Rita!

Rita!

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"Welcome to another edition of Rita! I am your hostess, Rita Skeeter." Rita Skeeter hadn't changed much. She still had all the charisma of a putrid herring, but people tuned in to see her grill celebrities. Her ratings has sky rocketed, and her past as a tabloid journalist only seemed to boost her reputation. Her new autobiography was rivaling the sales of those of Gilderoy Lockhart, and many suggested that she run for office in the Ministry.

"Today on the show, we have the cast of the Harry Potter books. With the Muggles lining up to see the third movie, we have the actual characters themselves. In our second hour, we have the latest winner from Magical Idol, Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees. So, without further ado, it's on with the show!"

A video montage on the screen of the Wizard Digital Network as Rita made her way over to her desk. The kids and teachers were all arranged on squashy plush sofas and chairs. Rita had made sure that Harry was right next to her, although he didn't seem to like the situation very much. As the Weird Sisters wound down her theme music, Rita took a quick shot from her brandy filled coffee cup and cleared her throat.

"So, remember, just send in your owls now for the cast of Harry Potter. Ah, here comes our first question." Rita said intercepting an owl that flew onto her desk with a letter contained in her beak.

"This first one is from an Andrea in Copenhagen. Her question is for Hagrid. She's wondering if you've found a lady friend for Grawp yet. She claims to have dated Grendel at one time and wanted to apply."

Hagrid gave a hearty laugh, causing the people around him cower and wince in pain. "Ole Grawpy has got himself a bird. Mind you, it's an odd pairing, but Winky seems happy enough, and Grawp hasn't broken anything in months."

Another owl flew in and Rita pulled its letter from its beak. "This one is from a Mr. Norris of Beachy Head. His question is for Mr. Filch. He's wondering if you've figured out a way to change his estranged wife back to human form yet. He also mentions that he hopes you both rot in hell."

Argus Filch stirred, his rosy red jowls quivering grotesquely. "No, I haven't yet figured out how to get Mrs. Norris back to human form. Minerva and Albus have offered their assistance, but I want to be the one to do it. It doesn't matter, we're together, and that's what counts. You'll be the one to rot in hell, though. My love for that cat is more than she ever got from you in her human form, you bastard!"

The studio audience began to chant Rita's name. She let them carry on for a bit before going on to the next letter.

"This next letter is from a John Paul of the Vatican, he wishes to express his gratitude toward Arthur and Molly Weasley for their strong Catholic ideals at having seven children. He does mention being a little miffed at the whole magic thing, but confesses that he does like the books. His question for Arthur is if he could get him tickets for the next Quidditch World Cup that is to be held in Rome."

Arthur Weasley seemed a little awestruck. "Your holiness, it would be an honor. All I would ask in return would be to have you bless a set of family rosaries. Oh, and maybe a little ride around in that amazing vehicle of yours."

"This next one is for Peter. Anna Nichole from California wonders if being a rat helped him lose weight."

Peter seemed surprised that someone had asked him anything. "Yes, it did as a matter of fact. Most of what I ate was things that were left over from Ron's plate. They serve an awful lot of meat at Hogwarts, so I was on a sort of forced Atkins diet. I did have a few heart attacks, but I managed to lose about four stone."

"This one is for Luna. Bjork from Iceland wonders if you're really as out of your mind as you seem."

Luna frowned, looking far different from her usual dreamy self. "I'm eccentric, not crazy! Did you read about how well I did at the Department of Mysteries? And how do you think I got into Ravenclaw? I'm just as normal as the next girl. I'm no fucking Buddhist!"

"Thank you, Luna, for clearing that up for us." Well, the censors will have their hands full today, Rita thought. This was the sort of thing that usually did well on Percy's show. She quickly moved on to the next message.

"This next one is for Snape. It's from a Kurt in Seattle. He asks why you don't wash your hair more often."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Well, Kurt, one of the many things you don't know about me is that I am the lead singer of a Nirvana tribute band. To wash my hair would destroy my image. You may as well ask me to stop wearing flannel shirts under my robes."

"This next one is for Albus Dumbledore. Cornelius from Hogsmeade wonders how old you are, and if you have ever thought about retiring."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Well, Cornelius, my age is my own concern. I can tell you that I am the same age as my nose, and a little older than my teeth, and as for retiring as headmaster, keep dreaming."

"This next one is for Petunia Dursley. Marge from Highgate seems to think that you know more about the magic world than you've let on. Do you possess any magic powers of your own?"

Petunia pursed her lips and gave a scathing look at her husband who looked quickly down at his feet. "Well, Marge, the only magic power that I may possess is a supernatural level of tolerance at the rudeness of people, especially people with dogs."

