No Longer Loving In Silence

Harry awoke in a strange bed. He did not have any time to contemplate his surroundings, because just as soon he sat up, he vomited violently all over the gray blanket.

"Oh dear, oh dear," he heard someone say in alarm. "Lupin!" Harry did not recognize the voice, or the witch that had spoken. "Here, Harry." He took the basin gratefully, and grimaced as another surge of bile rose into his throat. While he was preoccupied, the witch charmed the bedsheets clean.

"Harry."

The familiar voice made him look up. It was Remus and he held a towel in one hand.

"Shall I bathe him?" Remus asked the witch. She nodded in response.

"I've already drawn his bath, Lupin. Now, if you would assist me?"

A bath. Harry was thankful. He let his friend pull him up, and held on to Remus' waist as they made their way slowly to the bathroom. He was too tired to object or feel embarrassed when Remus started to undress him. However, he was still able to speak, and he asked the witch, "Who are you?"

"Honestly, Mister Potter," she answered drily. "You end up in my infirmary bed more frequently than any other students. It has finally occurred to me that you're accident-prone."

Harry stared at her incredulously. "Madam Pomfrey?"

"Who else can I be?" she replied, rolling her eyes in aggravation. She turned to Remus. "Can you handle him? I have to fetch something." Remus nodded and she walked out briskly.

"Careful," Remus said to him as he lowered himself into the tub. The water felt blissfully warm against his clammy skin. Harry was half tempted to duck his head under the water, but fortunately, there was a huge scoop within reach. However, he was shocked to find that he could not wrap his fingers around the handle; his fingers felt weak for some reason.

"Don't worry – I'll help you."

He watched as Remus scooped up some water using the utensil, then closed his eyes as water poured over his head.

"Remus? Why do I feel numb?" Harry croaked.

His friend did not look at him in the eye when he replied. "You're drugged, so that you won't be bothered by pain."

"It's not that serious," Harry protested weakly.

"Not serious to you, perhaps," Madam Pomfrey cut in. "But to a medi-witch, your condition could have been prevented, had you been more careful of your partners," she said scathingly. She edged closer to the bathtub, and Harry saw that she held a green pill in her right hand and a glass of water in the other. "Here – take this."

"What is that for?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"It will clean his mouth and rid the taste of vomit," she answered swiftly. "Hang on to Lupin, mind. The pill has an awful kick. Lupin, you give Harry this glass of water once the explosion is over. I'm going to find something suitable for him to sleep in. Here you go."

Harry frowned slightly but did not spit out the tablet. He tasted … or felt a burning sensation the minute he closed his mouth. Then his eardrums popped and his vision turned black as the pill went off inside his mouth. Hot! Hot! He coughed violently. "Remus!" Harry coughed again. "Water!" His friend thrust the glass at him, and he grabbed it. He drank, rinsed quickly, and spat the liquid back into the glass.

"I had expected you to drink it, not spit it out," Remus said wryly.

Harry coughed. The sensation as though his tongue was on fire receded eventually. "Fred and George will definitely love this." He chuckled weakly. "Maybe I shall ask Madam Pomfrey to give me some and then I'll hand it over to the twins. I can't imagine the look on Hermione's face if they give one to her – she'll probably think it is some kind of prank and will not believe that it has dental purposes."

Remus laughed with him. "It's been a while since I've heard you joke." Harry smiled weakly.

They returned to the bedroom. Madam Pomfrey was nowhere in sight, but there was a light brown sleeping robe on the bed. It was while Remus was helping him wear the piece of clothing did he ask, who other than Madam Pomfrey knew of his troubles. When Remus did not reply him immediately, Harry thought that only he and the school nurse knew. Therefore, he dropped his worries.

"Severus knows," Remus said quietly as he tucked the blanket around Harry's waist. His reply felt like a slap to Harry.

"Dear gods … Remus, why did you tell him?" Harry whispered. "How could you…" He felt utterly humiliated. "Why?"

Remus sat beside him and gave him a compassionate look. "I know. Your bruises disturbed me, but I couldn't go to a clinic and buy what you needed. I thought of Severus immediately, and we got the things for your treatment."

"And I know how you feel about Professor Snape, Harry," Madam Pomfrey said. "But, if Lupin had not brought the Potions Master initially, he would know about you all the same since I needed two of his potions, which are by right, quite dangerous to use if it is not brewed precisely."

"Severus is the only one I trust when it comes to medicinal potions. Healing paste and such are commonplace enough, but as for the Sleeping Draught and Draft of Peace…"

"I feel the same way," Madam Pomfrey added. "He can be a dubious character sometimes but I thank Merlin that I know that those potions of his can be trusted."

