A Chance You Only Get Once

Chapter Thirty
At Memory Lane and Thirty-Fourth Street

Remus had always wondered what the snow-woman would look like to a lost first year (for those were the only group that were ever truly lost) if he or she stumbled into the clearing in the summer. Now he knew to some degree. Remus did not come here often. Every Christmas he came religiously. And every time that there was a death. He had come here after the battle at Hogwarts with Tonks. He stopped here now on the way to Albus Dumbledore's funeral.

The snow-woman had none of the expressions that would have been on Marissa's face if she had been here today. There would be deep hurt and loss and betrayal on even her ever-bright features. She would be crying onto his shoulder at the funeral if she had lived to see this day. The snow-woman, however, was still smiling slightly, her face utterly serene.

The day did not seem to know what had occured anymore than the snow-woman. It was a blazing hot day under a bright blue sky. No comforting wind stirred the grass or trees. The sun did not shine more warmly. Marissa offered him no comfort this time.

Perhaps she no longer knew him. After all, the man that he was today was a world away from the boy that he had been when he knew her. He had seen the beginning of two great wars and the death of too many people that he loved. He had worked as a spy and penetrated into the very lair of the enemy. He had fought every manner of Dark Creature imaginable. He had been cast out of a powerful and influential pureblood family. He had recruited dozens of creatures to the side of the Order of the Phoenix and convinced thousands to remain neutral. He had lived with a terrible burden from the age of five. He had kept a huge secret from Albus Dumbledore himself for years. He had failed to save Sirius Black twice. He had taught Harry Potter himself and been chosen as his favorite teacher. He had helped Mariella Goring develop the great Wolfsbane potion. He had killed many men and beasts. He had loved only one other woman.

The last one was most likely the cause of her silence. Remus Lupin had fallen in love again. She was much younger, but she had the same quirky spirit as Marissa herself. She saw things in black and white more than Marissa had, but that only contributed to the fact that Tonks was her own person. She was not his substitute Marissa, but Marissa certainly would have liked her.

Remus and Tonks were to sit near the front of the massive audience soon. Remus had fallen to his knees when Harry Potter told him that Albus Dumbledore was dead. The man who trusted him and believed in him for the first time in his life since the bite... Who had believed in him even when his parents had not...

But Albus Dumbledore had cost this man much more than anyone, perhaps even he himself, guessed. At the age of eleven, he had cost him his integrity. Dumbledore gave him a way to hide his condition and taught him to lie. At the age of fifteen, he cost him his anonymity and his peace of mind when he made him a prefect and asked him to try to stop his best friends from pranking, an impossible task.

At the age of seventeen, he cost him his future when he became a secret agent for the newly formed Order of the Phoenix which took up so much time that it became impossible for him to hold another job. He cost him his only chance to work as circumstances were to reveal in later Ministry decrees. At eighteen, he cost him his independence when the Lupin fortune was pulled out from under him and he had no way to support himself with his work for the Order so all-encompassing. He eventually had to take Dumbledore's offer of monetary assistance. At the age of nineteen, he cost him his friends who had made his life worthwhile. The money and the disappearances that Dumbledore had asked of him for his role in the Order made his friends began to suspect that he was the one who had betrayed them.

At the age of twenty-five, he cost him his dignity when he became the test subject of Mariella Goring as she developed the Wolfsbane potion. At the age of thirty-three, he cost him his integrity all over again when he made him hide his true nature to teach at Hogwarts. That same year, it cost him his secret when his enemy revealed it to the school. At the age of thirty-five, he lost his home when he was asked to move to the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters.

This was perhaps only the beginning of the list, but its length would surprise those who believed that Albus Dumbledore did no harm and only good. There would be many such people here today and more who had believed it until the mask of his murderer had been revealed, but there would be a few who knew that it did not matter if Dumbledore was infallible. He was a good man and a great wizard. The first was far more important than the second. He trusted and loved as freely as Marissa herself had. They had both been killed for trusting too unwisely.

It was both fitting and unfitting for the trait that made their lives so remarkable to be the death of them. They were certainly the sort to die for what they believed in, though perhaps not quite to die because what they believed in was wrong.

