The Truth About Mrs. Norris

The Truth About Mrs. Norris

"We are geniuses," Sirius declared as he stared in awe at the labeled dots on the Marauder's map.

"Gentlemen, we must cherish this moment always," said James with his eyes closed and his hand over his heart. Peter snorted into his butterbeer and spilled some of his beverage on his robes.

"Hey, why is Mrs. Norris here?" asked Remus pointing to the dot labeled 'Mrs. Norris. "I thought only people showed up on the map."

"I think you've had too much butterbeer Moony," said James. "You must be reading it wrong-Blimey! She is on the map!"

"What?" asked Sirius. "That's impossible! I mean, she's a cat."

"I wonder what's going on here?" said Peter. "She and Filch are moving together rather quickly."

"I think you've got a point there Wormtail," said Remus. "It doesn't exactly look like he's carrying her. And besides, shouldn't they be lurking in the halls or something this time of night?"

"They should," said Sirius. "I think we ought to investigate this matter."

"Why would we want do that Padfoot?" asked James.

"Listen Prongs," said Sirius. "Something very fishy is going on here. It is our duty to find out what it is. As the next Head Boy it is your duty to know about anything that may threaten the well-being of the students here." James, Remus, and Peter snorted at Sirius' rather dramatic speech.

"Why don't you just admit that you're curious?" asked Remus.

"Alright, fine," said Sirius throwing up his hands in surrender. "I'm curious. Are you guys coming with me?"

"If Mr. Padfoot is interested in investigating something it must be worth while. Count me in," said James. "We can sneak out under the invisibility cloak." With that said, James stood up, strutted across the room importantly to his trunk, and pulled out his invisibility cloak.

"I never miss a chance to sneak out under the cloak," said Remus with a grin. "Count me in too!"

"I wouldn't miss this adventure for the world," said Peter. With that, James threw his invisibility cloak over his three friends and they tiptoed out of their dormitory, down the stairs to the common room, and out through the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"So far the coast is clear," whispered Sirius as he looked down at the map. "Peeves is up on the seventh floor and-Dammit!-Snape's on duty right now. Hey anybody bring any stink pellets"

"Focus Padfoot," said Remus. "Remember why we're here. We mustn't get distracted."

"Thank you for keeping me on track Moony, you're a true friend." James and Peter had to stuff their fists in their mouths to stifle fits of laughter.

"Okay, we're here," said James.

"What's that noise?" asked Peter with his brow furrowed.

"Dunno," said Sirius. "It's a little muffled but it kind of sounds like someone's in pain."

"It sounds more like pleasure to me," said James. "That's what Lily sounds like when-" James suddenly turned a bright shade of scarlet.

"When what?" asked Remus with his eyebrows raised and his eyes twinkling.

"Nothing," said James. "Lily never sounds like that!"

"Let's have a peak at the source of those noises, shall we?" said Sirius. "Filch and Mrs. Norris are in the back room right now. We can open the door without being noticed. "Alohomora!" Sirius whispered sticking his wand out from under the invisibility cloak. The lock came undone and Sirius pushed the door open. The four friends crept across Filch's office to the source of the moaning. Unfortunately for our young quartet, the moaning did not become distinct enough until Filch and Mrs. Norris came into their field of view.

"Oh! My sweet!"

"Oh, Argus! Harder! Harder! Haaaarder!!!!"

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"I hope they're alright," said Lily as she and Annie made their way up to the Gryffindor common room. "Nitwit!" she said to the Fat Lady and the portrait swung open.

"Yeah, it's not like them to miss breakfast," said Annie as they started up the stairs to the sixth year boy's dormitory to check on their friends. "Maybe they nicked too much food from the kitchens last night or something."

"Is that possible?" asked Lily and she and Annie started to giggle. Annie knocked the secret knock. No answer. She knocked harder. Sirius finally answered looking like a zombie. His eyes were glazed over and his mouth hung limply open. He catatonically stepped aside to allow Lily and Annie to enter.

"What's wrong with you guys?" asked Annie. All four boys continued to remain catatonically in their positions.

"C'mon, snap out of it," said Lily. "You're really scaring us." Still no movement from the quartet. Annie walked over to Remus, seized his shoulder and shook it roughly.

"Remus, talk to me please," she begged. She and Lily exchanged a terrified look. Lily walked over to James and slapped her hand back and forth across his face several times.

"Dammit James, this isn't funny!" James finally blinked and looked at Lily.

"It was horrible, just horrible," James said in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

"What was horrible?" asked Lily.

"No human should ever have to witness such a sight," said James.

