A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter I-

'Bugger,' Sirius Black said groggily as he looked over at his clock. 'James, wake up, s'already one o'clock.'

'Eh?' James Potter answered vaguely from a camp bed in the corner of Sirius' room. He was staying at the Blacks for Christmas Holiday, as his own parents had gone out of town for their eighteenth second honeymoon.

'It's time to get up. We've been asleep far too long,' Sirius told him, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and swinging his legs over the side of his bed. 'C'mon, Prongs, I'm hungry.' James continued to sleep with his face buried deep inside his pillow.

'Wake-up, sleepy heads!' squealed a small child's voice, startling James out of his sleeping torpor. Sirius' youngest sister, Samantha, stood in the doorway, her bouncy pigtails swinging tauntingly.

'Sammy, what are you doing in here? Get out, we're still asleep,' Sirius told his five-year-old sister, pushing her out of the room. 'You're not allowed in here anyway.'

'Oh yes I am!' she replied, smiling with her crooked snaggle-teeth and ducking beneath her brother's arm.

'Who said so? This is my room, and I say you need to leave,' Sirius said with finality in his voice.

'I'm the favourite, I can do whatever I want,' she told him and James snottily.

'No, I'm the favourite!' Sirius protested, as Samantha ran over to James.

'I'm the favourite 'cause I'm the baby,' she said to James, as James rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

'She does have a point there, Sir,' James said, stretching out his back.

'No! I'm the favourite! I'm the only boy, so they like me best!' Sirius said angrily.

'You used to be the favourite, but then you got old. Now they like me best,' she announced to Sirius and James, turning her head so that her curly pigtails swung round again.

'No, I'm the favourite,' Sirius told her calmly, picking her up under her arms and carrying her towards the door, 'and that's all there is to it.' Sirius set her down just outside the door, slammed it shut, then pulled a pile of dirty clothes in front of it so that it wouldn't open. 'Hah!' he said triumphantly, turning back to James.

'You know I'm the favourite Sirius! Mum and Dad want to sell you to the circus. Melanie says that you're just in denial,' Samantha's high-pitched, muffled voice said through the door.

Melanie was Sirius' second oldest sister, who had finished at Hogwarts three years ago. She and Sirius were the closest in age, and fought quite a lot in their childhood. Since she was smaller than most of the Blacks, she usually lost, making her quite bitter and angry with the world. She was considered the black sheep of the family, and, although she was an excellent witch and the Head Girl of her class, she had decided to go back to her mother's muggle roots. She was now studying to become a psychotherapist.

'I'm hungry,' Sirius announced to James.

'Alright...what do you want me to do about it,' James replied.

'Why don't you escort me down to breakfast?' Sirius grinned.

'Wouldn't it be lunch at this point?' James asked.

'Oh, I don't know. A late brunch, perhaps?' Sirius suggested, walking from his room and leading James down the stairs into the kitchen. Mrs Black sat labouring over a very large casserole dish, a bright scarf tying back her dark hair and a luridly patterned apron around her.

'Good morning James, Sirius dear. Would you like to have some of the tofu lasagne? I've made it fresh and hot.' She held up the casserole dish and proffered them the lasagne. It would have looked fine, except for the large hunks of tofu that were sticking out sickly.

'I'm telling you, James, don't eat anything she gives you! The tofu is poison; it will make you die. Just politely decline and we'll get something good later.' Sirius said in a loud stage whisper; Mrs Black could hear him just as well as James could, but instead of responding, smiled and displayed her masterpiece.

'Sure, Mrs Black, I'd love to try some of your lasagne,' James said, looking exasperatedly at Sirius. She happily sliced a hearty helping out of her dish and handed it to James. After looking defiantly at Sirius and giving Mrs Black a grateful smile, James took a bite out of the tofu-lasagne.

'Well?' Mrs Black asked James as he slowly chewed the stuff.

'Well?' Sirius asked, watching with humour in his eyes as James stopped eating and turned a shade of green.

' 'S good,' James lied, holding the nasty health food in his mouth and pretending to swallow.

'Mum, James and I are going to go out in the garden and enjoy the fresh air, we'll be back in a few moments,' Sirius told his mother, before steering James outside into the cold winter air.

'Oh, but Sirius, it's so cold and snowy out there, and you and James haven't yet changed from your pyjamas. Won't my little star get chills?' Mrs Black called after them.

