In Which Serious Sucks

In Which Serious Sucks

A Harry Potter Fic

Dedicated to all my friends

To lighten the mood of all your crappy days… HA

Prologue : The Intro (Yea, this is the part where you go, “DUH.”)

Padma Patil speaks:

Professor Binns had always been deathly boring. Being that he was already dead, what could you expect? Who, in their right mind, that is, would want to hear about how the world almost ended in the 10th century when a famous “warlock” destroyed almost everything. Absolutely no one… besides all the guys… and the majority of the girls… I’m off the subject! Anyways, just go with me.

One of the very few exciting things we had ever done in his hell-born class was the time trials. Hermione Granger, of course, was the only girl who’d ever time traveled before. I despised her, always knowing everything there possibly was to know. No matter! I get all the guys anyways, especially that new exchange student from Australia, Frodo. He’s unbearably short, though, and has hideous feet. Ugh! Oops! We were talking about the time trials weren’t we? Yes, yes.

Binns appointed all of his classes into groups of five. I got stuck with Hermione as one of them… I could’ve sworn that I was going to hang myself if I heard one more remark out of her smart mouth. After all, we were sent into the 1800’s. The guillotine was not an option for me… oh no, never. Right. All the groups were assigned a date such as the 1800’s and it was our job to go visit three different years within the last one hundred. We had to write an unbearable paper, too! 6000 words or more on each year we visited! I remember that stupid paper took me 48 hours to write up, I swear!

Anyway, it was so much fun, cut the paper and the pathetic groupings, a lot of people decided to get to together again that summer and go for a huge vacation in another time and place. Since it was our last year at Hogwarts, we were now legally allowed to risk our lives with our magic. It was a blast! Even though Colin Creevey lost four fingers. I had always told him that his camera would be his death, but no, nobody listen to Padma. Sure, I’m not Hermione Granger, but I know when someone’s obsessive.

Ron Weasley speaks:

… Of course, as usual Harry was invited, so naturally he invited Draco, ‘Mione, and I along. I was forced into bringing the entire bloody family with me. Gred and Feorge were a plus, however, Ginny was not, and Ma threw a fit once she realized that she wouldn’t get caught if she used “Minor’s Magic” illegally. As a matter of fact, that was the entire plan in the first place. There were many other students coming, but not all with us.

Our group included Harry, Fred, George, Ginny, ‘Mione, Draco, and I. What’s funny is that our group tended to grow and shrink with the places that we visited. Including an artistic, “deep” French guy from the 1800’s, a fiddle player for King Arthur, etc. It was quite interesting watching Fred and George teach him how to break dance. I thought I was going to die of laughter.

Hermione was the only smart one who kept a journal, which was, for some reason, burnt by Ginny. Too bad I didn’t get to read it; however, Fred and George did. Life is bliss with them around. They told me one time about what had “accidentally” happened between Ginny and Draco, who was Hermione’s boyfriend at the time. I never actually understood what they had in the first place. They got separated though. Ooh, how horrible… in a sarcastic manner, of course.

In one way or the other, everyone got a taste of real life, whether it be a hard lesson to learn, or a happy, joyful thing. Everyone including me. Harry would disagree and say that things aren’t different, that they are the same as they’ve always been. But we both know that this is wrong. Everyone knows. Things are different, even if we don’t want to admit to it.

Hermione Granger speaks:

…Yes, Ron’s right when he says that. Even though I thought of him as wrong. I’ve underestimated him always, but he really is the most deeply sincere, and yet beautiful and lively person I’ve ever known. It’s a wonder that the responsible man that I’ve been trying to bring out in him was there along.

On a happy note, I’ve managed to re-grow Colin Creevey’s four fingers. Somehow he ended up getting stuck with us; Padma had abandoned him. I’ve always hated her with my deepest passion. Note that I’ve said deepest. Deepest. Deepest, I tell you!

My favorite time of the summer was when we all got fed up with the “time traveling” and decided just to go hang out in the present time. The catch? In the Muggle world. For a month. It was actually quite amusing, if you know I mean. There was one point at which Draco couldn’t stand to be without his magic and amused himself by making a few railway cars de-rail, and fly into the clouds. Of course, it was me who had to safely return that poor train to the tracks, but that’s not the point.

It was the best summer of my life! For once, I wasn’t in any hurry whatsoever to get back to my studies. Yes, I still had planned on going to college, once I could find one that offered my majors. I did learn a lot, though! Including the fact that home-made fireworks don’t always work as planned.

Everyone says that I’ve changed, and have become more like Ginny. I refuse to believe this for I do not act anything like the girl. She is a horrible person, and should be dealt with by -- yes, I’ll be quiet. Fun-loving, they say, and so true! Yet I fail to see how doing what she did to me differs from “slutty,” a term I learned from the Muggles. There is a big difference between “slutty” and “fun-loving.”

Draco Malfoy speaks:

…Ha! I’ve not changed one bit. Still the same old Slytherin “bad-boy.” Even though Weasley would dare to tell me otherwise. “Fun,” he says. “Almost nice,” he says.” Never have I been “nice,” and never will I be “nice.” It’s my occupation to be horrible to living things that breathe and speak. And just between me and you, Crabbe and Goyle never existed, I never cheated on Hermione with Ginny, and I never, ever, convinced Ron to almost kill himself and have everyone turn against me. Nope, none of it happened. Nope. Nu-uh. Oh, and never did Harry see me reciting a poem to the moon. Actually, that never really did happen.

