Paperback Writer

Paperback writer
Dear sir or madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear,
And I need a job, so I want to be a
Paperback writer, paperback writer!
It's a dirty story of a dirty man,
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
His son is working for the daily mail,
It's a steady job, but he wants to be a
Paperback writer, paperback writer!
Paperback writer...
It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
I can change it 'round and I want to be a
Paperback writer, paperback writer!
If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it you can send it here,
But I need a break and I want to be a
Paperback writer, paperback writer!

It was during Christmas vacation, and most of the students at Hogwarts were gone. Harry, sitting in the relatively empty Gryffindor common room, had been reading a book--'Barry Kotter and the Cup o' Flames' (the fourth installment in a seven part series) -- when Ron interrupted him.

"Harry, what's so great about those books?" he asked as he shook his head with shame. "All the others look at you like you're some--some weirdo when you go by reading those books. And worse than that, they look at me like I'm some weirdo because I'm hanging out with you."

Harry looked up from his book with an apathetic expression.

"Then don't stick around me."

Ron looked amazed at what his best friend had just said. He sat in his chair for a moment with his mouth open with shock then said, "So a book is more important than our friendship?"

"Look Ron, I love these books. But when I finish this one--and I'm almost done--I promise that I won't read them anymore this year."

Ron settled down a bit.

"Okay, fine."

The two sat in silence as Harry finished up the book. After he had finished reading the final page, he closed the book and looked into space, thinking about how wonderful it would be to be transported to Barry Kotter's world. Then he noticed Ron staring at him with a disgusted look.

"Hey, I like these books!" Harry snapped at Ron.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Well, I've just been inspired to do something," Harry said as got up and went up the stairs to the boy's dorm.

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"I'm going to write a book," Harry replied as he carried an old typewriter and a stack of paper down the steps.

"Hey, I've seen one of those things before! It's a write-typer!"

"No," corrected Harry, "it's a typewriter."

"Why'd you bring it to school?"

"It's kind of weird. At the Dursley's I had a dream where a guy on a flaming typewriter came to me and said, "Take this, lest you will need it." Then he disappeared and I woke up."

Ron thought for a moment and said, "What does 'lest' mean?"

"I think it means 'for fear of'."

"So this guy was worried that you'd need it? So where did you get it?"

"Dudley had an old one, so I took it. He used it like twice and never touched it again. He won't miss it. I hope." Harry took a piece of paper and threaded it into the typewriter.

"So what are you going to do?" Ron inquired.

"I'm going to write a book. I'm a paperback writer now!" And he began to type away.

Harry continued to write his book well beyond Christmas vacation, and it was cutting into his schoolwork. He had become obsessed with his writing, and he couldn't think of anything but his book. After a day of classes, he would sit down in the common room and type for hours, then rush to get his homework done at two in the morning. Lack of sleep and the excitement of trying to finish his book started to take their toll.

"Harry, there's a sign up sheet for the next Hogsmeade trip! Wanna come?" Hermione asked as Harry typed furiously.

"Wha--? Oh, no thanks, Hermione. I'm almost done this book."

"The trip's next weekend!"

"Yeah, but I've got to be ready to start typing a sequel if the publishers like this one."

"The publishers?" Hermione nearly shouted.

"Yeah. Hey, read this letter." Harry handed Hermione a letter to the publishers. "I'm gonna send it to the publishers with the book. Tell me if you think it's okay."

Hermione read it and furrowed her brow.

"You can't send this in! It's full of lies!" she said.

"Yeah, well..."

"You say it took you 'years to write'; you've barely been working on it a month! Then you say you 'need a job' like you're an adult! Then, on top of that, you say it's 'based on a novel by a man named Lear'. I'm pretty sure that's plagiarism. I'm sorry Harry, but I cannot let you send this in." She handed him back the letter.

"First of all, it is loosely based on that novel. Second, it doesn't matter how good the book is: they just won't accept it if they know it's from a 15-year-old."

"Harry, that's the point! You're only 15, and you don't need to get this book published. You've got to worry about school and all that."

"Yeah, sure..." Harry mumbled.

"Let me read some of it," Hermione said. Harry handed her a page.

"Jeez, Harry, you didn't spare the dirty language in this... I can't believe you put that in there... You made this guy's wife seem like some idiot... Does Ron know that you made him one of the characters in this? Oh my gosh, I didn't know that you knew such things...." She went on like that for a few minutes, then put the paper down. "Harry, you need to stop this, and now!"

Harry jumped slightly at Hermione's shout.

"You're just jealous that I'm better than you at something," Harry said as he looked up the word 'superfluous' in the dictionary.

"Harry, I'm serious. Your grades are lower than they've ever been, you never get all of your homework done, you're eyes are always bloodshot and you've got rings under your eyes from lack of sleep, and--if I'm seeing correctly--you started to get a five o'clock shadow."

Harry felt his jaw.

"This is great!" he said with a smile as he felt the stubble. "I guess I can start shaving now. I just have to get a razor... Maybe Fred and George shave... I'll have to ask Ron... Hey, girls shave their legs, don't they? Maybe I could borrow a razor from you."

Hermione looked a little dumbfounded at what Harry had just said. She stood up and marched up the stairs to the girl's dorm.

"Hey, I just figured..." Harry shouted after her. "Oh well." He got back to his writing.