'No, Mum, it's fine,' Sirius said, rolling his eyes. 'And don't call me that around James, it's embarrassing,' he added in a whisper.

'What is that?!' James said once they were safely outside the house, spitting out the revolting lasagne into the fresh snow.

'I told you not to eat anything she gave you, didn't I? You just wouldn't listen, would you?' Sirius said, laughing as James attempted to clean his mouth out with the snow. 'If you're trying to get rid of the taste that way, it won't work.'

'Are we going to starve, Padfoot? I don't think I can eat any of that stuff! What's it called again? 'The tofu,' is it? It is poison,' James said, still trying in vain to rid his mouth of the nasty taste of tofu.

'Don't worry, James,' Sirius chuckled, 'we just have to pretend to eat what she gives us. We keep the real food in my dad's study.'

'Will the real food get rid of this taste?' James asked hopefully.

'Probably not, but let's go anyway,' Sirius suggested, pointing James towards a different door than they had come out of. As the two of them walked into Mr. Black's study, Sirius' niece and nephew burst in the room from another door. Lucy and Louis were twins, and the children of Sirius' eldest sister, Katherine. Both of them had black hair and hyperactive tendencies.

'Uncle Sihwus!' Lucy exclaimed upon seeing Sirius. She and her brother were dragging an open briefcase, the papers within suspiciously covered in some sort of crayon. With that, they both fled from the scene, whacking James round the knee with the hard, leather case on their way out.

'Cor!' James winced, grabbing his knee with tears of pain in his eyes, 'what'd they do that for, eh?'

'They're not malicious on purpose, they just have no control over their bodies. Mel often says that they're possessed by the devil,' Sirius said in a very business-like tone.

'Ah, well, let's just get the food then, shall we?' James said, still wincing from the twin terrors' vicious attack.

'Alright. Hey Dad, what's the new password?' Sirius now addressed his father, who had been, without James even noticing, sitting in a great big office chair behind a copy of The Daily Prophet, completely ignoring his grandchildren's behaviour.

'Death to the Tofu,' Mr. Black said without looking up.

'Damn right!' James said. He had eagerly joined in the ongoing battle of the Black men to rid the world of tofu. Sirius just approached a painting in the back corner of his father's office- a portrait of a solemn looking woman sitting next to a hearty pile of biscuits and crumpets- and whispered the password. James was very relieved to see a stockpile of food that could supply an army for several years.

'The house-elves change it out depending on what time of day it is,' Sirius explained as he grabbed a couple of hot buns and tossed one to James.

'Really?' James asked with interest. 'What else have you got in there?'

'See for yourself,' Sirius said through a mouthful of hot bun, stepping aside for James to see. While the Black's secret store of food was nothing like the Hogwarts kitchens, it would definitely suffice for the length of the holiday. In addition to regular breakfast and lunch foods, there was a variety of crisps, fizzy drinks, cakes, wizarding sweets, and, of course, chocolate. James barely had time to grab a handful of chocolate frogs before Sirius snapped the portrait shut, just as the door to the study burst open.

'What'd you do that for, Mel?' Sirius asked angrily. 'We thought you were Mum come to shut us down, I-'

'I don't care what you thought, Sirius. Have you seen my briefcase?' Melanie snapped angrily, searching the room for her case.

'I don't know. What does it look like?' Sirius asked casually, leaning against James.

'You know perfectly well what it looks like. D'you know where it is? The twins were looking at it earlier, and I don't trust them as far as I can throw you,' Melanie said coldly, now looking beneath the various furnishings of her father's office. Mr. Black still ignored everything and continued reading his paper.

'Oh, y'mean that briefcase? James and I saw it, didn't we James?' Sirius said, nudging James in the ribs.

'Oh, yeah, we saw it just a few moments ago,' James said, trying to stay out of this argument but enjoying Melanie's plight nonetheless.

'I think the twins were, er, using it. That wasn't your phsycoanalysis of the human brain term paper, was it?' Sirius grinned maliciously. 'I think the twins might have added a bit to your thesis.'

'Why didn't you stop them, you cocky bastard!' She yelled. 'That took me weeks to write, and I did it on a typewriter. I'll have to re-do the whole thing!'

