Azkaban Cell Block Tango

"Azkaban Cell Block Tango"

Lavender: Ha!

Padma: Swish.

Cho: Rat.

Fleur: Non-non!

Hermione: Broomsticks.

Ginny: Homo.

Guard: And now, the six Merry Murderesses of Azkaban Wizard Prison in their rendition of "The Azkaban Cell Block Tango."

Lavender: Ha!

Padma: Swish.

Cho: Rat.

Fleur: Non-non!

Hermione: Broomsticks.

Ginny: Homo.

All Girls: He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He only had himself to blame! If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it-

Hermione: I betcha you would've done the same!

Lavender: Ha!

Padma: Swish.

Cho: Rat.

Fleur: Non-non!

Hermione: Broomsticks.

Ginny: Homo.

Lavender: You know how people have these little habits that drive you insane? Like Dean Thomas. Dean liked to make fun of me during Divination class. "What's up with Uranus, Lavender?" was his favorite taunt. Well, one day I was really fed up and just wanted to relax during class and Dean comes over and I just knew he was gonna make a joke. Then he did it. "Can I see Uranus, Lavender?" Well, I blew up. So did my wand... right at Dean's head.

All Girls: He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He only had himself to blame! If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it-

Hermione: I betcha you would've done the same!

Padma: I went with Ron Weasley to the Yule Ball. Now, he was nice and all, and we hit it off. We talked and he introduced me to some of his friends. We had butterbeer and even danced a few times. Then he saw Fleur Delacour. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He came back to me to get a butterbeer, and he drank it... before I told him I'd accidentally slipped some poison in to it. You know what? Some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

All Girls: He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He only had himself to blame! If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would've done the same. He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He took a flower in its prime. And then he used it, and he abused it! It was a murder, but not a crime!

Cho: Now, I'm sittin' in the stands during the third task, minding my own business, when out comes Harry Potter with my boyfriend's dead body, He told me that a man called "Wormtail" had killed cedric. So, I found this "Wormtail," and I showed him my wand. I also showed him the Cruciatus Curse before he died... I showed it to him ten times.

Lavender: Ha!

Padma: Swish.

Cho: Rat.

Fleur: Non-non!

Hermione: Broomsticks.

Ginny: Homo.

All Girls: If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would've done the same!

Fleur: Pourquoi est-ce que je suis ici? Ils disent que j'ai tué le joueur célèbre Viktor Krum de Quidditch. Mais ce n'est pas vrai, je ne dois pas blâmer. Je ne sais pas pourquoi le ministre de la magie dit que je l'ai fait. J'ai essayé d'expliquer, mais il ne m'a pas compris.

Cho: Yeah, but did you do it?

Fleur: Non-non! Not guilty!

Hermione: My friend, Parvati, and I did this double act down at the Three Broomsticks, my boyfriend, Harry, used to watch us every night. For the last part of our act, we did about twenty acrobatic tricks. Splits, spread eagles, back flips; you name it, we did. Well, one night after the show I was cleaning up while Harry was waiting for me in the next room. When I was done, I went into the next room, and there's Parvati and Harry dowing number seventeen - the spread eagle! Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later when I turned the lights on and saw their motionless bodies I even knew they were dead.

All Girls: They had it comin'! They had it comin'! They had it comin' all along! I didn't do it, but if I'done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?

Ginny: I loved Draco Malfoy more than I can possibly say, He was a real sexy guy, good in bed... a ladie's man. But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He's sneak out of his dorm every night and go looking for himself. On the way, he found Pansy, Susan, Luna, and Seamus. I guess you can say we broke because of sexual differences. Of course, after he found Seamus, Draco saw himself as alive. I saw him as dead.

All Girls: The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. They had it comin'! They had it comin'! They had it comin' all along! 'Cause if they used us, and they abused us, how could you tell us that we were wrong? He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He only had himself to blame! If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would've done the same!

Lavender: You say that joke one more time!

Padma: Liked me my ass!

Cho: Ten times!

Fleur: Ministre, je ne suis pas coupable!

Hermione: The spread eagle!

Ginny: Sexual differences.

Lavender: Ha!

Padma: Swish.

Cho: Rat.

Fleur: Non-non!

Hermione: Broomsticks.

Ginny: Homo.

* * *

Translation for Fleur: Pourquoi est-ce que je suis ici? Ils disent que j'ai tué le joueur célèbre Viktor Krum de Quidditch. Mais ce n'est pas vrai, je ne dois pas blâmer. Je ne sais pas pourquoi le ministre de la magie dit que je l'ai fait. J'ai essayé d'expliquer, mais il ne m'a pas compris. / Why am I here? They say that I killed the famous Quidditch player Viktor Krum. But this is not true, I am not to blame. I don't know why the Minister of Magic says that I did it. I tried to explain, but he didn't understand me.

Ministre, je ne suis pas coupable!/ Minister, I am not guilty!