"What are you talking about?" asked Lily slightly alarmed. "What did you see?"

"I am an idiot," said Sirius slightly snapping out of his trance. "You guys must never listen to one of my ideas again. The consequences are just too great a price to pay."

"What are you talking about?" asked Annie growing irritated.

"Sirius is an idiot. Never listen to Sirius," said Peter in a dead sort of voice never losing the vacant stare.

"C'mon you guys, what the hell happened?" asked Lily stomping her foot.

"Mrs. Norris," said Remus finally speaking. "Mrs. Norris is no cat."

"Well, we know she's not a normal cat," said Annie. "But what's that got to do with anything?"

"No, no, you don't understand," said Remus looking at Annie very seriously. "Mrs. Norris is a witch. She's human. She's an animagus."

"WHAT?!" Lily and Annie exclaimed in unison.

"She can't be human," said Sirius still staring blankly at nothing. "No human would ever shag Filch."

"You mean you saw them having sex?" asked Annie. All four boys nodded mechanically. Lily and Annie started to giggle.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" said Lily. "You guys are almost seventeen. You'd think you'd be mature enough to handle seeing a little sex!"

"But it was Filch!" Sirius protested. "He's...he's...Filch!"

"He may not be the most attractive man on the planet," said Annie. "But that doesn't mean he's without needs and desires."

"How can you take this so lightly?" asked Sirius. "We saw Filch shagging Mrs. Norris. We'll probably be scarred for life after this!"

"Boys!" said Lily. "Honestly, the things you guys get uptight about! No wonder muggle women are so into this liberation movement nowadays. C'mon, Annie, let's go find some more mature people to keep us company!" Annie nodded in agreement. She was still giggling. She looked thoughtfully at Remus for a moment then grabbed his face and gave him a nice, deep kiss on his lips. When she pulled away Remus was still quite catatonic. There was not even the slightest hint of a blush. She looked at Lily and shrugged. Lily looked thoughtful for a moment then grabbed James' face and gave him a kiss of her own. As she pulled away, she saw that the kiss had no more effect on James than Annie's kiss had had on Remus. Lily and Annie rolled their eyes at each other and left the room slamming the door.

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22 Years Later...

(For the purpose of this story, Harry has gotten the Marauders' Map back)

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," said Harry tapping the map with his wand. The writing of the Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs instantly appeared across the top of the page as the lines magically formed the shapes of the Hogwarts grounds. "See, Ron, no Voldemort," said Harry pointing to the map.

"Don't say his name," said Ron through gritted teeth. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Look, everyone's in their normal places; Snape's in his office probably wondering when the last time he washed his hair was, Madam Pomfrey's in the hospital wing, and Filch is in his office with Mrs. Norris."

"Mrs. Norris?" asked Ron. "I thought that animals didn't show up on the map." Harry furrowed his eyebrows. He looked at the Gryffindor common room on the map. There were two dots labeled Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Crookshanks was sleeping on the chair next to them and Hedwig was perched on the same chair, yet neither of them showed up on the map.

Just then, Fred and George entered through the portrait with their friend Lee Jordan. "What's wrong with you two?" asked Fred.

"Yeah, you look as though you swallowed too many Fizzing Wizbees," said George.

"We've just seen something very suspicious on the map," said Ron.

"Blimey!" said Lee. "What's Filch doing to his cat?"

"They seem to be moving back and forth rather fast," said George.

"Abnormally fast," said Fred.

"Looks like he's hurting her," said Harry. "Should we tell someone?"

"No way," said Ron. "If he's hurting her, he's doing us all a favor. Besides, maybe she's hurting him."

"So Mrs. Norris is finally wising up!" said Fred.

"I always knew that cat wasn't completely evil," said George.

"I've got to find out what's going on here," said Harry snatching up the map and standing up.

"Oh no you don't," said Ron.

"What?" said Harry.

"Have you ever noticed that every time you go to investigate something you come within seconds of death?" said Ron.

"That's not entirely true," said Harry defensively. "Besides, this has nothing to do with Voldemort."

"Fine," said Ron after flinching. "But I'm coming with you."

"Fine," said Harry. "I have to go get my invisibility cloak."

"You guys are nutters if you think we'll let you go without us," said Fred.

"We are curious about Mrs. Norris too," said George.

"Alright," said Harry. "Just don't blow our cover."

"Who, us?" said Fred.

"What ever would make you think we'd be stupid enough to blow the cover right inside of Filch's office?" asked George. Lee rolled his eyes. Harry raised his eyebrows and waved the map.