'Whoa, Mel, I thought it must have been their term paper, you know how precocious those twins are. How silly of me!' Sirius grinned even more widely.

'Buh- uh- argh! You!' Melanie sputtered incoherently, before running at Sirius and furiously beating her fists again his chest. Since she was so much smaller than Sirius, this did not have the effect she desired. Instead of feeling pain, Sirius smiled at James and looked down at her.

'Hold up, Mel. You're going to hurt yourself again; remember what happened last time,' he said amusedly.

'I-don't-care!' She said through gritted teeth, still trying to hurt Sirius in some way.

'Calm down, you're in no way threatening to anyone at all. You'd better go get your paper before the twins destroy it entirely,' he said, swiftly grabbing her wrists to prevent her from causing any more harm to herself.

'Fine, where did they go?' Melanie asked, not making eye contact with Sirius.

'Out in the garden, to play, I think,' Sirius pointed towards the ajar door he and James had come in through.

'I hate you,' she hissed, brushing past him and James and calling murderously to the twins.

'Perhaps we ought to go outside, Katherine might be a bit upset if Mel kills her kids,' Sirius told James, following Melanie. Before they had even reached the door, they heard shouts of rage, followed by crying children. James and Sirius stood still, waiting.

'Should we go and see if they're OK?' James whispered.

'Hush, just wait,' Sirius answered. A few minutes passed by with more screaming and crying before the twins ran past Sirius and James into the house, tears streaking their faces and loud wails escaping their mouths. Melanie came a few moments after, white as a sheet and clutching armfuls of wet paper, defaced by various colours of crayon and lipstick.

'What did you do,' Sirius asked quietly. Melanie stared tight-lipped at him, before she brushed past and stalked off to her room.

'Wow, your sister makes small children cry...' James said uncertainly.

'That's Mel for you; she can reduce anyone at all to tears. It's a gift, really. She made poor old Flitwick cry in her fifth year. Poor bloke shut himself in his room for a week...' Sirius said, looking thoughtful.

'Oh, so that's why Charms was cancelled that week in second year.' James mused.

'Yeah, I just didn't want to admit it to anyone. The less people know about my sisters the better!' Sirius said decisively. 'Want to get something more to eat?'

'OK.'

****

'Lunch time!' Mrs Black called merrily from the kitchen as Sirius and James finished stuffing their pockets with sweets from Mr. Black's vault. You would expect, in a house containing Sirius Black, that the dining room at this point would be full and busy; the discovery of tofu, however, put a damper on everyone's desire to eat meals. In a few moments, the five Blacks and the four Maloneys (for that was Katherine's husband, Sean's, surname) all trickled into the dining room and sat down to a lovely late lunch of tofu lasagne. James tried very hard not to retch as he sat down, and took his only consolation in that he had a large supply of biscuits and scones in his pocket.

Mrs Black carried the dish to the table and set it down with relish as soon as everyone was seated. Everyone but Mr. Black moved back visibly from it. It would have been one thing if the lasagne merely tasted bad, but however, it looked awful as well.

'Now, what sort of lasagne did you say this was, Mum?' Melanie asked tentatively, wrinkling her nose at it.

'Oh, it's tofu lasagne. I saw a recipe for it in a cooking magazine,' Mrs Black told her eagerly, spooning out great heaps of it onto each of their plates.

'Mum, I'm on a starvation diet right now, so I don't think I'll be having any lunch,' Melanie said, holding up her hand to stop her mother from adding any of the fiendish health food to her plate. Sirius had already wolfed his own portion down, and was presently trying to wash his mouth out.

'Oh, Sirius dear, you've finished already? Why don't you take Melanie's piece?' Mrs Black said, turning to him and beginning to put the bit she had cut for Melanie onto his plate.

'Quite alright, Mum, it was very filling. Couldn't eat another bite,' Sirius answered, covering his plate with his hands so his mum couldn't get any ideas.

'Ryan, why don't you take Mel's bit, then? You're nearly finished and I know how much you love the tofu.' Mrs Black slopped the disgusting pasta onto Mr. Black's plate without even waiting for a reply.

'Of course I want more. I love the tofu,' Mr. Black said resignedly, picking up his silverware. James then decided that Mr. Black was the bravest man he had ever met...or else the most cowed. It seemed that Sirius had inherited his lead stomach from his father, as Mr. Black had now eaten a large amount of the putrid food and had failed to yet turn green at all.