"This next one is for Minerva McGonagall. Ewan from Glasgow wonders what you do to unwind. He seems to think you are a bit of a fuddy-duddy."

McGonagall adopted the look she usually had when someone failed to transfigure something correctly. "Fuddy-duddy! For your information, Ewan, I have many hobbies that I enjoy. I am an accomplished knitter, I make a mean haggis, and I very much enjoy an evening of bingo. Oh, and I also do body piercing and gender reassignment."

"This next one is for Draco. Millicent from Epping Forest asks if you've got a special someone in your life, and wonders why you haven't called her yet."

Draco tried to hide behind Neville, but that didn't help him escape the eyes of the entire audience, some of whom sported signs proposing marriage to him. "Um, well, yes and no. I am dating Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini. I find there's safety in numbers, you see," a chorus of boos rang out from the audience, although some of the more vapid looking girls still held out their signs. "And I haven't called you because I've been on vacation in Tahiti. Keep waiting by that phone, dear."

"This next one is for Neville. Ginny from two rows in front of you wonders if you're ever going to ask her out."

Neville went as red as Ginny's hair. "Well, you see, I was waiting for the right moment. Um, would you like to go out sometime, Ginny?"

Ginny turned around in her seat to look at him, a sly grin appearing on her face. "We'll see," she said. Neville was left looking as if he may faint.

This next one if for Fred and George, Oliver from Puddlemere wonders if you're considering going back to school to finish up your studies, or if you're going to enter early into the Quidditch draft. He also wants to congratulate you on an amazing way to make an exit."

Fred and George hi-fived one another, "thanks, Olly," said Fred. "Yeah, we've decided to finish up our studies, but by correspondence. We really can't take time away from the shop, not now that it's really starting to take off. Oh, and that enchanted blow up dolls is on its way, minus the photo of Angelina you sent us." Both twins now howled with laughter, as did most everyone else.

"This next one is for Percy. Penelope from Oxford asks if you've made up with your family yet, and reminds you not to talk to her again until you do."

Percy now reddened. "Yes, my family and I have made our amends. I know I've been the world's biggest prat, and I look forward to making my apologies to you in person, I love you, Penelope."

A chorus of "Ahh" swept through the audience, causing Percy to grow even redder. Fred and George leaned over to whisper something to him, causing him to adopt a more agitated state than the previous embarrassed one. Rita didn't hear exactly what was said, but did hear what sounded like a whipping sound.

This next one is for Bill Weasley. Sebastian in Monte Carlo wonders if you are still involved with Fleur, and if not, if you have her current address."

Bill straightened up in his chair, looking nearly as agitated now as his brother. "Well, to answer your question, Fleur's current address is the Burrow, because we have recently gotten engaged. Sorry to disappoint you."

Another chorus of "Ahh" swept through the audience, followed by more applause. Rita loved this sort of thing. It made the old blue-hairs at home tune in over and over again.

This next one is from Tim in Las Vegas. He wants to ask why Mike doesn't just ask Corral out and give up on the blondes. Oops, wrong show dear! This next one is from a Mr. Ollivander of Diagon Alley. He's wondering why everyone makes such a fuss over Harry having his mother's eyes. Lily, perhaps you'd like to answer this?"

Lily Potter was seated next to her husband. She was wearing dark glasses and held a long cane. "A fuss? I'll tell you why, they are literally my bleeding eyes! Don't ask me how it happened. I was just sitting there breast feeding him one day when there were two pops and the damn things came out. Next thing I know, Voldemort came in and all hell broke lose. I'm not complaining mind you, I get free owl post now."

"This next one is for Ginny. Neville from two rows behind you wonders if you'd like to go grab a butterbeer after the show, and also wants to know of there was ever anything between you and Harry."

Ginny whipped around in her chair again to glare at the still red faced Neville. "Sure, we'll get some butterbeers after the show. Then I'll tell you about Harry and me shagging each other senseless back when I was eleven!"

Neville adopted a look of triumph. "Aha! I knew it!"

Ginny shook her head. "He's going to need some work."

Molly Weasley patted her on the hand. "Don't worry; your father was much the same when I first met him."

"This next one is for Voldemort. Genghis in Mongolia wants to know if you think you'll be able to pull it out in the end."

Voldemort gained an exasperated look. "Sure, Genghis, I'm going to be the winner, absolutely. Stay on the line now, I've got some desert property in Swansea to sell you, bloody cretin."

"This next one is for Sirius. Stubby in Diagon Alley would like to know what heaven is like."

