The Not So Secret Assignments

"You cannot be serious. Are the situations real?"

"Not quite, just made up," Dumbledore said. In an instant, Harry was whooshed off to the Riddle house. He was wearing a gruesome Death Eater mask, and Voldemort was sitting by the fire, in the big armchair, with Nagini at his side. His menacing red eyes looked at Harry rather business like, not full of hatred and jealousy. He seemed happy.

"Well, Potter. Seeing as you have done me quite well over the past few years, I would like you to organize the most prestigious of this year's events - the D.E.A.T.H. Meeting." Voldemort seemed pleased at the sound of it.

"Um... D.E.A.T.H.?"

"Precisely. It is unfamiliar, being that you are so young. It stands for Death Eater Assembly Tea Party."

"But...Voldem...I mean, Master, Party does not start with H." After Harry pointed this out, Voldemort slithered over to him and towered over him. Ah, there is that familiar look of utter despair that I still live, Harry thought. Then he remembered that if he died, he failed.

"Why...excuse me...I simply assumed you had not yet worked your brilliant magic on the alphabet to make P H and H P. Very sorry dude...I mean My Lord!" Harry was sweating so much he felt greasier than Snape. At least it worked.

"Hmmm...indeed, Potter. Well, there is one thing you must do for me first, however, to earn my full respect and trust," Voldemort drawled.

Harry gulped.

........................

"You have got to be bloody insane." Malfoy had a very grim look on his face and looked ready to kill someone. He was sitting in a Muggle kitchen with a really weird family. He was going crazy in his head.

Aahh...white linoleum...pink flowers...screaming babies...cute kitty cats...no magic...a swimming pool and...NOOOOOOOO! THE TOILET WATER'S BLUE FOR GOD'S SAKE! I want to just kill all the mother fu...

"Hi there visitor. My name is Fannie, but you can just call me Fee, like my kids do," the mother said in a Canadian accent, and grinned, revealing perfect white teeth and too much lipstick.

"Hi, there visitor, my name's Francis, but you can just call me Fran, like my kids do," the father said in a Canadian accent, and grinned, revealing perfect white teeth and too much lipstick.

"Hi there, my name's Billy. Let's play fireman!" a little boy said.

"Hey, no no no, play with me first! Let's play dollies! I'm Sally!" She tugged on Malfoy's arm and pulled him into a pretty pink room full of dollies and bunnies and houses and dress up toys.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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"Good day class. I am Professor McGonagall, and this is the start of remedial Transfiguration. Why don't we have Miss Granger start us off? Please attempt to change this toothpick into a needle...and if it's too difficult, just try not to burn anything." The whole class laughed at Hermione. She knew the spell but then, it was gone! She didn't know any of the spells! She knew how to cast, but she needed the incantation!

"Er...what's the incantation again?"

"Metallicus."

"Oh, right. Ahem. METALLICUS!" she yelled, and she managed it only just! It had gone metal, but it was still a wooden color.

"Oops, er...that wasn't right! Let me try again!"

"You did it! YOU DID A GOOD JOB! Try to get it silver this time though, but don't try too hard! I mean, left back seven times..."

SEVEN TIMES? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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"This is bloody wicked! I can walk vertically!" Ron was thoroughly enjoying being a little fiery red spider, even though he didn't speak English anymore. Finally, he reached the webbed dome that Aragog lived in.

"Now my children, it is time. We will destroy it from the inside out, and every remain will be yours for the keeping!" clicking of pincers followed. Meanwhile, Ron was scouting the crowd. He was the only red spider, and all these spiders made him uncomfortable. He decided to climb up a tree and watch, only to find that the tree was occupied. He tried everywhere with no luck. Finally, he got a spot right in the front, under Aragog.

"Stand back my children, I have to clackitt."

"What's that?" Ron clicked, but it was too late. A whirling torrential wave of spider urine was rushing towards him.

Well, this sucks, he thought.

...................................

"Do one thing for me, Harry, and you will be my right hand man.

"What?" Harry was so nervous, but nothing could have prepared him for this.

"Kill the Order of the Phoenix. Every single member that lives. If you do not, you will have the honor to die by my wand. It connects only with you. Do not disappoint me, you are like the son I never had, Harry. I killed your parents on your request, and you have slain Albus Dumbledore. Do just this, or die, Harry. DO OR DIE." Voldemort vanished with a whip of his cloak leaving Harry in utter...you guessed it...angst.