'James, dear-' Mrs Black now rounded on James, but James cut her off-

'No, no. I am on a starvation diet as well. I'm obese and need to lose weight. Isn't that right, Sirius?'

'Oh, yes. James is two-hundred pounds overweight and can't eat anything at all. Madam Pomfrey wrote to his parents it's so bad!' Sirius embellished.

'Oh...I see,' Mrs Black said, before sitting down quietly and eating. James glared at Sirius. He didn't like Mrs Black's cooking but he did like Mrs Black and had no desire to offend her; he began to feel very guilty now, so kicked Sirius hard under the table.

'OW! Oi, James, what was that for, eh?' Sirius complained loudly.

'I'll tell you later,' James muttered from the corner of his mouth.

'Mummy, could I have some cake?' Samantha piped up, looking down at her plate with disgust.

'Yes, honey. I baked a big yummy carrot cake just for you,' Mrs Black said, pinching her youngest daughter's cheek.

'Oh... no chocolate?' She asked hopefully.

'No, dear. The tofu tastes much better in carrot cake than it does in chocolate,' Mrs Black said as all heads raised and stared at her in shock.

'You put tofu in the cake?' Katherine asked incredulously.

'Yes, it makes it much healthier, dear,' Mrs Black told her, continuing to eat off her own plate.

'Mummy, would you fix me a sandwich?' Samantha persisted, peering up at her mother with practiced puppy-dog eyes.

'No, Sammy, eat your lasagne, it's good for you,' her mother answered.

'But it's yucky,' Samantha complained, letting out a painful whimper when she poked the lasagne with her fork, and it hissed back.

'Mum?' the eleven-year-old Brianna interrupted.

'Yes?' Mrs Black said mildly, she was, by now, very used to meals being argumentative affairs.

'Mum, Katherine is feeding her lunch to the dogs,' she tattled, as Katherine quickly withdrew her plate from beneath the table.

'I wasn't!' she said shiftily.

'Yes you were, I saw you do it!' Brianna accused.

'Well, you've put your lunch in your napkin,' Katherine said, drawing attention away from herself.

'I have not!' Brianna flushed, her eyes widening as she swiftly dragged her napkin from view.

'Let's see it then,' Katherine held out her hand and beckoned for her younger sister to hand her the damning evidence.

'I don't have to prove anything to you,' she hissed, crossing her arms; Brianna didn't say anything else for the rest of the meal.

'Sean!' Mrs Black now addressed Katherine's husband and ended this argument, 'would you like any more?'

'No thank you, Cornelia. It was quite filling, really,' Sean said politely, he had cleaned his plate but had also turned a nasty shade of chartreuse. James was puzzled for a moment at who Cornelia might be, before he realised that 'Mrs,' was hardly Sirius' mum's first name.

At that moment, Lucy and Louis burst into the dining room; it seemed they had escaped yet again from their magically locked playpen.

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!' they shrieked in unison, running around the table with their small arms waving wildly about.

'Lucy! Louis! Stop that immediately! I told you to stay put and take a nap!' Katherine chided getting up to grab them.

'Don't bother, Kate, I've an idea,' Sirius grinned maliciously, 'hey kids, I've got something for you!' The twins immediately stopped screaming and ran up to Sirius looking curious and excited.

'What have you got Uncle Sihwus?' Louis asked, his mouth hanging open with his finger hanging loosely from his teeth.

'Is it chocolate, Uncle Sihwus, is it chocolate!?' Lucy added, bouncing up and down.

'No, it's better than chocolate,' Sirius laughed evilly and handed a plate of lasagne to the twins. They immediately began gorging themselves, and Sirius drew back in abhorrence as flecks of the stuff flew off onto the floor. It was a few moments of frenzied eating before the twins stopped suddenly. Both of them turned green and sank to the floor, groaning, their eyelids drooping.

'Mum, could you possibly give me the recipe for this stuff?' Katherine asked, pointing down to her plate.

****

James awoke the next morning to a delicious smell of bacon and eggs wafting up the stairs into Sirius' bedroom.

'Sirius, wake up!' James said urgently tapping Sirius on the shoulder.

'T's wrong, Prongs?' Sirius slurred groggily.

'What's that smell?' James asked him nervously.