You should have seen the faces on those people in the train as it soared into the air at my control. I love being manipulative. It’s fun. And very amusing. I could have killed them all in an instant, but Hermione had to “save them.” She’s way too positive all the time. I can see why I got bored with her. Bored. Very bored.

This summer I found a new hobby, vampirism. They are extremely fascinating. I’ve always loved the sight of blood, and now I can drink it without being looked down upon. Actually, when others see me drink red wine they cover their mouths, and their eyes do this little bulging act, it’s very cool. I’ve personally never been able to do that.

I met a vampire. Only, they were, in all reality, a Muggle with a stupid lifestyle who thought that they needed blood in order to survive. I’ve never actually found a real one yet. But they’ve got to be out there somewhere. Freaks are everywhere! I’m not resting till I find them, either! God, I’ve been hanging out with Fred and George too much.

Fred and George speak:

…Fred told me that this Amazon girl was hot, so I hit on her and told her that I was him. He got the girl! Well, actually, I did, but let’s just say that I’m was him then. Yup, George Weasley lost his innocence last summer. I had nothing to do with it.

What innocence? God, you’re not my twin if you call yourself innocent. And what Amazon girl? You mean the one with the huge…

Yea, that’s her.

Lucky mother…

Hold it. We’ve got Hermione with us. We wouldn’t want her innocence to be smothered by hearing a single word.

Yea. But about that girl! Dude, what did you do with her?

None of that matters now. I already told Ma that you lost your innocence to her. That was a long time ago, as a matter of fact. She freaked. It was hilarious! I thought that I was going to die! Of laughter, of course. You should have been there. She got out the old wooden paddle and everything.

You what?!?! You son-of-a…

I said hold it! Don’t make me remind you more than once, you dirty, dirty little boy! You can’t puncture my shield of pure innocence, as Ginny used to say when she was 15, and trying not to get caught when she made out with that one puny guy. What was his name? Hum…

Colin Creevey.

Oh, yea! Didn’t he lose a lot of fingers last summer? Something with that pathetic camera of his?

Yea. Actually, he was good with photography. I paid him so many times for pictures of Ginny and all the boys she’d been sneaking around with, for blackmail, you know? Actually, I never had to use it. She actually likes me, even though half the time she thinks I’m you. I still have this really great one of her and Draco making out behind the bushes down by our pond at the Burrow.

You mean the “pond.”

That’s what I said.

Yea, but you didn’t say it right. You have to give some kind of hint that the “pond” is actually a lot more than it seems. Remember? In fourth year we enchanted it to show us what was going on with Cho Chang every time she took a shower? That was when we liked her… remember?

No.

Fine.

Okay. Right. This summer was awesome. Agreed?

Totally. Especially that one time when Draco was doing that thing with the train and Hermione tried to save it. She didn’t know that we were in on it too. Think about it, you remember what we did that we promised never to say again?

HA! Oh yea! Man, that was FUNNY stuff! The look on Draco’s face as he watched her save the people! HA!

Yup. You bet your balls. That was funny. And then you remember the cat fight between those girls in the middle of that Muggle mall? That was…

FUNNY! I’ve never seen more hair fly around like that before. Not even when Crookshanks attacked that pigeon- suited freak at that little league game…

Harry Potter speaks:

…No. There’s the answer to your first question. No, I did not fight Voldemort that summer, nor did I CHANGE. Everyone says that we’ve all changed, but I still don’t agree. Yes, Ron has picked up some of Hermione’s traits, and Hermione some of his, but that’s it. The only one who did change dramatically was Draco. He’s just as funny as the twins. But I’m so sure that you realized that.

I still don’t understand how that Muggle girl knew exactly who I was and what I did. It was so funny, the reaction Hermione had to her. Memory charms all over the place. It’s a wonder I remember my own name. She must have hit me with a memory charm at least three times during one day.

My personal favorite part of the summer, which I will never forget, is when we tortured the Dursleys. The invisibility cloaks came in handy then. Draco had this great idea to prank them once they were asleep. Somehow, Petunia ended up in the tree in the back yard, her hair like Medusa’s. Vernon was stuck up the chimney, and Dudley was re-instated with his old piggy tail. That was funny. We tried to put Dudley somewhere, but he was way too fat. I swear, he had gained 100 pounds since I had last seen him. That house was swarming with police and the fire department by morning. I had always promised them that I’d get them back. And so I have. Vengeance is so sweet.

There were so many other things that happened, most of them revolving around women. They are the most beautiful beings on the planet, yet the plague which brings all us men down to the ground. And no, none of us have admitted to have fallen in love yet. Personally, it’s never truly happened, but the girls would say otherwise.

Padma Patil would say that I broke her heart, even though I have never even touched her. Ginny would say that Draco broke her heart, and Hermione would say the same. They’ve been at odds ever since that trip. All because of one guy. Draco, but I’d say, he probably is worth it. He’s come such a long way from before. I did NOT just say that. He needs to die, yea, that’s it. Die! He needs to die! Um, yea. But just between you and me, he really doesn’t. He needs to die his hair purple and become a transsexual so that his personality can match. HA! Again, between me and you, he doesn’t. It’s not my fault that he’s not a freak anymore. That’d be really weird if Colin Creevey and him hooked up. I’ve always thought of him as a little, well, queer… did I just say that?