Remus had thought that he would stand here wishing that she were here as he always did. He could still feel the stirrings of the longing for her gentle smile. He still stood there thinking that she would know what to do, that having her here would make a day like this easier. True, she would have written a beautiful speech about the real Albus Dumbledore, and no one would have complained about her appointment to the task. She would have placed tissues strategically and broken the uncomfortable crying barrier herself. She would have been there as a pillar of strength for all those who loved her.

Above all, she would take his hand at the ceremony and not let go throughout it as he watched the burial of the man whose trust and faith in him meant everything to Remus Lupin. But Marissa Fletcher had been the first shattering loss of someone that meant everything to him rather than the last. She was followed by all of the Marauders in one night. Then Peter and later Sirius all over again. Now Albus Dumbledore. All of the people who had believed in him and loved him when he couldn't even believe in and love himself.

There was Harry now. And Nymphadora.

But here was where he found the strength to reach out again. Here was where he had always found the courage to take another's hand and hold onto someone. Here was the place where his heart had rested. Marissa was ground zero for him. His greatest joy and his deepest pain all in one short but amazing girl who had been whisked away by the powers of darkness.

Except today. Today she had nothing to offer him. Today she felt like a memory out of long ago. A part of who he became, undeniably. The love of his life, certainly. The person who made him feel truly loved for the first time in his life, naturally. He was who he was today because of her.

But however powerful a memory, however great his love for her, it all felt quite distinctly in the past now. Hogwarts days were, at last, behind Remus Lupin. With the death of Albus Dumbledore, there was now no one from that time left in his life. He was ready, at last, to let it go. He was finally ready to build a life not connected to the one that he had lost.

Tonks had told him a few months ago, with a dazed look on her face, that she finally understood what Marissa Fletcher meant to him. Remus wondered if even Tonks could ever really understand what she had been. Someone who had loved him above all others yes, but it was more than that. She could have had anyone in the world, but she chose him, even knowing everything. She was brightness and beauty and love and understanding and happiness with a mischievous gleam in her eyes, and she had only wanted him.

"Goodbye, Marissa," he said softly the words that he had never before been able to force his lips to form. "I love you. I always will," he said the words that he had barely dared to think in years. Then the hardest words of all, "I'm ready to keep my promise."

Remus turned and walked out of the clearing. He found that Tonks had waited for him just outside of the forest. She quietly slipped her hand into his. He held on tightly as they walked forward to Albus Dumbledore's funeral and his second goodbye of the day. Tonks did not let go of his hand throughout.

* * *

The Meeting of Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs for the express purpose of summarizing and congratulating said company on the honorable mischief managed over the course of the year had been moved, by unspoken general consent, from the end of the year train ride to the first evening of Christmas holidays. None of the seventh year Gryffindors had even considered going home for Christmas this year. Or rather, they hadn't considered leaving home for the holidays. After all, with the notable exception of Mr. Prongs, they had no family to speak of other than the family that they would be leaving behind.

Mr. Padfoot, as was customary, convened the meeting. Mr. Prongs began with the first schedule of organization in recalling their deeds. "January was obviously a very slow month," Mr. Prongs said solemnly and reluctantly. "But the mayhem of February certainly overcompensated."

"Will Mr. Padfoot never be forgiven for that?" Mr. Padfoot queried lightly at the look that Mr. Prongs sent in his direction.

"If that is Mr. Padfoot's desire, then Mr. Padfoot would be well-advised to show genuine remorse," Mr. Prongs said pointedly.

"It must be remarked, however," Mr. Wormtail interjected with a smirk, "that Mr. Prongs's rescue of said victim has caused that victim considerably more distress than anticipated."

"Quite true, Mr. Wormtail," Mr. Padfoot said. "Though certainly not the level of distress that that victim deserves."

"I suggest we move on to March, Mr. Padfoot," Mr. Prongs said, his voice slightly strained.

"The highlight of March was easily the color redistribution of Miss Marjorie Dursley," Mr. Padfoot continued without argument. Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs knew well not to pry into the subject of Snivellus with undue vigor. Mr. Prongs was not eager to know whether or not he would knowingly have gone to that victim's rescue while Mr. Padfoot did not like to contemplate the great deal of pain and trouble that he might have caused Mr. Moony.

"Although it must be noted that it was in slightly poor taste to do so directly after the funeral of Lady Leaf's mother," Mr. Moony spoke up for the first time in the meeting.

"Everything that that woman did was in poor taste," Mr. Prongs noted for the record. "You heard the things that she was saying to Lady Leaf."