'Huh?' Sirius said, perking up as he sniffed the air. 'Ah, that's breakfast! Let's go.'

'But isn't your mum cooking?' James ventured.

'Yup, but she cooks good breakfast,' Sirius told him, quickly getting up and pulling on his clothes.

'I don't believe you,' James said suspiciously. 'You're just trying to trick me- I don't want to eat any more of the tofu, ever again.'

'Suit yourself, but I'm going to go and grab some breffie.' With that Sirius got up and left, James following a little behind. As they walked into the kitchen, James looked around in awe: he had expected some grand tofu 'masterpiece,' but found instead heaping piles of bacon, sausages, eggs, toast, fried potatoes, buns- all dripping in grease.

'Where's the tofu?' James asked poking his finger at the eggs in accusation.

'Oh, we don't serve the tofu for breakfast, dear. We save it for the other meals,' Mrs Black said, already fixing up two plates for them.

'Really?' James said in disbelief, taking the plate that Mrs Black handed him. 'Alright!'

'But I thought you were on a starvation diet, James? Sirius said that food makes you feel ill,' Mrs Black said smiling, watching as James eagerly tore into the food.

'Er- I just can't eat after noon is all. I can eat whatever I want in the morning,' James explained.

'Yes,' Sirius added, 'Madam Pomfrey gave him a strict diet regime to follow. I believe no tofu was the number one rule.' Sirius always had a habit of embellishing James' lies so that no one could ever possibly believe them. Most people assumed this was unintentional on Sirius' part, but James thought he knew better. When the lies really mattered however, Sirius was quite good at making up believable stories as well.

'Alright, James,' Mrs Black said, handing a plate to Sirius. She looked slightly repulsed at Sirius' dog-like eating habits, but didn't comment.

'Hey James,' Sirius began through a mouthful of eggs.

'Yes?' James answered, waiting until after he had swallowed.

'D'you want to go and play quidditch after breakfast? Dad set up some goals since last time you were here,' Sirius told James, without stopping his frenetic eating.

'Sure, you can even have my old broom if you like. My father sent me a new one as an early Christmas present before the last game,' James said wistfully. He appreciated all the things his father sent him, but really wished that he could have a family more like Sirius'.

'Really?! But you just got that broom this year! Isn't it the latest model of the Nimbus 1000?' Sirius said excitedly. He didn't play on the house quidditch team- he was far too cool for that- but he really loved flying and playing when he wasn't in the public eye.

James rolled his eyes at the thought of a new broom. His father always bought him new brooms; he had, at an early age, stopped admiring the fine polish on the broom handles, and long ago the soaring feeling of trying out a new broom had left him.

'Yeah, you can have it,' James said, trying very hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 'Are you done eating yet?'

'I was waiting for you! Let's go!' Sirius said bounding up the stairs happily and digging through James' trunk. He held up James' Nimbus 1000 triumphantly and waited impatiently for James to follow. James dragged out his new, magnificent broom and started down the stairs.

'Oh, are you boys going out to play?' Mrs Black asked, busy making a plate of carrots. 'I hope you'll be warm enough- have you gotten your scarves and jackets?'

'Yes Mum,' Sirius sighed, holding out his arms to show her just how bundled up he was.

'I just don't want my little star to get cold,' she said, pushing back his fringe and kissing his forehead. Sirius' face turned the same crimson as his scarf and he muttered,

'Why do you always say that? What did I tell you earlier?'

'I'm so sorry, poppet. I want to respect your masculinity; I won't do it anymore if you don't want me to. I fancy you'll get rather cold, though, if you don't wear your scarf,' Mrs Black said worriedly, licking her thumb and scrubbing a smudge of dirt on Sirius' face.

'Mum! Get off! No more! I'm going out now!' Sirius said finally, crossing his arms angrily and shuffling off with James dragging behind. James smiled as Sirius stalked off towards the back door, letting out vehement huffs, while vigorously rubbing his face to get his mother's saliva off of it.

'C'mon, Sir. She just doesn't want her little star to catch cold,' James mocked, then licking his own thumb and bringing it towards Sirius' face.

'Gerroff, James, it isn't funny!' Sirius growled, throwing the porch door open and storming off. James giggled, then chased after Sirius with his thumb extended.

'Come on, poppet, I'll respect your masculinity,' James continued, still reaching out for Sirius face. Sirius danced out of reach and then said, anger rising in his tone,

'Really, you're a disgusting freak. Stop that now.'

