I'm Not Neurotic! The Diary of Hermione Granger

In this story, you will notice people a bit out of character, so let me explain them...

Hermione - This is her diary, and I've always felt as if she's keeping something pent up inside her - like, oh I don't know, absolute insanity. So, she's using this diary to relieve that feeling. Thus, Hermione might seem a little...insane...I think she's the most insane in this chapter.

Also, she's turning 17, not 18...I invoke my creative licence, so there. Oh, and I also point you to the part where it says "AU." Therefore, do not harp on the fact that her age is wrong... MUAHA. Craziness. Seriously. Studying will do this to you. I have gone INSANE...okay, then. Back to the main point of all of this...

Harry - Dear God, I hope you can figure out why he's acting weird (AKA Perverted and nosy). If you can't...well, you will just have to wait. MUAHAHA. I do like my evil laugh.

Also, this is an Alternate Universe fic. Just forget about Book 6. So, no horcruxes, no evilkilling!Snape, and Dumbledore is alive - and above all, no H/G has occurred (which is important, or else Ginny's character would make no sense at all).

I think that about covers it.

So, enjoy the fic!

*****

September 19th

So, today is September 19th, as you obviously should have concluded from the date of this entry. If not...well that's nothing short of pathetic, isn't it? Honestly! Some people just never seem to get down the simple skill of deduction. Idiots. If everyone just stopped for one second and

Okay. I'm going to stop writing about that topic, as I really don't wish to bore you with a five-page rant...okay, so I wouldn't care. In actuality, Harry is staring over me and is reminding me why I was given this diary. To which I say: Go find your own diary to look in, Potter! Er, sorry...

Right. So, to answer dear Harry's question:

I received this diary because I, Hermione Granger, turned 17 today. Hums happy birthday to herself. Oui. C'est la vie. I'm finally of age, and in my final year of Hogwarts. Which, I will admit, is a bit depressing. Oh well...I'll just get back to the topic of my birthday.

So, I woke up this morning and decided that I would not, as I normally do on a Saturday, wear my uniform (yes, I will admit it, I can be odd sometimes). Instead I decided on a pair of blue jeans that have been hiding at the bottom of my trunk and this sweet short sleeved blue shirt I have that has a V-neck (nothing inappropriate - who do you think I am? Lavender?). That didn't stop Ron, Ginny, and Harry from staring at me as I walked into the common room Harry and I share as Heads, which we, of course, let our friends come into.

So, being myself, I glared at them and demanded what was up, to which Ron began stuttering and then blushed and looked away, and Harry simply remained silent and continued staring.

Ginny, however, being the obnoxious (yet loveable) person she is who is unembarrassed by any situation, replied, "We had no idea you actually had a figure, Hermione."

To which I responded that she was an absolute prat and that Ron and Harry were being gits. But everything worked out okay, because then they insisted on giving me presents (to save their skin, I believe).

Yes! Presents! The presents I received because Harry and Ron finally remembered that I have a birthday! You'd think they'd remember the other six years...or even ask why I hadn't celebrated a birthday...but no. I had to write them a letter pretending to be an anonymous source. Sometimes it's helpful that those two boys are incredibly naïve.

Anyway, back to my presents.

From my parents I received the most gorgeous necklace imaginable. It's a golden chain, and hanging from it is a sapphire shaped like a drop of water. And, as if that wasn't enough, they sent me a matching pair of earrings. Yes, one wouldn't expect Miss Hermione Granger to get excited about jewellery, but I am a girl, too, after all. So Lavender can quit pestering me to give them to her.

Ginny gave me a book entitled, "So You Can't Get a Boyfriend - Five simple and easy ways to snag the guy of your dreams!" Thanks, Gin - incredibly subtle. Apparently Ginny's under the impression that if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be a neurotic freak who cried at the idea of an E. Well, I'm sorry if my education happens to be important to me. Boyfriend. Honestly. I don't need a boyfriend! I mean, who needs a boyfriend when I have...er...Dobby! Okay, no, that didn't sound right. Not right at all... I'll come back to this later...

Mrs. Weasley sent me a home baked pecan pie and this gorgeous sweater she made. It's this bottle green colour that goes splendidly with my hazel eyes, and Harry's, actually. Unfortunately, I don't think he could fit into my sweater, not that he doesn't want to. Poor bloke. I saw him staring greedily at my sweater...or maybe it was a dull bored stare, but honestly, the two expressions are like peas in a pod. Truly, they are.

