Lads' Day Out

Hagrid spied Sirius Black sitting gloomily at a corner table staring into a glass of Butterbeer.
"Alright, Sirius?"
"Aye, no bad."
"No mind, eh?" Hagrid sloppily helped himself to Sirius's drink. Sirius would have none of it.
"Get ta fuck, ya cunt!"
"Dinnae get wide wit' us, laddie," warned Hagrid affectionately. "You ken the Quidditch Setirday? Pudd. U. v. Caerphilly... fuckin' drastic, mate." Sirius didn't seem interested; he was staring at a large wizard who had just entered the pub.
"D'ya ken that gobshite?" Hagrid turned in his seat for a better view. "Fuckin' wideo calls himself a hard cunt. See how fuckin' hard..."
"Lookin' to get slashed, that radge bastard. No fuckin' doubt abo' it."
"Aye," said Sirius, "'bout time he got his nut, eh, whatsay?"

Scarponi Fleet was very pleased with himself indeed. "Another of the same, James," he said, vaguely handling some Galleons and trying to find a comfortable balance of his ample girth on the stool. As newly-promoted Minister of Wizarding Transportation he had every reason to congratulate himself. After all, it wasn't his fault that his predecessor happened to unwisely try out the new Apparating Booth before it was properly gone over. He certainly had nothing to do with the catastrophic error which resulted in the former Minister's many pieces being liberally sprinkled over the North Sea... no matter what the women in the secretaries' pool said.

A very large bearded man in a moleskin coat budged up to the bar next to Fleet; a smaller wizard with tired eyes and a nasty scowl stood a little behind him.
"Oi, barkeep, got any peanuts?" asked Hagrid, jostling Fleet with his elbow. "Sorry there, mate. No much room..." Hagrid extended a giant hand towards Fleet. "Name's Snape, Sev-er-us Snape, with an 'e', and this is my friend Lucius Malfoy." Sirius, grinning wickedly, pumped Fleet's hand up and down.
"What are you having?" asked Sirius, trying his best to seem like a complete ponce.

Fleet had of course heard of Lucius Malfoy; he had never seen him up close but this man certainly looked mean enough to be a Death Eater. He had never heard of anyone called Snape, though. But after about twenty minutes of good drinking and camaraderie, all his suspicions melted away. They had seemed very impressed when told of his new promotion, and even laughed heartily at his story of the last Minister's untimely demise. After much backslapping and winking, the one called Snape went as far as to say the old minister was "a dozy prat!" When it came time to say goodbye as his money was all spent (Fleet later realized that he had in fact paid for all the drinks, and even the giant's peanuts), he was sad to see the backs of his new friends. Malfoy had made it halfway to the door when he stopped suddenly as if struck by a briliant idea.
"I was just about to leave when it hit me--here I am talking to the Minister of Wizarding Transportation and what do I have outside but my new Firebolt, just came today. So c'mon, Scarpers, out we go and you can give her a swish!"

Hagrid had to hide the tears running down his face, so shocked was he by Sirius's transformation from dour wizard to effete wanker. The Animagus had more sides than a.....many-sided thing Hagrid would think of later when he wasn't quite so drunk.

"Brilliant, Lucius. I'd love to have a go. But I'm no Hamish MacFarlan, mind." Hagrid and Sirius ushered Fleet out the side door and into a dingy alley.
"Right over here, Scarpers!" cheered Sirius to a slightly confused Minister of Wizarding Transportation.

"But I don't..." Fleet was interrupted by a push from behind that sent him sprawling into a rubbish pile.
"Course you don't, ya thick cunt!" shouted Hagrid, rushing the prone figure and putting a large boot into its side. Fleet coughed out a splutter of a gasp.
"No fuckin' Hamish MacFarlan! Ya Montrose bastard!" Sirius had turned Fleet over and grabbed him by the robe.
"You see me? Aye, ya had better fuckin' well open yer eyes! Next time yer dead, ya shitein' cunt! Fuckin' dead! I'm Lucius fuckin' Malfoy! And I hate the Montrose Magpies!" Sirius was shaking Fleet furiously and spitting his words with rage into the fat man's face. Suddenly he went calm and dropped his victim. Fleet fell back into a pile of refuse and lay still, sobbing.
"Please, I'm sorry...please!"
Hagrid looked down at the snivelling red face of the wizard. Poor sod had never even reached for his wand. The half-giant leaned down and whispered in Fleet's ear.
"That's Snape...with an 'e'." He got up and pulled Sirius away.

"Some fuckin' wide cunt. You tell anyone an' yer dead, fat man." Sirius never looked back as he stalked out of the alley, Hagrid close behind.

"Did ya mean what ye said back there?"
"Eh?" asked Sirius, jolted from his silent fury. "What, about killin' him?"
"No, about the Montrose Magpies. Hamish MacFarlan was no bad player..."

Sirius Black stopped dead in his tracks.