Kiss the Girl

Kiss the Girl

Chapter 7

Makeover Madness

~*~

***

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

-Woody Allen

***

Halloween had fallen upon Hogwarts in a flurry of excitement and liveliness. As it was a Friday, the impending Hogsmeade visit had added to the enthusiasm, and to some, anxiety. Of course, the word "some" really only applied to one person, Harry Potter. Not only was it the day he was sending his two best friend´s on a date, but he was leading one of the aforementioned friends into the hands of his arch nemesis, Draco Malfoy. It wasn´t until Herbalogy, however, that Harry really began to worry.

"Maybe you shouldn´t have carved the mouth first, Neville." Hermione looked at the pumpkin Neville was giving a nose to. As it was Halloween, Professor Sprout had given them a special treat, pumpkins that became animated after they were carved. Neville´s kept shouting instructions at him, most along the lines of "Hey! Watch it, your hand is shaking," and "Why aren´t my eyes the same size? You don´t see me making your face lopsided, do you?"

Harry´s pumpkin, on the other hand, remained peculiarly quiet, bestowing upon him knowing looks that, quite frankly, scared the wizards out of him. Finally, Harry couldn´t take it any longer. "What? Why do you keep staring at me like that?"

"You´ve got a secret," said the pumpkin, "And you´re very nervous." The pumpkin, whose voice was female, batted her eyelash at him (Harry deeply regretted giving it those.)

"And just how do you know that?" Harry whispered, trying not to gain Ron´s attention.

A smug grin spread across the pumpkin´s orange exterior, "Because you look like you are. That, and you keep mumbling to yourself."

"Am not!" Harry couldn´t believe he was fighting with a possible dessert.

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Mr. Potter...Ms. Pumpkin," Professor Sprout, along with all the rest of the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, were staring at the scene blossoming before them. "If you wouldn´t mind," the teacher continued, "I´ll ask you to continue carving a bit more quietly."

"Sorry Professor," Harry mumbled, shooting the pumpkin a nasty glare. The pumpkin just smiled, looking rather proud of herself.

"Are you okay, Harry? You´ve been acting jumpy all day." Hermione walked up to Harry and laid a hand on his forehead. "You aren´t getting sick, are you?"

"Sick?" Harry said stupidly.

"You know, as in cough, wheeze, gag?" interjected Ron from his place on Harry´s left.

Harry remembered his earlier conversation with Ginny about getting out of the Hogsmeade trip. Thinking quickly, Harry formed a story. "Now that you mention it, I am feeling kind of off, maybe I´ll go see Madame Pomfrey after class." Hermione and Ron both nodded, causing Harry to breathe a sigh of relief. `So far, so good...as long as you don´t count the pumpkin,´ he thought.

***

"Harry, I thought we were going to see Madame Pomfrey?" Ron gave his friend a questioning glance. The two boys had just dropped Hermione off at her last class of the day, Arithmancy, and were class-free for the rest of the weekend.

"Ron...I have something we really need to talk about," Harry started, turning a corridor as he did so. "You see, I don´t think I´m going to make it to Hogsmeade tonight."

"Well if you don´t feel well, that´s understandable."

"I feel fine, Ron."

"Then why did you tell Hermione you didn´t?" Ron was now thoroughly puzzled. Not to mention a bit scared.

"Because you´re going to go alone with Hermione, and I didn´t want to make that obvious." Harry stopped walking to gauge his friend´s reaction.

"That´s silly, Harry, all you had to do was tell us if you didn´t want to go. We could have all stayed here."

"No, Ron, you see--I want you and Hermione to go." Harry felt a drop of sweat begin to form on his forehead, and he began to loosen his collar.

"We could have done that too, Harry. I mean, it´s not like you were tagging along on a date." All of a sudden Ron´s eyes began to resemble saucers as a thought dawned upon him. "You don´t have a date tonight, do you Harry?"

Okay, so it was the wrong thought, give the guy a little credit.

Harry started to grind his teeth, silently asking the heavens why his best friend was so thick about things that involved the combining of males and females. "No, Ron, I don´t want to go on a date tonight."

"Harry, you´re acting as if you wanted me and Hermione to go on a date." Ron laughed at the absurdness behind the thought.

"Ron!" Harry practically shouted, "That´s exactly why I wanted you two to go alone! So you could go on a bloody date!" Harry grabbed his hair and tried to refrain from pulling on it.

"Oh." Ron began to look nervous. "You know, I was kind of thinking that you were going towards that direction, but now that you actually say it, it makes sense."