Mr. Weasley, who never usually sends me presents, gave me a collection of outlets. Apparently he believes one can never be without too many outlets. I couldn't bear telling him that I had enough outlets in my house. It's the thought that counts, after all.

Fred and George were kind enough to send me a bottle of hair straightener from their shop - a bottle that I will not be touching and will soon tragically find itself at the depths of the lake. Really, like I'm going to let them turn my hair into...into a raccoon or something.

Parvati and Lavender both didn't get me anything, though I have a nagging suspicion that they teamed up with Ginny on the book thing. They're on my case about having a relationship with a guy as well. They're insane, I tell you, insane! I don't need a boyfriend! I'm the most unstressed person in existence!

Right? Oh, shut up. What do you know? You're a book.

Anyway, back to the subject of gifts and me. Because this is the one day where I am recognized. Or, you know, recognized for five minutes or so before Ron realizes that there's food in the Great Hall just waiting for him.

Luna got me a subscription to The Quibbler. Not sure what I'll do with the magazines...probably use them when I need a good laugh or something to rant about. Did I mention how much I like to rant? My favourite ranting topic is house-elves, but I'll save that for later.

Ron, the idiot (but always loveable) he is, got me perfume again. I haven't the heart to tell him that I despise perfume, and usually end up giving it to Lavender or Parvati as a Christmas gift. Which is truly awful of me, I know, but then at least somebody is putting it to good use. And Ron's feelings aren't hurt.

To go on a tangent, Ron has a very small understand of the female species. He assumes that all girls love perfume and make up. Oh, Ron... Of course, it's absolutely obvious that he has a thing for me. I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just really painfully obvious. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him he's like my brother. I think I shall put that on my To-Do List, which currently consists of:

1. Free the house-elves
2. Convince Neville that the heliopaths Luna told him about in fifth year do not exist, and that it is indeed safe to go in for a career at the ministry if he so chooses
3. Convince Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati that I do not need a boyfriend
4. While I'm at it, convince the three mentioned above that I am not neurotic.
5. Convince Harry that sneaking into my room and creeping into my bathroom while I'm in the shower is not a good idea of a joke, is an abuse of his power as Head Boy and having a room next to mine, and an absolutely perverted thing for him to do, especially as my best friend.

And now, of course, I have 6. Break Ron's heart without actually breaking it.

Goodness, I have a lot to do...but more on that anon.

Oh! Malfoy got me a gift as well! It was a sweet little letter, which I will pen in here for you.

Dear Mudblood,

Who would ever imagine that you would live to be 17? Hopefully you'll be the next mudblood to be murdered - it's a shame that it didn't work out in second year. Would've saved us all a lot of trouble. And our eyes, as well.

Wasn't that the sweetest thing you ever read? I think it's my favourite gift. I'll treasure it forever. That or burn it. Yes, I think I'll go with the latter.

Now, for the final present, which, of course, was from Harry. Being the dear he is, he gave me...this diary. With this message inscribed on the front page:

Dear Hermione,

We all know that you're very studious neurotic (the neurotic seems to be in Ginny's penmanship - apparently she snuck in and crossed out the studious and replaced it with that horrible word. I will be having a word with that Weasley girl) and take everything extremely seriously. However, I know on the inside you're probably bursting to be...well, I don't know. Something else. You're someone who I imagine keeps a lot inside of you, and you're probably dying to curse as well. So I present you with this diary, so that you can write everything you really feel, and so that I can also sneak looks and know what really goes on in that bushy head of yours.

Your dearest friend,

Harry

Thank you, Harry, dear. That's exactly what I need to hear...or rather read: that I need a diary to remain sane. How sweet. And no, you cannot look at what I write in this.

Did you not read what I just said? Stop looking in here, Damnit! No, you were not right. Quit snickering. I didn't curse because I was dying to do so. I did it because you're being a complete prat.

There. That's better.

Truth be told, the diary is gorgeous. It's hand bound and has lightly coloured blue parchment. It must have cost him a great deal. I really am grateful for it, and it's one of the few gifts that showed the giver actually knew me, because whether or not I'll admit it, I need an outlet.