"Lady Leaf, it must be generally noted," Mr. Padfoot added, "has become much kinder herself, especially as regards our fair company. Lady Leaf is, in fact, not mean, even to Mr. Prongs, at all anymore."

"Lady Leaf was never mean, Mr. Padfoot," Mr. Prongs corrected him quietly.

"Present company is aware of Mr. Prong's feelings for Lady Leaf and would like to point out that Lady Leaf is not in present company," Mr. Padfoot said with a jovial smirk that was not quite what it once was. "Furthermore, even Mr. Prong's infatuation with Lady Leaf should not stifle his memory to past actions on her part."

"Lady Leaf was never mean," Mr. Prongs continued in a musing voice with a small smile for this best friend's comments. "She just had very high standards. Like Mrs. Moony really."

As no one else said anything, Mr. Prongs continued a moment later. "She could have anyone in Gryffindor Tower for her friend. Oh, I know that she doesn't think so, but she could. But in all of Hogwarts, Mrs. Moony was the only one that Lady Leaf wanted. Mrs. Moony and Lady Leaf both saw people, not as they are, but as what they could be, what they were meant to be, the very best version of themselves. Lady Leaf just lacks Mrs. Moony's eternal, somewhat naive, optimism that we will eventually become those people. Lady Leaf can't understand why we aren't the people we truly are at heart, and it makes Lady Leaf angry and frustrated when we fall short."

"Like Lady Leaf's always perfect," Mr. Wormtail scoffed.

"No, and she's hardest on herself when she fails," Mr. Prongs continued. "She can't understand why she falls short either."

"So the discoloration of Miss Dursley on Lady Leaf's behalf was certainly a worthwhile use of our talents," Mr. Padfoot concluded neatly. "As for April, the first Quidditch match of the 1977 year. How would you rate our display as compared with Mrs. Moony's legacies?"

"Tasteful," Mr. Prongs said with a definite smirk on his face.

"Which translates into failure, unfortunately," Mr. Padfoot said with a heavy sigh. "We will have to endeavor further in the upcoming match. Perhaps we should enlist the aid of the un-mean Lady Leaf? She was, after all, an integral part of the most disturbing image I have ever been forced to watch."

"I'm sure that Lady Leaf would appreciate being asked," Mr. Moony said, rising from his stupor briefly before fading back into the shadowland that he inhabited.

"May the record reflect that it will be the first time that the Marauders have to call in outside reinforcements to outdo the legacy of another prankster," Mr. Padfoot said, shaking his head as if the world were coming to an end.

"She's not such an outsider anymore," Mr. Prongs pointed out with a growing smile.

"Duly noted, Mr. Prongs," Mr. Padfoot said with a smile of his own. "Now, let us move on to May. There was significant improvement in that Quidditch match, but only because we won the Cup. It was disgracefully lacking in any particular pranking."

"Well, Mr. Padfoot was particularly busy with his duties as Assisstant Groundskeeper as the last prank we pulled in April-" Mr. Wormtail began only to be cut off by Mr. Padfoot.

"I forgot about the Nifflers!" Mr. Padfoot exclaimed, sharing a laugh with Mr. Prongs. "I can't believe that we forgot that I would have to be cleaning up the devastation they caused in the Slytherin dungeons and surrounding areas as part of my probation!"

"You may have forgotten, Mr. Padfoot," Mr. Prongs said daringly. "Frankly, for me, that was an added bonus."

"In that case, you deserve what happened in July," Mr. Padfoot said simply. "Lady Leaf dragging you to her sister's Coming Out ball to parade you around like a monkey!"

"There was a definite improvement when the guests suddenly started sprouting random ah, limbs," Mr. Prongs said with another laugh. "I'm not so sure that Lady Leaf or her sister Sauerkraut liked that one quite so much."

"Mr. Wormtail, and Mr. Moony too, I'm sure, would have appreciated being clued into the July madness," Mr. Wormtail muttered with no small degree of disgruntlement.

"That was mostly contained to Muggle London, Mr. Wormtail, and you were abroad anyway," Mr. Padfoot said with a dismissive wave. "Now, let's move on to the school year. September started off with a bang - literally - but I think that if fell off a bit towards the end..."