"Ron, just stop talking, please." Harry stood for a second, trying to remember the yoga instructions his Aunt Petunia had forced him to read to her as she attempted to accomplish the moves on her mat in the living room. Needless to say, those were troublesome times, and the memories were a bit hard to retrieve without bursting out into tears.

"Can I talk now?" Ron asked meekly. Harry just nodded, breathing in his nose and out his arm--wait, that couldn´t be right. "Harry, I don´t think I can go on a date with Hermione, what if I mess it up?" Ron went on.

"You spend plenty of time alone with her, Ron, how is this any different?"

Ron began walking back towards Gryffindor Tower, calling back behind him, "It just is!" Harry considered jumping out the nearby window, but soon realized that he was on the first floor. `Well, maybe I´d twist my ankle if I landed hard enough,´ he contemplated, before at last realizing that this action would only add to his turmoil.

Double damn.

***

Half an hour later Harry had managed to work some courage into his reluctant friend. His speech had finished with, "What are you Ron, a man, or a Slytherin?" and had been quite moving, in his own opinion. What Ron didn´t know was that Harry had a preceding event planned, and by all means, Harry didn´t want Ron to know either. It was for this reason that Harry let Ron be led like a lamb to its slaughter, totally oblivious to his fate. Truthfully, it wasn´t far off from Ron´s usual schedule.

At around five o´clock the two made their way to the library, where Harry had told Ron they were meeting Hermione. What Harry hadn´t told Ron was that he was lying through his teeth; they were actually going to meet Malfoy. When the room they were meeting the Slytherin in came into view, Harry cleared his throat. "Ron, I think I forgot something in here. Mind if we stop by?"

Ron looked a bit confused, "But we don´t have any classes in here Harry, this is the Advanced Transfiguration room."

"I know, but trust me, we need to stop in." Harry opened the door and stepped inside, happily noting that the lights had not yet been turned on. `At least Malfoy wasn´t sitting here waiting for us,´ Harry thought. After Ron stepped through the doorway the lights mysteriously turned themselves on, giving the boys a sudden view of everything in the room.

All the desks had been pushed to the side, leaving only one chair in the middle of the room. On it sat Draco Malfoy, waiting for him.

"What are you doing here, Malfoy?" Ron spat vehemently.

"Haven´t told him yet, have you Potter? Oh well, it´s more fun this way." Draco inspected the nails on his left hand.

The silver-haired boy´s statement seemed to divert Ron´s attention away from pummeling Malfoy with a dull pencil. "Harry, what is he talking about?"

"Well, you see...I kind of..." Harry trailed off, fearing for his life.

"What did you do, Harry?" Ron´s voice was very low, and very scary.

"DracoMalfoyisgoingtogetyoureadyforyourdatetonight!" Harry finally got out.

"Tell me you didn´t say that Draco Malfoy was getting me ready for my date tonight, tell me I didn´t just hear you say that!"

Harry said nothing.

"Anytime today, Harry, just take your time." Harry squirmed under Ron´s stare.

"Oh, but he did." Draco finally answered. "So get your pitiful self over here, Weasley, you´re on my time now."

Ron ignored this, "But Harry--why? I thought we were friends." Draco made a gagging motion from his place in the middle of the room, before promptly falling off his chair and pretending to have died.

"Ron, I thought you´d have more confidence if you looked like you wanted to impress Hermione. Hermione is going to go through the same thing--more subtly of course, and without Draco."

"Who planned that?" asked Ron.

"Ginny, she knows everything." The tone Harry used was reminiscent of a bad soap opera character revealing their secret love affair with their husband´s father´s mailman´s bank teller."

"My own sister! Who next, my Mum?"

"I can assure you that your mother isn´t involved in this, at least, I don´t think she is. She may be in cahoots with Ginny," Harry mused.

"Argh!" Ron turned to leave, but found the door locked.

"You´re not going anywhere, Weasley." Draco said, sitting on the chair once again. "You and Granger will get together, or I didn´t make an addition of 142 insults to my list this week."

"What are you talking about? Has everybody gone nutters?" Ron started to pound on the door.

"I´m sorry about this Weasley--wait, no I´m not. Oh well, I guess we´re doing this the hard way." With that final declaration, Draco started to wave his wand. After saying a few choice words Ron found himself tied and gagged, and withering on the ground.

"Malfoy! What are you doing?" Harry shouted, quite alarmed.

"Ever heard the expression, `beauty is pain,´ Potter?" Draco then looked over Harry´s angry form. "But then of course you haven´t, just look at your...well, there are too many different things to comment on, let´s just leave at you." Draco then levitated Ron to the chair he´d just vacated, before adding another rope to keep Ron seated.

