Hat Abuse-The Sorting Hat Comes Clean

Hi, I'm Phinneus, better known to you as the Sorting Hat. I was told to only sing my song at the beginning of every Hogwarts school year, but as you can very well imagine, this becomes monotonous and tedious. I spend a whole damn year writing a song about a boarding school's history just to sing it once for a bunch of stupid teenagers? This is hat abuse I tell you, HAT ABUSE! So I have decided to sing for you a little song about me; how I got to where I was, how I came into the world, those close to me, and my experience over the years. So without further ado, I present to you the first song that I have sung that does not make me want to fly out a window.

Hello, my name is Phinneus

And not just on my terms,

This name was given to me

By a man named Alfred Wermz.

Now, Alfred was a silly guy

With a mental disability

In fact he was so out of it

He even gave my name to me.

He made me out of excess stuff,

And threads of many creatures.

You'll notice I have many patches

Many colors, many features.

I lived a very simple life

Atop this old man's head.

Until the day he passed away

Just sleeping in his bed.

I found some inner strength in me

And went out in the cold

I rolled flipped a million miles

That's a long way, I've been told.

I blew all the way out to England's edge,

And stopped to have a rest.

Then I saw a surly man

Levitating an ornate chest.

I followed him with the wind's help

It really was a hassle.

After a fair bit of time had passed

In the distance was a castle.

Not a castle fully built,

But a castle in the making.

Off to the side a lovely lake

Was rippling, no mistaking.

A forest lay off to the other

Looking quite frightening.

The contrast of the scene to sky

Was like a dome of lightning.

The man and I reached the castle's doors

And we were greeted kindly.

By two women, one plump, one spry

And a little man, though blindly.

The man next to me,

(Godric Gryffindor),

Picked me up,

And then he swore

That somehow

He would find a way

To select the students

On some close day.

Students, you say?

I say to you,

What for, and where

Are they going to?

I sat above that young man's head

For many a year, and more and more

I wondered about

This "Gryffindor".

He kept his cool as Slytherin fled,

He was calm as calm could be

He kept his heart strong in bloodshed

And what did this mean for me?

One day he became very old,

And thought about recruiting more kids.

I wanted to cry or comfort him

As tears welled under his lids.

Finally he had a thought,

And pulled me off his head.

He poked his wooden wand at me

And spoke the words "Determinus Fendead!"

I couldn't believe it!

I could speak, I could sing!

But I didn't know what these changes would bring.

Over the years, I think I have

Sorted more than post owls can.

I believe I've told more what to do

Than that little dweeb Curt Fetternan

(Quick interruption: Fetternan was one of my least favorite students. He was prefect and head boy and the ministry's little angel. Second on my list of similar students is Percival Weasley.)

I've been the one, the only

Sorting Hat,

And you, my readers,

I will leave at that.

Use your own new powers wisely.