Hogwarts Gone Mad

"Harry," called 'Uncle Voldie' as he continued his search round the castle, "Harry, why wont you come and have tea?"

He drifted up to the Fat Lady portrait to see if Harry was in the common room.

"What's the password?" she said, sounding exactly like a bodyguard

"I don't know," Voldemort replied sweetly

"Then get out of my sight," she yelled

And he did just that, muttering something about 'the rudeness of portraits nowadays' as he went to look for Harry elsewhere.

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Meanwhile, the Gryffindors and Slytherins were in the dungeons with Professor Snape, learning potions.

Snape went down the register, and paused at Harry's name.

"Harry, darling!" he exclaimed, "My favourite student. How are you, old pal?" he asked, sounding happy and bouncy

"Fine. And you, sir?" Harry asked, in return

"Absolutely brilliant!"

When he had finished the register, Snape said,

"Today, we are learning about pink potions! And can anyone tell me what a pink potion is?" he asked

Malfoy, who was still in his pink leotard, put up his hand.

"Yes, Draco?"

"Sir, a pink potion turns everything it touches a shade of pink!" Draco said, sounding excited

"Good! Five points from Slytherin for knowing the answer!" Snape cried gleefully, "Oh, and darling Hermione, would you not chew gum in class"

"No," she replied, rudely

"OK," Snape said, "never mind"

And the lesson went on in a similar fashion.

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When the class filed out of potions, Harry and Ron made their way up to Gryffindor tower. On their way, however, they bumped into Voldemort (well, it had to happen sometime).

"Harry! I've been looking for you all over! Come and have tea with Uncle Voldie," he cooed

"Er," Harry said, sounding awkward, "Me and Ron were just going up to the common room. I don't want to leave Ron to walk by himself"

"Well, he can come with us! The more the merrier!"

So, not being able to think of another excuse, Harry went to have tea with Voldemort.

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Meanwhile, at another cheerleading practice, Hermione was talking through another routine with the rest of the squad.

"OK, girls, for this cheer, we're going to need another member," she said

"Emergency trials, then," Parvati said

"I'll ask Dumbledore if we can use the announcer," Lavender said

"No, I will," argued Pansy

"No, I will," Hermione put in, and because she was head cheerleader, no-one argued.

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In Dumbledore's office, Hermione was asking permission to use the announcer.

Dumbledore stood up, straightened the Muggle suit he was wearing, and rubbed his beard - free chin.

"OK, girls, you can use my magical announcer. But no swearing," he said, guiding them to the place where the announcer stood.

"Now, to operate it," he explained, "You stand here, say clearly what you want to say, then step back. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir," Parvati answered

"Good. Off you go then"

"Like, attention, people!" Hermione said, her voice magically echoing around the school, "We're holding emergency cheerleading trials. Anyone interested come to the great hall now. That is all"

"C'mon, we have trials to run!" Pansy said to the rest of the team. And with that, they ran out.