"Mary elp!" Ron tried to say, but of course "Harry" came out sounding like "Mary," causing Draco to snicker.

"Malfoy, untie him right now!" Harry shouted.

"Potter, he´ll thank you later, I swear. And if he doesn´t, I´ll give him a bit of a memory charm I picked up over the summer."

"Where, `We Are Villains Sleep Away Camp?!?!´" Harry was growing increasingly panicked.

"Potter, one more outburst and Crabbe and Goyle will have to restrain you." Harry´s head turned to the side of the room, where the two cronies were standing stupidly, not even noticeable due to their lack of human characteristics. Maybe if they´d been in the jungle, however, they´d have gotten a spot on a nature program.

Anyway...

Harry resigned himself and gave Ron a guilty look, then started to rummage through a box that was lying on the floor.

"Hair-raising Hair Gel: Look Perfect or Die trying? Malfoy, what is this stuff?" Harry picked up a bottle of the previously commented upon gel.

"It´s not like I use it Potter, I got it for Weasley here." Draco seemed to be growing a bit nervous.

"Yeah Wite," Ron mumbled through his gag. Harry walked up to him and pulled the piece of cloth out of his mouth. Draco lunged, but it was too late.

"I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU HARRY POTTER, AND YOU TOO, DRACO MALFOY! I´M GOING TO TEAR YOU UP INTO FIFTY BILLION PIECES! I´M--" Harry quickly put the gag back in Ron´s mouth.

"I´ve never seen him this angry," he told Draco.

"And all I did was tie him up, gag him, and hold him here against his will. I never thought Weasley to be one to be melodramatic like this...oh wait. Yes, yes I did, because he´s an idiot." Draco shrugged his shoulders and took the bottle of gel from Harry´s hand. "And go stand in the corner, Potter, your presence is bothering me."

"Malfoy--" Harry started.

"Away, away. Really, you Gryffindors are as stubborn as roadkill. The car keeps coming but you don´t move out of the road." Harry was about to comment about Draco´s knowledge of such muggle things as "cars" and "roadkill," but then decided he really didn´t want to know. Sighing, Harry went and sat down at the nearby window seat.

Forty-five minutes of madness ensued. Harry watched as Draco used an ocean of gel on Ron´s hair, taming it until it was smooth and sleek. Of course, Draco used gloves as he did this, commenting that the Weasleys were all probably infested with lice. As Draco worked on Ron´s part he mumbled to himself, a long stream of self-contratgulation such as, "I am a genius--no, the genius." Or, "Thank wizards that I was created, the world would just have ended if Weasley was permitted to walk around looking like he does." There was also the one that made Harry reconsider jumping out the window, "I am God." Ron had passed out halfway through the experience, and Draco had placed a levitating ruler under his chin to keep his head in place.

"Alright, the hair´s done," Draco finally said, much to Harry´s relief. "Now let´s get his outfit together."

Ron immediately woke up, crying, "Nwoooo Nmph Nwooo!" Harry guessed he wasn´t pleased.

"Weasley, one more comment out of you and I´m having Crabbe and Goyle wrestle you into leather pants. Green leather. Really tight green leather--with snake scales. Ooh--I like that." Draco got a far off look in his eyes as a malicious grin crossed his face. Harry cleared his throat desperately, wishing that he could take some comfort in...in...anything, really.

"Oh right." Draco got back to the task at hand, walking around Ron is slow, deliberate circles. "What you need, Weasley, is a fashion coordinator, and seeing as I´m the only one here who can really qualify as `the sexiest man alive,´ I suppose the job is up to me. Crabbe!" Draco´s crony lurched over towards his master--er...friend, and waited for his orders. "Pick up that book that´s in the box." Crabbe did so, almost squishing it his large hand.

"Honestly..." Harry couldn´t help himself. However, Draco ignored the comment and Crabbe just didn´t understand.

"Okay, Weasley, I´m going to change your clothes now." Draco watched as Ron tipped the chair over trying to escape, and Harry bent beside him, trying to untie the ropes, not even bothering with a wand. "Not that way, you idiots. With a spell," Draco stopped to roll his eyes here, "we are at Hogwarts after all. Or perhaps you two are too dense to have noticed.

"I´m thinking...khakis. Draco pointed his want at Ron and his old gray pants turned into those of crisp tan. "And maybe...green? Or maroon (here Draco gave Ron a smug grin) or possibly...blue." Draco waved his want again and a light blue button-down shirt replaced his old sweater. His robes were still in place, but hung loosely, revealing the new and improved--and very pissed off--Ron. One more wave and the ropes and gag blew up into dust, leaving Ron spitting out the remains.