What they all thought but none of them said was that it was not nearly as much fun this time to look over the past year in pranks. It was for the same reason that they had not done the year end review on the train ride at the end of last year - using the fact that Lily was there as a convenient excuse. Always before, they had been competing with the antics of Marissa (and sometimes Lily). Now there was no one to compare their mayhem to.

* * *

"It's so weird to see Gus like this," Lily said, shifting slightly in her seat on the couch near the fireplace. She had her legs tucked up under her as she sat facing James. They had made a habit of talking about Marissa on this couch when the common room was empty. It was, after all, where they had stayed together after last Christmas. "He was always so full of life around her. I just wish that he'd been in Gryffindor so that we could keep an eye on him."

"And serve as a constant reminder," James pointed out. "It might be for the best that he's not here. He and Remus would torture each other. They already do just looking at each other in the Great Hall. It's better that Mariella Goring is our little project."

"She is a very nice girl," Lily said, her eyes darting down to the fabric of the couch cushion. "She makes me feel like I'm younger than her even when I have a decade on her. She's the most bewildering child that I've ever met."

Lily was silent for a minute, staring down at the cushion. "Did you ever go visit Dung while he was here with Riss? Merlin, he was different. Scarily so. Both brother and sister were both so alive and happy around each other. She was like a mother to him..."

James could tell how those words bit at Lily because of the death of her own mother. It had been a bitter and crushing blow so soon on the heels of losing Marissa. "Two orphans dropped into Hogwarts the same year that I lose my family, and I can't do anything to help either of them."

James gently raised her chin up to force her to meet his eyes. "You've tried. I don't think that those wounds can be healed even by the almighty Head Girl," he told her with a gentle smile.

"Thank you, James," she said softly, with a slight smile of her own. "For what you said to Sirius."

"You heard - "

"I heard," Lily confirmed. "And thank you." They were silent for a moment. Then Lily could not keep back the question, "How is that you still knew me when I refused to glance at you? How did you manage that when all that I would let you see is the worst side of myself?"

"Marissa," James answered simply, shrugging slightly. "She was always very careful to make sure that I was looking for how to impress the real you." Lily looked slightly surprised by this information. "What? Did you think that the extent of her plan was telling you that I was worth a chance? No. She was subtle on occasion."

Now it was James's turn to look away, toward the crackling fire in front of them. "She cared about all of us so much. She gave up so much just so that we wouldn't have to worry. She bore so much alone just so that we..." His voice caught in his throat. "Why does God always demand people like her young? Why did Voldemort have to take her? Anyone, anyone else wouldn't have made the world so dark. He - he could have killed me. That wouldn't have been so bad. Why couldn't he have just killed a stupid prat like me? Why someone like her?"

Lily turned his face toward her, looking into his eyes seriously, she told him, "I'm glad that he didn't kill you." James looked steadily back at her, seeing the fear in her eyes. "Please don't ever say that again."

Then a strange thing happened. Even years later, Lily and James would never be sure who started moving forward first, but very slowly, very carefully, they came closer and closer to each other. Then their lips were touching.

Very gently, Lily began to kiss James Potter who, of course, kissed her back. This was unlike any of the times that they had kissed any other boy or girl. This was no awkward first kiss. This felt right. This was what kissing was supposed to be like, electricity flowing through them and making them feel alive with the slightest touch.

After a few seconds, however, James pulled back. "Wait," he said, his heart beating out of his chest. "Lily..." he couldn't seem to find the words. "I've waited for this for a long time, Lils. I waited so long just to be your friend again. I can't lose you again now. I can't ... I can't lose your friendship again. Not now."

"Don't tell me that you're scared, James Potter," Lily replied with a small smile.

"Of losing you again?" James said seriously, looking at her intensely. "I'm terrified, Lils. Please, don't do this to me unless you ... unless you can..."

"Unless I can know that it will work?" Lily looked back down at the couch cushion and found a stray thread which she began to play with to have something to do with her hands. Finally, she replied, "You have to know that it can, James. I need you, I care about you, the way we just kissed...it has to work out."

"Oh, Lily, please don't say that if you don't mean it," James told her quickly. "I can't take it if it's not true."

Lily nodded and looked down at the couch cushion again. "Can I have a week to think about it?"

James smiled wryly, "Hey, it took me three years."

