Diversity Training

Severus Snape scowled and sank lower in his chair hoping desperately that the floor under the teacher's lounger would mercifully open up and swallow him whole. Of all the twinkling eyed, lemon flavored, hair brained ideas that Albus Dumbledore had ever had, this one was by far the most loathsome in his recollection.

The aforementioned head master was currently instructing the rest of the staff on their next project, which involved writing down the names of each colleague and three positive things about them. His blue eyes glimmered with glee as he himself gave examples of this, using words such as caring and kind to describe Professor Sprout and sprightly and happy-go-lucky to describe Professor Flitwick.

"More like little and frightening," Snape muttered under his breath, gripping the chair arm so tightly that his fingernails dug into the ridiculous gilded cherubs carved into the wood.

"What was that, Severus?" said Dumbledore. "Did you have a question about the exercise?"

Snape cleared his throat and said in a flat, emotionless voice. "I said I need a quill to write with."

Dumbledore passed a spare quill down the table as his fellow paragons of education bent industriously over their parchments. For a few moments all Snape could hear was Hagrid making a low tut-tut sound, from across the table, and Sinistra's throaty chuckle. He stared blankly at his own parchment. How in the nine hells was he supposed to compile a list of positive attributes about people he irrefutably loathed?

It was unfortunate enough that earlier in the day he'd had to play a "trust game" with the others. Naturally he'd been assigned to a group with Flitwick, Trelawney, and that oaf Hagrid. It was a pity, really. Just as Hagrid had fallen backwards off the rather oversized chair they'd transfigured specifically for the occasion, Snape had gotten something in his eye and been momentarily distracted. He really didn't understand why every one was so upset. It wasn't as if Flitwick hadn't been resuscitated. And Sybill had awoken from her concussion rejuvenated and muttering some inanity about a vision from the beyond. After all, considering such joyful tidings had resulted, the exercise hadn't been a complete and total loss.

Snape smirked, and his eye fell upon the bandage still wrapped about Trelawney's head. It gave her a rather jaunty look and had the added benefit of hiding her unfortunately hideous hair. It really always astonished him that she and Granger weren't more closely related. The thought gave him an idea, and he turned to his parchment and took up his quill. Around him he could see his colleagues already setting down their quills, and he wondered again exactly what he'd done to be saddled with such a group of optimistic imbeciles.

Things I Find Endearing About My Colleagues.

Even the title of the list made him shudder, but he pressed on, dipping his quill into the ink and beginning to write.

Flitwick - Small enough I can see over him when some tragedy happens in the castle and everyone groups around the victim to gawk. Always decorates the castle for holidays so I am spared such inanity. His dubious charms increase my chances of getting laid if we ever get an attractive, young, female Professor in these hallowed halls.

McGonagall - Has managed to take over the duty of keeping the Quidditch cup each year so I don't have to bother polishing it (how kind). Is a good foot rest in her feline form. Eats all the Haggis when the house elves prepare it so the rest of us don't have to.

Sprout - Keeps those rowdy, mischievous Hufflepuffs in line and spares the rest of us their insipid chatter, Grew the Mandrakes just in time to revive the ... mixed blood students - how fortunate - I personally couldn't have gone another day without Miss Granger asking questions. Displays her knickers on the clothesline outside the greenhouse - which I'm sure has done a great deal to keep intimate relations amongst the students to a minimum.

Hagrid - Stays sober - most of the time. Blocks out the sun quite nicely at the Quidditch matches - now if he only didn't take up an entire row of seats. Keeps the students jaws locked or broken with his fudge and treats so they can't bother me with questions.

The list went on, and when it was finished to his satisfaction, he sent it up front with the others. Dumbledore smiled and gently placed his fingertips together. "Well done, all of you. I will compile the lists and return them to you before you leave." He waved his wand and the papers began shuffling together on the podium before him.

"Now, before we go, we have one final exercise. I do hope you enjoyed these sessions, and I have no doubt they have taught us to appreciate the unique differences that make all of us at Hogwarts a family." He combed his fingers through his beard and nodded at them sagely. "To finish, I would like each one of you to give one of your colleagues a warm hug. It isn't often we can let our hair down and do so, so let's take the opportunity now."

The headmaster leaned down and hugged Trelawney, accidentally knocking off her bandage in the process. He ignored the hair that sprang up into his mouth, as well as the divination instructor's eyes going wide as she mumbled something about his Crystal Balls.

"Now, wasn't that lovely?" He looked up and removed a strand of hair from between his teeth. "Severus, Phyllida, why don't you go next."

Snape froze in his chair as the eyes of the gathering fell upon him. This was uncalled for. He knew the headmaster was touched in the head, but even he had never suspected him of possessing a streak of such deliberate cruelty. Sprout bounced form her chair and held out her arms.

"Come on, Severus, you old bat. I know you've been eyeing my unmentionables for some time, now come on and give me a hug."

Snape stood and moved stiffly towards the front of the room. He reached out his hands and patted Sprout awkwardly on the shoulders, a small grimace of pain crossing his features. Just when he was about to back away, Sprout threw herself at him. He stumbled backwards, his arms coming up around her back, and he swallowed an overwhelming sense of nausea. He was hugging a Hufflepuff. A whiff of fertilizer wafted up from her smock, and as he peered over her head in panic, he saw she'd transferred some sort of potting soil to his hands. He wiped them casually on the back of her head while pretending to embrace her.

When she finally let him go, he stepped back and was barely able to restrain himself from taking a deep and cleansing breath.

"Wasn't that lovely?" he heard Dumbledore say. Snape turned to the Headmaster to make a crushing remark. Unfortunately, he had already moved away in an effort to separate an exuberantly chortling Hagrid from Flitwick - who was squealing in a way that sounded less enthusiastic and more painful.

He turned and started to leave as quietly as possible, but was stopped in the doorway by McGonagall. Her stern lips twitched as she looked at him, and she poked him in the chest with a piece of parchment.

"Don't forget your list, Severus."

Snape glared and snatched the parchment from her hand, then swept out into the hall. His eyes scanned the paper for a moment before he crumpled it and banished it to the nearest corner with a muttered oath.

That night, Filch was sweeping up the halls, and cursed to himself when he came upon the litter. "Dirty little bastards, throwing parchment in my hallways. No respect. No respect at all. If I could only bring out the chains again, ah, those were the days."

He picked up the paper and started to read, and suddenly a wide grin crossed his features. With a devious little laugh, he smoothed it out and posted it on the notice board in the great hall for all the students to see in the morning.

Severus Snape: Looks good in black. Doesn't talk to us. Doesn't use shampoo, so there's more for the rest of us. Looks good in black. Doesn't talk to us. Doesn't use shampoo, so there's more for the rest of us. Looks good in black. Doesn't talk to us. Doesn't use shampoo, so there's more for the rest of us. Looks good in black. Doesn't talk to us. Doesn't use shampoo, so there's more for the rest of us .......