"Malfoy, if I ever see your slimy face aga--" Just then, Draco held up a large mirror that had been in the box. It revealed to Ron a self he had never imagined. His hair looked like that of a male model´s (A very manly one, however, he told himself) and his clothes were straight out of Brooke´s Wizards, the famous wizard´s men clothing store.

"I look good!" Ron whispered, turning around in front of the mirror. "Thanks, Harry." Harry waved away the thanks, not bothering to spare Draco a look.

"You little ingrate!" Draco gathered up his things, then left in an insulted huff, Crabbe and Goyle waddling behind him.

"Now it´s time to go meet Hermione, Ron." Harry said, still in awe that his best friend was fixed up so nicely.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that." Ron started pluck at his new shirt.

"Ron, don´t you dare mess yourself up--I don´t ever want to go through that experience again."

"And about that..." Ron turned on Harry, an angry look on his face. "Don´t you ever do that again. Ever. Do you understand me?" Harry nodded fervently.

"Right then, let´s go." Ron started out the room, Harry behind him.

***

At about the same time Ron had been led to his doom, Hermione was reading a book peacefully by the fire. Of course, she probably wouldn´t have been if she´d known what fate was about to drop over her head. Or rather, her two roommates were about to drop over her head.

"It´s gorgeous!" squealed Parvati, picking the fabric off of Hermione´s head. "It will look perfect with her hair." Hermione turned around to see Lavender exclaiming over a skirt that would travel almost to a girl´s knees. It was red and possessed a fine gold sheen, making it glimmer every time the light caught it.

"It´s very pretty, Parvati, but why did you feel the urge to drop it on my head?" Hermione put down her book, carefully noting the page number for future reference.

"Because you´re going to wear it, silly!" Lavender scolded.

"I am?" Hermione questioned, all wisdom deserting her.

"Yup! I´ve had it sitting in my closet for ages, but I don´t think it looks good on me. I was cleaning it out, you see," Lavender gave a Parvati a suspicious smile, "and came across it. I thought maybe you could wear it."

"You don´t mean tonight?" Hermione asked.

"Why not, it is Halloween after all!" Lavender started to pull Hermione up the girl´s staircase.

"But what does that have to do with anything!" was the last anybody heard of the struggling Hermione.

Ginny watched from a nearby chair, smiling at her own cleverness. She´d barely had to broach the subject with Hermione´s roommates before they´d jumped on it like hungry wolves. She hoped Harry and Ron had such an easy time.

***

When Hermione came back down the staircase an hour later her hair was straightened and curled at the ends, courtesy of a new wand treatment Lavender had read about in "Witchly Vogue."

"Oh, Hermione!" Ginny instantly shot up from where she´d been waiting her friend´s descent.

"What, is it that bad? I don´t know why they wanted to do this, really, Ginny..." Hermione trailed off, waiting for the younger girl´s reply.

"You look beautiful, Hermione," Ginny´s voice was soft.

"Really? Do you think Ro--er...everybody will like it?"

"I know at least one person will," Ginny said under her breath. She glanced at Hermione´s black three-quarter shirt appreciatively, noticing the pretty gold ribbons that wrapped around the bell cuffs.

Hermione followed Ginny´s gaze, "I´ve had it awhile, but never worn it before. Lavender found it in my trunk." Hermione put on the cloak she´d been holding up until this point. "Well, I better be going. I´m supposed to meet Harry and Ron now." However, just as Hermione was about to climb through the portrait hole, in came the two she´d been planning to meet.

Ron and Hermione stared transfixed at each other.

"Hi," said Ron.

"Hi," replied Hermione.

Harry looked from one to the other, then coughed. "Yeah, so I think I´m sick. I´m going to go lie down. You two have fun."

"Alright then, Harry, feel better," was Hermione´s heart-felt reply.

"Yeah," was all Ron bothered to say.

"Have fun!" Ginny started to push them out the portrait hole, rolling her eyes as Ron tripped and Hermione went to steady him. With a little click, the portrait swung shut.

Hermione blinked. "Where´s Harry?"

Ron smiled, "Sick, or something. Shall we go?" With one last guilty look, Hermione followed, falling right into Harry and Ginny´s master-minded plan.

From the inside of the Gryffindor Common Room, Ginny smiled. "They´re so...oblivious."

"And unless a miracle occurs, I don´t think it will end here." Harry took out a notebook from the bag he´d been carrying. "We must be prepared for disaster."

"But Harry," Ginny started, "Everything is going so well."

"It is now, Ginny, it is now."