'Make me,' James replied, tauntingly raising an eyebrow.

'Oh, I will,' Sirius smirked, raising his new broom as if to beat James across the face with it.

'Calm down now, Sir, no need to get upset. I was just playing about, you know. No reason for violence,' James called over his shoulder as Sirius swatted at him with the broom. 'C'mon, you don't want to hurt your brand new broom, do you?' At this Sirius stood still, gingerly set his broom on the ground, and quickly resumed his manic chase.

It was quite a comical sight Mrs Black witnessed as she glanced out of her kitchen window. James, who happened to be much faster than Sirius due to his lighter weight, was running round and round in circles with Sirius following behind. This would have been quite unremarkable, had they not both been slipping and sliding across the ice. Sirius in particular seemed to have difficulty grasping that he had no traction, and fell down repeatedly. Eventually, it set in upon Sirius that there was no way he could beat James in a foot race. He let out a cry of exertion and leaped at James, throwing his arms round James' ankles.

James wavered for a few moments, before toppling over and landing with his face planted firmly in the snow. Sirius thought for a moment, about whether this was worth a fight over, but quickly decided that he could take any revenge James could dish out, and so grabbed James' arm, pinning it behind him. James sputtered as his face was pushed farther into the biting morning frost.

'Say uncle!' Sirius called down to him.

'No!' came James' muffled reply from beneath the thick white blanket of snow.

'Say uncle!' Sirius repeated.

'Never!' James cried out again.

'Say it! Say uncle!' Sirius said, wrenching James' arm into the small of his back.

'Oh, fine, but can we please just go and play quidditch now?' James said plaintively.

'No! You have to say 'uncle,' Sirius told him, now sitting on his back to hold him down.

'Ow, Sirius, your two-hundred pounds of non-muscle are crushing my spine,' James grunted, swallowing a considerable amount of frozen water.

'I don't think you understand. You say 'uncle,' and I'll get off your back. It's very simple, really,' Sirius explained, crossing one of his legs as he sat, slowly crushing his friend.

'Mmf!' James exclaimed through his nose.

'Oh, fine. I give up, you're terrible at this. Never play this game again,' Sirius resigned, getting up and collecting his new broom.

'Ewww!' James snorted, trying to blow the snow out of his nose. 'I don't think snow is the only thing out in your yard.'

'Well, what do you expect, we fertilise the garden,' Sirius snickered, tossing his new broom between his hands to get a feel for its weight.

'That's disgusting! D'you mean to tell me that I have shit up my nose?' James said, trying even harder to get the clod of something out of his nasal cavities.

'Well, yeah,' Sirius laughed, putting his hands in his pockets, 'that, and Mum puts her leftovers in the fertiliser; apparently the tofu is 'good' for the plants and vegetables as well.'

'Ugh!' James said, letting out a final groan before accepting the fact that the thing- whatever it was- was not coming out anytime soon. James looked round and noticed that, although it was not in any way healthy for humans, the tofu was doing a very good job on the plants. All of Mrs Blacks herbs, shrubs, bushes, and other various flora were grossly over-sized and were all fitted with their own sets of ear-muffs, scarves, mittens, and pairs of Sirius' old underpants.

'So, d'you want to go play quidditch or what?' Sirius said, trying to distract James from the skivvies that covered up a large plant.

'Are those yours?' James asked incredulously, pointing at the Kaptain Kangaroo undergarments.

'NO!' Sirius lied, turning very red.

'Then whose are they?' James teased, then when there was no response. 'You don't have any brothers, and I highly doubt that your father has ever owned Kaptain Kangaroo skivvies.' Sirius mumbled something about Melanie really being a man.

'I think that we should go and play now,' Sirius told James, his knuckles very white round his broom.

'Alright, but I fancy I can beat you,' James said, grabbing the quaffle from the Black's quidditch box, quickly taking off and twirling round arrogantly. Sirius knew very well that James could beat him, but that didn't stop Sirius from cheating in every way possible to try to win.

'I fancy I'll knock you down first,' Sirius said, kicking off the ground as well, momentarily amazed at the precision of his new broom. James tossed the quaffle from hand to hand, holding it out as if to dare Sirius to take it.