* * *

Remus was the only prefect who was aloud to not pay attention in meetings. Despite the returning prefects' slight uncertainty about a pair of Heads who had never been prefects before, they turned out to run the meeting very well. Of course, everyone liked and respected them. They liked the idea of James Potter as Head Boy, and Lily would have been a good choice even if she didn't have the aura of Marissa Fletcher hanging about her. This year, she had even gone among the first years drying eyes and telling Muggle jokes - picking on any nearby pureblood playfully.

Their whole rule was efficient and playful and light-handed. The chink in their armor was their unwillingness to force one of the prefects under their charge to actually come out of his stupor for meetings or any of his other duties. They did not make him patrol. He, after all, had no partner to patrol with. Not that anyone particularly blamed them for not wanting to push Remus Lupin to do anything that would remind him even more of Marissa Fletcher.

So as Lily and James talked about something or other to the "skeleton staff" of prefects still at the Castle for Christmas (a larger number than usual as the world had grown darker), Remus remained in the world in which he had lived primarily for almost a year. It was a world where time was fluid and the past intersected with the present. Remus Lupin was, in fact, attending a prefect meeting. It was simply the one that had occured a little over a year ago.

He and Marissa were just in time, hurrying forward and laughing about something he had forgotten. She had stopped him outside of the door and given him a quick kiss. "Before that voice-over lady can yell at us," she had smirked, giving him another quick peck.

They had turned to go in, greeted by a tremendous yell from the assembly. Marissa had broken out into laughter immediately. Remus had been angry. "Very funny!" he had snapped at his fellow prefects who looked far too pleased with themselves.

"Don't be grumpy, Remus, our friends have thrown us a -"

"Freaking baby shower!" Remus had said, glaring at all of them.

"It's sweet," Marissa had said, looking at him with eyes that were positively dancing with amusement. Remus had not found it nearly so funny.

"They're implying that you're pregnant!"

"You mean, babies don't come from the stork?" she had quipped lightly gliding over to hug Alice Longbottom and Marlene McKinnon happily. "Oh, don't look like that, darling!" she had said, turning back to face Remus. "You're a Marauder for crying out loud! You should appreciate a practical joke!"

"You've got to admit, you're getting married awfully suddenly," Alice had laughed defensively at Remus's blustering anger.

"Well, I'm going to-"

"Open the presents and return them for cash value," Marissa had cut him off with a smile. "It's a party with gifts, Remus, don't spit on it. We can put the money toward an awesome cake." With that, she had sat down in the chair they provided for her, surrounded by prettily wrapped gifts.

"Or a blender," Remus had replied, reluctantly walking over to sit next to her. It had been a running almost-argument between them that Marissa had seemed more concerned with the wedding than the marriage.

In this case, however, she had simply laughed gaily and replied. "With this kind of loot, I bet we'll be able to get both." Then she had laughed again. "But if not, we'll get the blender," she ceded, leaning over to kiss him gently.

"NO PDA IN THE PREFECT MEETING ROOM!" the voice had positively shrieked indignantly. "AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY NOT TO USE YOUR TONGUES! I KNEW YOU TWO WERE TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME YOU CAME IN HERE! NOW FOR THE LAST TIME, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF EACH OTHER IN HERE OR I'LL-"

"Oh shut up," Marissa had shouted back at it. And, unbelievably to all present, it had obeyed.

"I beg your pardon," Lily cried in surprise, shocking Remus out of his remembrances. James was looking at Remus like he was profoundly worried about him. Had he said the last part aloud? Neither looked angry, merely unsure how to treat his sudden blurt.

"Well," Lily said a moment later, "I suppose that he does have a point. We've been at it quite long enough. I'll see you all around. Next meeting when everyone's back. Have a good holiday."

"Happy Christmas," James added. "Remus, do you want to add another non-sequiter to that?" Remus did not respond. He merely stood to leave, walking beside Lily and James who, quite suddenly, looked terribly awkward walking together now that they had no prefect business to talk about.

All in all, it was a very awkward walk back to the Common Room. Sirius and Peter were sitting there with a chess set, Sirius's expression sour and Peter's triumphant. "You winning, Padfoot?" James asked with a smirk. Sirius grunted at him in annoyance. "Don't take it too hard when he beats you, eh, Wormtail?"

"Duck!" "OW!" came from Lily and, a split second later, Remus from behind the trio bent over the chess board. A small rectangular package lay on the ground at the feet of Remus, who was massaging the top of his head and wincing slightly. "I haven't had anything attack me out of the sky since Valentine's Day when Marissa..."

