A Special Kind of Hug

"Harry," Sirius declared when they were alone inside the Shrieking Shack, "I think we should talk about the facts of life."

Harry stared at his godfather, expression (he guessed) something between confusion and panic. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having - though he supposed, if he *had* to have it, he could think of worse people to hear it from. Uncle Vernon, for starters. Dudley. Snape, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Moody-- okay, most of his teachers, with the possible exception of Lupin. But really he didn't feel he needed to hear it at all. "Um, really, that's okay--"

But Sirius waved away his objections, pressing him down onto a chair that had only minimal damage to the back. "Look, ever since I was in school I've wanted to do this with someone other than my father so sit down and pretend you don't know anything about sex."

"You told your father about the birds and the bees?" he couldn't resist asking.

"No, I did not-- oh never mind. That's not important. What is important is, you're old enough now to know the facts. Now, when a boy and a girl have a bit too much to drink and find themselves in a room where no one's likely to find them for the next half hour, sometimes things happen, and you need to be prepared for those things. Stop laughing, this isn't supposed to be funny."

Harry coughed, obediently trying to stifle the attack of the giggles that currently had him in its grip. "Sorry. I'm listening," he said solemnly.

"Alright." Sirius gave him a wary look, then continued. "The first thing you need to know is, you may think you know girls, but you don't. You *never* know about girls. They're a completely different species and there is not a man alive who can honestly say he knows how they're going to react at any given time. So if you get caught in this situation, a number of things can happen.

"First, say you go through with everything, afterwards the girl might try to pretend it didn't happen, or tell everyone you're a horrible person and you took advantage of her when she was vulnerable, and both of these are bad. The best thing to do is to ignore it. Everything. If she's pretending it didn't happen this is easy, it just means neither of you ever mention it again and everyone's happy. But if she's badmouthing you to her friends you have to say, you were drunk, you don't remember what happened, and *nothing else*. Got that?"

"Sure," Harry said, wondering when this advice was ever going to come in handy.

"Even worse than that, though, is when you think it's all over and then she starts following you around and trying to get you to ask her out - or pretending you *are* going out. This is a very bad thing, and what you want to do, is find another girl, preferably one with a lot more magical ability than the last one, and make sure everyone knows you're going out. Failing that, tell everyone you've decided you're gay."

"I'm not really sure that would be a good idea." He could imagine Draco's reaction to that - he'd be rolling on the floor laughing, no doubt, and he'd never hear the end of it.

"That's why you're the teenager and I'm the grown up. But while we're on that topic, if you ever happen to get in that empty room with too much to drink and a *guy*, well you should know for a start that I'm completely okay with that if that's the way you feel you want to go."

"I'm not gay, Sirius," he broke in, hoping to head off his godfather before he really got into this section of the talk. It was a futile attempt though, as the Animagus just waved off his protestations.

"Not now you're not. But you might be later, you never know. It's really not as big a deal as it used to be, you know, except in some of the really old pureblood families. Of course, this does have the added complication of sharing a room with your boyfriend, assuming of course you're in the same year and house that is..."

"I'm not running off with Ron!"

"I didn't say you were," he replied indignantly. "And as I was *saying*, this can actually be a pretty fun situation, as long as you don't get caught by your roommates."

Harry decided that he definitely didn't want to know whether or not Sirius was speaking from experience. "Okay, well I'm sure that all this will...really be very useful. Thanks."

Sirius grinned. "Just remember to use protection, I don't think my old heart could take it if there were any more little Potters running around." He clapped Harry on the shoulder companionably. "If you ever have any questions--"

"I'll talk to you?" Harry finished, thinking that he'd do no such thing.

"That might be a better idea, actually. Well, I'm glad we had this talk."

"Err, yeah. Well, I'd better get back to school...homework and all..." He fairly fled from the old house, waiting at least until he was halfway down the passage before collapsing into helpless fits of laughter.

FIN