Harry Potter and This Year's Interviews

Chap.6: Thomas Marvolo Riddle/ Lord Voldemort.

Sirius and Ennil enter a big house with fluffy pink bunnies all around.

Ennil: Don't walk on them!

Sirius: Why are there fluffy pink bunnies at the Dark Lord's house, anyway?

Ennil: It's necessary for the plot.

Sirius: What plot?

Ennil: I have no idea!

They enter a bathroom, we see Old Voldie in an old style bath tub, filled with bubbles. He has a gray shower cap (He's bald, for God's sake!) holding on one hand a silver rubber ducky on the other a Harry Potter action figure.

Voldie: Die Potter! Lounges the silver rubber ducky at the action figure and starts choking him with it MWAHAHAHAH!!!!! You are now dead! Drops Harry Potter action figure in water Severus you have returned! He summons a Severus Snape action figure Oh, yes, my Dark Lord, I have returned! Starts making kissing noises between the ducky and the action figure.

Ennil: What is it with Severus and everybody!

Sirius: We never did anything!

Voldie: notices the two arrivers I supposed you are here to be killed.

Sirius: Yep.

Ennil: Sirius!

Sirius: What? I'm dead, I don't care.

Ennil: But I'm not!

Sirius: That's your problem.

Voldie: Who are you?

Sirius: The interviewers, your majesty.

Ennil: Your majesty?! What the hell, Sirius?!

Voldie: No, no, little girl...

Ennil: Hey!

Voldie: ... I quite like the boy's attitude.

Sirius: (Innocent smile)

Ennil: (To Sirius) You have an innocent smile?

Sirius: Not really.

Voldie: So... about me?

Ennil: Are you related to the Malfoys?

Voldie: Who?

Sirius: One of your Death Eaters.

Voldie: Oh.

Ennil: (To Sirius, again) Maybe he's Draco's real father?

Voldie: I have no children! I am a virgin!

Ennil & Sirius: ................................

Voldie: You were talking?

Ennil: No, you were talking.

Voldie: I don't want to talk anymore!

Sirius: You shouldn't talk then, your majesty.

Ennil: Sirius!

Sirius: You wanted me to be nice, I'm being nice!

Ennil: It's VOLDEMORT!

A lot of wizards enter the room, flinch, and exit.

Sirius: VOLDEMORT!

They do the same thing.

Sirius: This is cool!

Ennil: Sirius...

Sirius: VOLDEMORT!

They do the same thing, again.

Sirius: SIRIUS!

One tiny wizard enters, throws a tomato at Sirius and exits.

Author: Sorry, Pad.

Sirius: I should have seen that coming.

Voldie: Probably...

Ennil: Yeah...

Sirius: So, Master, any dark secrets you wanna reveal before "The Form"?

Voldie: I'm in love with Severus.

Snapey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (A/N: Mehehe. I just like to make him suffer 'cause he didn't teach Harry occlumency and was one of the reasons Sirius died, I've got a whole list!)

Sirius: We never did anything!

Ennil: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Sirius: Well, you are one too...

Ennil: ...........grr......

Sirius: Hey! I "grr"! Not you!

Ennil: This is the new me. Since the bloody author decided to make all my charges men!

Author: I have no idea why I did that.

Sirius: I'm not crazy!

Everyone: ..................

Sirius: Just wanted to point out that.

Ennil: You should know that it wasn't very believable.

Voldie: House-elves kill these... things!

Sirius: We're the things?

Ennil: Have you looked at a mirror, lately?

Voldie: No, looking at a mirror would hurt my reflection.

Sirius & Ennil: Slytherins.

Form: Can we start?

Voldie: (Jumping out of his tub) Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Muggle object!!! Run for cover!!!! Call the police! Call 911!!! Call Severus!!!!!

Ennil: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Naked Voldemort!!!!! Close your eyes!!!!!

Sirius: AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure why I'm screaming, but... Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Total chaos!!!!

Form: Aaaah. Would you just shut up?!

Silence.

Form: Good. Now, Voldie... 1. Are you bored?

Voldie: I was having my bath 'till these two came along!

Sirius: Sorry.

Ennil: No we're not.

Sirius: Yes, we are.

Voldie: Yes, you are. The dead guy says so.

Ennil: The living gal says not.

Voldie: Well, I'm alive.

Ennil: No you're not.

Voldie: Yes I am.

Ennil: You don't look alive.

Sirius: He is alive as well as me!

Ennil: You're dead Sirius.

Sirius: Oh, yeah.

Form: 2. Do you believe in God?

Voldie: I am God.

Ennil: (To Sirius) See! Same answer as Draco!

Sirius: Sir, to avoid this big, rude and bossy lady getting angrier could you tell me who you really believe God is?

Voldie: God is one of us .(A/N: I'm listening to it right now)

Sirius & Ennil: ........................

Voldie: Okay! Okay! God is... Cher! (A/N: God, I hate that woman, no offense)

Sirius: Figures.

Ennil: Yep.

Voldie: What?

