Sirius replied, "my underwear was tasteful... Wait a moment!" he exclaimed, a look of horror upon his face. "Remus knows? Remus overheard us? Right after I... Damn. Damn. Triple damn. Oh-I-am-such-a-moron," he muttered achingly.

"Couldn't agree more," Severus announced. "You ruined everything. I should curse you right now," he continued, twirling his wand.

"I wish you would..." Sirius mumbled. "No! I couldn't trust you to do it properly -- I must find James. Oh, what WAS I thinking last night? I'd have been better off getting it on with Fang..." he moaned, turning to leave.

And then, before Severus could decide on an appropriately hideous curse, he was gone.





6:33 PM: The Great Hall


"Where's Remus?" Lily asked. "He's missing his favourite dinner dish -- Rabbit Pie."

"Maybe Sirius managed to find him at last," James suggested, digging into his salad.

"Um, James," Peter asked, nibbling on some cheese, "why did Sirius want you to punch him, again?"

"I don't know," James shrugged, chewing the lettuce thoughtfully. "He wouldn't say."

"Which makes it even harder for me to accept that you actually did it," Lily shook her head with a sigh.

"Well, he asked me to, didn't he?" James explained. "Wouldn't you punch me, if I asked you to?"

"I'm not sure," Lily replied, pushing some black-eyed peas around her plate. "It would take all the fun out of it, you know."

"I'll punch you anytime, James," Peter offered. "You too, Lily -- even if you are a girl."

"Why, thank you, Peter," Lily replied. "True friends like you are rare indeed."

"Don't look now, guys," James announced suddenly, "but Snape's staring our way again. And, yes, there IS a strange, desperate gleam in his eye."

"Oh, don't you start," Lily moaned. "I couldn't cope with two Snape-watchers in our little circle."

"You won't have to," James reassured her. "Sirius told me that he's all over that. I believe his exact words were 'That double-crossing git could drown in one of his own potions and I wouldn't notice.'"





7:12 PM: Slytherin Common Room


"Severus, what IS that smell?" Avery asked, striding over to the fireplace.

"Burning wool," Severus replied, prodding the fire with a poker.

Avery leaned in over the flames and squinted. "You're burning a Gryffindor scarf!" he announced, noting the gold-and-red shreds buried among the logs.

"Have you considered a career in the Department of Mysteries, Avery?" Severus asked casually. "You've quite a talent for detection, you know."

"Perhaps I do at that," Avery grinned. "I've just heard that Sirius Black has been confined to the Hospital Wing until Monday... So, I deduct that it is his scarf you're burning -- something to do with a little curse, perhaps?"

"Avery, you surpass yourself," Severus announced. "You should reward yourself with a nice, warm cat."





7:23 PM: The Astronomy Tower


Sirius entered the room softly, closing the door behind him with care. "Remus?" he whispered at the familiar figure at the window.

Remus turned to face him, his expression unreadable in the gloom.

"Moony, I'm sorry," Sirius crossed the room to stand by his friend. "I just wanted to apologize to you for... for everything."

"No need," Remus said simply. "It's fine. You were under a spell."

Sirius frowned. "I was not under a spell yesterday! And I hurt you through sheer thickheadedness. Moony, I'm so sorry, so sorry I hurt you."

"Don't mention it," Remus winced. "And by that I mean, stop mentioning it. Before the Charm, you were... infatuated. I understand -- I empathize with -- what you were going through."

It was Sirius' turn to wince. "Oh, don't be like that. I need to, I want to make it up to you. Just tell me what I can do... Perhaps you would like to get your own back somehow?"

"What?" Remus asked. "How?"

"Punch me," Sirius suggested. "Kick me. Yell. Call me names; well-deserved names. Or even... just act upset. Make me face up to the consequences of my actions."

"Or perhaps," Remus suggested dryly, "I should just hit you with a rolled-up newspaper and call you a bad, bad dog."

"Yes, that would work," Sirius agreed. "As long as you promised to hit me really, really hard."

"Sirius...." Remus sighed. "I don't want to do any of those things."