That silenced even the questions that they all had been bursting to ask. They knew immediately what it was, or rather, who it was from. Lily bent down and picked up the package wrapped in parchment. She turned it over and they all saw the familiar handwriting on the front. Lily read aloud, "No questions: go to the fireplace of the Common Room and pull on the third lock in the lion's mane. A small hole will open up in the wall on the far side of the common room. Inside is a VCR that I've adapted to work even in a magical area (all right, so I just told the Room of Requirement to make one for me, so sue me). Play the first tape."

Sirius had automatically followed her instructions as they were read aloud. Sure enough, a small hole opened up and a Muggle television could be seen, perhaps for the first time, in the Gryffindor Common Room. Lily opened up the package carefully. Two Muggle video tapes were inside. The first read, "To Lily and the Marauders," and the second, "To Gus."

Lily walked over to the VCR and inserted the tape. She inserted the tape addressed to them. A moment later, she was the only one not surprised to see images slide onto the screen. Hogwarts first, then the Great Hall...Sirius, James, Lily and Snape soaked through and Sorted late...Remus spinning Marissa around in mad circles...Peter throwing a frozen turkey down a greased trash bag lane...

For a few minutes the memories continued, then they all faded away and the face of a smiling though slightly pained Marissa Fletcher took over the screen. "Hello, my friends," she said, her smile growing. "Dumbledore was good enough to let me use his Pensieve to record some of my favorite memories. I just though that that was a good way to begin, to remind you all that we had some good times, great times, incredible times even. We were so lucky to have each other, all of us..."

The smile faltered for a moment. "If you're seeing this, it means that I died. Hopefully, you're seeing it when we're all eighty years old because I forgot I arranged this silly enchantment. But probably not.

"I arranged the enchantment so that it would reach you the first time that all five of you were alone together at Hogwarts," she told them. They all jumped and looked around at each other in shock. Surely, surely she must have made a mistake... But slowly, one by one, they realized that she hadn't. They could not think of one time when they had been alone together since Marissa's death. Classes, but few all together and never alone... Full moons, but no Lily... Pranks, but seldom any Remus... Late nights in the Common Room, but often no Peter... And these moments when they were almost all together were fewer and further between than any of them had liked to realize. When that sobering thought had set in, they looked back at Marissa who was smiling at them again.

"I made this main part of the tape on my birthday. Yes, Sirius, I let the old bat get to me," Marissa smirked and rolled her eyes at herself. "I just thought that...if I didn't get to say goodbye for some reason, at least this would do it for me. I made one for Gus too, will you get it to him, please? I know you will, thank you.

"So, here are all the things I was afraid that I would never say," Marissa said, then she took a deep breath, closing her eyes as if to gather her strength.

"Peter," he jumped, terrified that she would reveal him. Then he realized that she hadn't figured it out yet when she made the tape. He suddenly felt almost disappointed. He hadn't admitted to himself how much he wanted her (coded) forgiveness of him. Then again, she would have warned the others. "Don't ever think that you aren't a real Marauder. Don't ever think that you are less than the other boys. You are incredible and you have a strength hidden in you that even you do not know about. I hope that you find it in time. Know that we all care about you and love you. You're our brother, Peter, never forget that. You other boys, don't let him."

Everyone had unconsciously turned to Peter at some point during this speech. Now they turned back to Marissa on the screen. "And James, oh James, I hope that I haven't done more harm than good in your case. I want you to know that any girl would be lucky to have you, and that you need to feel free to love again. I sometimes worry that I locked you into one choice in Lily, but you need to make that and every other choice for yourself. I also worry that I may have inflated your ego too much, but it was very hard for me because I admire you so much. Yes, you do silly and self-important, inconsiderate things sometimes - which you should stop, by the way - but you have one of the greatest and bravest hearts that I've ever known. Please, please don't doubt yourself or give up on becoming the great man that you are meant to be."

Then Marissa smiled just for him before moving on. "And Sirius, all I can say is that you are not your family. You are not bound to their fate. You have broken from everything that you detest in them from the moment that I met you. I never saw a dangerous, treacherous Black in you once. Yes, you tend to be a little overdramatic and vengeful, but you also have compassion and loyalty and a sense of right and wrong. You will go far, and you will not be one of them. You were a great friend to me, Sirius, you'll make a great father someday. Don't let your fear of becoming a Black keep you from bringing others into the world."