Harry could not comment on that. He remained silent and watched her carry a red basin. He could hear water sloshing from it as Madam Pomfrey set it down on the broad, bedside table. She went out, but returned with a tumbler and a black bottle.

"I'll leave the two of you alone now," she said mysteriously, after she had placed the tumbler and the bottle on the table. "Lupin – be careful."

Harry stared at Remus in confusion, and wondered of the purpose behind Madam Pomfrey's words. His friend exhaled loudly and started to wash his hands with the water from the basin.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this," Remus muttered. "Your insides are damaged. Madam Pomfrey wanted Severus to do it, since he knows how much you really need, but he adamantly refused. So, the task fell into my lap."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked carefully.

"Last night, Madam Pomfrey was quite worried … so we did not wait for you to wake. I had to … well … literally apply the salve inside you." Remus' face reddened. Harry could only blink.

"I have to do it again," Remus said shakily. "If you can't bear the knowledge that I'm –" He did not finish his sentence but started a new one. "Drink this. I believe it has been laced with a sleeping potion."

Harry licked his dry lips. His eyes studied the tumbler on the table and then his gaze returned to watch Remus. He did not blame his friend, but somehow, he could not bring himself to witness Remus touching him. He's my friend. I don't want to lose our friendship.

"I – I understand," he said. "I'll drink that."

Remus smiled, obviously relieved with his decision.

"I don't want to lose you as a friend, and I don't think I want to complicate it with intimate acts," Harry said with a slight smile.

"I feel the same way, Harry."

Harry wandered inside the house that was left by his godfather. He was really bored and wished that he could visit his friends, or that Remus was with him. Unfortunately, it was a full moon night. Harry knew that his friend preferred to be on his own for several days when the night of transformation was upon him. He was touching a carved, wooden handrail when a surge of magical energy seeped into his fingers. He had a guest.

"Tonks?" he called out and hesitantly went down the stairs. He quickly made up a speech in his mind, just in case his friend asked with whom had he brawled with. He froze when he saw the black figure approach him from the opposite direction. It was the Potions Master.

"Snape," he greeted in a tight voice.

The wizard stopped. "Potter," Severus answered with a slight inclination of his head. The latter then passed a brown bag to him. Harry stared at it for a second, and then peered inside. He frowned.

"Where's the green bottle?" he asked absently. He flinched when Severus touched his chin.

"Lumos," Severus said softly, and Harry winced at the light that came from the tip of the wand. He realized that the older wizard was examining his eye. "You no longer need it, Potter. Wear make-up if you wish to hide it."

"Huh." And perhaps thick, black eyeliner as well?

"And as for the … ointment … I recommend you to stop using it from Friday onward. You will itch but it will be safer if it is left alone."

"Fine." Harry watched Severus with narrowed eyes. "How much do I owe you?"

Severus raised an eyebrow at that inquiry.

"I know that some of the ingredients used to make the potions are expensive."

"Well." Severus smiled crookedly. Here's my chance to extort money from him. "I shall make use of this golden opportunity to make you pay for the items you and your friends had stolen from me."

"We did not!" Harry said quickly, but as usual, Severus saw the brief flicker of guilt in the Gryffindor's eyes.

"Aren't you brave enough to admit that you had been a thief, Potter?" Severus smirked.

"You have no proof."

"Ah, but hadn't we exchanged memories in our frequent Occlumency-Legilimency duels?"

If Severus did not have a reputation to maintain, he would have chortled. He looks so much like a trapped rabbit.

"How much, Snape?"

"Two hundred Galleons," he said calmly.

"Are you mad?" Harry exclaimed.

"Manners, Potter."

"Two hundred?"

Severus nodded. He felt horribly gleeful and a bit giddy at the prospect of having two hundred Galleons more in his vault. He waited patiently as Harry summoned a cheque-book and a quill. Harry handed him the note and after he read it, he was tempted to wrap his fingers around the young wizard's neck.

Harry sighed. "That is the amount of my own money I can give you, Snape … unless you want me to give you Sirius' or my father's gold?"

Severus grimaced instantly and folded the cheque neatly before keeping it in his pocket. Should I, or shouldn't I? He turned to leave, but … "Potter."

Harry was already ascending the stairs and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"Draco. He came to see me two nights ago," Severus said cautiously, and was astonished to see Harry pale at the mere mention of Draco's name. Had he lied about Draco abusing him?

"And?" Harry's voice had turned harsh. "What is his story?" His voice was so full of venom that Severus was taken aback.

"I don't care if he was truly responsible for what had happened to you!" Severus snapped.

"So I'm lying?" Harry hissed angrily. "I see that you're still conceited, especially when it comes to your students."