Honestly, what with penting up all my craziness, etc., for school, I need somewhere to be the...me that's bursting to come out, as Harry so eloquently worded it.

Now I'm going to close this diary and put it somewhere where Harry will never find it, because he's getting very nosy lately. I have no idea why. I must ask Ron. Or Ginny. Ginny seems to have a strong understanding of why males do what they do. Yes, I will definitely ask Ginny.

For now, I must go on patrol with Harry before we go to breakfast...I'll probably take the time to lecture him on privacy and explain how from now on I will be putting an extremely strong lock on my bathroom, so he can quit trying to break in. The pervert, honestly.

I wish I knew what has gotten into him.

And if I find one more couple making out in the library (how dare they abuse the books!) or fondling one another in a niche somewhere...I swear I will be permanently scarred for life.

*****

September 19 - Later today

Okay, just finished breakfast. So, now I'm relaxing, as it's Saturday and I've already done all of my homework for the next week. Poor Harry and Ron are racing to finish their homework for advanced Potions. Snape will have their skin, he will, I swear it. And I will not help them this time, because they are insufferable gits who never do their work.

Okay, so I'll give them two hours before I pity them. They're lucky that troll came along in first year.

So, I had a nice conversation with dear Harry during patrols, which I will record in here.

"Okay, Harry," I told him as we walked along the corridor. "I need to have a word with you... Hey! You! Yes you," I yelled at a couple snogging. "Didn't anyone tell you that making out in the hallways is strictly for- get your hand out from under her shirt this instant!" The couple ran away, looking both amused and horrified that I had found them out.

"You couldn't have gone a little lighter on them, could you?" Harry asked me.

"Harry," I sighed, "they were basically having sex in the hallway. I don't know about you, but I certainly didn't want to witness that!"

"There's nothing wrong with watching a couple having a healthy shag, Hermione," Harry said, grinning evilly at me. "You can learn a lot."

Disgusted, I replied, "You're an absolute pervert, you know that?"

"And that's why you love me." Harry fluttered his eyelashes innocently as I glared at him.

"I don't know what's gotten into you lately," I replied, ploughing on before he could reply. "Let's get back to what I needed to talk to you about."

"Which was?" Harry asked.

Without even introducing the topic, I exclaimed, "Quit trying to sneak into my bloody bathroom while I'm taking my shower!"

Harry gave a small laugh and then made a puppy dog face. "But it's so much fun to hear you scream as you hear the door unlock and to slowly open the door to find you red with rage with a towel hastily wrapped around you."

"Fun? Fun?" I reiterated. "Harry James Potter!

"Oh, don't full name me, Miss Hermione Jane Granger," Harry retorted.

"Cute, Harry," I replied, sarcasm dripping from my words, "very cute. But I'm not sure if you're aware of this - in society, it's usually frowned upon to see someone of the opposite sex naked unless you're married."

"Married?" Harry gave out a great laugh. "You're such a prude, Hermione!"

"I'm prudish for not wanting you to see me naked?" I demanded of Harry.

"Okay, well, no..." Harry trailed off, looking slightly guilty.

"Ha," I said triumphantly. "I'm right, as always."

"You are not always right!" Harry objected.

"Am, too."

"Are not."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "I bet you your Firebolt that Lavender Brown is in the library behind a stack of books making out with her present boy toy."

"Does it have to be my Firebolt?" Harry begged. "How about...a stick. From outside. That I pick up randomly from the ground. And add pieces of grass to at the end."

"Ha!" I said once more. "See? You know I'm right."

"Okay, so you're right. I admit it. Can I sneak into your bathroom now without you blowing a gasket?" Harry gave me a wicked smile.

"Harry Potter, you are insane," I replied simply.

"Indeed," Harry agreed, and then giving me a side glance added, "but so are you."

And that ends the conversation. It was so much fun. I should have more of these weird conversations with Harry.

Damn. I forget to ask Ginny why Harry is acting like this. Must remember to do so tomorrow.

And I also want to lead a revolt among the house elves...but they seem to be very stubborn. Honestly. Why can't they just realize that they want freedom?

*****

So...like it? Hate it? Please give me some feedback so I can know what I did well on and what I can improve!

Thanks so much for reading.

~Hermione_Crookshanks