'First to five?' James said, watching amusedly as Sirius eyes followed the red, football-sized quaffle.

'Oh, I thought you wanted to play for more than half a moment, James,' Sirius stated; he tried to put on an air of being much better than James at all times.

'You're right, it would only take me half a moment to get five past you. I'd almost forgotten how awful a Keeper you are,' James needled, knowing very well that Sirius was probably good enough to play on the house team. Sirius honestly believed that he was 'too cool' for the house team- that, and Madam Hooch had banned him from the quidditch pitch after the first set of try-outs in second year. Apparently, she didn't take kindly to having the entire pitch turned red and gold. She also didn't like having every single ball charmed to chase James- before every match. However, with the help of James' invisibility cloak and the Marauder's Map, there was not much she could do to stop him.

'I'm a bloody good Keeper! S'not my fault Hooch has no sense of humour!' Sirius said defensively, colour rising in his face.

'Prove it,' James challenged, flying towards the goals and hurling the quaffle towards them at full speed. Sirius watched from his place below James as the red ball whizzed through the middle goal and landed on the ground several hundred yards away.

'Wait a bloody moment! I wasn't even in front of the goals yet, you can't do that!' Sirius gestured towards the three goal posts. 'And you're going to go and get the bloody quaffle. I'm not flying all the way over there when you're the one that cheated.'

'One-zero to me,' James grinned.

'No! It doesn't count, we hadn't begun yet,' Sirius yelled after James. James retrieved the quaffle quickly.

'Keep your shirt on,' James said, his eyes trained on the quaffle as he attempted to spin it round on one finger. 'Do really keep it on, though, for the sake of all that is decent in the world. I was only warming up; besides, I don't need that goal to beat you.'

'That's it! I'm going to beat your arse into the ground and you'll rue the day you were brought into this world.' Sirius' teeth were barred in a very dog-like way and despite the fact that he quite frankly looked dangerous, James cocked an eyebrow.

'Oh? Really? Well, let's get started, then.' With that, a fast paced, furious battle took place between the two friends. James was quite clearly the better quidditch player, but Sirius had the habit of pushing James down to free up the goals.

After a particularly violent push from Sirius, sending James sprawling towards the ground, James called out angrily.

'Hey! What'd you do that for, eh? I quite nearly landed on my head! Stop fouling!'

'Quidditch is a contact sport, James, suck it up!' Sirius said seriously.

'It's not! What are you talking about?!' James said, rubbing his shoulder where Sirius had punched him earlier.

'Sorry, I just can't help myself. It's allowed in rugby,' Sirius said, looking at least a bit sorry.

'Rugby?' James wrinkled his nose. 'What's rugby?'

'It's only the best muggle sport in the world!' Sirius explained. 'It's just like quidditch in the muggle world, only it...well...OK, it's not at all like quidditch. But you're allowed to beat people up! In fact, it's encouraged!'

'Ah, I bet you're wonderful at that game, Padfoot,' James rolled his eyes.

'Yes, I am. Mum signed me up on a muggle team when I was only five,' Sirius remembered. 'She loves rugby, my mum; she's a bit fanatic really.' James tried very hard to imagine Mrs Black, the same woman who put mittens on her plants, cheering on some sort of brawling sport. It took a bit, but once the image formed in his head, he couldn't help but laugh.

'Alright,' James said, still chuckling a bit, 'let's get back to the game: three-one to me.'

'You're about to get taught a few things about backyard quidditch, my dear Prongs,' Sirius remarked snidely, preparing to take a shot on James.

'You're all talk. Let's just get this over with, shall we? I'm hungry, and I'll be through winning in a few moments if you hurry up a bit,' James taunted, guarding the goal posts almost lazily. Without further comment, Sirius charged James and attempted to thro the quaffle with all his might past James. James caught it easily and tossed it back.

'Bloody hell, James, are you some sort of machine? No one is that good. Let me have another go, you cheated that time!' Sirius prepared to throw the small red ball again. James caught it yet again, causing Sirius to let out a sound of frustration. James, thoroughly enjoying Sirius' irritation, tossed the quaffle back to him and motioned for him to try again.

This time however, instead of aiming for a goal, Sirius threw the quaffle directly at James' head. Taken aback, James had no time to respond and so he took the blow square in the forehead. Sirius watched in horror as James fell to the ground, not having enough composure to slow him down before he made very solid contact with the ground.

