Ferrets Forever!

Ferrets Forever!

By Fourth Rose

The land behind the veil. Colourless, nondescript landscape. Sirius Black is sitting on a stone, watching the grey sky, when Draco Malfoy pops out of thin air.

SB: So she did actually get rid of you, hm?

DM (visibly shaken): Where the fuck am I?

SB: The fact that you can use profanity should already have told you that this is not the world you've lived in until now.

DM (bewildered): Huh?

SB: I mean you're obviously dead, kid.

DM: Don't be ridiculous. How could I be talking to you if I were dead?

SB: Because I'm dead too, dimwit. This is the land of the dead. The Realm Behind The Veil. Home of Those Who Have Kicked The Bucket. Got it now?

DM: This is totally outrageous! My father will hear about this!

SB: Son, all your Daddy's gonna get is a note reading Dear Mr Death Eater, I just offed your whiny little spawn because I can. Sucks to be you. No love, JKR.

DM: Who's that?

SB: Who's who?

DM: This JKR person.

SB: She's the creator.

DM: What, like... god?

SB: Nah. Just the one who created you and me. And... everything else, as far as we're concerned.

DM: Well, that sounds suspiciously like...

SB: Kid, stay clear of the meta. I mean it. If you get into this, you'll end up convincing yourself that you don't exist.

DM (sounding bitter): Since I'm obviously dead, that would be the case anyway, wouldn't it?

SB: I never said you'd stopped existing just because you're dead. I didn't, at least.

DM: Who are you, anyway?

SB: Sirius Black.

DM: My mother's cousin?

SB: Funny, I rather expected you to ask 'The mass murderer?'.

DM: Like I care about that. You obviously couldn't kill me now, could you?

SB (grinning): You're family, alright.

DM: And you have been here for...

SB: Doesn't matter. Time doesn't pass here. Listen, kid, I know how this looks now, but it's actually not so bad.

DM: Being dead???

SB: Being dead in canon.

DM: ...I'm afraid you've lost me there.

SB (sighing): Oh, hell. Have you ever heard about the Trousers of Time?

DM: Huh?

SB: Different dimensions? Alternate universes? Parallel planes of existence?

DM: You mean, like... other versions of my life? Of me??

SB: Yep. Lots and lots and lots of them. And most of these are still very much alive.

DM: How's that possible?

SB: You see, there's JKR, and then there are... well, you could say other creators. They're called fangirls.

DM: They've created alternate versions of myself?

SB: Of everyone you know, kid.

DM: Wow.

SB: Yep. And believe me, you're going to have a lot more fun if you stick with them.

DM: The fangirls?

SB: Exactly.

DM: 'More fun' meaning what, exactly?

SB: Well... getting laid, for starters.

DM: You don't say!

SB: I guessed that might get your attention.

DM: I'm sixteen and have been locked away at Hogwarts School of the Romantically Challenged and Sexually Retarded, what do you expect?

SB (grinning): Son, believe me, that's definitely over now.

DM: But... you said I'm dead? How is it going to be any help if these... fangirls allowed all those alternate Draco Malfoys to have fun? What are they going to do for me?

SB: They'll bring you back.

DM: What?

SB: You heard me. They'll bring you back without even breaking a sweat. And not just once, but a thousand times - in all kinds of different ways.

DM: Are you serious?

SB: This is getting old, you know.

DM: What I meant was: are you serious that they're going to bring me back?

SB: Well, they keep doing it for me, so I fail to see how you would be any different.

DM: You're going back? How??

SB: I've lost count of the ways they keep coming up with. But I go back all the time.

DM: To do what?

SB: Mostly to shag Remus Lupin.

DM (shuddering): Thanks, this is a mental image I could have done without.

SB: Well, they'll probably bring you back to shag Ginny Weasley.

DM: WHAT?

SB: Or, alternatively, Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson, Neville Longbottom, Severus Snape, and of course there's always your Dad...

DM: ...I think I'm going to be sick.

SB: You're dead, that doesn't work any longer.

DM (losing his temper): Then I'll spit ectoplasm or whatever!

SB: That's poltergeists, and you're not one of those, either. So if you don't want any of the people I mentioned, who's left for you?

DM: Please tell me there is anyone else left to pick.

SB: You want to stick with the H/D shippers, then. They seem to be in the majority anyway, and they're a very creative bunch when it comes to you.

DM: Creative as in...

SB: ...if you're hoping for 'kinky', yes, they're that, too. But they'll also change you from a pasty, whiny little git...

DM: Hey!

SB: ...into a drop-dead gorgeous, silver-haired ice prince.

DM: Hmm. Who would I have to shag for them?

SB: Oh, quite a number of people. But in the end, it would always be Harry Potter, of course.

DM: ...

SB: You're not very attractive when your mouth is hanging open like that.

DM: Harry Potter??

SB: Obviously, you've got this whole hate-love thingy going with him.

DM: HARRY POTTER????

SB: I guess I see how the two of you might have things in common.

DM (inhaling deeply): So - in order to go back to the land of the living, I have to throw myself at the mercy of a bunch of fangirls who want me to do the Prat Who Lived.

SB: Well, they're certainly reliable. I bet they had the plans for your comeback ready the moment JKR let you bite the dust. Hell, knowing them, they had them half a year earlier. And I mean, Harry's not that unattractive. Especially if the alternative is remaining dead and not getting any ever again.

DM (sulking): Make that 'not ever getting any' thanks to this JKR bitch.

SB: Stop living in the past. Erm, let me rephrase that.

DM: Yeah, rub it in, will you?

SB: Have a little faith in your girls - they're probably going to put you through the wringer on a regular basis, but I can safely promise that there will be benefits. Lots of them.

DM: Well, it would certainly be better than staying dead.

SB: That's the spirit.

DM: Also, I'll finally get some of the attention and adoration I deserve.

SB: Yeah, well, whatever.

DM: I think I can do this.

SB: Go you!

DM: I mean, I'm a Malfoy. We can face any kind of trouble and always come out on top.

SB: Well, in this particular case, I wouldn't bet on it.

DM: Huh?

SB: Never you mind. Will you be going, then?

DM: I guess so. What about you?

SB: Yes, me too. No rest for the wicked!

DM: Do you ever come back to this place?

SB: Sometimes, when I feel I could use a bit of quiet. Though I guess it's going to get pretty crowded around here once Book 7 is finished.

DM: I'll see you, then?

SB: Count on it.

DM: Black?

SB: Hmm?

DM: If you and I were getting it on here, would that technically count as necrophilia?

SB: Boy, you are quick on the uptake, aren't you?

DM: Well?

SB: It's not me you should be coming on to, ferret. Off you go, and don't forget to keep the girls happy!

DM (raising an eyebrow): Don't you mean Potter?

SB (smirking): Same thing.

FIN