Lads' Day Out

Remus kept his hands in his pockets as he walked down the familiar streets. The silence, the chill of the predawn air cheered him. It was as if the world, the vacant shops, tattered flyers, fading stars all shared his loneliness. And no city is more lonely than in those hours just before the sunrise.

Was it really only yesterday that he was being interviewed at the Ministry? Poor Arthur. He had tried so hard to help him. Gone through the trouble of recommending him and all. How had he been repaid?
Well, it's not as though Lupin really expected them to give him the job, not with his past. Probably just throwing Weasley a bone. But my, how he had risen to that challenge!
"Mr. Lupin, do you feel that there is anything in your disease that might hamper your efforts to completely discharge your duties as a clerk here at the Ministry?"
"Aside from an overwhelming desire to tear my coworkers to pieces and gnaw on their hearts? No, nothing at all. Well, I do have a bit of carpal tunnel, truth be told."
Arthur Weasley had covered his eyes with his hand. The other two office pashas had just turned pale and smiled awkwardly. End of interview. Don't call us, we'll call you. God, he was tired. Too tired to sleep anyhow.

What was Sirius dreaming about? he wondered. Remus himself only slept rarely now. He would remain awake for days abusing potions or spells, and when his body finally gave into the urge, he would fall into a dreamless, fitful stupor. He had too many worries and too many ideas to sleep.

There's not room in my bed for both me and my dreams, he joked silently. He repeated this a few times aloud, in hopes of scaring away the ghosts that crowded the edges of his mind.

Poor Sirius. Peter had betrayed all of us. Remus couldn't blame him wholly though, as he, himself, was a Secret-Keeper of sorts and a betrayer.

"I will never tell him."
"I know," she laughed, "that's why I chose you."

His secret was the betrayal. He never told him, but somehow James seemed to know. A distance had grown between them. Had she told him? No. That would have been cruel, and she was never cruel.

"I want it to be with you, Remus. You're gentle. You're the gentle one."
And now, he was the only one left. Sirius was broken, Peter was damned, and James and Lily... He was the gentle one, but he wasn't the one.

She had married James. And James, because he knew the secret, built a wall around her. He was so competitive, she was like a trophy to him. He had snatched her and won the game.

After it was over, Remus had tried to tell her how he felt, but she stopped him. She loved James who wasn't gentle, but who was right. She loved James, who was his friend.
James and Lily are dead.

You're not the only one who hears her voice, Harry. If I had my way you'd both be mine.

He knew how unrealistic he was being. Without Lily and James there was no Harry. And without Harry there was only Voldemort.
Am I selfish enough to risk the safety of the world for a woman who wouldn't let me say, "I love you"? He was.

The streets had ended and he had arrived at his goal, a rocky beach. The sky was growing light over the water and a cold wind blew in over the waves.

He was the one left behind. To do what? What's the point?

He picked up a rock. Lifetimes in the surf had worn its edges down to a point where it was almost perfectly spherical. Remus threw the rock as far as he could and watched it splash in the icy grey waves.

The next time that rock makes it to shore it will be perfect. I won't be here to see it. My part's done.

He turned away from the rising sun and headed home. But first, he would stop at a few shops. Some breakfast would do Sirius good.