The Not So Secret Assignments

Harry, still stuck at Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, England, Europe, Planet Earth, Universe Number One, was really in angst. He had not received a letter that summer, and his teenage angstiness made him really uncomfortable. That summer, the 17 year old Dudley had tormented Harry worse than ever. He could still taste the toilet.

Amidst all his angst, he failed to notice an owl tapping at his window. It tapped and tapped, until finally saying...

"HEY YOU! OPEN THE GODDAMN WINDOW!"

"I can't, my angstiness is blocking all noise," Harry said in a tone of angst.

"I have a letter though, and..." the owl started.

"A letter! Oh joy, no more angst!" Harry leapt off his squeaky bed and opened the squeaky window. He snatched the letter and the owl flew off. The letter dictated...

Dear (insert name of Hogwarts seventh year here),

You and all your classmates are receiving a letter right now telling you to be at Hogwarts School by July 31. Those not arriving will repeat the year. You, (insert name of Hogwarts seventh year here), are coming to accept your secret assignment of (insert secret assignment here). There is danger awaiting you, and you may very well (insert name of tragedy here). Too bad.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

From the Afterlife

"Well, cool. I guess I should pack up my angst and go," Harry said, and gathered all his underwear not spoiled by the toilet incident. He didn't even think that (insert toilet tragedy here) was possible!

"Where do you think you're going Potty head?" Dudley stood at the doorway, grinning menacingly.

"You have cake in your teeth, Dudders," Harry pointed out.

"I know that, but bad teeth are cool. You know my mummy and daddy won't let you leave, especially after the toilet got you."

"But that was you doing that to the toilet!"

"I know that. Messing with toilets is cool. But you can't leave."

"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry cried, and Dudley fell to the floor. His eyes rolled around like Mad Eye Moody's and he didn't get to say "I know, (insert disgusting action here) is cool. Harry lugged his trunk out of the room and down the stairs. He got to the door and yelled "Bye guys!"

"See you Harry. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" The Dursleys snapped out of their angsty daze and bolted after Harry. Luckily, being an angsty and fast seeker, he shut the door as they reached it. The Dursleys heard Dudley yell "Slamming doors is cool!"

Harry got to platform 9 ¾, only to find that there was no Hogwarts express. Then luckily, he found that you could walk through the 9 ¾ wall too. With an extreme amount of angst, he walked through. He found himself at Platform Whipped Cream and Fish Tacos. There was a big burrito waiting, and all the Hogwarts students were climbing aboard while Harry stood, in all his angstiness, wondering how to get up. Then he noticed a little Chime Changa levitating people onto the burrito. He dashed over and got Levitated right next to Ron, who was obviously enjoying eating the marvelous burrito.

"Hey Harry! Have you checked out this thing! It's delicious! I saw the Patil twins trying to eat the little Chime down there, and Crabbe got some major gas off these beans!" Ron choked with a full mouth.

Another letter dropped into Harry's lap, from a little bat. It said "Harry." He opened it, to find a letter from Lupin.

Harry,

I hope you have been enjoying your summer. I have been remodeling Grimmauld Place, and it looks perfect. Tonks will love it as much as I love her. Kreacher is pretty mad at us for burning his filthy den, until we told him we kept his Bellatrix picture. We caught him near his den making out with it, and he threw Arthur's waffle iron at us. I have a bad square burn on my face, but it doesn't matter.

Remus

P.S. - Tonks is expecting. I'm having a lovely little day of sunshine, bunnies, and flowers.

Ron read the letter with angst. He hated little babies. Just then, the burrito started moving. Everyone waved to the little Chime, and they set off for Hogwarts. Hermione showed up just then.

"Hi boys. I just thought you might want to know that Voldemort sent me a letter saying that you will die within the hour. Sorry. Anyway, gotta go, Draco's waiting!" She ran back down the burrito, just missing the snack lady with a trolley covered in huevos rancheros.

"Hey, how'd we get here so fast?" someone cried. They were already at Hogwarts.

"Probably all the gassy students. Anyway, let's get off." Harry jumped off the train and nearly died. Ron followed and made Harry die.

"Somebody do Magic CPR on this bozo!!!" a girl cried. Luckily, another little Chime ran up to him and gave him the gas of life. Harry awoke in the Great Hall an hour later as they were receiving their assignments. Just then, the Dursleys came through the doors.

"Harry Potter, what the bloody crap are you doing? IT'S JULY!" they cried out.

"Hey, Chimes! Burrito them up please!" someone cried.

The Dursleys were transported back to London in massive burritos. Then, a ghost of Dumbledore popped up. After greeting all the professors and kicking Snape's ass for killing him, he stood in the center to present the assignments with a speech.