"And haven't you been mine as well?" Severus shot back. "And haven't you lied about things before?"

Harry came down the stairs, and Severus backed away unconsciously when he saw the flash of fury in the young man's eyes.

"You have never showed any concern beyond your Slytherins, Severus Snape!"

Merlin….

"Once I had thought that you were probably the one person who thinks I am nothing extraordinary, but then, even for you, I was 'The-Boy-Who-Lived'. The 'savior' of the wizarding world."

"I –"

"I was the only one who could offer you redemption!"

Severus believed that if those had been incantations rather than mere words of anger, he doubted he would be conscious to hear the rest of Harry's rant. Those words were like fire around his ears, although they were true. It had not been Dumbledore as Severus had always thought, but young Harry. The wizard he had despised for being famous without doing anything, those few years ago. Harry was the one who had given him the freedom he had craved for three long decades. Severus took a deep breath and drew himself up. He still had not finished what he had to say. "Draco said to me that he is considering suicide if you don't return to him."

Harry glared at him, but then laughed suddenly. His laughter was empty of mirth – it was bitter and full of mockery. "He loves himself too much to do himself in, and you know it, Severus! So you don't care whether or not Draco is responsible for this. But I bet you're ready – no – eager to accept that I'm a fool. All this, is my fault! I should have been wiser!" Severus was pushed back roughly by the younger man. "Get out of my house, Severus!"

Suddenly, Severus was staring at a solid brown door. How in hell did I get here? From behind the door, he heard Harry cast a charm.

"I was a fool…"

Severus held his breath and listened intently.

"I fooled myself into thinking that I could love Draco. But I don't – I can't. He can't be a replacement." Harry laughed. "I was at fault too. I cheated him. I hurt him. I used him to make myself forget the person I do love."

He heard a soft thud and a rustling noise. Severus realized that Harry had leaned against the door, and was now sitting on the floor.

"Is it wrong that I dream and crave to be with someone I feel strongly for? Not like you will anyway. The day that you say you do love me might as well be the day the sun swallowed the universe."

Severus scowled. What is he talking about? There was a sigh from behind the door.

"It seems as though I have loved you for a very long time, Severus. At least I know something now – my feelings for you have been inside me for far longer than my crush on Draco. I don't know why, but I started to admire you when we began those duels. It had been fun. Perhaps it is just as well that you don't know. This way, you won't get hurt." There was a slight noise and Severus retreated immediately. "I love you so much but I can't … I don't know how to say it to you." Harry's voice sounded distant. "Merlin … 'And haven't you been mine as well?' My heart nearly stopped beating when I heard you say that."

Severus heard nothing more from Harry. He left Number Twelve in a rather confused state of mind.

"I have loved you for a very long time, Severus." Harry's declaration echoed in his mind repeatedly as he made his way home. He shed his cloak, hung it on a hook, and then secured his door. He went into his kitchen and tried to make himself a cup of tea, but his hands shook so much that his cup shattered when he directed his wand at it and not the water.

"I love you so much."

"Bloody hell," he swore. "I think I'll drink some of my own potion tonight."

Severus' sleep was restless. Even with the relaxant he had consumed earlier, it did not guarantee him a good rest. He was dreaming but his dreams did not make any sense. Most of them were too blurry and distorted, and he still heard Harry's voice.

"Breathing … you're alive…."

He woke and stared at the ceiling blankly for some time. Severus turned to lie on his side and gazed at the scene outside the window. He became sleepy after a while, closed his eyes, and fell asleep for the second time. He dreamt of voices; they were talking about him.

"Will he make it?" The voice of Minerva McGonagall was worried.

"I don't know, Minerva. He's too weak … and he's lost so much blood. He might not last the night."

Then Severus was floating and his entire body was caressed with soft and silky threads.

"Severus … live. If not for me, if not for Dumbledore, then for yourself. Please … you're free. You're free, Severus. Please stay…."

He moaned in his sleep and an expression of pain flickered on his face. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and in the slight hollow at the base of his throat. His hands fisted on the sheets that covered him from the waist down. His head thrashed restlessly from side to side as he struggled to free himself from his dreams.

Warmth and it came from the fingers that cupped his face. He was staring up into a pair of emerald eyes that were streaming with tears, but yet, they were alight with joy.

"You live," the voice sounded awed. "You're staying. Thank you."

When Severus awakened just before dawn, he told himself firmly that his dreams had been influenced by his imagination and the unsettling visit the night before. He grumbled to himself as he got out of bed, irritated about not having a good rest.

Just one question, Severus Snape. Are you imaginative enough to have dreams about yourself dying? Severus shook his head violently and readied himself for the day.