Sirius barked out a laugh. "Well, Stubby, heaven is divided into different sections. Being a Lutheran, it's pretty much the same as the Catholic section, but with more pot luck dinners. They even have a section for atheists. The only difference with them is that they think they're the only ones there."

"This next one is for Remus Lupin. Bela in Transylvania wants to know of there's any upside of being a werewolf."

"Upside, huh, I never thought of that," Remus said. "I suppose the heightened senses are kind of nice, and I always sleep better after a night running around the countryside. And, of course, there's the fact that I can lick my own n..."

"That'll do, Remus," Rita interrupted. Remus was now slapping Sirius on the back and laughing. "This next one is for Crabbe and Goyle. Mongo of Rockridge wonders if you two are really as dumb as you seem."

Gregory Goyle took on a pained expression while he patted the back of the equally stricken Vincent Crabbe. Gregory responded first.

"We get this all the time. I myself am an avid reader of Beat generation authors, and I use my time between books to help out with Habitat for Humanity."

Vincent nodded. "It really is a shame that we are thought of this way. I enjoy cooking Asian fusion food, and I've recently completed my third year working with the Big Brothers, Big Sisters Corporation."

"Well, that certainly cleared that up. I know what it's like to be misunderstood, of course," Rita explained. This brought about another round of applause form the audience. She gave them amble time to clap themselves out before moving on. "This one is for Seamus, Cho, and Ernie. Paddy in Cork wants to know if there are schools of magic in every country, why are there so many different nationalities at Hogwarts?"

Seamus nodded. "That's a good question. I had been accepted to the magic school at Trinity College, but I also got accepted at Hogwarts. Me mam was worried that there were too many Protestants at the school in Dublin, so they sent me here. I'm glad, the school back in Dublin is always in a big rivalry with the school in Belfast, those bloody gob shites."

Cho agreed. "I'm glad my parents sent me here, too. The school we have back in Beijing is too big. You get a lot more one on one here at Hogwarts."

Ernie wasn't quite as adamant as the other two. "The school we have in Edinburgh is really good. I have relatives there. My parents are close friends with Professor McGonagall, so they sent me to Hogwarts. I will say that the food is better here. My cousin, Robbie, said that they have a lot of tripe and black puddings. I'll stick with my bangers and mash, thank you."

A smattering of laughter broke out in the crowd. Rita continued. "This next one is for Viktor Krum. Natashya in Minsk wants to know if you're still in a relationship with Hermione, and if you're not, how she can reach you. She also mentions being double jointed."

Krum arched a section of his unibrow. "Vell, Hermy-own-ninny and I are veddy veddy goot friends. Ve are not in loff, but ve are veddy close. Rita, vere exactly does she mention being jointed double?"

"Here, take the letter. The picture included should be self explanatory. I thought the circus wasn't coming until the fall. Anyway, our next owl is for Ron. Rosemerta from Hogsmeade wonders if you have any ideas on how things are going to end up for you at the end of book seven. She also wishes to remind you that your tab has yet to be settled for the year."

Ron swallowed. "I've thought about that. J.K. was mentioned that there will be more deaths, but she's keeping pretty tight lipped about it. She really does have the last chapter of book seven completed, but I don't know if she'd be willing to change it when the time gets closer. I know that there's an awful lot of money to be made if she did decide to continue the series, not that she needs it, eh?" the audience laughed again, along with most of the panel. "As for me, well, I think it's only a matter of time before Hermione and I get together. If you've read the fourth and fifth book, the sexual tension between us is so blatant. The three of us will likely have our last battle with old Voldie here," Ron clapped Voldemort on the shoulder, "and Harry will probably snuff it. Hermione and I will get married and name our first born son after him. It's all a piece of piss really, pretty much writes itself."

"Thanks for the confidence, mate. You really make a bloke feel good," Harry said elbowing Ron in the ribs. Hermione covered her eyes with her hand and shook her head.

"That is certainly one opinion. Our next letter is for Harry. Bellatrix from the seventh level of hell wants to know what you think will happen. She also wants to complement you on your improvement with your spell casting. She says she never thought you had it in you."

Harry grinned. "Yeah, well, I meant it that time. Say hello to Hitler for me, bitch. Anyway, to answer your question, I have a slightly different view on it than Ron. I don't see any of the three of us getting the axe. Everyone else should be watching their backs, though. I think Dumbledore is an even money favorite. I've got a few galleons on Lupin as a long shot. I agree that it'll be the three of us in the final battle. I think Ron is off on the rest of it, though. J.K. has mentioned that the last word in the last book is 'scars,' I see the lead up to that being that Hermione and I have a son that we name Ron, and on his forehead will be a scar like mine, and we'll both be all concerned about it, but in the end we'll agree that I made it through ok, so we'll hope he does the same. I expect J.K. to start up a new series with him in it; 'Ron Potter and the search for more money,' or something."