In April, Harry had finally gotten a response from the publishers. They said that they loved they book and they would publish it. Harry was ebullient about this, and went to tell Ron and Hermione.

"Hey guys, guess what!" he said after he read his letter at breakfast. "They're gonna publish it!"

Ron and Hermione both looked less than ecstatic.

"Aren't you happy for me?" Harry asked after the other two didn't answer.

"Oh, yeah..." Ron muttered.

"We're happy..." Hermione said.

"They want me to write a sequel to it," Harry told them as he read the letter another time.

"Harry, you're really being selfish with your books," said Hermione.

"No, I'm not. You're just jealous that--"

Hermione suddenly stood up and left the Great Hall with tears in her eyes.

"What's up with her?" Harry growled as he ate some of his bacon.

"She's right," Ron said. "You're really being selfish." And with that Ron also got up and left Harry.

But Harry didn't care. He liked writing and he believed that he had found his talent. He also liked the idea of getting paid for it.

In May, Harry's book, "The Man in the Mac", came out. He was already writing the sequel when it hit the shelves. Harry was pleasantly surprised when the book reached number one in practically every booklist. Soon, millions of people caught the mania of "The Man in the Mac". However, at school it didn't help Harry at all. Draco and his gang all used it as an opportunity to ridicule him more, Colin Creevey and his brother were like two annoying parasites, and Professor Snape also took advantage of it as well.

"Well, I see our... superstar decided to join us," Snape said with a evil smile one day when Harry got to Potions class five minutes late.

"I was--"

"Yes, we know that you were too busy signing autographs in the halls to get here," Snape said. "However, to me, you are just an insubordinate pupil that needs to be...punished."

The Slytherins laughed at this. Snape continued to smirk wickedly at Harry.

"So, I will take ten points from Gryffindor, and give Mr. Potter here detention for a week."

Harry turned red with embarrassment and anger as he saw Malfoy mouth the words "Can I have your autograph?" in Harry's direction.

"Now, Mr. Potter, would you kindly sit down so that I can continue with my lesson."

Harry sat down next to Ron, who was glaring at him. On his other side was Hermione, who avoided eye contact with Harry's bloodshot eyes.

During the next week, Harry's detention sentence was a myriad of different things. He had to polish all of the trophies in the trophy room on Monday. He had to clean all the bedpans in the hospital wing on Tuesday. He had to polish all of the school's brooms on Wednesday. On Thursday, he was put to work cleaning out the Owlery and putting in fresh hay. On Friday, his last day of detention, he had to clean out all of the cauldrons in the dungeon. Still, he found time to continue writing his book and do his homework (although it was sloppy).

Finally, June came, and the Professors seemed to be working the students extra hard. Harry was having an especially hard time with this. He had to cram writing his book, doing his schoolwork, eating, and sleeping all into his schedule. He had become a maniac of sorts, and many times he went into a 'writing trace' in which he could do nothing but type frantically on his typewriter for hours. On top of that, Ron and Hermione stopped speaking to him, which left him friendless and a little depressed. But it doesn't matter, he thought, all I need are my books.

One day, Harry was sitting in the common room, typing away at the typewriter, when Hermione spoke to him for the first time in over a month.

"Harry, I want you to know that you're really being an idiot."

"Thanks a lot," Harry replied, not looking up from his paper.

"You know, those books have consumed you. You're not the same anymore. I want the old Harry back. I just want to be friends again."

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm really serious, Harry. I don't want to see you killed by your own lunacy." She put her hand on his shoulder.

"It's not my fault. It's just that no one understands me," Harry said, starting to feel agitated.

"Harry--"

"Just go away!" Harry almost yelled.

Hermione looked shocked and said with a trembling voice, "Fine. Consider our friendship over." And Hermione left the common room for the girls dormitory, with tears streaming down her cheeks.

Harry stopped typing for a moment. He thought about what Hermione said:

At that moment, Harry realized that he had been an idiot, just like Hermione had said. He had been selfish all year, only doing what he wanted to do.

He finished up the last few pages of his book that night and sent it to the publishers.

On the Hogwarts Express that was taking all of the students back to Platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross Station, Hermione and Ron had gone into a separate compartment from Harry. It took a while for Harry to find where they were, but he eventually discovered their compartment. He opened the door to their little room.

"Mind if I come in?" he asked the two. They both looked at his silently.

"Fine," said Ron.

"I've got presents for you two," Harry said as he pulled two books out of a backpack that he had. "It's the sequel to 'The Man in the Mac'. It's called 'The Man in the Mac Returns'. Pretty cool, huh?" He handed out the books to the other two.

"You are really full of yourself, aren't you?" Ron asked indignantly.

"I thought you would--"

"You thought wrong," Hermione said. "Please leave us alone."

"Fine," Harry said dejectedly. He left the compartment.

Ron looked down at his book.

"That guy's got a lot of nerve," he said as he opened up the book. He turned the first few pages casually. He suddenly stopped and stared at one of the pages. Ron's ears turned pink.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked.

"Look in your book," Ron said.

Hermione opened her book and saw what Ron was looking at. On the dedication page at the beginning, it said,

Ron and Hermine:

"I guess we were kind of selfish too," Hermione said.

"Aw, come on, let's go make up and put this behind us!" Ron said as he got up and opened the compartment door.

"Yeah, let's go."

"By the way, did you notice that they spelled your name wrong?"

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