"Don't you? Well, then, perhaps you could... I know," Sirius snapped his fingers. "You could take something of mine! Anything: my bomb collection, my broom, even... my motor-bike," he finished unwillingly.

"I don't want any of your things, either."

"Fine," Sirius sighed with relief. "Have something else then," he offered. "Like... me."

Remus paused and looked his friend over, from his muddy boots to his hopeful grin. "Is that... Is that all you ever think about?" he asked at last.

"What, sex? No," Sirius replied evenly. "Sometimes I think about food."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You probably think you're joking," he said.

"Good," Sirius beamed, "Insult me. Get it out of my system. Just don't dismiss my offer so easily. After all, isn't this," he gestured at himself vaguely, "what you wanted?"

"I don't know," Remus said slowly. "I never planned to approach you. I suppose that, even back then, I knew that you were not the world's best prospect."

"No?" Sirius looked rather sceptical. "Many people would disagree."

"Just consider this," Remus began, leaning back against the wall. "Only last night, you were utterly obsessed with Severus."

"No, I wasn't!" Sirius exclaimed. "And, anyway, I am so completely over that!"

"Yes, exactly," Remus agreed. "You spent one night together, and now you're over him. You tire of things, Sirius. You leave books half unread. You never even order the same drink twice, if you can help it."

"Is that what's worrying you?" Sirius smiled. "Well, it shouldn't. How can I explain this?" he mused. "Look here, Moony," he began, suddenly inspired. "Severus -- let's take him as an example -- was like a light that hits your eye at night and blinds you for a while. But, then, you recover, and see that the moon is always there," he finished smugly.

"Is that supposed to inspire my confidence?" Remus blinked. "Really, Sirius, with lines like that, I'm surprised you ever get laid at all."

"At least I don't play hard to get when someone makes me a sincere offer," Sirius countered.

"I am NOT playing hard to get," Remus explained gently.

"You're not?" Sirius asked. "Then why... Oh, I see. You're turning me down." He stood there in silence for a moment, astonished at both the refusal and at his own keen disappointment. He was just considering how best to plead his case, when he was struck by a sudden thought.

As Remus' friend, he was rather appalled by the idea of someone like himself becoming Remus' lover.

"We're... we're friends, though, right?" he asked, surprised by his own hoarse voice.

"Oh, yes. I hope so," Remus replied.





7:55 PM: Hospital Wing


"Do you really expect me to believe," Madame Pomfrey fumed, "that you cast that Memory Charm on yourself?"

Leaning back against his pillows, Sirius considered the question. "No," he said at last, "I don't really expect you to believe anything I say, not since the False Leprosy Incident. But you might feel better about my story if you remember how, when I was first escaping, I tried to punch myself in the face. That's along the same lines, isn't it?"

Madame Pomfrey looked him over suspiciously, but his black eye and split lip, in spite of giving him an untrustworthy appearance, seemed to support his story.

"And why would you attack yourself, child?" she asked.

"Because... because I AM such a child," Sirius said with sudden bitterness. "Because I am an immature, self-centered brat with no self-control and the attention span of a gnat."

Madame Pomfrey was a little taken aback by this unexpected flash of insight. "You'll grow up soon enough, Sirius Black," she said at last. "There's dark times coming."

"Oh, do you really think so?" Sirius asked happily.

Madame Pomfrey raised her eyes to heaven. "I'm keeping you in for observation," she announced, before walking off indignantly.

The moment she was out of the ward, Sirius sat up with a grin, scooting towards the foot of the bed. Once there, he grabbed his bed-chart and ripped off the top sheet of parchment. Placing this upon his knees, he started to write:

Remus,

Medical opinion has it that even I will grow up someday. I am hereby warning you: One of these days, I'll be able to act maturely and appreciate you as you deserve.

After signing off, Sirius sat back to imagine this golden future in greater detail. "Actually," he muttered to himself, happily, "I can feel myself, er, growing up already."

So, he added a postscript:

PS: I offered you several things today. Should you suddenly wish to accept one of my offers, I will gladly oblige you, even in my current immature state.
------
Well, that was that. Sirius folded his note, feeling pleased with himself and reasonably optimistic.