Another smattering of laughter broke out. Rita even had to chuckle herself. She congratulated herself on that article back in their fourth year; she always suspected something going on between those two. She just hoped Ron would rise to the bait. A love triangle meant higher ratings.

"We've got time for one more. This is a letter from Fred in Ohio. Sorry to hear about that, Fred," another wave of laughter broke out. A few members of the audience made mooing sounds. "Fred has a question for Hermione. It's a two-parter, first he wants to know how she thinks it will all end up, and then how she would like it to end."

Hermione looked at Ron in her left, and then at Harry on her right. "Yes, well, I've thought about this a lot, of course. I certainly don't want to be killed, and I don't think I will, especially since J.K. has said that I'm based on herself, and I don't think she'd kill herself. The three of us in the final battle is a natural. I do think she will pair me with Ron, and I fear that she will also kill off Harry. This was never really a kid's book, so Harry dying is no worse than anything that happens in some other books. So, that's what I think will happen. As for what I hope happens, well, that's a very different question. I hope that none of us die, nor anyone else. I fully believe that we will defeat Voldemort, of course. But, in my heart, I must confess that my soul belongs to Harry." Hermione quickly turned to Ron, whose face was back to red, this time in anger. "I'm sorry Ron, that's just the way I feel. Harry and I have just been through more together. You were always getting hurt, or you were mad at me, or mad at Harry, and we just formed a different kind of bond with one another."

Ron was livid. "A different kind of bond? What the bloody hell does that mean when it's at home?"

George leaned over Harry to talk to his youngest brother. "Well, you see, Ronald, when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

"Shut it, you!" Ron yelled. "Hermione, is this about back in fourth year when I didn't ask you first to the Yule Ball? I apologized for that! Besides, Harry didn't ask you either. And what about Ginny, you can't go out with someone your friend fancies, can you?"

Harry laughed. "That covers about everyone here, Ron. Ginny goes through men like you go through crisps."

The crowd was really getting into it now. Rita felt her mouth fill with saliva.

Neville spoke up. "Hey, leave my girlfriend out of this!"

Ginny whirled around to look at him. "You tell them, honey. When a guy dates around, he's a stud, but when a woman does it, she's a slut."

"If I could be allowed to continue!" Hermione yelled. "I'm really sorry, Ron. I truly do love Harry. I first realized it when he came out of the maze back in fourth year. For the first few months, I thought it was just a crush, like the one Ginny had on him, but after the stand off at the Ministry last year, I knew that what I was feeling had much deeper roots than a crush," Hermione now turned to look at Harry, who was still looking a bit gobsmacked. "Harry, I never wanted you to tell you like this, but I meant what I said. I love you."

Harry seemed to be in a trance like state for a few moments, before shaking his head and blinking rapidly. "Hermione, I realized I loved you at the same time! Well, maybe a little later. You kissed me on the cheek at the end of that year, and your kiss remained on my face like a brand. I considered myself yours, and I still do. Hermione, I love you so much." Harry leaned in and gave Hermione a rather awkward, but still very romantic, kiss.

"Bull shit!" Ron yelled. The crowd whooped it up and appeared ready to blow the roof off the building. "Hermione, I'm the one you're meant to be with, not Harry. Besides, he's going to end up snuffing it, we both know that."

Hermione drew back from Harry's kiss, a few people clapped. Another chorus of "Ahh" could be heard.

"Ron," Hermione began, "how about this, if Harry does indeed end up dying, I'll agree to go out with you."

Ron's face lightened. A triumphant smile replaced his frown. "Yeah, ok. Once Harry bellies up, it's you and me."

Harry shook his head. "Again, Ron, your confidence in me is completely underwhelming."

Ron scoffed. "Oh, get over it. You'll be stone dead any moment, and then what'll you care? Besides, I'm the youngest male in a family of six of them; I've never been the first on anything in my life."

Hermione whipped around to face Ron. "What did you just say?"

Rita decided that this would be a good place to stop, since the crowd was starting to check if the chairs they sat on were bolted to the ground.

"That's about all we've got time for today. Sadly, Ken Buddha has had a puncture and will need to spend some time in St. Mungos. I'd like to thank the cast of Harry Potter for being here with me today. Join me tomorrow, when my guests will include Siegfried, who will update us on his life partner Roy, and Ludo Bagman, on the popularity of on-floo gambling. Until then, keep your eyes to the sky, and your hands to yourself."