Her friends saw that Marissa had tears flowing down her cheeks by this point, and noticed that some were running down their own as well. "Lils, oh Lils, you've been the best friend that a girl could imagine. You've been like a sister to me, the very best sister in the world. Someday, Petunia will see that again and remember it. I know it. Who can resist you, Lils? To that end, take a little pity on James about not being able to resist you - the bloke's only human. Choose who you love, Lils, but for goodness sake's, make sure that you let more people in. Love more freely, Lils, and try to keep your temper around James long enough to see that he doesn't really mean any harm. He's just bad at trying to impress you. See if you can break him of that bad habit."

Marissa looked down and took another deep breath, then another. Suddenly, she was coughing, hacking actually. They only saw a few seconds before her arm reached out and the screen went blank for a few seconds. Then the feed came back and Marissa was fighting to smile again. Tears were flowing freely down her face unchecked. "Remus..." she choked back a sob. "Remus, I - I...I'm so sorry. I...I'm so sorry I've been afraid to say...so sorry that I wouldn't...I'm so sorry if I never told you, but I love you. I love you, I love you, Remus Lupin. I - I was accepting it. I had accepted it, and you made me want to ... to try again. You made me miss - regret - all over again. I wish I could stay with you. I don't want to leave you. But please, please promise me that you'll be happy. Please, I can't bear it - I'm really selfish you know!" With all the other speeches, Marissa had seemed in perfect control, as if she had written out exactly what she knew each of her friends needed to hear. Now, she was losing it and rambling, fighting for words deep enough for her meaning.

"Yes, I am!" Marissa cried defiantly as if she could hear the loud grunt of disagreement that Remus had let out. "Or I wouldn't have put you through everything. I couldn't help it...I love you, Remus. Please, please, whatever you do, be happy. Promise me." Marissa had reached out her hand toward the camera, pressing her hand against the glass as if about to reach through the screen. "I love you," she whispered again. "Goodbye, Remus..."

Remus had already stood before Marissa's gesture. When her hand went up, his was already there, reaching for her, trying to press through the glass to reach her. "Riss," he whispered, bringing his far hand up as if to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. "Promise me," she insisted. Remus was shaking his head slightly. "Goodbye..."

"No," Remus cried under his breath just before the screen turned into static, leaving him trying to reach through the glass for nothing. Perhaps everything would have been different, and considering who these people were the entire world, if any of them had risen to stand with Remus at that moment. Instead, they were rooted to their seats in grief and a sense of shame. Somehow, Lily's hand found James's, whose other hand clasped Sirius on the shoulder. Peter was sitting apart from them. Remus stood there alone for a long time.

* * *

Lily elected herself to give the tape to Mundungus. The Marauders took it upon themselves to clear out the Common Room. It was perhaps the first time in the history of Hogwarts that Gryffindor Tower had been emptied to accomodate a first year Hufflepuff. Lily was waiting there to walk with him back to Hufflepuff Dormitory an hour later when he exited, dry-eyed.

When she came back, the Tower was still deserted except for the four boys who were trying to joke like they had before. "I want to do something to make sure that the last year doesn't happen again," Lily declared. Silence fell as all the boys gave her their full attention. "We wanted to forget our pain, to forget about Marissa, so we practically split ourselves in two - five - you know what I mean. We need to remember her together."

"What do you suggest?" Peter asked in a small voice.

"A living memory," Sirius said with a growing smile. "I know a spell for that..."

"I know which memory," Remus added softly.

Lily did the research, and James learned the spell. On the afternoon of Christmas Eve, the five Gryffindor seventh years went out to the Forbidden Forest and found the small clearing that the Marauders had often visited during the full moon. Remembering the morning of Marissa's seventeenth birthday together, James cast the charm to seal their collective memory of the eternal instant that Marissa had perched atop the roof, her eyes closed and arms spread in a gesture of peace.

Out of the snow, as if a hundred hands formed it or the wind blew it there, the image of a snow-woman grew. It fell perfectly into place, crowned with newfallen snow. Wings flew back behind her, her hair streamed back from her face. Once the snow-woman was complete, Lily came forward and wrapped the Gryffindor scarf, with dozens of winking James Potter buttons attached, around her neck. Then Remus came forward and pinned his plain metal Prefect badge on her robes, keeping her silver one for himself.