Ennil: Cher's a Muggle, Milady.

Voldie: What? Of course not!

Ennil: Well, she's not a witch.

Voldie: Of course not!

Sirius: What is she? A monster?

Voldie: Of course not! She's God.

Ennil: God help us all.

Voldie: The correct term is "Cher" help us all.

Form: Why do I bother with you people?

Ennil: I was asking the same question.

Sirius: I'm pretty happy.

Ennil: You're always happy! Even when you sniff your own butt!

Sirius: I'm a dog! That's what I do!

Form: 3. What was your first word?

Voldie: I was a baby!

Ennil: What did your parents tell you was your first word?

Voldie: I was raised in an orphanage!

Ennil: Well, they should've told you what your first word was.

Voldie: I think they said it was "Sevie".

Ennil: What?

Sirius: (Disgusted) Snape.

Ennil: (Groans)

Sirius: What? I had my disgusting face!

Ennil: Yeah, but your first instinct shouldn't tell you that it was Snape!

Sirius: Well, that's my instinct's problem.

Form: 4. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Voldie: Voldemort.

Sirius: Where did you get the idea for the name "Voldemort" anyway, your majesty?

Voldie: Google.

Sirius & Ennil: ....................

Voldie: I was searching alternative evil names that can be used for killing innocent, little babies to fulfill destinies.

Ennil: Good thing to waste your time.

Sirius: Why, Ennil! How can you say something like that?!

Ennil: Easily.

Form: 5. What's your favorite food?

Voldie: Fresh...

Ennil: Flesh?

Voldie: No! Fish.

Ennil: Fish?

Sirius: Yeah, you heard the man... uhmm... thing!

Ennil: Why fish? You're the most feared wizard of all time!

Voldie: So? That doesn't mean I shouldn't be healthy! If the Aurors would just be intelligent enough and release germs in my house, I would be dead! I may have powers but I still need the normal cleanness!

Ennil: Makes sense. Weird sense, but sense.

Form: 6. What is the weirdest thing you have ever done?

Voldie: Doing "La Cha Cha" with Dumbledore.

Sirius: You must be a great dancer, sir!

Voldie: Yes, of course, but Dumbledore's the best!

Ennil: What?

Voldie: He has the moves!

Ennil: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Form: Right there with ya. 7. If a naked man would jump here right now, what would you do?

Voldie: (Exited) would it be Sevie?

Ennil: Sure, whatever.

Voldie: I would put the Crucio curse on him and spend the rest of the night with him. (Sigh)

Snapey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: Ouch. And we never did anything!

Snapey: Yes we did, Black.

Sirius: What?

Snapey: Well, there was the time we...

Sirius puts his hand over Snapey's mouth to shut him.

Sirius: Shut it Snivellus!

He kicks him out of the door. Meanwhile Voldie seems furious.

Voldie: What did you do with him?!

Sirius: (Trembling) No...Nothing.

Voldie: You're gonna die!!!!

Ennil: Oh, great. Form!!!!!

Form: 8. If you were stranded on a desert island?

Voldie: I would kill all Muggles and make love to...

Ennil: I don't want to hear it.

Sirius: Sir, how can you kill Muggles when you're stranded on a desert island?

Voldie: Don't question me boy! I am Lord Voldemort!

Ennil: So?

Voldie: I can do anything!

Ennil: Except win Severus's heart.

Voldie: That's none of your business!

Form: 9. If you were stranded on a nude beach?

Voldie: Would...

Ennil: No! Severus will not be there!

Voldie: (Upset) Then I would kill everyone that was there!

Ennil: Glad that's over. Sirius?

Sirius: Yeah?

Ennil: Never mind. You're getting over him.

Form: 10. When will you die?

Voldie: When Severus admits his love for me!

Ennil: So, basically...

Sirius: Never?

Voldie: He will! I know he will!

Sirius: Let's bring Professor Trelawney and ask her.

Sybill: What do you want?

Ennil: Will Severus Snape ever love Voldemort?

Sybill: Let me see. Destruction is upon us! Lord help us all! Death is seen! And no.

Ennil: (To Voldie) Told ya.

Sirius: Yo Sybill! Go now.

Form: 11. If you would take a picture of one glorious moment which one would it be?

Voldie: When...

Ennil: Yes! Yes! We know!

Sirius: We do?

Ennil: He's gonna say: "When Sevie admits his love for me"

Voldie: See! You know me! We didn't need this interview!

Ennil: Shouldn't you answer this question with an answer like: "When all the Muggles and Mudbloods are dead"?

Sirius: Ennil, I don't think you should...

Ennil: Shut up Sirius! You are so obsessed with Severus, that you are not the evil dark wizard, but a fluffy and slashy queer! (A/N: No offense)

Voldie: (Shocked) Elves kill this woman with the sharpest knife we got!

Sirius: (To Ennil) I think we should run.

Ennil: (To the House-Elf in front of her) Don't you point that thing at me! (A/N: Not that thing you mindless, slashy teenagers!)

Sirius: Come on Ennil! See you next time!