"Oh that," said Fred.

"We told you, we were young and innocent when that happened," said George. Harry snorted and ran to his dormitory to get his invisibility cloak.

Due to the fact that it was not yet after hours Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Lee were able to walk down the halls to Filch's office without being under the cloak. When they reached his door Harry took out the map again.

"Filch and Mrs. Norris are back in the other room," he announced. "We can sneak in right now." With that said, Harry threw his invisibility cloak over himself and his four companions. He then pointed his wand at the lock and whispered "Alohomora!" It sprang open. The five Gryffindors quietly tiptoed inside, but stopped dead when they heard strange noises coming from the back room. There was a woman moaning with either pleasure or pain and Filch yelling: "Oh my sweet. Yes! YES!"

Woe to the five Gryffindor boys. If only their curiosity had ceased but seconds earlier. Ron opened his mouth as though he was about to yell but Harry quickly covered Ron's mouth with his hand. Fred, George, and Lee ducked out from under the cloak and dashed out of the office. Harry and Ron followed suit. The boys ran in horror down the hall and ducked inside of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to catch their breath. Harry saw that his invisibility cloak was still draped over his arm and that he was still clutching the Marauders' map and sighed with relief.

Remus and Sirius who had been discussing some student essays stood up quickly as the five boys entered the classroom. "What's wrong?" asked Sirius. "Has something happened?"

"Urgh!" exclaimed Lee. "That was just yech! Oh man! VOMIT!"

"Why did I have to know?" Harry asked himself more than the others. "Why? I was fine not knowing."

"THAT WAS DISCUSTING!" cried Ron.

"She was so crusty!" said Fred.

"I thought she was going to crumble," said George. They all began to dance where they stood, making jerky movements as thought trying to shake off horrible parasites. Harry could feel a gagging sensation in his throat.

Suddenly Remus' eyes widened as understanding dawned upon him. A huge grin spread across his face. "So you guys found out about Mrs. Norris, did you?" The five boys all suddenly stopped moving and stared open mouthed at Remus. Sirius suddenly fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"You knew?" asked Harry.

"Well, yes," said Remus. "Shortly after we finished writing the map we saw Mrs. Norris and thought that it might be malfunctioning. We, like you, decided to investigate. Later we found out that there was a Mr. Norris. Filch and Mrs. Norris were lovers. The only way she could escape her husband was to become an Animagus. Filch just told Mr. Norris that he had named his cat after her." Sirius stood up and wiped a tear from his eye.

"This is truly a defining moment," said Sirius. "Today you have become men."

"You knew and you never told me," said Harry pointing at his godfather and shaking uncontrollably.

"Well, that's not the kind of thing you just blurt out," said Sirius.

"You had it within your power to spare me this horrid experience. I will probably have nightmares about this for the rest of my life. I will never forgive you for this, Sirius, never!" Sirius collapsed to the floor with laughter again.

"You'll never forgive Sirius for what?" asked Annie as she entered the room followed by Hermione, Ginny, Angelina, Katie, and her niece Alicia.

"Oh, they just saw Filch with Mrs. Norris," said Remus.

"It was horrible!" said Lee.

"People like that shouldn't be allowed to have sex!" declared Ron. Hermione made and impatient noise.

"Boys!" she said.

"What do you mean 'Boys'?" asked Ron indignantly.

"You're so uptight about sex! I mean you're almost sixteen. I can't believe my boyfriend has such a narrow view on such a beautiful thing. What am I supposed to do?" Angelina, Alicia, and Katie all said "Hmmmm." in agreement with Hermione. Ginny shook her head at Harry.

"Hermione!" said Ron. He paused briefly as his ears went pink. "Besides, what we saw definitely was not beautiful!" Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Hey, maybe Draco Malfoy would think it was beautiful," said Harry thoughtfully.

"I believe he would," said Lee.

"We should tell him about it right now," said Fred.

"Absolutely!" said George. With that, the five boys all took their poor, unsuspecting girlfriends into their arms: Harry took Ginny, Ron took Hermione, Fred took Angelina, George took Alicia, and Lee took Katie; and gave then long, deep kisses as though they were knights about to embark on some great quest; and marched out of the room.

"Why didn't we think of telling Snape or Avery about Mrs. Norris?" Sirius asked Remus. Remus shrugged.

"Are all boys complete morons when it comes to sex, Aunt Annie?" Alicia asked.

"Hey, look on the bright side," said Annie. "At least they weren't catatonic like some boys I used to know." Annie indicated Remus and Sirius who both turned the color of Gryffindor's Quidditch robes.