Once Upon a Mattress: Harry Potter Style

Ch. 4 Remus, Sirius, James and Sensitivity

Same day...a few minutes later.

Lavender strolled into the courtyard and spotted King James.

"Hello your Majesty!" said Lavender. James greeted her.

[waves "Hello" and bows]

"Did you hear? Sir Ron is back with a new princess! Have you met her? I haven't."

["No, I haven't either] James shook his head.

"Well, it was nice talking to you majesty. Bye!" She curtsied and left.

James watched her leave in wonder and started to pace the courtyard grounds. Meanwhile, Remus and Lupin had wandered in and spotted James pacing and wearing a hole in the floor.

"What's wrong your majesty?" asked Sirius.

[I'm worried] James pointed off to the right.

"Worried? About who?" Sirius replied.

[A lady] James curtsied.

"A lady?" Remus said, puzzled.

"Which lady?" asked Sirius. James pantomimed.

[flower growing]

"A flower?" replied Remus. Sirius started to name all the flowers he could think of.

"Daisy, Daffodil, Petunia, Lily..." Remus snickered as he said this and Sirius shot him a look. "...Tulip, Lavender..." James clapped his hand on Lavender.

"Lavender? Lady Lavender?" asked Remus. James nodded. He made a signal with his hands.

"And?" wondered Sirius. James got down and knighted himself.

"A knight?" asked Sirius.

"Which knight?" asked Remus. James showed off his muscles.

"Sir Ron," said Remus and Sirius, looking at each other, in unison.

"Why are you worried?" asked Remus.

[She's in trouble] James pretended to behead himself.

"She's in trouble?" asked Remus.

[Big trouble] James made a motion for big.

"Big trouble..." murmured Sirius.

"Why?" asked Remus. James made his stomach look round with his hands.

[Pregnant]

"She's fat?" wondered Remus.

James took his crown off his head and placed it under his robes. Then he waddled.

"She's gonna have a baby!" said Sirius. James looked like he was about to thank God.

"Who else knows?" asked Remus.

[Sir Ron]

"Besides Sir Ron," said Remus. He pointed to Remus, Sirius, and himself and held a finger to his lips as if to say "Shhh, it's a secret."

"Don't worry, your Majesty!" said Remus. "We can keep a secret!

The question is, can you? "

[Of course I can! I can't freaking talk!] He zipped his lips, locked them and pretended to eat a key.

Angelina walked by them and waved to James who started to follow her excitedly.

"Oh, we know you can't talk, but you do manage to communicate!" said Remus as he pulled James back away from Angelina.

R and S: We have only two voices among us, and yet

There's a third voice, a voice in disguise

You'll be hearing a trio and not a duet

If you listen with both of your eyes!

Kindly [listen] with both of your [eyes]!

R and S: We- pro- duce a unique and remarkable blend

When we raise our three voices on high

We're in perfect accord from beginning to [end]

Sirius: The King and the Minstrel and I!

R and S: Yet if one of our trio should ever depart

Then the others would languish and die

We're like three different people with only one [heart]!

Remus: The King and the Jester and I!

All: Sing hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny hi diddle diddle

Strike up the tune on the [fiddle]!

Sirius: Oh the cook claims she's missing one chocolate cream roll

And a fish that was ready to fry!

Both: Guess who's dining on pastry and filet of [sole]!

James: [The Minstrel, The Jester and I!]

All: Sing hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny needle and thimble

Crash us a clash on the [cymbal]!

As James recovered, he spotted a girl and took off after her.

Remus: It's been said of the King that his morals are loose

But the Queen is much worse on the sly!

Sirius: Well what's good for the gander is good for the [goose]!

A girl screamed off to the left. James goosed her. He came back.

Remus: Say the King and the Jester

Sirius: The King and the Minstrel

James: [The Minstrel, and the Jester, and I!]

They danced off and left.

Meanwhile, Queen Lily and Dumbledore were in another part of the castle, somewhere in a hall.

"Now Dumbledore, we need to think of a test. How can that wretched, little girl possibly be a princess? She's half of what I am. After all those heartless, back-breaking nights of rest it's simply making my condition worst."

"Well, her papers seem to be in order," said Dumbledore as he sat on the Queen's stool. Lily saw him and shot him a look. He got up and let her sit down.

"Well, this test needs to be a test that looks fair, seems fair, and ISN'T fair. When you have sensitivity, it's the long restless days you have in order to sleep peacefully..." She gasped. "I've got it! We'll take twenty soft downy mattresses and one tiny little pea and place it under them. If she feels it, she's a princess. If not, then, too bad. Oh god, you're bright!" she said laughing wickedly.

"Shall I make a potion to help her sleep?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yes Dumbledore, it will get her to fall asleep so that girl won't marry my son!" she said, still laughing. "Now, GET OUT!"