Once Upon a Mattress: Harry Potter Style

Ch. 3: "You Swam the MOAT?!"

A month had passed, and it wasn’t long before Ron returned, this time with a new princess. Her name was Hermione Granger of Surrey. Everyone gaped at her, standing on top of the castle wall, drenched with water and weeds. It looked like she had come from a storm. In fact, it wasn’t even raining. Hermione spat some out of her mouth and everyone shrieked as it landed on them.

"Actually, I swam the moat," she said. "But don’t worry, there’s a nice draft. If I just stand here, I’ll be dry in no time!" The crowd groaned and held their hands to their noses, blocking the revolting smell.

"Look Mama!" said an amused Harry. "She’s all wet!" However, the queen was not.

"You Swam the MOAT?!" said Lily stunned.

"We tried to lower the drawbridge but she didn’t wait for it," said Sir George.

"She seemed determined to get here as soon as possible," murmured Dean.

"We had to get a rope and pull her out!" said Seamus Finnegan, who was another knight.

"You Swam the MOAT?!" said Lily again.

"All right, I admit, I was a little anxious at first. My friend, Sir Ron?" Hermione said pointing outside the castle walls, "He’s still out there. He said you had an opening for a princess! Any princess! I figured, the early bird. Anyway, here I am! Who’s the luck guy?" She turned to George.

Mione: Hey nonny nonny is it you?

George: Hey nonny nonny nonny no.

Mione: Hey nonny nonny is it you?

Dean: Hey nonny nonny nonny no.

Mione: Hey nonny nonny is it you or you or you or you or (Harry got excited and replied)

Harry: Nonny neeny noony neeny nonny noonny

Queen Lily: NO NO NO!

As Queen Lily grabbed Harry by the ear and dragged him out of sight, Hermione came down the steps and Knights and Ladies stepped away from her in fear. George, Dean and Seamus followed.

Mione: Someone's being bashful

That's no way to be

Not with me

Can't you see

That I am just as embarrassed as you

And I can understand your point of view

I've always been SHY

The Knights and Ladies groaned because she sounded way off.

Mione: I confess that I'm SHY

Can't you guess that this confident air Is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy

And you can be sure

Way down deep I'm demure

Though some people I know may deny it

At bottom I'm quiet and pure

I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am

My chances may pass me by

I pretend to be strong, but as weak as I am

All I can do is try God knows I try

Though I'm frightened and shy

And despite the impression I give

I confess that I'm living a lie

Because I'm actually terribly timid

And horribly shy

Hermione wrapped her arm around Sir Fred’s shoulders as she sang this and Lady Angelina grew red with anger. The Knights and Ladies were shocked and one lady murmured, "Someone’s on the sofa tonight." She continued on.

Mione: Though a lady may be dripping with glamour

As often as not she will stumble and stammer

When suddenly confronted with romance

And she's likely to fall on her face

When she's finally face to face

With a pair of pants

Everyone giggled as Hermione looked and pointed at Harry’s crotch and turned away. Harry looked down and Lily stood in front of him. Dumbledore came down to get a closer look at her.

Mione: Quite often the lady's not as hard to please as she seems

Quite often she will settle for something less than the man of her dreams

Hermione came face to face with Dumbledore, was startled and took off, everyone giggling hysterically.

Mione: I'm going fishing for a mate

Knights and Ladies: She's going fishing for a mate

Mione: I'm gonna look in every brook

Knights and Ladies: She's gonna look in every brook

Mione: But how much longer must I wait

With baited breath and hook?

Draco, Fred, Seamus, Dean and George began a sword dance and everyone watched as they moved their swords. As they pointed their swords in front of them, Hermione applauded.

Mione: Oh that was WONDERFUL!

They finshed with a bow and everyone applauded.

Mione: And that is why

Though I'm painfully shy

I'm insane to know which sir, You sir?

Fred: Not I sir

Mione: Then who sir

Where sir and when sir I couldn't be tenser

So let's get this done man

Get on with the fun man

I am one man

Knights and Ladies: The lady's one man

All: Shy!

As everyone ended, the queen spoke those same words again.

"You Swam the MOAT?!"