Sirius landed lightly and knelt down next to James. His eyes were open and he was breathing, but he had a strange, glazed looked in his eyes.

'James?' Sirius croaked, ghostly pale and staring at James with wide eyes. Sirius prodded James a bit, muttering to himself, 'Prongs, if you can hear me, blink!' James turned his head round to better face Sirius then enunciated very slowly and precisely.

'You'd better leave.'

'Oh, good, you can speak! How are you? Is anything broken?' Sirius asked, relief showing on every part of his face.

'You'd better leave.' James repeated.

'Why? D'you need me to go get help? You're not paralysed, are you?' Sirius said, worry replacing his relief.

'You'd better leave.'

'Why!?'

'Because, if you don't, I fancy I might beat your brains out,' James said monotonously, lying immutable on the snow covered pitch.

'Why would you hit me? It was your own fault you fell like that,' Sirius stated angrily. James blinked at him, then started chuckling.

'Er- I hope that there is a good reason for your laughing. I mean, you haven't cracked, have you?' Sirius said awkwardly, looking down at James prone form with deep concern in his eyes.

'Oh, there's a reason,' James said softly, then grabbed Sirius behind the knees, pulling him to the ground with a loud thump!

'Ah! What'd you do that for!?' Sirius cried out as James rolled over and began pummeling him mercilessly. Sirius, who didn't really feel pain but still liked to complain, yelled again, 'really! I don't think I've done anything to deserve this.'

'Oh, you haven't done a single thing,' James said sarcastically. 'I thoroughly enjoy being fouled repeatedly, hit in the head with a rock-like ball, then thrown twenty meters to the ground.'

'Well, I'm glad you've come to terms with this, James. Why don't you stop hitting me?' Sirius said, puzzled that James would continue beating him after he had just said he liked to be hurt in that fashion.

'Argh! You are annoying! I was being sarcastic. I'm injured, and it's because of you,' James said, smacking him across the face in retaliation.

'Oh, well how was I supposed to know that? Say what you mean next time, James. You know I don't understand lies, deception, and sarcasm- they're very foreign to me.' Seeing that James was showing no signs of stopping he added, 'just stop. You're going to hurt yourself. You hit like my sister!'

'No, you just don't feel anything- you get hit so often you've grown immune,' James said through gritted teeth as he attempted to pummel Sirius. Now it was Sirius turn to chuckle. 'What're you laughing at star-boy?'

'Oh, nothing. It's just that every time I play quidditch it ends in violence,' Sirius told him.

'What d'you mean?' James asked pausing his hammering on Sirius chest.

'Well, other than all the times I've played with you, and other people at school, there was this one time with Brianna...' Sirius began, grinning.

'Don't tell me you hit your little sister?!' James cried out in disbelief.

'Oh, no. Nothing like that. It was just this one time, when I wanted to practice, I had her play Keeper. Apparently I throw the quaffle very hard. Upon impact with her hands, both of her wrists shattered and she broke both her arms- one of them in two places. She fell off the broom as well. It wasn't pretty. That was the only time I can recall Mum ever being truly angry...' Sirius recounted nostalgically.

'That's awful! Now, when was this?' James asked as Sirius trailed off.

'Ah...I don't know. I was probably nine...maybe ten. Mum never let Bri back on a broomstick, and she hasn't been on one since. Not even for first year flying lessons with Hooch- Mum sent a note,' Sirius laughed again.

'You're insane...' James mused.

'You know, I've heard that before, and probably will hear it many times in the future,' Sirius pulled James back to his feet. 'Let's go and eat! I'm starving!' James seemed very crestfallen at this; from the look on his face, Sirius could tell that James was very hungry and not at all looking forward to his mother's cooking. 'Don't worry, James. We're not going through the kitchen at all- we're going to Dad's study.'

Mrs Black, as she stood over the counter in her favourite Christmas apron chopping up carrots to put in her tofu stew and humming contentedly her favourite Christmas tune, did not in the slightest notice that two extremely wet, dirty teenagers 'snuck' across her kitchen into her husband's study.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

A/N: As you can see, our chapters are much longer in this fic than our last one so our updates will be a little more spread out than some may like. Anyways, we just wanted to remind you how very egotistical we are and how we'd love to get your reviews!

-Hillary and Jess