They stood there with the memory of her that they had created, watching her peaceful form. It was a memory that would survive as long as they held this image close to their hearts. As long as they did not forget her, as long as they remembered her together, this spell and this memory would have great power in their lives. Because they still loved their old friend so dearly in the years to come, the memory had the power to comfort them in sadness, protect them from danger, give them rest from toils and torture, and even to warn them of impending sorrow. Because Hogwarts still remembered her even when all the rest had gone, the snow-woman never fully melted. She still stands there today as she will forever, waiting to give some lost first year a bit of comfort and hope that he is not hopelessly lost in the woods.

As they turned to leave, Lily cast protective spells over the clearing, just to give Marissa a helping hand. And that no one would be able to find her to try to damage her after they had all gone.

* * *

Lily and the Marauders stayed up talking in the Common Room very late that night. So late, in fact, that Lily fell asleep on the couch again. James placed a blanket over her, whispering to Sirius, "It's about time she fell asleep. I was about to stun her!"

It was half an hour later that the sound of light hoof-beats on the roof finally roused Lily from slumber. She woke up, slightly disoriented, to see a broom lying next to her. There was a small note on it, on which James had written, "Take it to the roof, I promise I'll help you down this time." Smiling, Lily opened the window and mounted the broom, zooming out it in a way that would have made James proud.

She soared up over the castle and surveyed the roof. It didn't take her long to find it. She dove toward the first somewhat flat surface of roof near Gryffindor Tower. She rolled off of her broom laughing wildly. Santa's sleigh, complete with a deer "pulling" it and Father Christmas himself in a jolly red suit, stood before her.

"MEERRRY CHRISTMAS!" he bellowed with a jolly laugh. "Have you been a good girl this year? Or have you been giving that nice Potter boy a hard time?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I have," Lily gasped between bursts of laughter, running over to the sleigh. "But I can say truly that that's all over now," she smiled slyly, then reached up and kissed Father Christmas lightly on the lips. She was smiling - and Santa looked shocked - when the stag pulling the sleigh starting pounding his legs.

"James, you madman, where did you get a reindeer?" Lily asked excitedly, going over to the stag and starting to pet him.

"I'm afraid that you're mistaken, little lady," Father Christmas bellowed. "I am not James Potter." Then in a voice that sounded distinctly like Sirius, "You've got your hand on his rump, actually."

"What?" Lily cried in surprise, jumping back. Then, instead of a reindeer harnessed to the sleigh, James Potter was entangled in the harness, on his hands and knees laughing harder than he had in almost a year. "You - you're - " Lily cried in surprise. Then she threw up her hands, deciding that she didn't even care anymore. She knelt down next to him, laughing as well.

She finally took his face and forced his dancing eyes up to meet hers. She was beaming, "I know that it'll work out, James," she told him seriously. "I won't let it not. Whatever it takes, I know that from now on, it'll always be you and me."

Sirius laughingly watched them stare into each other's eyes for a moment before the sleigh started to tilt backwards. It was hanging off the roof when a hasty charm by Lily kept it from toppling to the ground. Sirius was yelling like mad, his Father Christmas beard falling down to the snow bellow. James and Lily, now that there was no danger, were laughing harder than ever.

"I suppose we should get him back up here," James eventually said, wiping away a tear of mirth.

"Not just yet," Lily smirked, breaking her lifelong vow and kissing James Potter.

Even Sirius screaming bloody hell in his Father Christmas appearance couldn't disturb them for the several minutes that Lily Evans and James Potter finally found their way to each other. After they parted, Lily immediately started laughing. "What?" James asked, slightly apprehensively.

Lily smiled, "I was just thinking that I'd have to tell Marissa that she was right yet again, but then I realized...we've finally found something that she was wrong about." Lily was definitely grinning now as she sat atop a snow-covered roof entangled in a horse-harness with James Potter with Sirius Black dangling off the side of the roof in a red sleigh dressed as Father Christmas. "She always said that real, true love was a chance that you only got once. Well, we get a second chance, and if we lose it, I'll always be up for a third try. If there's one thing that I've learned from Marissa Fletcher, it's that the only chance that you get only once is the chance to live."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU TWO UP THERE PLAYING GAMES WITH MY ONE CHANCE TO LIVE?!" Sirius hollered back up at them.

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©KatyMulvaney8-12-2005