Hermione motioned for Fred to come over to her.

"Does she ever say anything except, ‘You Swam the MOAT?!’

"Uh, why don’t you ask her for yourself?" said Fred, (hey that rhymes!) backing away in fear and receiving a look from Angelina. Hermione walked over to Queen Lily.

"Do you ever say anything except-"

"Do YOU mean to tell me," interrupted the Queen, "that YOU my dear, are a true princess?"

"Why yes…I…"

"Excuse me dear," said a voice. It was Dumbledore. "Are you new here?"

Hermione taken aback, nodded.

"Good. "Watch closely. I take a plain piece of parchment with no cuts, no folds, creases, or concealed pockets…"

Everyone groaned as he did this. (I mean, this is Dumbledore after all) Hermione looked disgusted and ran towards the castle door.

"It’s a nuthouse!" she exclaimed. The ladies and knights spoke up.

"No! Please! Don’t leave!"

"Wait!" shouted Harry. Hermione stopped in her tracks and turned around.

"You’re the one, I guess," said Hermione.

"Sure. I’m Prince Harry, the Drab."

"Well, it was nice meeting you." She took off back towards the stairs and everyone kept begging her to stay.

"Wait a sec," said Harry. "I like you."

"You do?" Hermione replied.

"Yeah, everyone likes you." The ladies and knights said "Yes!" in choruses and the Queen laughed.

"Well," said Harry. "ALMOST everybody."

"Why?"

"You swam the moat!"

"Now Harry, I don’t want to come between you and your mother. Besides, I’m not like that," said Hermione, backing away towards the edge of the wall. Everyone was warning her to watch her step but she wasn’t listening.

"I’m actually SHHYYY!!!" said Hermione as she fell back into the moat. Everyone gasped.

"She’s in the moat again!" said Dean and the five knights rushed over to the edge.

"She swam the moat Mama!" cried Harry as he watched.

"Are you alright your highness?" asked Fred off to Hermione.

"It’s cold!" came the voice of Hermione.

"Twice!" cried Harry joyfully.

"I don’t need any help!"

Just then, a fanfare rang out and everyone shouted, "Sir Ron! Sir Ron is back!"

Ron proudly walked in, Ginny smiling at her brother. He stopped in front of the queen.

"Your majesty, I have the honor of presenting her Royal Highness, Princess Hermione!"

"Well, you’re too late. She’s been here and gone!" said Lily.

"Gone?" said a confused Ron.

"Yes! She’s swimming home! She’s not a REAL princess!"

"Ah, but your majesty! I have her papers right here!" Everyone excitedly whispered and a crowd gathered, trying to read what it said.

"Princess Hermione Lynn Winnifred Granger of Surrey. Her family crest reads: ‘Ifyay atyay irstfay ouyay on'tday ucceedsay, ytray, ytray, againyay.’"

"And that means…?" asked Lily.

"Roughly it means, If at first you don't succeed…-"

"Never mind," said Lily.

"Mama, may I say something?" asked Harry.

"No. She’s not a princess, Sir Ron. Why, the idea of her being one is unlikely!"

"A test your majesty!" cried a lady.

"Yes! Yes! A test!" cried the others.

"A test mama! A test! Please Mama? For me?"

"All right, we’ll test her! Dumbledore and I will put on our thinking caps."

"Get her by the leg!" cried Fred.

"This IS her leg!" said George.

"we’ll test her for…"

"That’s NOT my leg!" said Hermione. A few girls shrieked at this.

"Ugh!" said Lily. "How crude! We’ll test her for sensitivity! She’ll have her test," she said to the crowd. Everyone bowed or curtsied. "And she’ll fail just like all the others!" Lily and Dumbledore left and Hermione came down the stairs.

"What test?" she asked.

"The royalty test," said Angelina as the crowd dispersed.

"Every princess fighting for my hand has to take a test to prove that they’re a true princess."

"Oh," said Hermione. "Well, I like tests!"

"Would you like me to show you your room?" asked Harry.

"Well that would be wonderful!" said Hermione. "I can’t wait to get out of these dripping wet clothes!" And they left.

To be continued…